Original subtitles

Huh?

What do you think?

It's tomorrow night.

Let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier.

I'm about to, baby.

Yeah!

Okay, everybody. Here is the big question. If you could have any sandwich

after you, what sandwich would it be?

Tongue.

Really? Why? Let people wonder.

I'm serious.

Riff told me that when the new menus come out, he's going to name a sandwich

after me.

He says my name would be perfect for a sandwich.

Well, you're very blessed.

Hi. Hi. Oh, you know what? We're going to have to wait to order. I was hoping

meet my wife here.

Okay.

How about her?

She just broke up with her boyfriend.

You know, maybe I wasn't clear. My wife is going to walk in through that door

any minute.

Oh, okay. Well, that's the spirit.

So what is this, Paulie? Is this like the nine millionth time James has been

late because of that job? I don't know. Whatever it is. You, my friend, are a

prince. No, no, no. I'm not a prince. It's true. Look, right now you bear the

brunt of the childbearing responsibilities.

You're incredibly supportive of your wife working, even though it takes her

from you. You are a prince among men. That's not overstated, okay? I'm not a

prince. I'm just a guy making a sacrifice, putting my own dreams on hold

moment so that I can help her make her dreams come true. I'm a prince, is what

am.

That's what I'm saying.

It's just temporary. She's going to quit her job very soon.

And besides, it's not exactly like people are killing themselves to give me

jobs. No new offers?

I got one. Here you go. To teach.

So, what's wrong with that? To teach? That's like, you know, that's code for

we've seen your film. Please don't ever do that again.

No, no. That's not true at all.

Whatever. It's some college or something. It's not even in America. Was

Scotland or some godforsaken place? Oh, this letter is from the University of

Edinburgh. Yeah, so?

So. It's like a prestigious university.

Yeah, for sheep herding, I'm sure it's terrific.

For film, not so much.

Look, why don't you find out a little bit about a place, just a little bit,

before you mock?

What's the difference how prestigious it is? What, I'm going to pick up my

family and move to Scotland?

It's some of the prettiest country on Earth, my friend.

What's that?

Greens and purples, rolling hills, Loch Ness. Not to mention the Northern

Lights.

Why, since when do you know things?

Yeah, this is Mindy.

Hi.

I've heard so much about you.

Oh, oh, Ursula, you know what?

Absolutely, no. I will leave you two alone.

Um, um, Mindy, there's been a misunderstanding.

Mindy, Mindy, I'm Ira. How you doing? Hi. Why don't you come join us?

Thank you. You're welcome. You know what?

This place is going to name a sandwich after me.

Really? Yeah. You know, I could get you a part in one of my next films.

So, um...

What kind of sandwich, Ira?

Tongue.

Oh, boy, so I'm seeing you for lunch today?

No, actually, that was yesterday.

Oh, goodness.

That's okay.

I'm sorry.

Hey, listen, you've been a little distracted. Yep, but after today, no

You really gonna quit? Yep, just as soon as I hand in this last proposal.

Oh. Okay, that's John and Debbie. I invited them over to look after Mabel so

could meet me for lunch yesterday.

What am I going to do with them now? You'll go out, you'll get a haircut.

I don't really need a haircut.

So you'll go bowling.

That's a good idea, bowling.

That's very good.

Hey, you two. Hey, Mom told me your news.

What news?

University of Edinburgh.

That's not news. What news?

I told you this college in Edinburgh, they want me to teach sheep. That's

I told her she's been a little distracted. You should do it. I should

should move to Scotland? It's just a big pasture there. They put up this

university simply like as a windbreak.

I'm sure there's more to Edinburgh than just that it's boring. Paul, the

University of Edinburgh has one of the finest film schools in Europe.

All right, what are they, sending everybody pamphlets now?

Blue folder, blue folder, blue folder. Haven't seen it, haven't seen it,

seen it.

Sweetie. Hey, cool people.

Oh, that's okay. You feeling all right?

I'm fine. Take your coat off. That's okay. What, are you having a fever? No.

Take off your coat. It's okay. I'm fine.

Take off your coat. Take off the coat.

You don't like it.

No. No, I like it. I don't even know if I'm allowed to say this legally, but...

God bless you. Look at you.

