Original subtitles

Okay, we have 11 hors d 'oeuvres trays and no room in the refrigerator.

You know what we gotta do? We just gotta pick a weekend, unplug the phone, and

eat jam.

Honey, every year, and this is no reflection on you, your birthday party

But it's no reflection on me.

This year we've taken steps. We got happy birthday decorations, we bought

cute festive happy birthday earrings, and we've got really good hors d

We're gonna have a great time.

Yeah, and if they don't, just bark at them like that, because that helps.

That's the cake. Oh, gee, the cake.

We may have to borrow a refrigerator.

I'm not going to borrow a refrigerator. I'm sure we'll figure out some way to

make room. Yeah.

Coming through.

Okay,

that's a big cake.

From what I hear, Paul, your birthday parties need all the help they can get.

That's very nice, Marvin. Do me a favor. Go in the hall. See if maybe you

dropped your tact.

Your birthday party is not a reflection on you.

Marvin, don't antagonize the dog.

He started it. Hey, James, is it all right if I bring Catherine here tonight?

Marvin! What?

Who's Catherine now?

She's new. Oh, that's the rich one?

Yeah, you gotta take her to, like, $100 restaurants every time or she can't

digest.

Marvin! Ben,

dog! Ben, yes!

You all right?

Pain! Pain! Pain!

Just look at it. Marvin, it's nothing. He barely broke the skin.

Oh, my God.

Has that dog had its shots?

It's Marvin. Yeah, he's had his shots.

What about you? Have you had your shots?

All right, all right. Settle down. Marvin, come on. We'll take a look at

hand. Oh!

Oh! Hal and Maggie's.

Hal and Maggie's what? They'll use their refrigerant. Hal and Maggie? Really?

Why not?

Well, A, they hate us, and two, they really don't like us.

Just follow my lead.

Yes? Hi.

Hi.

Can I help you?

Well, we hadn't heard back from you about Paul's birthday party tonight, so

were just wondering if you were coming.

Just checking up to see if you're coming.

You invited Hal and me to your birthday party?

Did you not get the invitation?

No.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my God.

Those bastard postmen. That's what they are.

The Allied forces at Bastogne are surrounded.

Oh, darling, we have company.

Oh, hello.

Did we receive an invitation to Paul's birthday party tonight?

You're joking, of course. No, no, no, we sent it. Yeah, I can prove it. I have

the... I saved the... I still have the... We sent it. We did.

Well, if you're not busy, we'd love you to come. Oh, well, actually, we are...

We'd be delighted.

That's great.

We'll see you tonight. This is a beautiful place, by the way. God, look

these. These linen napkins? Gorgeous napkins. Yes, I only keep linen ones.

Honey, look at that. Look at that. Yes, it's a Suzanne lithograph.

I got it in the divorce settlement with my second husband, Hal.

Isn't it grand?

It really is.

It really is. Well, we better go. We've got hors d 'oeuvres all over the house.

In fact...

Do you have any extra room in your fridge? In our fridge? Oh, no. Of course

do.

You're a lifesaver.

So glad you're coming.

Not that I'm not in awe of your skill, but don't you feel a little dirty

now? We do what we have to do.

So, Catherine.

So, Ira.

Are your cousin's birthday parties always this punishing?

Sadly, yes.

Why do you think that is?

Secretly, I think it's a reflection on him.

Are you having fun? Oh, yes. Oh, boy.

What do you say we kick this party in the butt a little bit? Yeah, what you

in mind? Come here.

Next door, in Hal and Maggie's refrigerator, we have barbecue buffalo

Well, hold on to your hats.

Hello,

Paul. Hello.

What are you doing? Murray, he barely nipped you. Look at you. You look like

Stubby the Gauze King.

I am in tremendous pain to say nothing of my mental anguish.

Oh, really?

What are you doing? Are you going to sue me now?

Yep. For $1 .1 million, you get served the papers on Monday.

Are those double -stuffed mushroom capsules? Get out of there.

Let the merriment begin.

Buffalo wings, anyone?

No.

All righty, then. I tried.

Who doesn't like little buffalo wings? I know. James, you got like a... Yeah.

Yeah? Thank you.

Oh, by the way, did you see that Cezanne they got over there? Yeah, it's nice.

What time is it? 7 .30. Oh, sweet lord almighty.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

What's new with you?

