Original subtitles

Hey, where are you going? I'm going to return the video you rented two weeks

ago. I'm going to watch that. You're so not going to watch this. As soon as I

have time. You will never have time. I will.

Meryl Streep comes back and tells Dustin Hoffman he can keep the kid.

I love you like I do. Tell me who can start my heart as much as you.

Let's take each other's hand and jump into the final frontier.

All right, let's review.

Effacement is?

Thinning of the cervix.

Good. And lightening is? When the fetus descends into the pelvic cavity.

Very good.

And the fundus is... And the fundus

is... That's the funnest fun anybody could have.

I don't know.

What a surprise.

We know what it is. It's the part of the uterus that's the farthest away from

the cervix.

Very good. Very good.

All right, that counts. We're together.

All right, is there anybody here who still hasn't done their dry run yet?

The dry run, the packing the bag, the picking the route,

it might all seem mundane, but I can assure you it is crucial to a smooth,

successful delivery.

I thought I had made that clear.

Oh, yeah.

I remember many times.

All right, then I guess that's it.

Thank you, everybody.

Class dismissed.

See you next week.

Except for you two.

Hi.

You know, you guys wouldn't even be in this class if it weren't for Jo. I know.

She's a wonderful doctor. We love Jo. Have you been doing your dromedary,

Have you even done your tailor stretches?

The stretches with the... You tried.

We found they kind of snap right back in.

Have you even watched the birthing video?

I took it out and I think the phone rang and I didn't actually get no... And

obviously you haven't done the dry run. Okay.

We can explain. We can explain. Look, I have a waiting list of over 100 couples.

I have couples on this list who have already had their babies and still want

take the class. I know.

I know. Now, most people want to succeed at birth. We do. We really do. We want

to be a big hit at birth.

All right. Because of my relationship with Joan and because of my respect for

her, and only because of that, I'll give you one more chance. Tomorrow night.

But you must watch the birthing video.

We will. We will.

And do the dry run. Yes, we'll do it. We'll do that. All right. I'll meet you

the hospital tomorrow at 7 .30.

You will pre -register. Then I will take you on the tour.

Now, if you're not there by 7 .30, don't bother coming back to class. We will

see you tomorrow night, 7 .30 -ish.

No -ish.

Paulie, are these all the release forms?

Yeah, it should be.

Then where's your mother's and where's your father's?

Huh? They're not in there?

No.

All right, just give me a second. I'm almost done with this.

The first night Jamie met our parents, needless to say, was a little

intimidating. She ate like a horse.

I remember after dinner, we were going to have some ice cream, and Jamie

to go in the kitchen and get it. She was always very polite and helpful.

At this time, Ma had this spoon.

cockamamie spoon. It was a JFK commemorative spoon. It was a

silver. It was a piece of crap.

After Paul and Jamie left that night, Ma noticed that the spoon was gone.

She seemed nice enough, but, you know, I didn't know her. Well, Ma immediately

assumed that Jamie had stolen the spoon.

Ma never confronted Jamie. She never mentioned it to her. Mentioned it to

everybody else over and over again, but never to Jamie.

Anyway, it's water under the bridge.

Ma has never forgiven her.

And to this day, of course, no one has ever proven that Jamie actually stole

spoon. However, between you and me, I'm positive that she did.

This is great. This is like...

It's like the story of the Buckman women, you know, each with their own

of the truth, and who knows what the truth is. I think this is like one of

best sequences in the whole film. Bobby, release forms, okay? Release forms.

Okay, now, did you look everywhere?

Yes. I can't believe it. I thought you said that you had them all. I thought I

did, too. Frankly, I'm a little taken aback.

Without the release forms, we cannot release the film.

We've got to have everybody's permission, legally.

Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Let's just relax.

It is your mother and your father we're talking about, right? Let's not

anticipate a problem.

Hello, it's only me. Hey, Deb.

Don't get up. Hey, Deb, do you have any idea if Mom and Dad ever got those

release forms?

Yes.

And? Mom's not signing hers.

Why not?

