Original subtitles

There's a nice, clean dog.

This thing is great.

Tremendous suction.

What are you doing?

Just cleaning up Murray.

With my breast pump?

I'm going to clean it.

I'm just doing his back.

It's fur.

It was his idea.

Tell me why I love you like I do.

They say nobody's perfect.

Well, that's really true this time.

I don't have the answers.

I don't have a plan.

All I have is you. So God and help me understand what we do.

You can whisper in my ear where we go.

Who knows what happens after here?

Let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier.

Honey, Sarah wants to know if we have any cookies.

Honey, woo, hot and moist on my face. I know.

Sorry. I'm cooking for my mommy and me group.

What are you making, rubber?

No, mashed peas.

That's good, because regular peas would be just too appetizing. Honey, health,

health. Healthy foods for the children, health.

What are you eating? Cocoa puffs.

What?

I just never realized that peas smell so much like monkeys.

I'm not. I'm really not. I'm the one who got Sarah involved in this Mommy and Me

group. I'm trying to sell it. I understand.

I admire you for that effort. There is just nothing to eat, is there? Yes, and

any time you want a food shot, don't think you'll be hurting my feelings.

Baby, is this you or the powder?

It's my breast milk.

What? I really, I do want to taste this.

Well, taste it.

Is that weird? No, I think it's nice. Taste it. Because it's, you know, it's

you. It is. This is your essence, your life force. It's true. This is what

nourishes our daughter. Oh, honey, please taste it.

You know, maybe later. Okay.

Oh, cookies!

Not so much cookies. How about some Cocoa Puffs? Great. And bring sugar

Sugar for the Cocoa Puffs? Yeah.

Okay.

You know what, sweetie?

Little Claire may not be such a fan of the mashed peas. Maybe some nice mashed

Twinkie.

There we go. There we go. Some nice Cocoa Puffs. A little extra sugar, and

see you when you land.

What are you watching there?

Oh, well, then it must be good.

It's her favorite video.

It's called Teeny Toons. She can't be reached right now.

Wow.

Who's that? It's Ira.

Hey, Blakey. Hey, Pauly. You know, uh, Claire and Sarah.

Hey, Sarah.

Hi. Hello, Mabel. Guess what? Uncle Ira brought you a present. Oh, look, Mabel's

saying, what is it, Ira? What is it?

It's a watch.

Mabel's first watch.

How great.

And what an appropriate gift, too, because, you know, at 1 .35, she has an

appointment to spit up on herself.

Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom.

Yeah, well, you know where it is.

I want you to take me.

Okay, but only till you're 30.

Hey, is that that Teeny Toons video?

Well, you know about this? Yeah, it's like the hottest kids tape around.

It's unbelievable. It's just a woman in a housecoat just...

Ironing and singing.

You know, it's weird, too, because I know of at least three adult videos

begin exactly the same way.

It's wild. Kids love it. They just eat it up. They stare at it. They're

hypnotized by it. They just sit there quietly. It's great because they're

-ups. The parents can just live for a second. We hate it. Let me finish. We

them, though.

Why? Because why?

Because it's like baby opium. Kids just stare at it and their brains shut off.

James, she's ironing and singing.

Exactly. She's teaching children nothing. These things ought to open up

minds. Why don't you write one if you know so much? All right. No, I'm just

saying. Well, he can direct it. I can produce it. I mean, what are we talking

about here? A six or eight dollar cost per dozen?

Each one for $19 .95 times, say, 60 ,000 units? That's... Please write one.

Not a terrible idea.

We could make a little money. God, we'd be helping parents out. A big financial

upside. We could teach kids life lessons. Make a big stupid pile of cash.

I could actually get excited about this. Me too. Are we doing this? Yes,

absolutely. All right. All right.

Sweetie, what do you think?

What happened now?

Okay. All right, Pop.

Again.

Melon rinds, glass, utensils.

