Original subtitles

Is that cheeseburger?

No.

Ravioli?

Uh -uh.

I'm going to go with spinach quiche.

Not even close.

Baba ganoush.

I love you like I do.

Tell me who can start my heart as much as you.

I don't have the answers.

I don't have a plan.

All I have is you. So, baby, help me understand what we do.

And you can whisper in my ear where we go.

Who knows what happens after here?

Let's take each other's hand and jump into the final frontier.

I love this collar. It's so soft and nice.

I can't believe you spent that kind of money on a coat. Here, put the baby

there. Sweetie, it's a coat.

I'm not out of drinking and gambling.

It's an outer garment I'm using to protect myself from the elements. Well,

think it's indulgent. Do you know how much money it's going to cost to get a

college education by the time Mabel's 18?

Yeah, and also, by the way, I put some water to sustain my body weight. I hope

that was all right. You know what I'm talking about. You're not exactly

with money.

I ain't got 50 bucks that says that's crazy.

Look what we found.

A hundred dollars. Oh, my God.

Where'd you find all those?

Right here in the restaurant, right on the way in. Did you ask if it belonged

anybody? Sure, but they all said no. A very high quality of personage you get

here. Yeah, how'd you pick this place? We flipped a coin. You're kidding. No,

just flipped a coin. We narrowed it down as either this or a Mexican place on

3rd Avenue that has to have burritos the size of your head.

Steven, I'll be your server today.

What will it be today?

Muffins or breadsticks?

Ooh, a choice.

Do you want... Hey, you know what? Here's how we settle. Very simple. Watch

we do.

Muffins or breadstick, you're saying? Watch this.

Muffins? Muffins it is.

This is so...

You just flip a coin, make a decision.

You can't live that way.

Let's go to Atlantic City.

What? Yeah, to gamble the $100.

Oh, I don't know. Oh, come on, Bert. We're playing with house money.

House money? Yes. Where did you learn an expression like that? We had riverboat

night at the community center.

Let's flip the coin and decide which way to go. Heads we go, tails we stay. All

right, here we go. And Atlantic City, you go. Yeah, let's do it.

Someone like you to meet my friend Molly and her son Logan. Hi, Logan.

What, you're dating a woman with a child?

You know, Mom, they're actually at the table.

Ira and I are just old friends.

That's right. Hey, make yourself comfortable, kid. Polly, do me a favor.

Logan a math question.

A math question? Yeah, yeah, I'm serious. Go ahead. Anything.

All right.

What is 418 times 642?

168 ,356.

That's right.

Muffins. Thank you very much.

Okay. All right. Just a second, everybody.

What? Look at my muffin. What about it? My muffin looks like Madonna.

It does not.

From Evita?

Oh, my God.

coin and pick a restaurant where you guys find $100. We flip it again to pick

muffins over breadsticks and you end up with a muffin that looks exactly like

Madonna. Oh, scary.

Paul?

Paul Buckman. Yeah, yeah, Lou.

How are you doing?

How are you?

It's been a while. How have you been, sir? Great. Good. I'm working over at

television news magazine show Hard Edition now. Oh, is that right? Yeah,

Edition. Good, good, good. Just started over at Hard Edition.

Get my first segment produced over there in hard edition.

Good for you.

Okay.

You know my wife, Jamie? Oh, I know you.

Lou Bonaparte, hard edition.

Lou Bonaparte, hard edition.

You know, Paul, I couldn't help but overhear you saying you had miraculously

received a muffin that looks exactly like the Madonna.

No, not the Madonna. Madonna, the singer.

I don't see it. From Evita. I see it.

It's miraculous, Paul.

This could be a sign from the Almighty.

Do you understand what we're saying? It's Madonna the singer.

Not Celine Dion or Lou Rawls or someone whose name has no religious underpinning

whatsoever. Madonna, Paul.

And you say you haven't had a segment produced yet, huh?

No, because... Paul.

What are your plans for the muffin?

Um, um, plans? I don't know that we have plans, Lou. A little butter, have some

coffee with the muffin. That's about it.

