Original subtitles

Traffic and weather together, 35 times an hour. It's three degrees in New York,

but good news, it'll be going up to four.

Oh. Okay.

So, A, good morning.

And two, is there anybody in the country colder than us? No.

Where is the heat?

I think the pipe's broke again.

We gotta call Mr. Wicker.

In case the man's not just a super, he's a psychic.

Oh. Hello.

Hey, Daddy.

Hey, Joan.

Can Jamie get on? Yeah, hold on. It's Joan.

So tell me. A little hiccup. I knew it. Very minor.

Remember that thing we talked about the other day? I went over your sonogram

with Dr. Hutchinson, and he agrees that it's placenta previa. Uh -huh. Which

means that the placenta's just a little too close to your cervix. Uh -huh. Which

is nothing to worry about. It'll correct itself with two or three days bed rest.

That's it? Just bed rest?

I told you, very minor.

All right, well, I should probably try to stay in bed.

No, you have to stay in bed.

I understand, but if I need to get out of bed for a second... No, you have to

stay in bed.

Actually, I'm just saying if for one second... Jamie. I should probably just

probably stay in bed. That is correct.

Not so much as a foot on the floor. Let me talk to Paul. Hello, sir.

What are you doing for the next two or three days?

Uh, not much today. I got a meeting. What are you doing for the next two or

three days?

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go uptown? What are you doing for the next three days?

I'm staying home, taking care of my wife. Yes.

Whatever she wants, you get. Whatever she says, you do. If she leaves that

it's your fault. Got it?

My fault. Good.

If there are any distractions, any stress, any anything, it's what, Paul?

Entirely my fault? Yes.

Jamie, feel good. Behave yourself. I'll check in later. Tell my sister -in -law

to feel good. Debbie, too, would like you to feel good. Tell her thank you.

Thanks, Joan.

So it's minor, right?

That's what she said.

Very minor. It's a couple of days' bed rest.

You like the bed, right?

I love the bed.

Yeah, you sleep in this bed every night. I do.

So it'll be like that.

Just a little longer.

Not my favorite phone call, though. No, no.

Okay, but you know what?

I am here, and I will take care of you.

No, I don't want you to have to take care of me. Please, it's my honor. It's

thrill. Really?

Come on, this will be fun.

What?

Nothing. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. See, right here. You tell me.

I was going to get out of bed and grab a sweater because I'm cold. No, no, no.

We're talking. See, that's the kind of thing. Sweater is coming up.

Oh, it's cold. Oh, wow, wow, wow.

Okay, no, sweetie. You've got to learn. You've got to learn to go with this.

Doctor's orders. No, no, no, honey. Out of the other drawer. Out of the other

drawer. Okay. Sorry.

Sweater. Uh, no, no, no, no. Pull over, pull over. Okay. Sorry. Okay.

Honey, that's the vest. Vest? No vest, no vest.

No vest. Here.

Scratchy. Scratchy. Too scratchy.

Here, nice, huh? Yeah.

No, okay.

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, see?

I was kidding with the other sweaters. Wow.

Wow. Wow.

Oh. Thank you. Hey, please, no problem. I'm so sorry.

Sweetie, you have to learn to let others do for you. But I feel guilty.

Guilty? Hey.

You're going to deprive me of the privilege of nursing you and your little

placenta back to health?

You're very nice. I'm very nice.

I'm very cold.

I can file the phone. Hey, hey, hey.

Not on my watch.

I'm going to get Mr. Wicker up here too, sweet. Take care of you. You shouldn't

be cold. Mr.

Wicker, Buckman's, 11D. I need you up here right away. There's no... The whole

building.

I see.

I see.

Oh, I see. Okay.

He'll be here whenever he can.

In the meantime, what would you like for breakfast?

Oh, you don't have to make me breakfast.

Hey, breakfast is just the beginning. There'll be breakfast, there'll be

there'll be dinner, and snacks in between.

All brought to you by me, your loving houseboy, Coco.

Now tell me, tell me what you would like for breakfast.

Whatever is easy. Cereal.

Come on.

Whatever, an egg.

An egg.

Don't insult Coco.

Seriously? You tell me. Anything your little heart desires.

Anything my heart desires.

Okay.

Potato pancakes?

All right, sir. No, no. Potato pancakes it is. Coco leaves now.

Coco's cold! I'm sorry, sir.

You know what? It's not even that bad. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Coco's getting dressed.

Coco's going to get dressed a little more.

Now, I'm dressed.

I'll be it like an extra in Gandhi, but still, I'm all right.

Okay. Ready to face the... Oh, no.

What?

What did you do?

What did you do? What did he do?

He retiled the bathroom. What did he do?

He peed on the bathroom floor. What did you do?

Does he look all right to you?

I don't know. Does he?

I don't know. He just seems not himself. He seems a little distant, a little

detached, a little blasé.

Harry, are you blasé?

Hello.

Hello.

Hi, Ma. Still got those keys, do you?

Good, that's nice. Uh, what are you doing here?

I come up here sometimes during the day.

You're usually gone.