Something about the spoon story.

The spoon story?

What's the problem with the spoon story? That's one of the best things we have.

I was just working on that. I don't know. All I can tell you is Mom's not

Oh, this is not good.

Paula, we've got to get her to sign those forms.

The spoon story is brilliant.

Except that Ma says...

Jamie stole the spoon, and Jamie always said she didn't, so it's Ma's word

against Jamie's.

Well, Jamie didn't steal the spoon. Everybody knows that.

Of course she did. Everybody knows that.

She did not.

Oh, Pauly, come on. Hey, I don't even care. All I want to do is get the

form signed. You know, and frankly, you know, I do admire you for sticking up

for her.

I'm not. I'm not sticking up for anything. She didn't steal a thing.

Come on.

It was a classic.

James comes to the house the first time and boom, rip off.

She didn't rip off a spoon. What is she, a nut? It was thrown away or lost or

something. All right, good. Look, the point is we got to get your mother's

signature. All right, well, I have an idea. What?

You know how to forge mom's signature. What?

What is the matter with her? I've told her 4 ,000 times. I bent the spoon in

ice cream and I threw it out. I know, I know, I understand. All right, here we

go. Walkman.

Yes? Tapes, depending on what type of birth. You got Vivaldi, Sinatra, Kyle

Lovett, R .E .M., and garbage.

That's a band.

Okay, stopwatch.

Stopwatch? A picture of your cousin Ernie as a child. Cousin Ernie?

And now why your cousin Ernie's a child? Because he's so cute.

Okay.

Let's draw this in there.

What is this?

It's a book.

What are you doing?

What? What are you bringing this for?

To read.

You're not going to be sitting in a chaise lounge getting a tan. This is a

vacation -wrapping baby.

I thought I would have some downtime.

At the birth of your child?

I don't know, no.

No. Okay, all right.

It's supposed to be Amy at the hospital in an hour. We're already in trouble and

we haven't watched the video.

We'll be fine. Don't worry about the video. We're not in trouble. Come on.

packing a bag that we're not even going to use for six weeks. Here we go.

Disposable camera.

This is the kind that takes those panoramic pictures.

So I stand far away.

What did she think? I would steal a cheap little spoon.

I don't know. If my mother doesn't sign those release forms, I'm dead. I'm just

dead in the water.

Who is that for?

Do you understand what actually is going to happen here?

To the baby. That's exactly right. Get the baby, put the thing on the baby. I

know. Okay.

All right.

This is so stupid with my mother because she's, I mean, like, you're really

going to steal a spoon from her house, you know, because you love spoons that

much and you need a spoon.

And if you did steal a spoon, then you're going to keep that a secret from

for five years? Yeah, that makes a lot of sense.

It's absurd, you know?

Sweetie.

Honey? Sweetie. Oh, no.

No.

You can't lie.

I can lie to other people. I can't lie to you.

After five years.

Wow.

I'm sorry.

Your first time in my parents' house and this is what you do? You steal?

It was a long time ago. Who knew we'd still be together?

Sylvia has been walking around all this time thinking I did it.

Honey, you did do it.

You have to promise me, swear to me you will never tell your mother.

Well, you would like that, wouldn't you? No, no, not to swear. I would die of

embarrassment. Well, look who's holding all the cards now. I'm carrying your

child. Okay.

Roosevelt Hospital, please.

Roosevelt Island?

No, hospital.

Uh -huh. Okay.

Roosevelt Island Hospital.

No, Roosevelt Hospital.

Here we go.

Yes, there you go.

Roosevelt Hospital. No island.

Island? Long Island?

I must call it in. No, no, it's no. I'm saying no island.

Forget I said that. It's Roosevelt.

It's Roosevelt Hospital.

It's not Roosevelt Island. You see? Not Roosevelt Island Hospital.

Just regular playing in Roosevelt Hospital.

Why is he going this way?

What way?

This way?

Can't you get to Roseville Hospital this way? No.

Excuse me.

Yes? See, my wife is pregnant.

Are you pregnant?

No, no, no, no, no.