Nobody asked you. Yes, sir. I'm sorry. That's wrong. Well, it was supposed to

a surprise, but this afternoon I'm going to pose for New York Woman magazine.

Well, they're doing a spread on the 20 most eligible bachelorettes in New York

City.

Bachelorettes? That is so cool.

Really? Yes.

What, it's not?

Well, see, the thing is, you're not eligible.

And also, I might add, not exactly the kind of bachelorette they were talking

about.

All right.

Wouldn't you say that it's groovy? No. No, if I had to pick a word, I would say

disgusting.

Betraying.

Insulting. And yet, at the same time, somehow a little groovy. I gotta say.

Hey. What happened?

Flu folder. There it is, see?

Listen, I know this is terrible timing, but I have to go to work. That's okay.

I'm sorry to leave you here with this. That's okay. It'll be great. Listen, you

go have a great last day of work. I'll see you tonight. Thank you. You're a

prince. I get that a lot.

You know what? And you ladies, why don't you go too, okay? Because Mabel and I

will... Eligible. Would you like to be eligible? Because that can be arranged.

Oh, you know what? Would you guys mind watching Mabel? Why do you always have

get so angry? Angry? Because you filled me with rage.

Hey, you know what I'm in the mood for? Maybe a little haircut, a little

bowling.

So you quit your job, and then what?

No, they wished me well, and I left.

Well, how do you feel? I feel great. I feel undetracted. We can do whatever we

want. Let's go to Scotland. Hey, don't kid around. I looked into the place.

Apparently, they have quite a film community there. You see that? You're

starting to like the idea, aren't you? The idea, yeah. The reality, I'm sure of

that.

Oh, Lordy.

Oh, to fighting lesbians.

If I'm not mistaken, also the name of the Smith College ice hockey team.

You know what? I'm going to go pee. Please pee later.

All right. I did it because I wanted to. What about what I want? Deb, when they

do a photo spread at Irritating Life Partner Monthly, you're more than

Hey, the new menus.

Oh, I'm so excited.

Okay, and now, um, are you still waiting for your wife?

No, this is she.

Hi, Ursula.

Oh, all right. You work fast.

Man, I don't believe this.

What's the matter? Riff did not name a sandwich after me. He didn't.

Excuse me.

Where are you going?

It wasn't true about the sandwich, was it, Ira? You were just using the

to impress me.

Mindy, no.

Boy, oh boy. You see, in my day, it was like a Camaro or big muscles to impress

the gals. That kind of thing. Look at this. I'm not taking it sitting down.

Excuse me. And you know what?

Sweetie, if it's okay with you, I'm going to go pee now. Okay.

You see, there is someone who consults his significant other before making a

decision.

How's everybody? Good?

Hey, Ursula.

Listen, do you know why Riff did not name a sandwich after me? Okay, just a

second. I'm stirring.

Okay, now what is the question?

Yeah, do you know why Riff did not name a sandwich after me?

Oh, um, no.

Okay, do you know when Riff is coming in today?

What is it?

Do you know what time Riff is coming in today?

Oh, no.

Ah, terrific.

Man doesn't even have the nerve to face me.

Ursula, the menu is on fire.

Ursula. Okay, what do you want? The menu is on fire.

Oh, all right.

There.

Can't you get a fire extinguisher? A what?

Fire extinguisher.

Hey, hey, buddy, you got a fire extinguisher here?

Jerry!

Listen, I gotta find a fire extinguisher. You take these, see if you

the flames. Oh, okay, yeah.

Okay, go away, fire. Now shoot!

Shoot!

I'm smothering the flames. No, you're not. You're fanning the flames.

Oh, yeah.

Hey,

what's this? What's in here?

Oh, water.

Okay, great. Stand back. I'll take care of this.

What'd you say was in here?

We are talking about a fundamental issue of respect and consideration. What do I

have to do to make you secure in this relationship?

Guys, I just want you to be honest about what you are. It's your property.

You smell like a... That was an expression of love. No, it was an

territorialism. Okay, fire. What? Fire! Oh, my God!

Oh, I really had to pee.

I was so worried. I came out of the bathroom, and I didn't know where you

so I started going back to the table. You went to get me.

