Original subtitles

Do I look like somebody's mother to you?

Yes.

No.

Yes and no.

Excuse me, won't you?

I do.

Tell me who can start my heart as much as you.

Let's take each other's hand and jump into the final frontier.

Final frontier.

Hi.

Does this look clean to you?

Uh -huh.

Because I was looking for the green one, but I couldn't... You didn't by any

chance get to the dry cleaners, did you?

Well, I was gonna, but then I gave birth.

Enough said.

Point made.

Gotcha. All right. What are you doing?

Writing a letter to Mabel.

She's right there. Just talk to her.

For her to read on her 18th birthday.

Really? She's gonna grow up so fast, and I wanted to know all the things I was

feeling her first few weeks.

Oh, that's so sweet. Let me know when you finish. I'll sign it, too.

Write your own letter.

What? This is private between me and Mabel. Oh, okay, okay, okay.

So, uh, what time do we have reservations tonight?

I told everybody seven, and don't be late, because then the restaurant gets

crowded and it's too noisy for the baby.

Oh, my God, she's really something, isn't she?

She really is.

She looks so wise and yet absolutely innocent at the same time.

She's like the flesh and blood expression of both our lives, but

with limitless possibility.

See, I was going to say, she's small.

All right, Mom, we'll redo this line. It'll be the best thing in the movie.

Here's what we're going to do. You'll watch the clip a couple of times. Yeah,

and then what?

And then we'll just do a pickup. We'll re -record the last part that was

out by the siren. You can do that? You can record just that part? Sure. Yeah,

and it won't interfere with the rest? No.

Huh, fancy.

Bert and I were in a hotel in Florida, and I stepped into the elevator, and

guess who's there?

Ingrid Bergman. And she says something, she says something I will never forget.

She says to me, six, please.

So, what happened? I pressed six.

I told you, it's not a story. It's the beginning of a story, and it just stops.

It has no point.

What? The point is, Ingrid Bergman can't push her own elevator button?

Do I really sound like that?

Well, you sound beautiful.

Really? You sound like Julie Andrews. Don't be fresh.

When did I sound like Julie Andrews? When I said elevator?

Exactly. I thought so.

All right, so that's all it is. Just practice the line a couple of times, get

comfortable, and then when you're ready, give me a signal and we'll do it, okay?

Yeah. Let me ask you a question. Yeah.

If you found out that your wife was writing a letter to your kid that you

not allowed to read, how would that make you feel?

Well, I think it was very sweet, and I'd married a terrific lady.

No, you know what I'm saying. Wouldn't it make you feel... You don't think it'd

make you feel excluded?

Or even... No, excluded. Wouldn't it make you feel excluded?

No, I would understand. In fact, it might inspire me to write my own letter.

You've really changed.

Oh, Mr. DeMille.

I'm ready for my pickup.

Okay, Ma, let's do it. Here's what happens. You're gonna hear three beeps,

then you talk on the fourth one.

Why do we need beeps?

Just so you can get ready.

I'm ready. I got up, I ate breakfast, I came. I don't need beeps. It's very

confusing. Well, that's the way they do it.

No wonder movies are so terrible.

Later you put a little bullet in my head, all right?

What?

The point is, Ingrid Bergman can't push her own elevator button.

Uh, good. You know what? Just try it again, and maybe just a little more

natural, more like yourself.

Here we go.

What? The point is, Ingrid Bergman can't push her own elevator button.

You know, again, just maybe even more like yourself. Just talk like you.

Here we go.

What? The point is, Ingrid Bergman can't push her own elevator button.

Perfect.

Now, let me ask you a question. The word bouillabaisse, are there really like 11

L's in the middle there?

What are you doing?

I'm writing my letter to Mabel.

Bouillabaisse?

Yes, bouillabaisse.

How do you spell paella?

That came so easy. No, no, no. You can't read that.

That's private. Okay, okay. Oh, desiccant.

I already know it's private. You don't have to bark at me. I understand if it's

something private.

I'm not the kind of person who tells something once and you have to say it

again.

Hey.

You are pathetic.

Wait a second. What is this?

Would you? If I ever denied you anything, I want you to know how much it

to do so. Though others, others, always seem to take the easy way out and say

yes. A mother sometimes has to say no. How could you say that? So, in other

words, the father's just incapable of saying no? All right, give me the

The father's just a big, mushy weakling, can't help himself?

Please, place the letter in my hand.

And I can't believe you talked behind my back to my daughter 18 years in

advance.

I am getting the baby, and we're going to dinner.

Besides, that's so not even true.

I can say no whenever I want to. I can say no as good as anybody.

Hi. You ready? No.

No. You heard me. No. We're ready. We're ready. We're ready.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. Look at her.

She looks like you. And like Paul. She looks like you and Paul.

Do we have everything?

Do you have a snuggly? No. You don't have a snuggly? All right. Take it easy.

Hey, no.

What? Just like that. No.

What is this?