Well, isn't that something?

I did not know that. No.

What's with you? You're still in bed.

Joan's orders.

Really? Two or three days bed rest. Oh, well, it's lucky I'm here. I can get

whatever you want. No, Ma, I'm here for that. In fact, you know what? We should

not even have anybody else here. Well, don't mind me.

I'm just going to measure the room.

You know what?

You remember that crib you liked?

I got the catalog.

Really? Yeah. And I was thinking that if you just got rid of the piano, the crib

could go right there. Oh, who peed on the bathroom floor?

Interestingly enough, it was colorful method actor Christopher Walken.

What did you do?

What did you do?

Forget it, Ma. Either he doesn't know or he just won't say.

Is everybody decent in here? Yeah, come on in.

Hey, Mr. Buckman. Oh, hey, two generations of Mrs. Buckman. Hi, Nat.

Murray. Hey there, Murray Tyler Moore.

I know what you're thinking, Murray. It ain't a fit day for man nor beast to go

out there. But the good news for man and beast today, I have purchased matching

Gore -Tex parkas.

That is awfully considerate of you, Nat. Oh, come on.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give to you, Murray of the North.

Is this smart looking?

That is a very smart outfit. In terms of the walk, I think you're actually a

little bit late.

Late? What are you... Oh!

Oh! Oh, what did you do?

What did you do?

Murray, if you talk now, they may go easy on you.

Mr. and Mrs. Budman, I am so sorry.

Oh, it's okay, Nat. No, no, no, please. I will clean it up. If you don't mind, I

just, if I may, use this newspaper. Yeah, go ahead. The Arts and Leisure,

though, I didn't read yet. I'll skip it now, though.

You know, this dog doesn't look right to me.

I was just saying that. He looks glazed over like your father when we saw the

English patient.

He does, you see. I think maybe it's time to set him free.

What are you talking about?

Unleash him to walk freely in heavenly pastures. Put Murray to sleep?

Hey, there.

Besides, you're having a baby. Oh, there.

I'm just saying, maybe you don't want a dog anymore.

Hey, there. Oh, there, hippie. How, how?

Ma, this is Murray. We love Murray.

Oh, you big animal lover. Do you know that he once flushed a turtle down the

toilet because he was tired of feeding it?

I was four years old, ma.

What we are at four, we are at 40.

Does he look all right to you?

Oh, yeah, Mrs. Buckman. He looks right as rain.

All right.

I guess we'll be on our way then. Come on, Marie.

Come on, Marie Povich. Come on, Marie Queen of Scats.

How could you not be crying?

Strength of character.

Look, can I please help you? No, Ma. No, we're all done. I got everything under

control. Coco is here.

Who's Coco?

I'm Coco.

I'm leaving.

I'll get... No, no, no. Coco gets the phone.

Hello? Hey, Pauly.

Hey, Iris.

Pauly, is everything all right? Yeah, it's fine.

Hey, how come you're crying?

I'm not. No, I'm not crying. I'm making potato pancakes.

And there's onions.

Oh. Listen, Paulie, did you forget about the meeting or what?

Oh, the contract?

Yeah. Oh, you know what? Can you sign for me?

I don't think so, Paulie, no. You know what? Just forge my signature. The

suits, they won't know the difference.

Well, they might.

What? You know, they're all right here, Paulie, with me on the speakerphone.

Did they like my little joke?

Listen, I'll call you back, all right?

You okay in there? Uh -huh.

Do you think you could bring me my toothbrush, though? I'll get it. No, no,

I got it. That's Coco's job. Coco's got it.

Sorry. No, no, no. I'm sorry. What's the matter? Nothing. Why are you crying?

Just because I love you so much.

Onions? And that.

And some toothpaste.

Toothpaste without toothbrush?

Sorry. Okay, please. Very important part of the whole brushing process.

And some water.

Boy, it's like I never brushed my own teeth in my life. Okay. I'm sorry.

Oh, please.

What did Coco say? No sorrys. Sorry.

Sorry.

Sorry. Okay.

Water and the extra bonus spittoon.

Coco is very good to me. Hey, you're nice enough to bear Coco's child.

What's that smell?

What's that smell?

Oh, oh, oh, hey, Mark, hey, do you not smell half the village is burning?

Suddenly Wolfgang Puck needs help.

Are they okay?

Yes, everything's fine.

Everything's fine.

I think I actually made potato coasters.

I'm sorry.

What did we say? No sorries. The next ones will be oh, so potato -licious.

Coco is on the ball here.

Hello. Hello.

Hey there, Mr. Buckman. Hello there, Mrs. Buckman. It's Nat on the line here.

Hello, Nat. Is everything all right?

Yes, it is.

I did want to tell you one thing, however, and that is that I have, for

protection, I have kidnapped Murray.

If I may.

What do you mean you kidnapped Murray?

I'll call you back. Call you back. What?

What is that? Paul? Huh?

Oh, hey, hey, hang on. Hang on.

Oh, hey.

Not good.

Help. Okay.

Here we go.

How are you enjoying the day so far?

Our dog has been kidnapped.