This wall of flame, like a big, like an actual wall made of flame, just came to

me. So I got down on my knees. Oh, my God, you went to rescue me. You're a

prince. I'm a prince, yes, I know.

You're better than my knight in shining armor.

I just didn't know what happened to you. I'm so glad you got out of there. Yeah,

I saw the smoke. I just ran out of there.

I saw the smoke, luckily.

I ran out of there.

So you were never in danger? No, I saw the smoke. We just, all of us ran right

out of there.

Did you forget anything in there?

No. Your jacket?

You got my jacket. Your bag? You got your bag? Yeah, but so what? Hey, how

your husband?

Oh, my God.

Your son, who's peeing his little heart out in there, unaware there's a fire

going on? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

You knew I was in the bathroom? Yes, I did. Oh, my God.

think to come in and say, hey, there's a fire out here. You might want to hurry

up in there. Hey, Paul, I'm so sorry. Please forget him. If you don't want to

to the mental center, send somebody else in there. Please, Paul, I'm so sorry.

Just leave a note at that table. Had to run. Big fire. Hope you make it out

alive. Listen, the important thing is we're both okay.

No, no, that was the important thing. Now the important thing is that you left

me in there to choke to death.

The second I got out here, the first thing I said is, where's Paul?

Well...

I was in the bathroom.

I love you. I cherish you and I love you. I'm sorry I was so inconsiderate.

sorry I was territorial.

I want to be your territory.

You do?

Always, for as long as both of us are lucky enough to be alive.

What are you saying?

What do you think I'm saying? Will you marry me?

Yes.

Oh, Meg.

It's good to see fires bring out the best in some people.

I'm just going to breathe.

Okay, are we going to be done soon?

Ursula, you're breathing. Yeah, well, for like a long time now.

Thank God.

Yeah, well, I didn't want to corrupt you, you know, because you seem so

Well, no, I didn't realize that you were conscious.

Well, yeah.

So how did I get here?

Well, you passed out from the smoke in the kitchen. I carried you out.

So you saved my life?

Well, no.

Hey, Ursula. Okay, because if you had saved my life, then I would do anything

you asked to repay you.

Really?

Well, you know, actually, come to think of it, I sort of did save your life,

technically.

I thought so.

Okay.

So then what can I do to show you my gratitude?

Well, listen, Ursula, when Riff's reopens and the new menus come out,

Could you make sure that they name that sandwich after me?

I promise.

See?

He dragged her out and they barely know each other. All right.

Hey, how was your shower? Very good, very good. Used about 2 ,000 Q -tips

getting that soot out of my ears like my head was a chimney.

Guys, you run around in a burning building, you get plenty dirty. Yes.

I'm sorry. I've said it over and over and over. I'm sorry. That's okay. You

what? You did, and there's no need to say it again. Okay.

Say it one more time. I'm sorry. There you go.

I want to say... I'm sorry. Go ahead.

I was actually going to say... Please go first. Honey, please go first.

Here's what I think.

It's like this.

You know how the fire... It's sort of...

It made Debbie and Joan really take stock in their lives? Yes. And Ursula

Ira took stock?

Yes.

The fire made me take stock.

Me too.

Really? Yes.

So you're thinking what I'm thinking? I hope so. Life is short. Yes. You know,

and it could be over tomorrow.

Yes. We've got to seize the day and car pay that diem. Yes.

So you're thinking we've got to move to Scotland?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Oh, that's where I went. What did you have? I want to go back to work.

Oh, that's, that's very different.

Sweetie, I love working.

I know, but jeez, oh, that's, oh.

Wait, you want to teach suddenly?

I, I do.

A classroom full of sheep, you said.

They, they have a few sheep, but they're scattered. They're all, they have, they

have hills, these beautiful rolling hills. They have northern lights. You

to see the pamphlet? No.

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

Well. Where are you going? I'm going to work.

Wait a second. I thought we were talking about this. Don't you think we should

talk about this? They're going to give my job to somebody else. Let me get it

back. Then we'll talk about it. No. What are you doing? I'm blocking your path.

Paul, I love that job.

I've got to tell you, I don't love that job. What happened to you support me no

matter what? What happened to the prince?

Prince? Gone. Advocated.

Why?

Because that job changed you. I was a little bit distracted.

You left me in a burning building.

Paul? I want my job back.