Oh, James got me thinking. I realized I had some letters to write, too. Oh, no.

James, one for you, one for you, Joan, and one for you, Debbie.

Oh. And, of course, one for Mabel. Oh. Give me a kiss. Is this your favorite

letter -writing, Uncle?

Now, you can't read these letters until after I die.

Are you kidding me? Now you're writing letters? You have nothing to say to

people.

happens if we die first well if you're dying or if you have a premonition of

dying you can go ahead and read it what if you have just like a really throaty

cough come on let's go well it's important that you're really dying that

not going to recover because if you recover then i gotta write another

course if it's an unexpected death like getting hit by a bus or a flash flood

then i can't help you what

you doing writing a letter oh isn't that Sweet. Thank you. I was going to write

you one, too.

Oh, actually, it's to Ira.

He wrote me one to read when he's dead, so I feel like I want to write him one,

too. No, that's fine. I understand.

So what does it say?

Does it kind of private? I understand. Sometimes you have to keep things from

your soulmate.

Oh, listen.

Lying by omission in this way can be the backbone of a healthy relationship.

Listen.

Kidding. It's fine.

Good.

What does it say?

No,

no, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I know that you would show it to me if I really wanted to see it.

I know that there are no thoughts that you would not share with me.

Let me see it. No.

Dear Ira, just between you and me, now that I'm gone, it can't hurt to tell

Ira, that every once in a while...

I would look over at you and think to myself, gee, in another time, another

place, another life, you never know.

Are you kidding me?

Oh, please, please don't even waste your time being jealous. Oh, no, no, I'm not

jealous, no, no.

Flabbergasted at the scope of your taste, but jealous.

Here we go.

Dear Mabel, when did you get to be a beauty?

When did you grow to be so tall?

Wasn't it yesterday that you were small?

Could you help me with this?

And then could you do the hustle?

It's the only shirt I had. I'm going to the cleaners, I swear.

Listen, listen to her.

Excuse me.

Are you writing a second letter?

Uh -huh.

Just from the gurgling now?

Uh -huh.

Man, that is really rubbing my nose in it. Not only can't I get a letter going,

my failure seems to inspire you.

I couldn't resist.

I got you a Snuggly. Snuggly. Thank you.

I don't know if it'll fit, so try it on. How can it not fit? I don't know, but

read the directions. It's very important you read the directions. I don't have

to read the directions. These things are done by engineering students after

years of study. You don't put it on without reading the directions.

Honey, read the directions.

Okay, this is not right.

I told you to read the directions. If you were smart, you would read the

directions. Okay, could you sound more like Ma?

Here's a crazy idea.

How would you like to come down and record Mom's voice for like ten seconds

today? Really?

Yeah, because you do it great, and if I gotta go through it with her again, I'm

gonna end up crying in a pile of my own dirt. All right.

Bless you.

Hey. Hey.

How's it going?

Well, if it isn't Mr.

Love.

I'm sorry?

Nothing. Forget it.

Forget it? Forget Mr.

Love? No, you shouldn't have said that.

About what? Stop it. Joan's gonna kill me.

Joan. Oh, jeez.

Come on, Debbie. You got to tell me. Mr. Love is begging you. All right, but you

forget this the instant you hear it. I forgot already.

All right.

Last night, Joan admitted to me that sometimes she fantasizes.

Sometimes she fantasizes sleeping.

Sleeping? She fantasizes of sleeping? Sleeping with eyes.

Joan? Joan, you mean, for all intents and purposes, your wife, Joan?

You'll date this to your grave, Ira. Absolutely, I will. Thank you. Wow.

Anyway, listen, it'll take ten minutes. Just come down. You know, what do you

think would be the best time? Me and Mrs.

Joan.

We got a thing going on.

We both know that it's wrong.

You see where you started with the letters?

I wonder what kind of fantasy Joan has about me.

You know, is it slow and sexy, like nine and a half weeks with the ice cubes?

Or is it sweet, like Lady and the Tramp with the spaghetti?

Have you not had relations in like 18 years?

When you wear a shirt like that, you're not allowed to make fun of anybody.

Now let me tell you something, Eustace, okay?

A lot of ladies have said a lot of things about me.

But nobody from the other camp has ever admitted to having a fantasy about me.

Now that... That is truly, truly sexy.

All right, here we go. Now we're ready.

Dear... Mabel.

Are you going to eat that or are you going to marry it?

I happen to love it.

All right, now I've got to go get me something to eat.

All right, give me a minute. You want a sandwich or something? Uh, sure.

Hey, Ira.

Hi, Deb.

I don't listen.

Before we begin, I just want to say that I hope there's no hard feelings over

this whole Joan thing. Oh, don't be silly. What, am I going here? No, no,

wait a minute. Debbie, we're family. We can work this through. Ira, it's

nothing. I've got about three minutes to do this.

You want to just sit down here? Yeah, thanks.

Good. Look, remember...

