Original subtitles

I'm just saying if it were me, I'd be offended.

And I just, I don't see what there is to be offended about here. I mean, it's

Debbie and Joan.

You invite them to dinner and then you ask them to bring dinner?

Okay, well, not a bad deal for you and me.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Uh, if you two don't mind, I'd like to start taping our sessions.

Fine. Uh, why?

Paul, there's nothing to be alarmed about. The tapes will complement my

and really help our work. I know.

Okay.

Okay. Now, where were we?

Paul was taking advantage of his sister.

That's the first thing you want to say on the tape?

Paul, just pretend the tape isn't here.

Okay, um... My sister... No, yeah, I was trying to simply make life a little

easier for the new parents.

Honey, we're hardly new parents.

Ah, we're new. We're not new. We've been parents for months. Yeah, but we're

new, you and me.

What are you talking about? We just... We haven't, you know, we haven't seen a

movie since, like, Ben -Hur.

We've seen Fran and Mark once, and that was to get their car washed. And sex,

you know, sex is like...

Canada. It's right there, but we never go.

Paul, these things take time.

And I'm happy to take that time.

I got nothing but time.

Time is on my side.

Okay. Paul Buckman, healthiest man alive.

What if I said I thought I was ready?

Ready for what, baby?

Ready for sex.

Can you play that back?

Because I think I am.

Ready for sex?

Yes.

Well, I'd say, A, much more fun than getting Fran and Mark's car washed.

But, B, I thought you said we have to wait six months.

Um... What was that? What was that?

What was that? What was what?

That little look you guys just shared a look.

Right there. You just did it again. What was that?

Okay. Sheila and Jamie shared a look.

I... I did.

Say that we have to wait six months. I remember.

So that was a little bit of an overstatement.

Like a lie?

No. No, no. It actually is.

Really? And you were in on this? Well, it's important that Jamie not feel any

pressure from you. This is a big step. So when could sex have begun? Begun.

Begun. Commenced.

Uh, six weeks after Mabel was born.

Six weeks. I'm so sorry.

Not six months, but rather six weeks. I couldn't be more sorry.

Week seven, week eight, weeks nine through 120 ,000.

We could have been having sex. I wasn't ready.

You know, I understand.

The thought of it was so repulsive.

The important thing is I'm ready now.

You're ready, yeah, but ready like what? Ready like, all right, maybe I'll look

at a dessert menu? Or ready like...

Oh, boy, cake.

I would like some cake.

Really?

I want cake.

Okay, because I got cake.

I got nothing but cake.

I'm a big baker.

Paul, let's not start thinking this is going to be some kind of big free -for

-all.

I beg your pardon?

Jamie's still liable to have some anxiety, so take it easy.

Show some restraint.

Reign it in.

Excuse me.

I have all kinds of restraint.

I mean, have I said anything to you about this? Have I? Just truly, have I?

I said one thing? One thing? Yes, Paul. What?

This is a form of pressure. No, but just you back me up. Have I said or done

anything to pressure you? No. No. A request? A suggestion?

No. Have I hugged you funny?

He's done nothing.

Thank you. And I mean nothing.

What's that?

Well, you could show a little interest.

What?

How do you think it makes a person feel?

I have so much to absorb.

Pregnancy and the birth, all the changes in my body, everything you've seen. Oh,

sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, please trust me. I find you every bit as

sexy and as attractive and as desirable as the day I met you.

Really? More, more so.

I mean, it's not just wanting you.

Here's want.

Here's me.

Want, need, urgency, and covet.

That's where I'm at now. I covet you.

Do you understand? I covet you. You're my wife, yet I covet you. Not my

neighbor's wife, you.

In my head, six commandments. I'm breaking right now. Just looking at you.

Paul?

And yet, at your pace.

You're gonna love this place. Best pizza in the city. Who invites you to dinner

and then asks you to bring dinner?

Your new parents, let it go.

No. Care for a flyer? No, thank you. Take a flyer. I don't need a flyer. I'm

already here. Well, they won't let me leave until all these flyers are gone.

Take a flyer. I'm sorry, I don't want one. They're watching me, lady. I can

them. Take a flyer. I said no, thank you. Here you go.

This is to be to you. Deb, just take a flyer. I don't want a flyer. It's really

good pizza. What are you, you too good for a flyer? Deb, just take a flyer so

can go in. Oh, now you're on his side. Why don't you just make it easy on

everyone and take a flyer? I said I don't want it. Oh, you want it.

Take a flyer.

Take two, tell a friend. Shut up, liar. And if you don't get out of my way, I'm

going to march right in there and talk to your manager. Do you understand me?