Okay. You know what?

Take your job. Thank you.

What? Where are you going?

I'm going to Scotland.

I'm going to the kitchen now. If I'm saying later, I'm going to Scotland.

A what? A prenup.

Oh. Oh, I see.

Debbie, it's nothing to worry about. It's just a precaution. In case we get

divorced. We won't get divorced. Then why do we need a prenup? In case we do.

What about... What about love?

What about believing there's a bond between us that time and circumstance

break? It's a very fair prenup.

You know what? This was not a good fire at all.

Was that fire like the greatest thing that ever happened?

You mean the fire at Riff's?

Yeah. It really was.

Come here.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah. Tony Curtis had to play the man and the woman.

I want my job back.

I know I said I quit, but I've thought about it and I want to stay.

Wow, it's up to Mr. Carville and Ms. Madeline.

Okay, shall I speak to them? Well, Mr. Carville's with the president.

President, um... The president president.

Carville. Mr. Carville, it's Jamie Buckman calling.

Oh, yeah, hi.

Carville, I need you over here. Look, Jamie, I'm kind of with the leader of

free world. Mr.

Carville, I've done some soul -searching, and I've decided I want my

know I just quit, and you're probably thinking...

What the heck is going on in that crazy brain of Jamie's? But I want my job

back, and I'll do anything I have to do to keep it. Marvel, I mean it. I really

need you over in here right now.

Jamie, you're a fine employee. Keep your job. Thank you, sir. That means so much

to me. Marvel, man, that better be the Pentagon.

I've got to go. I'll never forget the way you stuck your neck out for me and

you... Hello?

That's quite a swanky thing.

You've got caviar, you've got waiters running around with toothpicks. I figure

if I spend enough of Joan's money, there won't be any reason for a prenup.

Got everything all in the works, got passports renewed, even got a new

for Mabel, a little passport this big. Ah, so Jamie's on board for Scotland.

We've got to, you know, dot a few I's, cross a few T's, and plus I've got to

her to stop saying no.

You remember...

You remember when I told you to smother the flames and instead you fanned the

flames? Yeah.

No.

What are you doing?

Just basking in the glow of having my job back. You?

I'm thinking about wearing a kilt.

As we're moving to Scotland.

I'm serious about this. I really am. Okay.

When are we leaving?

I don't know. Where are we going to live?

What are we going to do with the apartment?

Where's Mabel going to go to school?

Have you thought about Murray?

Maybe I'll have to quarantine him.

I'm probably going to have to quarantine him.

What? I'm sorry, what?

I'm still working out the details. There's details to be ironed out, no

question. Okay, good. So go work out your little details and I'll just be at

work.

You think you're so tough.

You think you've won. Let me tell you something, my little friend.

A war is made out of many little battles, okay? And here's what we Scotch

We fight and then we walk away so that we may return to fight another day.

That's what we Scotch do.

Scotch. Whatever.

All right, you know what? Write a check. What? Write a check. There's my bank

balance. Wow.

Wow. Big eligible bachelorette.

All right, I am signing my name.

To this blank check and whatever you want right now for me, you can have.

me. Debbie, there isn't anything I don't want you to have.

So, you're saying that I could write in any amount?

Mm -hmm. Deb, if I may, I believe this is what's meant as a gesture.

Wonderful gesture it is.

I love you.

I love you.

Now, look at these.

crazy kiss. You know what? If I may, everybody, let us make a toast. Can we

a toast to my beautiful sister, Debbie, and Joan, her future soon

-to -be wife and my soon -to -be sister -in -law.

That's all right, isn't it? Yeah.

We just all want to wish you the very best in life, or as we say in Scotland,

just good luck to you.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I'm so happy.

I'm pretty happy.

I'm all right.

And I, of course, am going to have the egg salad sandwich, or, as it is now

known, the Ira Buckman.

You don't have to have the egg salad every time just because it's named after

you.

I don't?

You think Maury Amsterdam always had the corned beef?

Maybe. You think Sammy Davis, every single time he came in here, he had the

and Swiss on the right? Why not?

You think Willis Reed, no matter what kind of mood he's in, he came in here,

had the turkey, chopped liver, domestic monster, Russian dressing? Yeah.

He's living in a dream world.