Original subtitles

Watch me.

Voila.

I gave birth.

Why does she have to interview for preschool?

If we want to get her into the best schools later, we have to... I

she has to go to the best preschool. It's just, I don't know, it's just, it's

all so creepy.

You know what I did for preschool?

I bounced tiny trucks off Ira's head until it was time for kindergarten.

There you go. Let's show Daddy your manicure. Look.

Oh, stunning.

Stunning. You know what? Even if you blow the essay question, they'll take

on your nails.

Okay, you take her.

Mommy's going to eat a piece of turkey.

Daddy's in charge.

She says Daddy's in charge, but you know what? Not really.

You know what happened to all those coupons?

What coupons? The free stuff coupons we're supposed to send to Uncle Phil.

in the drawer.

All right, because, you know, we need them for today. Yeah, you know, he wants

to buy Mabel that Gila Tata. He said there's a coupon for it.

He said there's also one for talcum powder. We should have one for tuna fish

something about discount veal.

What?

The baby? The baby, yes.

Okay.

Hey, look at this one, 50 % off, crunchy peanut butter. What size?

Uh, 15 -pound drum only.

Exactly. Why does he need that?

Oh, honey, needs it, uses it, not so important.

But get it for less, yes.

Why doesn't he clip his own coupons? Oh, he does, but he also takes ours and my

parents and everybody in the world, and he goes into a store and he just unloads

them. It's a felony, you know that.

What's a felon? It is. I read a whole thing in the Times about some woman who

made like $60 ,000 clipping coupons. They threw her in jail.

Really? Was she in the cell with all the people who tear the tags off of

mattresses?

I'm telling you, it's a real thing. All right, you know what? When we go to the

store today, you explain it to Uncle Phil.

Yeah, would you be tremendously upset if I didn't go with you to that?

Why?

I'm supposed to do this thing with Ira.

What thing?

It's with Ira. Oh, what do people do before turkey?

What kind of thing are you doing with Ira?

It's something he wants me to do with him. He wants me to do something.

You don't know what it is?

Like a... Like a personal thing?

I think so.

Ira needs you for something personal? I think that's what it is.

You're seriously not going to tell me?

I think it's like this personal thing.

Love you.

So, tell me about Mabel.

She loves music and dancing. She really loves books.

Loves books.

She has a real ear for the spoken word and languages, especially foreign

languages. And Mabel is how old?

And next week she'll be almost a month.

Miss Harris, Justin wants you to hug him goodbye.

Will you please excuse me just for one moment? Sure, sure.

Okay, so where are you going with Ira that's so personal?

Nowhere. Is his dress too cutesy?

Huh? No. Is he sick or something? Who's that?

Ira. No.

Is he getting another perm?

I'm not going to tell you, so drop it.

I'm sorry for the interruption.

No problem. That's okay.

Well... Did we mention museums? Because we're taking her to museums all the

time. You did.

Listen, Mabel seems like a wonderful child, and you seem like wonderful

Thanks. Well, a child is such a... Listen, I'm going to be presenting your

application to our board of directors this evening, and we should have an

for you tomorrow. Okay, great. Isn't that nice? Thank you. Thank you so much.

I got it. I know what it is.

You and I are making a surprise party for my half -birthday?

Yeah, that's it.

A dolphin, right? That's the one. Wait!

What now?

Maybe we should go for the starfish. Oh.

I'm sorry.

No, no, hey, hey, hey, take your time. This is a very important decision.

I tell you what.

I'm going to go in the other room.

Why don't you and your old man put your heads together and see if you can pick a

fish?

What? That he thinks we're together, you and I. Yeah. How about an Aztec son?

Oh, that's cool.

I bet you Polly would love that.

Don't say a word of this to him, Ira, you understand?

James, you know, I gotta tell you, I'm not privy to the intimate details of

personal life, but it seems to me that, you know, if you're gonna get a tattoo

on your body, your husband is gonna stumble upon it eventually.

By that time, it'll be mine, and he won't be able to take it away or talk me

of it or make fun of it. He is going to eat this thing up. I'm telling you,

there was nothing sexier to a guy than a woman with a tattoo.

Well, I just wanted to do something.