This is just a dry run. Oh, good luck.

What dry run?

It's a dry run. A dry run. Where?

Where is dry run? I don't know dry run.

Where is it?

No, a dry run.

This is the drive -by. This is the drive -by.

I'm getting out. Good

morning, Amy.

Hi. Hey, Amy.

Hi. Hi, Amy.

I don't think so.

Yeah, Joan.

Yeah. See, what happened was... We're just going to talk to Amy. If you could

talk to Amy for us, it would be great. Just tell her we're very sorry.

Maybe just tell her that we're sorry.

Tell her we're very sorry. Sorry, sorry we put her in such an awkward position.

We're sorry that we put her in such an awkward position, and if she's in that

position... If it helps, you know, you could tell her that it was Paul's fault.

No, don't. No, no, no, not exactly.

Listen, if you could ask her... Because Amy, she's a fanatic. We found that Amy

was... She's a fanatic.

Do you want to do this?

Joan, hi.

How's tricks?

Okay, here's Jamie.

Hi. Yeah.

Thank you so much.

Okay. Bye -bye.

Because you get on the phone with her. You know how you are. Uh -huh.

She's going to call Amy and try to get us back in the class.

Oh, goody.

Hey, how's it going? Is the tea almost ready?

Uh, just a second, yeah.

Hey, James, don't forget to put out the spoons, you know, to stir with.

Don't worry, I won't.

I mean, I'll get the spoons for you. I'd be happy to. You know what? You just

take this and go inside, all right? All right.

Okay, he's not on to anything. He's not going to be on to anything because

you're not going to tell him you swore.

I don't know that I swore, per se. All right, sorry.

Is everything all right?

Basically. Basically, what does that mean?

Everything's fine.

Well, what kind of tea is this?

Herbal. Herbal? Don't you have any Lipton?

The kids don't drink the Lipton.

The bag doesn't even have a string on it. So don't drink it.

All right, everybody, move on.

As producer of this film, it is my responsibility to secure the release

all right? Now, ask Sylvia, what can I do to make it more comfortable for you

sign yours?

It's a very simple problem. Either you cut the sequence... I'm not going to do

that. Or, forgive me, you get Jamie to admit the truth that she stole the

That's a fine idea, Sylvia, except for one thing. I didn't steal the spoon.

Right, yeah.

But you're saying if she did admit it, then...

and then you would sign the release.

Really? I'm just trying to understand.

Honey, there's nothing to understand.

It's not an option, because the point is I didn't steal it.

No, I... Okay, there you go.

Listen, I saw you admire the spoon furtively, and then, poof, it was gone.

I don't blame you, because it is a gorgeous utensil. Yes.

Yes, it was, but I didn't steal it.

Well, it didn't walk away by itself.

How do you know that?

James, if you didn't steal it, who did?

Maybe you did.

I did not. I told you, let it sit.

I always say, let the ice cream sit.

It softens up.

He has always said that. I tried to scoop a little bit out with a spoon. It

and I threw it away.

My God.

You believe her, Paulie?

Yes, of course he does, honey.

Are you detecting her, Paulie?

He's not, sweetie.

Sweetie, honey.

Do you want these release forms signed or don't you? You know, I never liked

that spoon anyway. It was like some baby spoon.

All right. You know, Jamie would not steal because stealing is bad.

Look, I will not sign the release form unless Jamie admits she stole the spoon.

I didn't. Or you cut the sequence.

Well, that's not, no, not that. Well, that's extortion.

That's your word, not mine.

You know, that reminds me. That footage I saw when I'm talking.

Yeah, it's very good. I look like hell. You know, Paulie, I'm not a vain man,

but I don't want to look like a wolf man.

He looked awful.

This is a way to light your father?

I want you to do it again.

You want me to reshoot? Yeah, yeah, reshoot.

I'm not going to reshoot.

Then I'm not going to sign the release form either.

What are you talking about?

I didn't even know I had the option not to sign.

Now that I know, I'm not standing it either. Look, Paulie, I don't want

to think that your father's some kind of a freak.