Oh, nothing much. We re -wallpapered. Really?

Fent way too much. Huh.

Yeah.

What do you say we get this party going? Oh, please. Come with me. Next door in

Hal and Maggie's refrigerator, you will find authentic mini Philadelphia

cheesesteak sandwiches.

Look out.

You have insurance, don't you, Paul?

Marvin, I have insurance, but that's not the point. What you're doing, that's

wrong. It's litigious and it's...

It's icky, frankly.

It's icky and it makes me think that you're a bad person and maybe somebody

I shouldn't have invited to my birthday party.

I love little hot dogs. Get out of there.

Okay, everybody.

Authentic Philadelphia mini cheesesteak sandwiches.

Did you see that, Cezanne?

Yeah, no, it's very nice. Do you think Paul's cruddy birthday parties are a

reflection on him? No, it's her.

At bottom, she's not a giver.

Hey, guys. You having fun?

What's new in the world of Bert and Sylvia? Well, Bert pledged a fortune to

Red Cross walk -a -thon. Really? He didn't realize that you pledge per mile.

It's so complicated. In my day, you wrote a check. What are you talking?

your day.

Anyway, we got this terrific little Red Cross penknife.

Hey, what would you guys say if I told you next door at

Hal and Maggie's, this is my eighth in the hole, We have fish pockets.

I would say, wow.

According to my insurance, I am not covered for earthquakes, floods, or the

misdeeds of God's creatures, of which Murray is apparently one.

I'm really sorry, Paul. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me

know.

Well, this is just a thought. You could drop the lawsuit.

That I cannot do.

One, I love Cajun popcorn.

Well, you're not getting that.

Everybody, fish pockets.

Did you get a load of that, Cezanne? I saw it, I saw it.

Lovely party, isn't it?

Grand.

Excuse me, Mrs. Buckman, do you have a bathroom?

No, I'm afraid not. Yes, dear.

Hey,

Murray, Murray, come here. Come on, kill, kill, kill the guest. What are you

doing? That dog's crazy.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Put him in the kitchen. All right, Murray, come on, get

in the kitchen. Not him, you, Marvin. Come on, come with me.

We're leaving our own party? We're going to get the birthday cake.

Birthday cake.

Did I miss anything?

No, don't be silly.

Okay, who wants to go home?

What do we do? We could just make a run for it. No, no, I got it.

This is what we do. We turn all the clocks in our watches ahead two hours.

way, Paul and James come back. Somebody says, oh, my gosh, what happened to the

time? And we blow.

Oh, Kyra, you're a big genius.

Hey, hey. Marvin, change the clock on the microwave.

I heard the whole thing.

Next year, we're just going to send them a card.

For us, it's just an honor to be here.

Here we go. Everybody set? Here we go. Kid time.

you traditionally have candles on your cake? Well, you know, after a certain

age, really, you just start in a fire.

Well, let us lend you some candles. It'll be much more fulfilling.

Great, thank you. Thank you. Oh, boy, a bit later.

Oh, yeah, Ralph.

What do you mean? Is that clock right?

Yeah, geez, I think we've got to hit the road, huh?

Just a minute.

No one's going anywhere.

Our Suzanne has been stolen.

It's been cut right out of the frame, and we found this.

On the floor beneath it.

A happy birthday earring. Oh, my God.

Jacuzzi.

Ah, very funny. We stole the Cezanne. Wait a minute.

You two were alone when you went to get the cake, and that earring, it does

speak volumes.

Plus, right now, you need the money.

You know, this is interesting. It's very interesting that you would accuse us of

stealing. That's interesting. It's interesting, isn't it? Oh, it is. That

interesting. It's interesting.

Why is that interesting?

How do we know you didn't steal the Cezanne?

Me? That's right, yeah. You, you too. You were in there by yourself. And you

need money.

That's right. Look, you said yourself, Catherine is costing you a fortune.

Right.

I'm just saying, don't you go pointing a finger. Plus, you commented on the

Cezanne when you came back from the apartment. James, I did not steal the

painting, all right?

I'm sure you didn't.

Sure you didn't, Ira. But, you know, just indulge me, refresh my memory a

bit.

Specifically, which hors d 'oeuvre was it that you were sent in there to fetch?

To fetch?

I was sent in to fetch the buffalo wings.