I'm telling you, you know, it's okay. You want to look cool.

I don't want to look cool. I understand.

I do. You want to feel sexy.

It's not about... You want to feel a little bit funky.

It's not funky. You want to do something unconventional. You want to do

something with a little edge, a little bite. You want to be reminded of who you

used to be.

Yes. You want to look cool. Oh.

I can't make up my mind.

You know, we're going to sleep on it. All right. Okay, we'll be back.

Sorry about the old ball and chain, pal. Say no more.

All right, here we are. I found a yellow truck, Uncle Phil.

Uncle Phil?

This is already a cute hat.

Not only is it a hat, you take the ears,

you wrap it around your throat, bang, you got a scarf.

Winter, winter in New York, coming soon, it's perfect. Not only that, could be a

hat. Could be a dog. Make an intruder think twice, see? Sure. Put it in a dark

room. Intruder comes in. He says, it's only a hat. Ooh, it's a dog.

Could be a dog, you know? Sure.

You could share. Sure, sure. That's a hat my daughter has to have. Your

will love this hat. Beautiful. I can't believe how much stuff you're giving

Ah, let a man be generous.

Let a man give to a child.

Well, it's just... It's just that you're giving so much. Well, it cost me

virtually nothing.

What are you talking about?

Coupons!

You got coupons for everything here? You see that hat? Yeah.

$30 in the store with these coupons?

What? I don't know. Seven cents.

I don't know. You know, because Jamie told me that if you use these, sometimes

you can get into trouble.

What's the trouble?

Well, she said trouble. You can get into trouble. Because look here. It says

violators. Violators.

Violators will be prosecuted.

Prosecutors. Prosecutors. Will you stop already?

Well, this is what they said. Look, you see the dotted lines, all the dotted

lines? You know why they put... It's not an eye test.

They put them there for you to cut them out. They want you to take them. All

right. They're hurt when you don't take them.

All right, I'm just wondering, it says only one per customer. You're only

supposed to have one per customer. One per customer, sure.

Well, I'm a customer. Right. You're a customer. Yes. I was a customer. You got

these from every relative? I get it from not only relatives, I get it from

neighbors, people in the building.

I'm very popular, I'll tell you.

If I would decide today to run for mayor, I'm telling you, I wouldn't lose

more than five votes.

Six. All right. So we'll use the coupons. I don't know. I always heard

up, they said there's no such thing as a free lunch. Yeah, free lunch.

All right. When you're right, you're right. Absolutely. I think we got more

anything a child could possibly use. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Ointments. We got ointments. Don't tell me a child couldn't use baby oil, a

little baby cream. Well, we have plenty of that.

Every child needs more baby cream than you think. The average 10 -pound child,

would say, is about eight pounds child, two pounds ointment creams and

amoluments.

Absolutely. Wouldn't we be foolish not to take them? No, let's take more. What

the hell?

All right. I think we're covered. We should load up. All right, we'll load it

up. You're going to have a shiny, smooth child.

Okay.

Can I help you? Yes. Absolutely.

We would like to redeem these coupons. Ready? We have some more coupons here.

We have just a few more here to redeem.

Thank you very much, Gary. And if we're not being too presumptuous, a little

more over here. And let's not forget that diligently saving gives us even

coupons, coupons, coupons, coupons. Excuse me. You're saying that all of

coupons are yours? Of course.

Really, all of these? Every one, every single one.

You want to redeem? I want to redeem them. Yes, I do.

I'll be right back. We'll be right back, and we'll be here waiting for you to

come right back here to redeem the coupons.

I gotta tell you, I had no idea you had this many coupons. We could get in

trouble for this. No trouble? You could be, because... Oh, please, you're such a

gloomy, doomy guy. No, this is America.

It's America.

I know, but... Think positive.

Paulie, listen to your uncle.

Beyond the blue horizon.

I see a new, I see a new, I see, I

see big trouble.

Ma,

we all have to go to court. Ma, look, it's just a preliminary hearing.

Yeah, it's a hearing.

I don't know.

I'm sure a pantsuit will be fine.

What school could turn down such an obviously artistic child? They'd be

have her. And don't cry.

