Original subtitles

What are you reading?

Julius Caesar.

Oh, that's for your Shakespeare group?

Uh -huh.

That's so cool that you do stuff like that. I should do stuff like that. It's

good. Keeps the brain sharp, keeps the wit sharp, the IQ up there.

Keeps you interesting to your mate.

Huh?

Doesn't really matter.

Tell me why I love you, love you, love you. Tell me who can start my heart as

much as you.

Tell me all your secrets. I'll tell you most of mine.

This ain't nobody's perfect.

Well, that's really true this time.

I don't have the answers.

I don't have a plan.

James,

put the book down. Stop dilly -dallying. Get going. I'm going, I'm going. You've

got big things to do. Big day for Jamie.

What?

It's quitting time.

Quitting time.

Jamie, you're quitting today?

Yes, I am. Yeah, yeah. Well, she says she is, but she tried a hundred times,

then she just cannot bring herself to do it. I can do it. I'm just worried about

Lance. What's going to become of him? He will be fine without you. Believe me,

he's ready for this. Trust me, he is prepared.

I can quit any time I want to. You know what you need? A little withdrawal

patch. I'm waiting for the right time.

When would that be? What, are you going to just shout out the words while

actually having the baby?

I've been waiting for Lance's campaign to get an upswing, and it's finally on

one. It's a huge upswing. It is.

We're up in the polls. We finally have money coming in, and as a crowning

achievement, I've booked him on Newsnight with Judy Kaufman. Wow, she

Pope on last night. You know that I've never ever seen Newsnight?

Why not?

I don't know.

It's all in opposite Popeye.

What happened to all the umbrellas? Huh?

The umbrellas.

Oh, I think I have some in my office.

How many?

Six.

Fran, Fran, it's a bird.

You say that like this happens all the time.

Hey, look for the eyes.

Don't look. Go for the eyes.

What the hell is a bird flying in here for? You left the window wide open.

Since when is that an invitation to exotic birds?

Leave the door open, what is a cougar going to walk in?

I have to get to work and lead Fran to safety. Will you get rid of it, please?

Yeah, I'll do that, because as you know, I am a falconer.

Hey, Murray, take care of that.

What am I paying you for?

This sounds like a really great plan, I think.

You boys think you have the cojones to do this?

Yes. Yes, Arthur.

TV studio has been taken care of. Is everything set on your end?

Everything's set.

If this goes down the way you promise, we will be most appreciative.

How appreciative?

This is just a taste.

My favorite flavor.

Sorry, I just... Nice blouse.

Yes, good workmanship.

May sustain many washings.

Thank you. What were you guys doing outside?

Outside? Outside.

Outside?

Outside.

In the alley. I just saw you. What were you doing?

Having a catch.

Having a catch?

Yes, we were having a catch.

Why did that man hand you an envelope?

What envelope?

Oh, this envelope.

Oh, well, I have this one.

And I asked him to hold it while we were playing catch.

Hello, everybody. Hey, Lance.

Hey, who's better than you are? Nobody. That's who.

Jamie, I'm sorry I'm late. My wife, she had this silly dream that something

terrible would happen to me today. And she begged me to stay home.

So weird. I'm reading Julius Caesar. His wife does the exact same thing.

And what's the terrible thing that happens to him?

He's stabbed to death in public.

Ooh, that would be terrible.

Now, whenever you're ready, I'm going to drill you for your big Newsnight

interview today.

Oh, my God.

That's it.

That's the terrible thing. Lance, it's national exposure.

Yeah, but it's with Judy Kaufman. That woman tears people to ribbons. Did you

see what she did to the Pope? That's because he wasn't briefed. You will be.

It's going to be the best thing that ever happened to your campaign.

No, no, no, no, no. See, I am terrible at those things. I mean, my mind goes

blank. I can't remember anything.

I say the first thing that pops into my head. I mean, let's face it, Jamie, I

choke under pressure. Why I think I can be mayor is beyond me.

You've gone on television before. You've done fine. Just be yourself. That's

what people respond to. Be myself. Be myself.

Maybe a slightly idealized version of yourself.

I will be with you the whole time. I will not leave your side. You promise?

course. Oh, that makes me feel so much better. I don't know what I'd do without

you.

Uh -huh.

Don't chicken out. This is a big opportunity for us. And if Lance

to get hurt for it to happen, then that's just too bad for him.

What's going to hurt Lance?

Jamie, hi.

I was just saying that if Lance Brockwell ever knew how much we cared

He would be so overcome with joy that his heart would actually hurt.

That's what you were saying?

Did you overhear anything else?

No. Then yes.

Okay.

Lance, can I talk to you for a second? Sure.

Now, I know this is going to sound crazy, but I think you may be the victim

some sort of plot.

What? I know. I know it sounds crazy, but I happen to be reading Julius

and I swear it's playing out here.

Troy and Vladimir are like Brutus and Cassius, and they're trying to destroy

you. Those two?

Hey, Vladimir.

Is my wife around?

Oh, Jamesy. She's talking to Mr. Brooklyn.

