Original subtitles

Okay, where do these go?

Put those on the coffee table next to the crib catalog.

Next to the crib catalog, which I notice is open to a particular page.

Your mother likes carrots. I'm hoping she'll take one, see the crib catalog,

me why I have it. I'll mention that I happen to like that particular one,

go out and get it for us.

So that's your plan? Carrot crib, carrot crib?

She said she wanted to get us a crib, it may as well be one we like.

You like this one? Yep.

Really? We don't find it a little pretentious?

No.

Are we sure?

We're positive. We love it. We think it's very elegant.

It's for a baby. They don't care about elegance. They walk around with poop in

their pants.

Thank you very much. Please open the wine. All right.

Well, why are we doing this? There are so many other things we could be doing

tonight. I'm looking forward to it, both of our parents here together.

Why? You know, they've gotten together three times since we're married. They'll

get together maybe three more times in our life, and then we can all go home.

I want us to have a close family. Don't you want that?

No, that's exactly the kind of thing I'm against.

Ma, hi.

Hello to you.

Oh, there's my little grandchild.

Hello, Sylvia.

Oh, hi. Hello.

The guy on the street was closing up and he sold me his whole stock for three

dollars. Oh, we have a little surprise for you. Not so little.

Boys.

Oh, look at this. Honey, a crib.

I decided to go ahead and get one.

Great. Isn't it adorable?

We wanted to give it to you before the shower so we wouldn't show anyone up.

Wow, it's so beautiful.

And the funny thing is, we were just talking about what kind of crib should

get, so now we don't have to worry about that.

No, we don't.

Carrots.

That's probably my mom.

Maybe the word is on the street that we got everybody's pretzels.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi, Mom.

Mom,

you remember Bird and Sylvia?

What's this?

They just brought it for us. Isn't it beautiful?

It's darling.

Darling. It's just very darling.

Thank you. And it's so thoughtful.

It's a very darling.

It's thoughtful. It's a thoughtful and darling gift.

Mommy, all right? Oh, sure.

Excuse me.

When's dinner?

Mom, what was all that about?

Oh, nothing.

I just thought maybe I'd left my umbrella out in the hall.

Your umbrella?

Yeah. It's not raining.

Well, I know, but they said it might.

Who?

The news.

Which channel?

Four. Four said sun.

Six. Six is in Spanish.

Well, don't be silly. I mean, why else would I go out into the hall?

I'll get it.

Lady, we've got to deliver this.

What's this?

It's a crib that I bought for Jamie and Paul.

Cribs? Oh, no.

We go to dinner, we generally bring wine.

I'm sorry.

I didn't know you'd already have one. Don't be. It's beautiful. Isn't it?

Isn't it? I saw it. I saw it when I was antiquing, and I just fell in love with

it. It's very attractive, isn't it, Ver?

Sure.

And, of course, Sylvia, yours is also beautiful. They're just both beautiful,

generous gifts, and I have absolutely no idea what to do here. What's the

problem? Just send one of them back.

Good idea. Yeah.

Absolutely. I agree. I guess so.

Which one?

It's all a matter of which way you want to go.

What way is ours?

Yours?

It's fun.

It is fun. It's playful.

That's what yours is.

Actually, I think maybe that might be the best way to go, because before long

this place will be filled up with toys, so there would be no point in having

anything nice.

Like yours.

Well, mine is an antique.

And do we know anything about the baby who had it first?

Hey, you know what? How about some wine?

I ate six pretzels.

Hey, boss, where do you want the airwalks?

Store room, top shelf.

How you doing there, Marvin?

Okay. Yeah? Hey, Star Wars, huh? You like Star Wars, do you?

Sure. No, because I like it, too. Uh -huh. You know, except for that new

they added. I'm not so crazy about that. That Jabba the Hutt scene. You know, to

me, it was a little redundant and self -indulgent.

It's only a movie.

No, I just meant, you know, I just... He's still mad at me, isn't he?

Marvin? Yeah.

Why? I don't get it. Okay, yes, I called him a sissy, but then I apologized.

He should like me now.

Well, do you like him?

The hell's the difference? The point is...

I want him to like me.

Call me crazy. I don't care. You're crazy. I don't care.

Look, everything's put away. It's dead out there. You mind if we play a few

hands? No, let's play. Beautiful.

Playing a little poker, are you?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You know, I was in a game for a while. Is that right?

Yeah.

I broke up, but I missed that game.

Uh -huh. Yeah, and I've been thinking I should get myself into a new game.

Holly, would you like to join us?

Sure. Oh, you know, if it's okay with Marvin?

Sure. They're not special Star Wars cards or anything.

Oh, my God.