Anything that isn't a liquid, not a friend to the drain.

I know, I'm sorry. That's all right, that's all right. So how are you doing,

Pop? I'm good, I'm very good.

How'd everything go with the doctors? Went great.

He gave me these drops, these ginkgo biloba drops.

You ever hear of those? Yeah, ginkgo biloba, ginkgo biloba. Eight drops a

and now I hear better.

I didn't know you had a problem hearing.

I didn't, I heard fine. Only now I hear better, I hear everything.

I hear stuff that I never heard before.

Like what?

Rain.

Birds.

All the wonders of nature.

Birds! Also some things in the apartment.

You can't believe the stuff I've heard. You know my favorite song?

The last time I saw... Paris.

The last time I saw Paris.

I never heard the word Paris until this week.

All my life I thought it was a song about a blind man.

It's a song about Paris. That's unbelievable.

I heard the doorbell ringing.

Uh -huh.

Coffee percolating. And I heard you have a brother.

What? Right there.

What are you talking about? On the refrigerator, there.

This? Yeah, that's your brother. Yeah, under the banana magnet.

I thought this was like your friend's grandson or something. So did I. And

the drops.

And I heard your mother explain what that $12 check was she wrote every

Meet your brother, Eddie Wu.

Do I have a foster brother?

Your eastern brother.

He's Thai.

Oh, he's Thai.

Eats everything with mint.

Did you tell him yet? Uh -huh. You did? How did he take it? He took it fine.

Okay, please don't talk about me in the third person.

It doesn't mean that we love you any less, Paulie. I understand.

Would you like us to take you to Carvel for a Sunday?

I think I'll be okay.

Oh, a brother in Thailand, huh? The first buckman who can ride an elephant.

Quality.

Elephant, yeah, hops right on the elephant.

So what do we think?

Well, if you keep the sets minimal and you don't hire any actors, it could

Of course it could work. We can make a very nice, very sellable little film

here. One that educates and stimulates. And yet is commercially viable.

And yet doesn't pander, but instead inspires young imaginations. All right,

of them.

Whatever you say, whatever.

All right, Bobby, Bobby, I will turn this car around. All right.

James, tell us what you got on the script. Okay.

The central character is, you're going to love this, the Sandman.

The Sandman? You mean the guy who puts you to sleep?

Yes, I think the Sandman could teach kids what sleep is and why they need it.

Yeah, because they're never going to figure that out.

Talk to me nicely, everybody.

Wait a minute. Why do we need a character like that? Why can't it just

person? You know, like in a housecoat.

Maybe ironing and singing.

It's already been done, Ira.

Yes, so we know that it works. We're trying to do something better here. We

to edify, not just anesthetize.

I have no idea what she just said.

Ira, listen to me. The iron lady in the housecoat is a beloved national figure.

I say we get an iron, we get a housecoat, and we just roll tape.

I mean, how simple could it be?

All right, all right, everybody. James, why don't you, the floor is yours.

Okay. The Sandman is standing over a crib, and he sings, As the sun sinks

the horizon, a handful of dust I'll sprinkle your eyes in.

Sleep is a natural phenomenon, and with my help it can go on and on.

That's all I got so far.

I will sprinkle your eyes in. What have you got? I thought it was great.

Very great. Thank you. All right, look.

Can the Sandman at least be in a housecoat? No.

No. He has to be in a Sandman costume.

What's a Sandman costume?

No, a long hat with a ball in the end and the one -piece gold thing with a

little flap. Oh, cool.

All right, is there any reason why he can't be ironing? I don't know.

You know what? You know what? What do you think?

Hmm?

Choose. Rule. Make a ruling.

I... Well...

You know, it's a teeny, little, teeny, kitty, toony video. Oh, well, you've

never been excited about this.

I've never been... We've been doing this for, like, exactly 12 seconds, so

what... Show some enthusiasm.