Oh, what do you call her? Jamesy.

Jamie.

Jamesy. Jamie.

Jamesy. Jamie.

Jamesy.

Jamie. Jamesy. Jamie. Jamesy. Jamie. Jamesy. Jamie.

Jamesy.

Okay, yes.

And then, this morning, a cockatoo flew into our apartment, and that's in the

play. It's got to be some kind of omen.

Oh, Jamie, you are so cute.

I remember early in my career, I was reading Crime and Punishment, and I did

exact same thing. I saw parallels all over the place. Everywhere I looked,

was Crime and Punishment, Crime and Punishment.

Of course, I was working in the DA's office at the time.

Please, just promise me you'll be careful around them. I will.

You found a cockatoo?

Well, actually, it found us.

Why don't you just kill it?

Kill it?

You know, squish it with your foot.

It's not a bug, you know. It's a fairly large bird.

So spray it.

Spray it and throw it in the trash. That's what I would do.

Boy, New York is just losing its small -town feel, isn't it?

Hey.

Hi. What are you doing here?

Xeroxing for free.

Oh.

Plus, I am taking my suddenly jobless wife out for lunch.

So, so, how do you take it?

Fine. I haven't told him yet.

What are you doing? It's not a good time. Something is going on around here.

Yes, you are procrastinating. I need a bigger envelope.

I'm not procrastinating. Troy and Vladimir are plotting against Lance.

What are you talking about? I'm serious. It's just like Julius Caesar.

Who, Yippie and Yappy?

You will see, they're acting very shitty.

Here, Jamie, you're going to need the directions to the Newsnight studio.

Shoo!

Shoo!

Hey, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo, shoo!

Look at him up there looking down at us. What do you suppose he's thinking?

He's thinking, boy, both those guys are losing their hair.

Listen to me. Do you have any idea how much that thing is worth?

Cooked or raw?

I'm not kidding. This thing is an exotic bird. It's worth like five grand.

Get out of here. I'm serious.

Somebody pay $5 ,000 for that?

Yeah. People just have too much money.

Wally, the guys use this to meet women. You know, it's like instead of dogs. You

know, you teach them how to talk and then they hit on chicks for you.

How lazy could you get?

They say things that you can't say, like... Nice ass.

I cut it off.

Nice ass. Nothing. Nice ass. Nothing.

Listen, you know what? I'll tell you what we should do.

We should capture it. We should sell it to a pet store.

No, no, no. What are you doing? What are you doing? Shh, shh, shh. You've got to

sneak up on it.

I saw this on Doctari.

Oh, I know.

Now what do we do? I've got a plan.

You see, it looks so sad.

It looks melancholy.

I got a melancholy cockatoo.

Here.

What's going on there? What is this? Put those on.

Pretend we're in the bleachers at Yankee Stadium.

We're at Yankee Stadium, but we're making soup?

Come on.

Oh, I don't like this at all. Are you ready?

Ready? Joke!

Hey, hey, hey!

Ready?

Joke! Come on!

See how short a pattern they're all up in there? No.

I got an idea.

Yes? Shoo!

Where is everybody?

Are you here for sex date?

Here, fill this out.

Seven months pregnant, I've actually already had my sex date.

I'm looking for Newsnight.

Oh, Newsnight.

They tape across town.

God. What?

Have you ever read Julius Caesar?

Uh, no, but there is a great Star Trek novel where Kirk meets him.

Well, let me handle this. Watch the master at work.

Okay, me and my friend here, we've been, uh, we've been thinking it over and,

you know, it seems like 5 ,000 would be fair, huh?

I'll give you $500.

We'll take it. No, no, no.

$500? Come on, you got a bird in the front window exactly like that for six

grand. I'll give you $500.

All right, we'll take it.

No, no, come on. Look, the nice man is going to give us $500.

What's it, $500 is better than nothing? What's the matter with you? It's no

good. $400. Okay, we're losing money now. You see what I'm saying? These

300. 300.

Okay, see what's happening? It's evaporating right as we speak.

200.

200. Okay, well, it's all going away right before our eyes. Don't worry about

it. It's $100.

$100. Okay, why don't you take that? It's 50 bucks a piece. Let's just cover

time. Zero.

What did you say?

I will give you zero for this bird.

Zero.

Not 500?

Zero.

400, 300, 2, 1. Those are all gone now?

That's right.

Zero.

Okay. We're just going to come back in. We'll try this again.

This is where they do Newsnight?

Why is there only one chair?

Lance, your naivete is so endearing.

Newsnight is based in Washington.

You'll do the show from here by remote.

Really?

Boy, I'll never get the hang of this new technology.

Anyway, Lance, let's get this behind your ear.

Vladimir, don't just stand there like you're waiting online for toilet paper

Moscow. Help me.

What's this?

This is the earphone so you can hear Judy Kaufman's questions. It's also how

I'll be able to communicate to you from the booth. Oh.

Now, you're on in exactly one minute. One minute? Oh, no, I can't do this.

Where's Jamie?

Not to worry, Lance. Everything's under control.