Yeah, no, nobody's going to think that. I don't think that. Where are you going?

I'm going to go get some real tea bags.

Your father is very upset.

I... What the... What?

Nothing. Nothing.

Just thinking about that spoon, that's all.

All right, Ira, James, please.

Would you just tell me the truth? I mean, I don't care if you stole the

really don't. I just care about the movie.

You want to hear the truth?

Yes. I did not steal the spoon.

Liar. Bite me. Hey, hey, all right.

Both of you, I will turn this car around.

Oh, come on, James.

She's the only one who has the motive, the means, and the opportunity.

Listen to you, you're nuts.

I may be nuts, but I'll tell you this. In order to sign those release forms, I

have got to get to the bottom of this. And if I have to take James down in the

process, well, that's what I'm going to have to do, all right?

It's a spoon.

How sweet is this?

Look, look how tightly she's holding his hand.

See, she's doing the breathing.

What is this cheesy music?

Like porno movies.

I like it. It's happy.

His father's pants with the flares.

Like 1971, this movie.

So what? They're about to have a baby.

Look, look, she's pushing.

I shouldn't watch this.

Of course you should, honey. This is us. This is the... My goodness, they just

show you everything, don't they?

What is that?

That's the crowning. This is when the baby's head finally... Whoa.

Oh. Holy mother of God!

We're making great time. We sure are.

Yeah, what's Amy going to say now?

I'll say something, I'm sure.

Belina, this drive -run, it's a piece of cake.

We're going to be just fine.

Stop! Police!

Out of the cab! Out of the cab!

What? I need this vehicle, let's go!

I'm engaged in a high -speed pursuit. Let's go, let's go, man!

You, you, out of the car, now! Could you drop us in Roseville Hospital?

Boy,

I gotta tell you, the chance of this happening in an actual labor, very

Ow! Ow!

Riley Coyote.

Sweetie, are you okay?

I've been better.

Come on, we have to get you to the hospital. I'm going to get a cab. No,

could get hit by a boat.

Right here, taxi.

Sweetie, get in here. Okay, all right, okay.

Roosevelt Hospital, please.

Roosevelt Island?

All right, Mr. Beckman, I'm going to have to wrap your foot.

Might hurt a little bit. Okay.

Okay.

Don't you think I should be knocked out for this?

It's just a small bruise, Mr. Beckman.

I know, but still.

Now, does this hurt? Yes, yes, yes.

I need something. Honey, I'm right here.

It hurts. I know it does.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. I know.

Ow, ow. Almost done, Mr. Beckman. Breathe, breathe, breathe.

That's it. You're doing good. You're doing good. You're doing good.

There you go, Mr. Berkman. All done.

Okay, I just made a very big decision.

Next time I go through this, I'm getting the epidural.

Here I was, a guest in your house, meeting you all for the first

time, and I commit the unconscionable act.

You must have felt very violated.

And I know that...

We've had a rocky relationship at times, but that's no excuse for what I did. I

apologize profusely, and I hope that someday I'll be able to win back your

trust.

What? It's a spoon.

That's what I said the whole time.

I got it. I got it. I got it. You got what? It was Uncle Bert.

Me? No, Ira.

Think about it. Aunt Sylvia was infatuated with JFK. Now, Uncle Bert,

that you would never be the man that JFK was in her eyes. Ira.

And that consumed you. The rage, the jealousy. It ate away at your insides.

had to lash out. And so you copped the spoon. The spoon that she loved. The

spoon that she cherished. Who stole the spoon? Didn't you, Uncle Bert?

Didn't you? Ira. She already confessed.

Oh, really?

Oh, well, that was my first guess.

Anyway, as I was saying, I think this belongs to you.

Here you go, Sylvia.

This isn't my spoon.

Pardon me? What?

It's an Elvis Presley spoon.

Wait a minute.

This is my spoon. I thought I lost this.

What the hell are you doing with my spoon?

No, no!

Where are you going?

I live on Rosalba Island.

Yes, Rosalba Hospital, don't worry.