I don't... You know, it's... I like videos. I don't know why we have to make

one, you know?

I mean, I like pancakes. I'm not opening an IHOP. You know, so I don't...

Raising your child. Four months. Here comes the child raising story. Nine

of pregnancy. All right, now the swelling. My ankle's swollen like

right, here we go. See you, man. I'm excited, excited, excited. Very excited.

Woo! Excited, very excited.

Wally, come on, would you? Hurry up!

You know how much your shyster camera guys cost?

I'm just making a point.

So my friend who works for the cable company says he's going to broadcast the

video for us. How about that?

Oh, that's good.

and save people the trouble of actually buying it. All right.

Come on, Paulie, hurry up!

All right, Sandman, at your service.

Sweetie, in terms of the pregnancy, the humiliation, the pain, I would say we're

even now.

Where's your sand pouch?

What? Where's your Mr. Sandman sand pouch?

I don't... Where do you think Mr. Sandman carries his sand?

In his Mr. Sandman sand pouch? Yes.

Well, I don't know what I was thinking, forgetting myself.

Day one, you show out without your Mr.

Sandman sand.

Put it over your shoulder, you know, wearing it like a purse. Hey, hey, hey,

come on. Before we actually start hemorrhaging money.

You hear the music there, and I'll mouth along with the singer, and you can get

me as I'm moving towards the crib. Hey, creep.

What?

Creep. You have to creep toward the crib. Remember, you are the Sandman. I

I know. I'm the Sandman. It's the sunset below. James, James, James, can we go?

It's going to be more exciting if you creep. All right. It's going to be a

thrill ride. Okay, you know what?

Yeah, Mr. Director?

Yeah, yeah. I think Hitchcock used to wear this around, didn't he? Yeah.

All right, let's go.

Ira, you'll say action.

Well, you're the director.

Yes, but look how I'm dressed. Are they going to listen to me?

Okay, here we go. Tony.

All right, lights.

And action.

Wait, wait, wait, sweetie. What is that? What did we just say about creeping?

I thought that qualified as creeping.

So did I. I thought it was great creeping.

He was walking.

He was creeping.

He looked like a guy getting the paper.

Okay.

When you say he, I'm right here. Okay. You actually want to show him how he

should creep. Happy to. How hard is it? Creeping. He's creeping. Well, that's

what I was going for. Can we shoot, please? All right. Back to one,

All right. Here we go. Tony, this is going to be the winner.

And lights.

And action.

slip of this? Oh, that's very true.

He was creeping. Okay, I'm pretty sure that wasn't creeping. I don't know what

it was, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't. If that's not creeping, I don't know

is.

Sandman cannot work like this.

Know who would really enjoy a copy of your baby video?

Who? Your brother.

My. Don't be jealous.

I'm not jealous. Why would I be jealous? What, you never heard of sibling

rivalry? I don't really think of them as a sibling.

Truck, truck!

What are you saying?

Outside, don't you hear it?

Oh, yeah, good for you, pup.

Big truck. Yeah, good.

Those drops are incredible.

Ma, let me ask you something.

Eddie Wu lives in a hut in Chiang Mai. So how is he going to watch a video?

They sent us a tape. Somebody over there must have something.

All right, so I'm going to send my brother.

I video.

Oh, good, because you know how he looks up to you.

Eddie Woo looks up to me? My God, he idolizes you.

All right, everyone, it's time for the video.

I want to watch The Terminator.

What a cutie she is.

It's not going to happen, Claire. Get real.

I want to watch The Terminator.

You know what, Claire? This is actually a better video for you to watch.

I don't like this. Turn him off.

Sprinkle your eyes in. Sprinkle your eyes in.

By the end of the song, they were all crying.

No. Screaming and wailing.

Even Mabel?

Especially Mabel. That's when she started throwing up the baby food.

Sweetie, no offense, but video or no video, that baby food of yours was not

going to stay down.

Did you see the color?