Give me a kiss.

thank you enough for saying you'll have sex with me.

Paul, remember we talked earlier about you not putting a lot of pressure on me?

Yes, right. No, yes, no pressure. There is no pressure. I'm pressureless and

pressure -free.

It's nice and easy.

Thank you.

You know what? How about you go get a salad bowl down for me? Okay.

Okay, that's good. See?

Now I have a task.

I got a task. I have something to focus on.

So now my energy and focus is all here.

I'm pressuring you.

Nobody's going to get hurt.

And we get a nice salad bowl. Here you go. Tell them.

I want cake.

Cake is good.

Oh, it's Debbie and Joan. Get rid of them.

How? I don't know. Kill them?

I'll be quick.

We held out this long. I think I can make it another 30 minutes. Try to make

10.

See what I can do.

No piece of pizza is worth what I went through. It's the best pizza in the

Come on in. You could have just taken the flyer. I don't have to take a flyer

from every piece of pizza in the city.

Wait, wait, wait.

Where is the pizza? She hit him. Can you believe that? He licked me with the end

of himself.

So there isn't any pizza? We don't have the pizza.

You have no food at all. Is this a problem?

Thanks for coming.

We'll call you, or you call us. We'll call you. We'll call you. Who invites

to dinner and then asks you to bring dinner, and then when you don't have

dinner, throws you out of there?

We'll explain tomorrow.

They'll understand.

You remember that subway token I gave you this morning? Yes. Let's call that

foreplay. Good.

She's too young to be around this.

I

don't

know how I went this long without cake.

I love cake.

Bad parents.

How soon can she start therapy?

She's fine.

Oh, my God, all the breathing and the panting.

Not to mention a rather vulgar discussion about cake.

She heard everything.

Whatever she heard, she didn't know what it was.

Yeah, but you didn't see the look in her eyes.

When we came out of the bedroom... The child's first words are going to be,

who's your big daddy?

So what? So that's what, my fault? Well, I didn't say it. Yeah, but you were

pretty worked up, too. You were cooking. Paul, Paul, Jamie, it's okay.

Okay? Now, just relax.

Now, tell me. Did you have sex while you were pregnant?

Yes. Oh, my God, why? Was that wrong, too? That is perfectly healthy. And

heard that.

Yeah, but muffled.

I'm sorry.

our child, our baby, and for what? 20 minutes of ho -hum sex.

Jamie, you and Paul are going to get past this.

Can we go back one second?

Ho -hum sex?

No, no. I say ho -hum. I didn't mean ho -hum. I meant ho -hum, like, you know,

ho -hum.

You were making a lot of noise for just ho -hum.

Well, yeah, of course. I was trying to let you... Unless... Did you... Did you

fake it?

You know, a little bit.

Okay, well, you know... Almost to the very end.

Me, too.

Me, too.

I was happy for you.

Were you just not into it? No, I was into it. I was. I told you I was ready.

So you're ready, and you're into it, and yet...

I couldn't bring you to the promised land?

I really enjoyed myself.

Stop the tape.

I was headed to the promised land. I almost got... I got halfway there. I

to get there. I really did.

Halfway there is very good, Paul.

Paul, do you think I enjoyed having to fake it?

Aren't we out of time?

I've never had to do that with you before. Well, glad to hear that. One

the polka -dotes, but other than that... Okay, you know what?

How do you think it makes me feel? You can't tell the difference.

Well, hey, if it looks like a banshee and screams like a banshee, I'm thinking

banshee.

Me too.

Honey, she's fine.

I don't want to have sex with you.

Well, neither do I, but don't you think we should?

No. Come on, let's just get it over with. We can get on with the rest of our

lives.

Oh, well, now I'm hot.

I hope they appreciate this pizza, because I had to barrel my way past this

in a pizza suit who actually flicked me with the end of himself.

He knows a good thing when he sees it.

What are you doing?

What do you think I'm doing?

Oh, I know what you're doing.

Who's my big daddy?

Well, big daddy's not giving it up.

What is the problem here? We've always had perfectly great sex.

Apparently, not in the Poconos.

This is the beginning of a new era, and we got off on the wrong foot. I just

want to get us onto the right foot. I see. So it's sex, not so much for

pleasure, more for making a point. Exactly.

Okay, sweetie.

Even if I had one ounce of attraction for you right now, Joan and Debbie are

coming like any minute.

Come on.

Huh? What'd I say?

All right, but as soon as they leave, I'm coming after you. Yeah, whatever.

Did you get it? Where is it? I want it. Oh, I got it.

Where's Debbie?

Oh, she's parking the car. God, I love this pizza.

Oh, come here, you cute thing.