That muffin has hard edition written all over it, and I'm telling you, we'll pay

you for it. We'll pay you handsomely for it. For the exclusive rights to a story

on the muffin.

Handsomely?

Embarrassingly handsomely.

Wow. Enough maybe to sock away for, oh, our daughter's education?

Look at that. Well, because I'm against education for my daughter. No, I'm

saying that he's going to pay us handsomely. Yeah, because I have no

So you're worried about... about the integrity of the muffin?

Here's how we settle it. Watch this. Ready?

Can you tell us, was there any special way the coin was chosen?

No, Lou, there really was not.

I needed a quarter, because I was doing a laundry, and we were trying to pick a

restaurant, so I just reached into the change bowl.

Funny. Fantastic. So, in a way, this is the coin of destiny.

Lou, what would I have to say to you to make this less of a big deal? No, no,

no.

No, no, no.

I'm with you. I'm with you. For want of a load of laundry, the coin of destiny

was born.

And from that coin of destiny, an epic muffin.

From the epic muffin. Both of you, just stop it.

Why can't you just believe?

Lou, do you think you pretty much have everything you need now? Nope.

Tip of the iceberg, my friend.

Hey. Hey. Hi. Hey. Hi.

Paul, can I talk to you for a minute? Sure. Yes, and when you're talking to

Paul, you can talk to hard edition.

If you don't mind, just Paul.

All right, sir.

What's up?

Well, let me ask you something.

What did you think of Logan?

Nice kid. Liked him. Nice. Yeah?

That's all? Like a human abacus, but... Just nice. Nice kid.

Why? I think he might be my son.

I'm sorry, what? Yeah, yeah. Molly, she's not sure who Logan's father is,

He's 12 years old, and it was about 12 years and 9 months ago that Molly and I

were together.

In my life, I've never heard you mention Molly.

It was just a one -time thing. It was during Hands Across America.

You mean during the actual demonstration?

Yeah.

Okay, so here's the thing. You were just supposed to be holding hands.

Come on. You're standing with a cute girl in a ditch holding hands?

Any moron could close that deal.

Hey, how come you just got one kind of mustard?

Because we're cavemen.

What are you going to do about this now? I'm going to go down after this and I'm

going to get a blood test.

Wow. You know what?

I'll bet you it's nothing. I'll bet you you'll be free and clear.

Yeah, well, Paulie, here's the thing.

I'm not sure I want it to be free and clear.

What are you talking about? I mean, I like this kid. I really do.

It's strange. I feel like a connection with him. I can't explain it.

Ira, Ira, Ira, Ira, Ira, Ira.

Let me explain something to you.

Fatherhood is a very complicated thing. You don't just walk into a relationship.

There's a lot of this building.

Cut it out.

What do you think? I know that. You think this is some goofball impulse?

I am profoundly moved by the notion that this could be my flesh and blood, and

I'm deeply, deeply drawn to him as a parent.

Okay, okay. I'm sorry.

I want to talk to the coin. Oh, for God's sake, Marvin.

Ask the coin if I should call my ex -girlfriend one more time.

Marvin, it's a coin. No, it's not. It's the coin of destiny.

It's a quarter.

You used to be a lot wackier.

All right,

Marvin. Okay, yes, it is the coin of destiny, but it's the coin of...

Very small destiny. You know, it's the coin of muffins versus breadsticks. It

not the coin of life decisions.

Thanks, Paul.

All right, all right, all right.

How many times have you called her already?

Uh, that one doesn't count.

Eighteen.

Yikes. Okay, Marvin, the coin feels you should seek counseling.

Flip it, please.

All right, all right, all right. Heads, you don't call her in tails. Give her a

call.

Heads. So, definitely, the answer is don't call her. Flip it again.

Heads. Flip it again.

Heads. Flip it again. Marvin, don't do this to yourself. Just go ahead.

Heads.

Okay. All right. Let's test the coin.

Let's see.

Ask it if I'm a five -foot -one Swedish woman.

Tails. Wow.

Stupid coin.