Hello. I'm Judy Kaufman in Washington, and welcome to News Night.

My guest this evening is New York mayoral candidate Lance Brockwell. Good

evening, Lance.

I'm sorry.

Say good evening, Judy.

Good evening, Judy.

If I am elected mayor, I pledge to lower... My pants. My pants.

Taxes. Mr. Brockwell, have you been drinking?

Yes. Yes.

No, no. You see, Judy, drinking dulls... The drugs. The drugs.

No, the senses.

Can I please take this thing out of my ear?

You will not be able to hear my questions.

Hey! Jamie!

Jamesy! Jamie? It's Judy.

Yippee!

Lance, don't acknowledge me on the air.

Security's on their way. I don't care.

Mr. Brockwell, do you need a minute?

No, Lance, you can do it. Just use your own words and be yourself.

What I was going to say is that my first act as mayor would be to restructure

the tax system.

thereby creating a surplus that could be funneled into education.

Bird?

Looking for a bird?

Trey Bird?

Would you like a bird?

Hey, here you go. Okay, why is nobody taking our flyers?

Flyers? Nobody takes flyers anymore.

I do. Hey, how do you think I found out about that whole Mafia -Vatican

connection?

Just let the poor cocker too go, all right? He doesn't want to go. I asked.

ask again.

Here. Hey, little birds. Want to fly?

Here. Fly.

Go. Fly.

Fly away. Be free.

Fly like a bird.

Be a bird.

Free. Fly.

No.

So keep them. I don't want them.

All right, fine. Give them away, then. Give them away to who?

Excuse me, excuse me.

Could we interest you in a cockatoo?

I guess you misunderstood.

Lance, you did great. Oh, thanks.

I did, didn't I? That's great.

You know, I really feel like I'm on an upswing here.

Gracie Mansion, here I come.

Boy, I'm really feeling good about myself. You know what I just realized,

What?

I'm the man.

Lance, that's great, because there's something I've been wanting to tell you.

What's that?

I'm sure you know what I'm about to say.

No.

Well, I imagine you've known this day has been coming for a long time.

I have?

Well, Lance, as I'm sure you've surmised, I'm quitting the campaign.

What do you mean?

Well, I'm pregnant, so... What?

Well, I'm having a baby.

Well, this is a hell of a time.

I did tell you. I can't remember every detail. I'm trying to keep my head above

water here. Oh, my God, this is terrible.

Lance, please.

You, please.

You're not making this very easy on me. Easy on you? You're ruining my life

here. Please don't go, don't go, don't have a baby.

What? You're killing me here, Jane. You're ripping my guts out here.

It's going to be fine.

Really, it's going to be fine.

Listen, I've got to go.

Lance,

listen, listen.

I've really enjoyed working together, and my hope is that we can do it again.

Well, bye.

So what was Beretta really like?

I heard he was pretty intense.

Not even a chuckle from you?

Huh?

What are you reading now, Othello?

Yeah, not really.

Want to watch Newsnight?

Oh, God, no.

Okay, want to watch Popeye?

Okay. Good.

This is good. I love that you're here. This is so good.

We can watch TV, we can hang out, we can watch shows that have absolutely no

redeeming value.

I'm so glad you quit.

What are you doing?

What? Do you really think I want to sit here and watch Popeye?

Or Green Acres is on, too.

You like that?

What have I done?

What do you mean, what have you done? You quit.

You said you were going to quit, you promised you were going to quit, and

you quit.

I like my job.

I love my job.

How do I know I'm going to like this?

What? How do I know I'm going to like doing this?

How do you know you're going to like being a mother?

Well, it's a little late now.

I mean, you know, we can get our deposit back.

Believe me, I know.

You know, it's like when we were getting married. You were very happy being

single, right?

Yeah. But you traded that in, you got married, and that was a big risk, wasn't

it? Yeah, it certainly was.

So, let me ask you, how did that work out so far?

So far, not terrible.

So?

So. So.

So.

So. So shut up. All right.

You know, sometimes I'm very clever.

You're a very lucky woman.

You're a very lucky bird.

You found my cockatoo.

That's your bird? Oh, Van Gogh, you're alive.

He flew out the window while I was airing the living room.

His name is Van Gogh? I never thought I would say this, but I am enormously

grateful. Here.

Oh, isn't that nice? Look, honey, five dollars.

I must say, I'm very appreciative.

You know he talks.

Really? Yes. He has pretty eyes.

Really? Yes, I taught him myself.

Watch this.

Then go.

What's Mummy's best feature?

Nice ass.

So,

so where are you from?

I'm from Trenton originally.

Moved out here in the early 70s. Some old lady owned me for a couple years,

she passed on.

So then I got sold to some store on 8th Street. That's where this British lady

got me.

I got a brother down in Baltimore.

I never see him.

That must be tough because you can't write him or anything.

I know.

Hey, you want something to eat?

I could eat something.

Is that a yes or a no?

If you're making, I'll have.

I'm not making, but I'll make something for you. I don't want to be a bother.

Well, it's too late for that.