You gotta tell me, what is so good about this pizza? Oh, look.

I don't know about you, but I am...

Darn. Well, good, because we got the pizza that you guys like.

Joan, what are you doing?

I'm eating pizza.

That pizza?

Yeah.

How could you do that to me? Well, can I see you in the kitchen for a moment,

please? Sure.

How could you?

What? That's like stabbing me in the back.

I guess Debbie doesn't like the pizza as much.

It's not going to happen, my friend. Come on.

We've got guests. You've got Mabel. So they can take her for a walk.

They just got here.

You sure?

You know what?

Take her for a little walk.

That was incredible.

Uh -huh. I mean, I put in with such low expectations.

just gonna, you know, get the job done and call it a night, but you, you would

have none of that, would you?

You realize, not only did I get there, but I came back and I got there again.

You don't believe me, do you? Not one word.

It's the truth. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Honey!

You know what you are? You are the little girl who cried cake.

Yes, you are. And the first time you cried it, we all came running down that

hill.

In good faith, we ran down that hill, and what did we find?

No cake.

So this time, me and the villagers, we're not even going to make the trip.

We're just going to stay here and make our bricks.

You finished? And someday, I'll tell you right now, you're going to cry cake for

real, and you know what? I will not even be there.

You know what I'm saying.

It's all really a matter of credibility.

and the fact that you have none.

Why do you insist on spoiling what was a perfectly great experience?

Paul, Jamie sounds awfully sincere to me.

Are you, like, ever on my side?

Twice, Paul. I got there twice. Do you realize how rare and special that is?

Excuse me.

Twice?

Twice! Jamie.

Sometimes we exaggerate to try to make a point.

Well, for example, I've got a million things to do today.

Now, I may be very busy, but do I really have a million things to do?

Unlikely, isn't it?

Okay, can I just say something? If I, you know, really concentrated and

all my energy and my attention, and the temperature was just so, twice is not so

out of the question.

Interesting, you weren't focused.

What? You just said you weren't focused.

I wasn't, yeah, I wasn't all there.

What do you mean? You mean you didn't have a... No, of course I did. Well,

Honey, I'm a guy.

So? So means nothing.

Thanks. I mean, I can do that in my sleep.

Now, Paul, you were saying you were distracted.

I wasn't distracted. It just so happened...

The way I was positioned, my eyes were kind of facing the night table, and I

on the night table was Mabel's pacifier.

And I realized we forgot to give the pacifier to Debbie and Joan. You're

thinking this during our movie? So I'm thinking, uh -oh, what else did we

forget? Did we forget the rattle? No, she's got that. Her blankie? No, that

in the stroller. And then right there, that's where you interrupted, and you

screamed out, Oh, God!

I interrupted.

You said, oh, God. So I had, God, my mind went to my theology class in

Oh, God.

This to you is an interruption. So now I got college. I got Mabel in college.

Mabel in college. You think the phone rang. That could be an interruption.

Excuse me. And I started thinking, uh -oh, do we have enough money to send

to college? I said, for example, hey, pal, make me a sandwich. It's arguably

interruption. If we don't, then she's going to start working. This is what I'm

thinking. She's going to have to work right after high school, which is

what my cousin Todd did. And I thought about Todd, who always had this annoying

expression. He used to say, hey, it doesn't take a Philadelphia lawyer to

that out.

It doesn't take a Philadelphia.

I was thinking, why Philadelphia? Why has a lawyer got to be from

So I'm thinking Philadelphia.

I'm thinking of the Phillies. I'm thinking of Cookie Rojas. Don't ask me

And then suddenly, so I have all these things running around my brain. So,

I was a little distracted.

All this, and you still got there?

Honey, once again, I'm a guy.

I'm very unhappy about this.

Do you see me jumping up in the air singing, sweet Sue?

Listen, you two are putting way too much pressure on yourselves.

Forget about sex for a while. Maybe it was too soon.

So you're telling us we can't have sex?

Well, in my professional opinion, don't.

Yikes.

Or...

We can go to the apartment right now and give this thing one last shot.

What? Come on. Double or nothing.

As your therapist, I strongly advise you... Come on. For all the marbles.

I'm with him.

Fine. Don't come crying to me when it all turns ugly.

So, overall, the experience, you would say... Very nice.

I'm scaling one to ten.

A six, a solid six.

You see, that I believe.

I

don't

get it. I mean, you told me to be more assertive, and it's, I have to say, it's

not working well.

Well, people seem to really dislike me.

Why do you think that is?

I don't know.

Come on, why do you think?

Maybe it's because I like to flick them at the end of myself.

Now we're getting somewhere.