No, I am hot.

I am in the zone. I am in the hot zone.

Hey, boss, can I borrow another 20? Hey, hey, Marvin, Marvin, I got you again. I

got you. Here you go.

All right.

Three and three more.

Oh, what are you, raising me? What the hell have you got there?

you got three aces although

not quite as nice as a full house but

marvin you played very well you came in second you gotta feel good about that

steal me in the next hand i think i'm gonna step out after this one you're not

going anywhere

I'm a little confused.

I thought you wanted him to like you. I do.

Well, it's working like a charm.

What do you want me to do? I got good cards. You know, he's totally broke.

Well, why wouldn't somebody tell me this?

What do we care if you and Marvin are friends?

Marvin, Marvin, can I talk to you for a second?

Excuse me, excuse me.

Hey, Marv.

When I took all your money, I didn't know that you were hurting. Listen,

just say we were playing for fun. We weren't playing for fun.

This isn't the face of a man who was playing for fun.

Not really, no?

No, we were playing for money.

And don't worry, I'm going to pay that 60 bucks back that I owe you. That's no

problem. I'm not going to forget about it.

Boy,

you never mention his financial problems, all right? It humiliates him.

becomes furious.

Could you tell me these things maybe before I do them?

Come here. Look what I got. This is the perfect solution.

See, we tell our mothers that we went with a playpen instead of a crib, and

way neither of them will feel slighted. Both of them will feel slighted.

It's not a foolproof plan.

But look at this. Look at this baby. It's soft and bouncy.

At least the baby won't have to worry about mosquitoes.

What's the matter? You bought an ugly crib.

Seriously. My mother called.

Thank you. She said she's not sure if she can make it to the baby shower. Then

she immediately asked me if Sylvia was going to be there.

Well, you know, my mother ain't crazy about her either.

What are we going to do with those two?

Keep them apart.

Do you want your child to grow up and never see his two grandmothers in the

room?

Next to raising him in a democracy, that's the greatest gift I could give

I have one idea.

What? Quilting.

Just sew our moms together?

When I was right out of college, I got these two kittens, and they hated each

other, no matter what I did.

I asked the vet what I should do about it, and he said I should smear them both

with tuna fish oil and then lock them in the shower stall together.

I did. And when I went in to check on them, they were all cuddled up in an

adorable little ball licking each other, and they were friends ever since.

All right, let me just say right now, If you smear our mothers with tuna fish,

they will be very angry.

I'm over here tomorrow to teach me how to quilt.

So... I'm the tuna, get it?

Well, all right. There is an outside chance that you could get licked to

by both our mothers.

Where do you want to go?

Oh, far away from here.

Just put it with the others.

What? What is this?

You bought a playpen, I bought this.

All right, so maybe the baby will show up with friends.

Marvin, hey, hey, what are you doing here?

I came to pay you back some of what I owe.

You know, that's totally not necessary.

Really, it would make me feel much better.

Okay, sure, come on in. But, you know, Marvin, listen, only what you can

absolutely afford.

I can't afford anything.

All right.

Would you like a receipt?

I thought I would work it off doing small household chores.

Well, I think I would feel kind of awkward with that.

Maybe you're right.

So, it's back to the blood bank.

No, no, no, no. Yeah, yeah, I guess, yeah, sure. You could do some chores,

Okay.

What?

I don't know.

I could stack your cribs.

You know, um, you know what, maybe just straighten up a little bit and then

we'll call it even. No, no, no, no.

Straightening up is five dollars.

I didn't know you had a whole price list and everything.

Hi, Marvin.

Hi, Mrs. Buckman.

Why are you cleaning? He wants to.

So this is it with quilting? This is the whole plan is in motion? I'll be here

any minute. You want to keep the sharper image catalog?

Yeah, actually. You'll never order from it.

Fine.

I want to leave them alone together, so what I need you to do is call me from

work.

Okay, I wasn't planning to go in today. Yes, you were. Oh, so I call you, tell

you to come down, you have to leave then.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi, honey. Hi, Polly. Hi.

Hello. Hi.

This is Marvin.

Hi. Can I take your coat?

Thank you.

$2 .50.

What's this?

A mistake. It's going back.

I should hope so.

Oh, look at this. My little girl's got a quilting basket.

It's actually mine, but you girls go ahead.

I can't wait to show you my secrets.

You know what? Could we wait just a few minutes? Why?

Someone else is coming.

Sylvia? Oh, it's wonderful.

Really? You don't mind?

No, I don't mind.

I have to go.

No, no, no, Mom.

Please don't. No, I really have to. Why?

A friend in the hospital.

She's very sick.

Which friend?

Joyce.