Ma, Ma, don't cry.

Don't... Mom's crying.

Get these paints put away. Why don't you get her washed up for the interview?

Okay, somebody needs to get their feet washed.

Not too hot with the water, honey. I know.

What did you just say?

What? You just call her honey?

No.

but I didn't mean to.

All right, what is going on with you two?

Nothing. Nothing? Come on, you're using terms of endearment? You're going on

secret errands together?

I know what it is.

Are you guys getting married?

Is it that... Oh, is that it? Just tell me, because I don't want to hear about

it on the street.

You're embarrassing me, all right? Just tell me what the secret errand is. Come

on. Don't do this to me, okay? I promised her I would not tell you.

You promised her?

Yes. She said she promised you.

Oh, whatever it is. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

So this is not even your personal thing? It's her personal thing?

I don't even know what you're saying.

I can't believe your loyalty is to her over me. Hey, I didn't say that, Pauly.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Pauly. Come on.

I will never tell her that you told me.

You promise?

Yes.

Okay, so if I tell you, it's not like I broke my promise, right?

In a mind without shame, not at all.

Okay.

She's getting a tattoo.

She's what?

Yeah. Now, that's exactly why she didn't tell you, because she knew you could

not be supportive.

Why would I be supportive of something stupid like that?

What's the matter with getting a tattoo? Oh, it's just... Why? Why? Come on.

Hey, okay, first of all, it's unhealthy.

It's perfectly healthy. Well, all right, I don't like it. Why? Come on. And

also, she's defacing the God -given perfection that is her.

Well, that's a good one. Yeah, see?

But if I may, it is her body.

Okay, A, you may not.

All right?

And two, would you put a tattoo on a Mona Lisa, huh? Would you tattoo Venus

Milo? If they ask me to.

You don't mess with perfection, okay? All right, all right, all right. You

a point. Yes, I made a point, and I'm going to make it to Jamie.

Wait, no, wait.

I don't want James to know that I broke her confidence.

Well, you should have thought of that before you told me, pal.

Let me talk to her, all right?

When? In my own time. All right, what are you going to say? I'll say something

good.

All right, you better, because if not... What?

I'm not going to let you marry her.

Okay, here we go.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay.

What is it? Have you by any chance read this month's New England Journal of

Medicine?

This month, no.

There's an article on tattooing is all, and, you know, apparently in many cases,

festering takes place.

Festering? Yeah, I mean, the body, sometimes it rejects the ink.

Rejects the ink? Oh, for God's sake.

I'm just telling you what I read. I mean, one guy, he had to have it erased,

he was allergic to the eraser.

Oh, my God.

What? He got to you.

Who? Paul.

No. Yes, he did.

What? He got to you, and you told him about the tattoo.

No. And now you're his hatchet man.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to tell him.

Go home. Give me the baby. No, no, please wait. Go home. I don't need you.

James, if I may say, you know, in my opinion, you are perfect the way you

Don't start with that. You know, you two should go to couples counseling.

I wasn't going to say anything, James, but would you put a tattoo on Whistler's

mother?

James, you are like a masterpiece. You should not change that.

That's a very sweet thing to say.

Well, it's what I happen to feel.

Is that you talking or Paul?

It's me.

You swear?

Yes.

Why doesn't Paul ever say things like that?

I can only speak for myself.

On behalf of the Hanover School, congratulations.

We'd like to welcome Mabel to the fold. Thank you so much. Thank you very much.

Now just some other standard questions. Shoot.

Are you both U .S. citizens?

Both born and bred.

Very good. And you reside in New York City? Yes, we do.

One last question, and I hate to even have to ask this, but you've never been

convicted of a felony, have you?

No, we haven't.

When you say convicted...

I had her in the school. All right, I panicked, okay? I'm sorry. No one has

convicted of anything.

Okay. I never even used the coupons. Never. I just clipped them and sent him

fill as per his instructions.

What he did with them is not our business.

We should not be here today.

We're all in this together, okay? Yes, yes, but it's entirely his fault. Hey,

look, he's going down. He's taking us all down with him.

All right, the next case.

Docket number 4736.

The Colossal Food and Toy Company versus Philip Irwin Buckman. You can't...