Yeah, that was the color of peas. It was the color of fear.

It was peas, but... We'll just see what the doctor says.

And you know what? I'll tell you something else. I find it hard to

Sandman would cause that much of a ruckus.

It's him! It's the Sandman!

Look out!

Mommy, make the Sandman go away.

No, no, no. I'll wait downstairs.

It was...

to be some detail, some subliminal element that is just setting these kids

off. I said Boris Karloff used to get this kind of reaction when he went out

public.

Thank you.

I'm just saying he was a decent man and people knew that.

In the end.

So just after 35 years of getting pelted with rocks, I should be okay, huh?

down, the Sandman is not going to talk.

Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry. I just... Sarah,

I just want to say, I hope this doesn't sour you on the Mommy and Me group. It

really is a worthwhile thing. Yeah, no, no, I'm sticking with the Mommy and Me

thing. Oh, good. But I think it might be better if you skipped a meeting or two.

I mean, just until everybody calms down a little bit.

You know?

And the mommies, they all agree with me.

Do you talk to the mommies about me? Oh, yeah.

Okay,

Claire, turn around.

Step, step, step. Out we go.

So sorry. Bye.

Sorry.

Was I just thrown out of a playgroup?

Sweetie, see, without the sound, just the picture, it's very cute.

What are you saying? That my song is the problem?

Honey, I'm just a man on the run looking for answers.

Hey. Uh -oh.

The sales figures from our first weekend.

And? Two.

Two hundred?

No, two. Two tapes.

One because they were out of blanks and the other because it was free when you

bought a blank.

Well, that's just really inspiring. James, a house coat and an iron, I beg

All right. All right, all right.

Okay, Paulie. We now enter what I find to be the most rewarding phase of any

business venture.

Recriminations.

Well, I blame you.

Yeah, and I blame you.

Well, there you go.

Honey, let me ask you a question.

Why did you have to act that way? You know what?

You get what you pay for. That's what I always say.

Yeah, well, have a little sympathy for me because you know I lost my shirt.

What?

What does that taste like?

Cocoa puffs.

Okay.

I hope you're happy.

What's the matter? We got a package from your brother. Who?

Eddie Wu.

Eddie Wu's my brother.

He's very upset.

Listen to this.

Kill Sandman, Mommy Buckman.

Kill Sandman.

Sandman must die.

Well, you know what? Send him 20 bucks a month. Let him get some therapy, too.

Don't make fun of him. He hasn't had the advantages that you've had. I

understand, Ma. I really do.

Airplane!

Airplane! Airplane!

Oh, good, good, Pop. You are scaring everyone in the Pacific Rim. This is the

first time I've ever been ashamed of you.

Ma. Can't you just once put your brother ahead of yourself?

Ma, if I could get rid of the Sandman tomorrow, believe me, I would. Why don't

you? What do you want me to do?

Well, for God's sakes, do something.

Hey, kids, guess what? Great news.

Sandman is gone.

There is no more Sandman. See?

Sandman is going.

Oh, wait. That's right. See? Goodbye.

Pray. Pray. Goodbye, Sandman.

Sandman is gone. See?

Sandman's shoes. Sandman all gone.

He's gone. Okay?

Sandman is not... Sandman was just silly.

Sandman was a silly man.

Oh, silly man.

He's a silly, silly man. Look how silly he is.

You know what? This is not any better. You should be happy and relieved.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. You should. It's a big improvement.

Look, Mommy, it's Silly Man.

You're right, honey. It is Silly Man.

That's Silly Man.

Oh, isn't that good? Just like you saw on TV. Well, nice to get talking to you.

Nice to see you. Bye -bye.

I think I like it better the other way. These kids respected me a little bit.

Silly man doesn't really want to do the stomping thing, okay?

Please? Well, that's nice, silly man.

Thanks a lot.

Okay, this is it. Okay.

Well?

We have any cookies in the house?