Buffalo wings.

Interesting. Hal, if I might, may I see that frame?

All right.

Okay. Hal, would you say that that's some type of sauce?

It may be a sauce.

Ira, when you came back from the apartment, you wiped your hand with a

towel, did you not?

Yeah. Was it?

This paper towel?

I don't know. Freeze, Ira. You stay right there. Don't you move.

Maggie, will you please taste the sauce?

I'm going to sip a little more.

Does that sauce match the sauce on the lithograph frame?

Yes.

Okay, okay, okay.

I'll tell you what happened. I went in to get the wings, and on the way out, I

spilled a little wing sauce.

So I cleaned it up, but after I was done, I had noticed that the Cezanne was

little tilted. And, you know, being an art lover, I straightened it out.

I guess I had some sauce on my fingers, and that's how it got on the frame.

So forgive me if in my thoughtfulness I besmirched anything in any way.

Well, that's a very lovely story indeed.

But one little detail puzzles me.

Tell us, Ira, exactly with what did you mitigate the stain?

What? What did you use to clean up the sauce?

A napkin. What type of napkin?

An absorbent napkin.

Linen or paper?

It was paper.

What, you think I'm going to clean up a spill with nice linen napkins?

Maggie, my darling.

Excuse me.

Tell us, do you have any paper napkins in your home?

Of course not. They're for rabble.

Excuse me.

So, no paper napkins in their home. Would you like to tell the truth?

All right, all right, all right.

The truth is, the spill was a little worse than I said.

No matter what I did, I couldn't get it out, so I moved the table over it. And I

had noticed that the painting was tilted, so I straightened it. You know,

to make up for everything.

The part about me not realizing that I had sauce on my fingers, that was

absolutely true.

Well, Maggie, I would consider it an honor if you would let me buy you a new

rug. And new napkins, even though right now I am a little short on cash.

But please believe me, I did not steal the Cezanne.

Do you believe him?

I suppose so.

So, Paul and Jamie did steal the painting.

Joan, Joan, Joan, Joan.

Isn't it ironic that you would accuse us of stealing?

It is so ironic.

You and Debbie were also alone in the apartment.

Yes. And you also professed an admiration for the painting.

I did.

I'm saying. And the two of you are also very short on cash because you ran amok

re -wallpapering your apartment.

Plus, and this is interesting, the minute you came back here, you couldn't

to leave like you wanted to just get out of town with your loot. Okay, just hold

it right there.

We went in. We got the sandwiches. We put them on the dining room table while

went to look at the Saison. Then we picked them up and left.

Well.

It's a delicate, web -woven, Deborah.

But one little detail puzzles me. You say you put the little mini steak

sandwiches on the dining room table.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's troubling.

Hal!

Excuse me.

At this moment, would you say there's any room on your dining room table?

No. No, no.

And why is that? What is it that is taking up pretty much every square inch

your dining table?

The battle of the bulge.

The battle of the bulge.

Hmm.

What is wrong with your move? Sorry.

So, there was no surface to put any mini -stick sandwiches on.

Would you care to revise your story, ladies?

Living room looked in.

Odd. There was this table in the middle of everything. So when Debbie went and

got the sandwiches, I spruced up a little.

I know it's none of my business, but we're on this damn decorating kick, and

just couldn't help myself.

It was rude and presumptuous, but we did not steal that Cezanne. I suppose I

believe them. I suppose so. Which means that the real thief is... We didn't

teach you to steal, Pauline. Tell us, son. Is it our fault?

Or maybe there was perhaps another bad influence somewhere else in your life.

Who's saying where?

Sylvia, I can't help but raise an eyebrow at the notion that you would

of stealing.

Can't help but.

You and Bert were also alone in the apartment.

Yes. And you two also need cash thanks to your goofball philanthropy.

Which you'll tell me later.

Pocketknife the Red Cross gave you a perfect tool for the job.

We went over there, we got the fish pockets, and we came back.

Really?

Really. A tidy tale, Sylvia, but it seems to me... Could you move over a

bit? It seems to me you were over there for at least three or four minutes. Yes.

What took so long?

A little crime sidetracked you? All right, all right.

I looked at that living room and I thought, who could live that way?

And I had some time because the truth is, neither one of us knew what fish

pockets were.

But eventually, I figured it out.