Hey, hey, hey, don't insult the coin.

Note to self, coin may be bigger story than muffin.

Well, I'll give you $100 to just get out of here. Yeah, just throw our money

around. I'm just saying, as an exp... Oh, hello.

Oi! Hi, Pop, where are you? Oh, Atlantic City.

Atlantic City. Yay, winning or losing?

Winning! Oh, really? How much?

$9 ,500!

You guys won $9 ,500?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have to go. Okay. All right. You know what? Go and enjoy

it. Okay. Bye.

Okay. That is the coin of destiny.

Stop it. You still don't believe it? No, I don't believe it. All right. Fine. Do

me a favor.

How you doing?

All right. Listen. Do me a favor. Ask that coin a question for me, will you?

Okay. Okay. What? Fine. Ask that coin if my husband, Paul, ordered $30 worth of

dinner last night to be delivered here while I was sleeping, even though there

was plenty of food in the house.

Excuse us one second. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't want you to hear this. Go ahead, ask it. I don't... I would never do

that. Uh -huh, ask the coin. Well, I don't have to ask the coin because I

would never do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead, ask it. I don't have to ask it

because I know I would never... Yeah, and at the same time, ask it if you left

half an egg roll on the nightstand.

Huh.

I left an egg roll on the night... Yeah, you're talking crazy. Uh -huh, ask it,

ask it, ask it. Just ask it.

Okay, fine.

All right?

Coin is wrong. Uh -huh.

Coin is wrong.

Ask it if you bought the Fleetwood Mac Laser Disc, even though you already own

the CD box set.

I didn't, A.

And two, they're very different because one doesn't... Ask it, ask it, ask it.

Okay.

Coin wrong again, wrong again. Ask it if you've been making calls to brokers to

get floor seats for the Nick game.

What do you know? You tailing me? Ask it.

All right, that's the coin of destiny. Thank you. Now do you believe? Yes, I

believe.

Look at that.

It's unbelievable.

It looks like it's going to jump right up off the plate and sing Don't Cry For

Me Argentina.

Hey, everybody.

Howdy, Oracle and Mrs. Oracle.

Oh, Lou, you're hovering again.

Not hovering.

Investigating. Okay, Pauly. Yes. The question is, should I buy 500 shares of

Eastman Kodak? Let's take a look, shall we?

Call your broker. I love that coin.

Hello, House of Coin.

Hi, how you doing?

Oh, I understand. Yeah, okay, hold on.

Okay, that's yes on Proposition 108.

And apparently, no on the bond issue.

Happy to help.

Okay, that's what we do here at House of Claims.

I'll tell you, I've never been an oracle before, but I've got to say, I like it.

Okay.

All right.

How about this?

Ask your coin if calling my ex -girlfriend is not something I should

I highlight my hair?

Boxers or briefs? The coin is not a toy. In fact, give me that. No, we are not

going to play with it like a bunch of silly children.

Why don't you all just sit there and think about how you're behaving?

Searching for the coin of destiny.

I see.

So to me, the coin means hope.

Hope that Luann really does love me, and maybe one day there will be joy in

my heart again.

Hey. Hey, hey, we're glad to see you. Come here. Ask the coin.

Tonight, should we have Chinese or Italian?

Oh, sweetie, what are we really saying? That we're actually incapable of making

a decision on our own?

Pretty much at this point, yeah.

So, come on, flip the coin. I don't know that we should be relying... Flip the

coin, flip the coin.

Heads Chinese, tails Italian.

Chinese.

There you go.

Now, the decision made nicely.

Hello?

Hey, Pop.

Uh, well, let me ask. Hang on a second.

Sweetie? It's my dad. Red or black? What?

They were at the roulette wheel in Atlantic City?

Red or black?

The roulette wheel? No, they ate at one point. Red or black?

Red.

Red it is.

You got... Oh, I got another call. I'll see you.

Hello? Hey, Mark. How you doing?

Let me ask. Hold on a second.

Sweetie? Yes, Mark. Corned beef or brisket?

Corned beef. Seabee.