What? I don't use the name Irwin anymore.

All right, then.

Philip Buckman. Better.

Counsel, what is the nature of your complaint?

Your Honor, we will prove beyond doubt that Philip Irwin Buckman... Hey, hey.

That Philip Buckman, along with his relatives who were willing

did knowingly seek to defraud the colossal food and toy company with the

unlawful hoarding and fraudulent redemption of price reduction coupons.

Buckman, how do you answer the charges?

The charges are answered in the following manner.

Response noted. Now, the coupons. Your Honor, he says coupons, I say coupons.

Let's call the whole thing off.

Counsel, you may proceed.

I'd like to call to the stand my first witness, Mr. Philip Buckman. Ah, just

when I was sitting down.

You know this is a travesty of justice, you know. Do you swear to tell the

truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God?

More than less.

Mr. Buckman, in order for you to have accumulated as many coupons as we've

confiscated, you personally, in the last six months, would have to have

consumed...

350 pounds of good and salty crackers.

Yes.

A thousand bottles of Dr.

Hersh's very cherry soft drink. Yes.

And purchased 380 pounds of pretty kitty cat food.

Yes.

Mr. Buckman, do you even own a cat?

You mean at the present time as we're talking to each other?

Yes. No.

Let's talk about the crackers.

All right, let's talk about a cracker.

You're a thin man.

I read labels.

Now, Mr.

Buckman, do you seriously mean to contend that you have eaten 320 ,000

salty crackers?

Your Honor, the man is assuming and presuming.

How does he know what I eat and what I don't eat?

This man is awash afloat in a sea of assumption and presumption. Mr. Buckman,

this court has never witnessed anything like this before. Witness? That's a good

idea. Witness.

Your Honor, I'd like to call my first witness the guy with the double

suit and the Ferragamo shoes.

Move in. Move in.

Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth,

help you God? I do. Your Honor, if it please the court. I think it will.

You call yourself a lawyer.

Do you? have any evidence?

Do you have one eyewitness that has seen me not eat 320

,000 crackers?

Did you have an eyewitness who saw me not drink 2 ,000 bottles of very cherry

pop delight?

Would you need, by the way, to wash down 320 ,000 crackers?

You work for a big fat company.

You're their puppet. You're the puppet for a fat company.

And you want to put me in prison? A simple, rather good -looking little old

Shame.

Shame.

Think. Think back when you were a law student, when you thought you could do

something, you could help people.

You thought about justice, humanity, and goodness.

And your parents, think about your parents, how they struggled to send you

law school. What did they do to send you to law school?

Well, they... They what?

They both worked very hard. Yes, they worked hard. And? And they borrowed

And they borrowed money.

And they cut corners wherever they could. Yes, they cut. What else did they

Nothing. What else did they cut to send you to Los Angeles? Nothing. They cut

nothing. What?

In a magic way.

Face dismissed.

Yay!

You want to see it?

No. I think you might like it.

Okay, let me see it.

It's just, you know, you're my wife. You're the mother of my child.

The face, the face, like a high school locker.

You know, I don't want to have to... Hey, look at that!

Do you like it?

Look at that!

It's a little heart. Yeah.

There's nothing wrong with a little heart. No.

In fact, you've got to have heart. Exactly.

I was going to put it on my arm, and then Ira thought maybe a more private

neighborhood. Oh, well, good for him. This is a nice neighborhood.

This is a whole new side of you. This is, you know, it's naughty, and yet at

same time, it's a little naughty.

Wow, you and I haven't visited this neighborhood in a long time.

Oh, good.

Where are you going?

What? What?

I'm still looking at the neighborhood. All right.

Well, take your time. No, it was very nice.

Tweety, at some point I was thinking of making my way into the kitchen.

Don't go to the kitchen.

Come here.

We'll go in the kitchen later.

And there goes the neighborhood.

Heaven, I'm in heaven, and my heart beats so that I can hardly speak.

And I seem to find the happiness I seek when we're out

together dancing cheek to cheek.

Heaven, I'm in heaven, and the cares that hung around me through the

week seem to vanish like ice. A gambler's lucky streak.

When we're out together, dancing cheek to cheek.