Joyce? Starbucks.

She's in the hospital for...

Allergies.

Which hospital?

The one uptown.

St. John's? Yes. Downtown. They moved it?

Mom, will you just give Sylvia a chance? I think you'd really like her. All

right. All right. I'll stay if it'll make you happy, but just for a few

Thank you so much.

Can I freshen your coffee?

How much? Two bucks. Go ahead.

Hi, Paul.

Hiya, Mama. Look who's here.

I have to go.

No, come on, come on. I'd like to stay, but I have to get dinner started.

It's only 11 o 'clock.

I'm making a very special roast. It takes three hours of preparation. It

two hours to marinate, 90 minutes for cooking, and a half an hour to sit.

What are you making, a bison?

Sylvia, I wanted you to show me that wonderful stitch you did on the table

runner.

The flower curl? It's so beautiful.

All right, but I can only stay a few minutes.

Marvin?

Marvin?

Marvin, listen, I'm going to go to the office, so you want to come with me?

For a $10 escort fee.

Deal.

I'll be right there.

Paul forgot his bag, so I have to run down and bring it to him.

We'll go with you. No, no, no. Stay.

Wilt, maybe even talk.

My children.

Come to papa.

Hey, Marvin, you are making a killing there today. Hey, Paul, man, I'm so

I was so cold to you the other day after the game, but I got a lot of issues

with money.

Please, come on. I feel I deserve more than I have.

So when people who have money take it away from me, I resent them.

Well, you're certainly articulate about that. Yeah, well, I've been seeing a

therapist, and he's been a huge help.

Really? It's funny, because your therapist needs somebody who has money,

takes your money.

Well, there goes that.

No, I didn't mean to imply it.

Hey, guys.

Hi. This is what you do with your days?

No, no, we have Scrabble, too.

You want to play Mrs. Buckman? The table could always use a lovely lady.

Hey, poker, huh?

You know, maybe we should just go get a cup of coffee somewhere.

It sounds like fun.

See? She wants to play.

Okay, but Marvin, see, the thing that you... Paul, I think I can handle

Okay.

Games. Five -card stud. High -low. Trips are better to win. Let's see what we

got. Jake, Trey, Bullet, and a bitch.

He forgot his bag.

What? Are we amateurs? Yes.

I wonder why she thinks we don't like each other. I really have no idea.

I mean, we are very different women. Different background.

Yeah, different way of doing things. Certainly different taste.

Yeah.

In a million years, I wouldn't have chosen a crib like that.

You got a picture of me buying that one?

Yeah, yours is so gothic.

Gothic. Well,

yes, maybe so.

Much in the same way that yours is slightly garish.

Garish? Mine is not garish.

Oh, well, then I guess neither is Las Vegas. Would you please look at yours?

What about mine? Mine happens to be very inviting.

Sure, if you're Rosemary's baby.

Excuse me, but I don't think they're planning on raising a baby clown.

I suppose you think that your crib is much better than my crib.

No, no. I just think that your crib is threatened by my crib because it has

taste. Your crib does not have taste. Your crib is an uptight, passive

-aggressive little priss.

Well, your crib is a loud, overbearing fishwife.

You dare?

Boy,

Marvin sure got surly all of a sudden.

Yeah, he can be a moody guy.

So I won a little money.

Sweetie, you won $300.

Wasn't the guy at the table didn't want you dead?

It's not my fault they don't know how to bluff.

Why is it so quiet in there?

What happened here?

The other Cribs got together and voted this guy?

Hello, when did you two get here?

Just now.

What do you think?

We bought it together. We picked it out. Your mother has a very sharp eye.

Well, let me tell you, your mother is some wheeler -dealer.

Well, I do know the value of a dollar.

Are you hungry?

Yeah, we made tuna sandwiches.

You got a little spot right there. You got a little thing there. You did

all this together?

Yeah. What? I mean, we're family.

Yeah, I know, but come on, you guys... All right, all right. There were a few

differences. We ironed them out. Okay, next case. I mean, after all, we are

going to be thrown together a lot for the next 45, 50 years. Oh.

Oh,

my God. This is just wonderful.

Would you please look at the hour?

Oh, God.

We were having such fun. I forgot all about the time.

Well, now, you kids enjoy the crib.

I saw a better crib. I'll get it for you later.

I had to get that one just to shut her up.

Bye -bye.

Sweetheart, see you later. Bye, guys.

Well, that was pretty nice, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Your mother say anything to you?

No. Why? Yours?

No, nothing.

Okay, so good. Yeah. Okay.

Ten high.

Flush to the queen.

Full boat.

Sevens and deuces.

Sorry, boys.

Straight plus.