You need any help with the side dish?

No, he's okay with the side dish. Okay.

Yeah, enjoy. Okay, got another call.

Hello?

Hi. Who's that?

Millie and Barney Craft.

Oh, you met my folks in Atlantic City there.

Oh, isn't that nice?

What is it?

I'll be happy to help. Hold on one second.

Sweetie, station wagon or a minivan?

A minivan, but I don't think... It's the minivan.

Boy,

I'll tell you, you know, with that coin and one of those multi -line phones, I

could be the king of France.

Hey, got any food? Logan.

It's okay. Get some right through there. Thanks.

I thought we'd come over, spend a little time with Logan. Let him establish

those all -important family bonds.

Ivor, don't you think you're getting a little ahead of yourself here?

I'm telling you, I am the kid's father.

Hey, if you don't believe me, forget this blood test. Just ask the coin.

Oh, I don't think we want to hear this. No, why don't you just ask the coin?

What, do you want me to flip my own coin? Flip your own coin.

This is not going to work. This is the only coin of destiny.

Honey, I think DNA testing edges out the coin in this case. This is exciting.

Heads on the father, tails on that.

And the answer is... Heads.

Wow.

Wow. Wow.

I'm a dad.

You know, this coin has never been tested at all to any degree.

Hey, Polly, how come you only got one kind of mustard?

That's my boy.

I love that you and I have the coin of destiny.

Tweety, this is not the coin of destiny.

Hey, are you losing faith in the coin?

I accidentally put the coin of destiny into the washing machine.

Well, that's not a good use of the coin now, is it?

Gee, really?

Well, go get it back. Yes. All right, I'll do that. Good luck.

It's in here with 5 ,000 other quarters.

Oh.

When was this?

Before, when I went down to do the laundry.

So we've been dispensing advice based on a false coin of destiny. This is what

I'm saying.

Well, that's just irresponsible.

You're the one begging me to flip it. Well, I didn't think you'd be so

with it.

Idea for follow -up. Paul and Jamie a year later.

Who is it? It's us. Martin, Sylvia Buckman.

You're irate, parents.

What do you mean, irate? Give me that coin.

Why, why? We want to stamp it and smoosh it and hurt it and bend it. All right,

I get the idea. What happened? What happened? Black. Black happened.

21 roulette wheels in a row, all black.

Thank you, coin.

Wow. Well, the coin is speechless. The coin doesn't know what to say hello.

Hey, Mark.

What do you mean, food poisoning?

Oh, that's not... You know what? Just call us when you're done. Okay.

There's a man who wishes he had brisket.

Hey, Marvin. What's... Hi. Hey, everybody.

I'd like to introduce my fiancée, Luanne.

Your fiancée? I finally thought, screw the coin of destiny, and I called her.

I just was so impressed by his persistence.

Nineteen times is the charm, huh, guys?

Huh? I guess so. And Marvin's such an angel, he's already paid off all my

cards. Is that right? And he's going to re -sod my lawn.

Oh, that's nice of you. And he agreed to no sex.

Stand back, everybody.

She's all mine.

Possible future segment, Husbands Without Hopes.

Hey. Oh, what's the matter?

Blood work came back. And?

And I am not the father.

Oh.

Are you okay?

Yeah, sure, it's okay.

It's a free Tibet rally down at the Yorn a little later. I'm thinking of

stopping by.

Listen, you know, it's a little disappointing, but at least no real

done, you know?

Oh, hi.

Here's your minivan.

Honey, you know the crafts.

No one knows, for sure, which quarter in the pillowcase is the coin of destiny.

Someday, oh, maybe some lucky fella.

Or gal. Thanks a lot.

We'll find the coin and rediscover its amazing powers.

Maybe it'll be you.

Maybe it'll be your neighbor.

Maybe it'll be your uncle.

Maybe it'll be your neighbor's uncle.

Maybe it'll be your uncle's neighbor.

Maybe your uncle is your neighbor.

Or maybe, just maybe, it'll be me, Lou Bonaparte, for Hard Addiction.