Yes, we rearranged your living room.

But we did not steal a Cezanne.

I suppose I believe them, too. Yes, all right, but what kind of people are you?

All of which leaves Paul and Jamie.

Yes. Why don't you tell us what happened when you went to get the cake?

Sure. Went in, got the cake, and on the way out, I ran my fingers through my

hair, and the earring came off.

Do you believe them? No.

Oh, Paul, I... I think it's just best... Let's just be honest.

Okay. First of all, the good news, we thought the living room looked great.

when we got to the apartment, we felt bad.

I couldn't understand why the party was going so poorly.

Did I place too much emphasis on food, or is it just that at bottom I'm not a

giver? And I was thinking, no matter what your friends tell you, on some

if your birthday stinks, they think it's a reflection on you.

And then I felt a chill from the open window, so I got closer to Paul. And

I don't know, maybe because it was illicit, maybe just as a last attempt to

salvage the night, we started to fool around.

Somewhere along the line, an earring must have come off.

We made love is what we did.

We made love and it was great.

Now, Maggie, we're very sorry.

We may have made love on your couch.

But we did not steal. Did not steal. No, we didn't. Do you believe him?

No.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I think we should be honest.

Well, we were going to make love, but then it struck me. You know, it's my

birthday, and all anybody's thinking about is some stupid Chagall painting.

And then Jamie said, no, it's a Cezanne. And I said, no, I'm pretty sure it's a

Chagall, because Chagall, you know, it's always cows with the fiddles and

everything. And Jamie said, no, it's not a cow, it's a horse. And I said, why do

you always have to make me wrong?

And then she said, somebody might come in, and at this point, I'm not exactly

excited anymore. And somewhere in the middle of that, she lost an earring.

That's what happens. Everybody happy now? That's exactly, that's the absolute

truth. We wanted to fool around, but we were woefully...

Unable to.

I'm just going to go in there and die of shame.

Well, that's just grand.

You don't believe them?

No. If you could attempt copulation on our couch, you could also steal a

lithograph. What kind of logic is that? We did not steal the lithograph.

It's okay, honey.

Hal knows that.

What?

Hal, you know exactly who stole the Cezanne, don't you? You've known all

I don't know what you're talking about.

Oh, really?

Excuse me.

Okay, Mom, let me ask you.

When you went in there to move around the furniture, was the living room

open or closed?

Closed. Okay. I mean, why do you leave a window open? No, when you go out, it

closes. Okay, I understand. We got it. We got it. Thank you. Okay, it was

closed, which means somebody opened that window after Mom and Dad, but before

Jamie and me.

And why?

Why? Why would someone open that window on such a cold night?

To steal that Céjean.

Isn't that right, Hal? Certainly not. But when they climbed in, they found a

table there. A table they weren't expecting. A table over which they

landing, unless I missed my guess, right about the spot where Ira spilt the

buffalo wing sauce.

Which is why I believe your thief, ladies and gentlemen, is the person with

buffalo wing sauce stain on the seat of their pants.

If everybody would just turn around, please.

Okay.

to go to the bathroom, but instead, you held it in.

You didn't go to the bathroom at all. You climbed out our fire escape, onto

fire escape, climbed into your apartment window, fell right in the wingsuit.

Big surprise.

Crushed a little bit, I'm gonna guess. Then you hastened over to the Cezanne,

cut it right out of its frame, rolled it up nicely, re -hastened to the window,

and tossed Mr. Cezanne into the night.

Admit it. You stole your own Cezanne, didn't you? Oh, that's ridiculous!

All right, all right.

I hated that damn Cezanne.

It was as if your second husband, Hal, was hanging on that wall.

A smug little cow looking down at me every time I passed him. As if to say,

you're not the only Hal to pass this way, Hal.

I told you it was a cow.

Oh, let it go.

I wanted it out.

Out of the house.

I'm sorry, Maggie.

I'm sorry, everyone.

I'm a child in many ways.

A man -boy, a boy -man.

I'm sorry. I'm truly sorry.

Oh.

All right. All right, Hal.

Okay, Hal. All right, Hallie. Pal -buddy.

That's all right, Hal.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, the mystery is solved.

I've got to say, this is like the best birthday party you ever had.

Absolutely right.

And, you know, you've got to admit, on some level, it's a reflection on me.

it is.