Remember that I'm saying this to you as someone who loves you. This is really

cool. What are we talking to here? Come on, we can hide behind nervous talk, but

why don't we just face the truth, huh?

I mean, you and I, we do have a great deal in common, not the least of which

the affections of a certain lovely, lanky OBGYN by the name of Joan. I know,

know this is difficult for you, I do, but believe me, none of this was

intentional on my part. I mean, you have to understand, with me, sometimes...

Sometimes chicks, they do nutty stuff.

And it is my fondest hope, Debbie, my fondest hope that somehow this whole

will bring us closer together.

Okay, Ira.

Okay, good.

It is like the single greatest thing I ever heard from a chick.

on an ego trip of mythic proportions.

I've got to go talk to him. I've got to go talk to him. How am I ever going to

look him in the eye again?

I don't know, but I can tell you this. It'll be winking at you.

What? The point is, Ingrid Bergman can't push her own elevator button?

What? The point is, Ingrid Bergman can't push her own elevator button?

Is Ingrid Bergman can't push her own elevator button?

Perfect.

Great.

Sadly, you and I can never have sex again, but that was perfect.

Nice job, you.

I mean, on the one hand, Joan is a woman who likes me. On the other hand, she is

a lesbian who lives with my cousin.

Is she serious?

Just ignore him. He'll tuck her himself out. Hey, Joan wants me, and who am I to

play God? Maybe I should make myself available to her.

Ira? Yeah.

No, no, no.

Do you understand me? No.

Banish the thought from your mind.

Okay. First of all, you have no shot.

Yes, I do. No, you don't.

No.

And second of all, even if you did, no.

Okay, fine. No, no, no. Ira, no.

No.

Hi,

Joan.

So, so you heard about my letter.

Yeah, yeah.

It's okay, you know.

I've kind of always known.

Well, you know, you weren't supposed to read about it until after I was dead,

you know. I know.

So, I mean, we both know the difference between something serious and just a

harmless little flirtation. Of course.

Okay. I just wanted to make sure. I just don't want there to be any weirdness

between them. Hey, not a drop.

Okay. Good.

Stop. We're called.

Joan, don't be silly.

Joan, we're both mature individuals. We're practically related, for God's

I mean, for all of us, there's a line that, you know, you just, you really

shouldn't, uh, you shouldn't cross. Oh, my God. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

So we're cool?

Remember, this is from Daddy, okay? This is not from Mommy and Daddy. This is...

Just from Daddy.

What's that?

That's my letter to Mabel.

Did you do that?

At work, after you left.

Pretty heavy letter.

Uh -huh.

Can I see it?

Uh, no.

I'm saying no like a trooper now, huh?

Here,

you know what? I got it, sweetie, I got it.

Ready to go.

Bye. Where are you going?

We're going to go to the bank, put this in the safe deposit box.

Oh, don't go to the bank. It's such a nice day out. I'm going tomorrow anyway.

Okay, good.

And you know what?

I'm going to go outside and parade my daughter's dangling legs to the general

public. Have fun.

All right. See you.

Remember, be very careful not to kick because if Daddy doubles over, nobody

wins.

Happy birthday, Mabel.

You're 18 now, and I know what you're thinking.

I was pretty cute with hair.

Well, though you're watching this in the year 2000 and something, as I speak to

you today, you are still very small. You are truly like a little... You're very

small. And so I wanted to give you an overview of all the things that we will

doing together, you and I. So I made this film for you, and I just put it

together, you know.

Like that.

Which, by the way, is something I don't think your mother can do.

This is Yankee Stadium, where you won't believe how green it is there.

This is Broadway, where we'll be going to the theater, you and I.

Not the one with the three X's on it. The other one.

This is the Manhattan Bridge, just as nice as the Brooklyn Bridge, but without

the crowds.

These are the tulips on Park Avenue.

Look how I look the same in every shot.

This, I think, is my thumb.

As I said, I did this very fast.

This is a restaurant that I'm hoping to God will be open in 18 years because

they make a lamb sandwich, crusty on the outside, juicy on the inside. Believe

me, you were going to think, this is the river. You know Manhattan's an island,

right?

We'll get us some duck, get hung fats.

Then while we're in the neighborhood, get a couple of cannolis.

And then to top it off, a couple of laps around the lake.

So as you can see, by the time you're 18, you are going to think I am just

swell.

But the best present that I could ever give you is right here.

This nice lady.

I discovered her, I conned her into marrying me, and subsequently made her

mom. And I'm sure that for your 18th birthday you were thinking you were

to get one of those flying cars all the kids are driving.

But today, like every day, I'm giving you the best gift that I could possibly

think of.

Your mom.

And to your mom, who I'm sure put this tape into the machine six seconds after

walked out the door, I'm going to have to stop and pick up the shirts because I

can't live like this.

to the machine six seconds after I walked out the door.

I'm going to stop and pick up the shirts because I can't live like this.

I'll see you later.

So in other words, letters and videotapes are my birthday present, but

car, not so much.

All right.