Honey, it's Nat.

You know, it's not the Symbionese Liberation Army.

Okay, okay, okay, come on. No stress, no distractions, no nothing.

Can you get me some water?

Okay.

Hello. Hey there, Mrs. Buckman, it's Nat here. Nat, thank God.

How are you?

I'm fine, Nat. Could you bring our dog back right now, please?

Well, I'd like to do that, Mrs. Buckman. I truly would, but unfortunately I

cannot. And beyond that, I will not until certain demands are regretfully

What do you mean? What kind of demands?

Um, I'll call you back. No, no, no, no. Why do you have to keep calling us back?

Come on, Mr. Buckman. Everybody knows you keep me on the phone line for

than 60 seconds so you can trace the call.

Matt, we don't have to trace the call.

We know you're calling from your apartment.

How do you know that?

I have your number, and if you hang up, I'm just going to call you back.

Well, fine. It won't do you any good. Why not?

Because I'm not here. There.

Nat,

listen to me. I'm sorry. That's 60 seconds. I'll call you back. Of all the

to get your dog kidnapped.

Hey there, Nat here.

Nat, it's Paul.

He's just going to keep hanging up, isn't he?

Will you get me a tissue?

Yeah. Boy,

I guess the whole polite phase, that's over, huh?

Nat, please, what do we have to do to get Murray back?

Huh? Hello?

May I please speak to Sylvia Buckman? Uh, Bert?

Who is this?

She'll call you back.

Okay, I'm at... Tissues.

Bert, she'll call you back.

Oh, all right, then. Bye -bye. No, no, no!

Oh, all right. Well, here are my demands then, Mr. and Mrs. Buckman.

You got a writing implement there? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're taking to this asking for things like a fish to water.

Okay, go ahead.

Of course, if this were a bad day afternoon or three days a day at Tandor,

be demanding such items as a jet to the airport, a jet to... Jack, what are your

demands? Well, um... Oh, go back.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

What is this now? We're just snapping?

What?

Who is it?

Wicker. Come in. Mr. Wicker. Thank God. It is so cold.

Sorry about the pipes.

What's that smell?

Horses?

Okay, that doesn't sound good at all. Kind of a major problem here. Can I use

your phone? No, no, no. Paul, cell phone.

Cell phone.

You know, you wouldn't know it to look at her, but my wife only recently had a

problem asking people to do things for her.

I wouldn't know. Yes.

Who is it?

It's Bert.

Bert Buckman.

Paul's father.

Sylvia, Bert called.

Come in, Dad. What are you doing? Come in.

Nobody call me back. My fault.

Oh, what do I smell?

Tires?

You take this end here and go back in. Good news.

The Spear Brothers plumbers are on their way.

Who is it?

Lisa. Come in.

Okay. You know this plant you gave me for Christmas?

Die?

Dude, strangle it? You're going to have to return it. Lisa, this is really not

the best time. What are you still doing in bed? Joan's orders. I've got to stay

in bed for a couple of days.

Oh, you're sick?

Let's play Yahtzee. No, I don't... English, no Yahtzee. No Yahtzee. It

stress and it's very loud.

Oh, you just don't know how to play.

Who is it? Who's that?

Debbie, come in.

Debbie, come in. I know I'm not supposed to be here. Mom.

I was so excited I couldn't help myself.

You know that gift I was having made for Joan's birthday? Uh -huh. I'll have to

show you this.

It's a charm bracelet with all of the medical instruments on it. Oh.

All right, Debbie. That's enough. You never saw it. Okay. Hey, you want to

Yahtzee? Yahtzee? Ooh.

What have we got here? A 42 -foot crib is going in here? What's happening?

How long is that?

11 feet. Good.

Why didn't you stand? Why didn't you move when you saw it coming? It was like

bullet.

Do you have any band -aids? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right in there, Debbie. You're in

the nightstand.

Who is it?

Spear Brothers.

Come on in. The Spear Brothers. Wow, that was fast.

We were right down the hall. All right, well, then it was slow, actually.

What are we doing?

Boy, guys, it's nice to see you. It has been so cold in here.

Yahtzee!

Who is it? Hey, Paulie, it's Ira.

Ira? Yeah, can I come in?

At this point, what the hell is the difference?

Paulie, I would like you to meet Roushling and Partners.

Huh? Suits, suits!

Well, uh, you know, it's actually not the best time. I'm a little busy, and

sorry I made fun of your suits before, as you see. Who am I to talk, you know

what I'm saying? You know what, just give me a minute. Make yourself

comfortable. Say hello to my parents, Bert and Sylvia Buckman. Hi, nice to

you. My, my hand. Yeah, you'll be fine. Okay, just have a seat there.

You'll be fine. Guys, how many apartments we did today already?

A hundred and five.

Oh, I can imagine.

How you doing?

Who's that?

It's Nat.

Nat, please.

Nat, come in. Absolutely, come in.

Hello. Whoa, geez, who are all these people?

We don't know.

You setting me up, Mr. Buckman? No, we're not setting you up. Matt, where's

Murray? Don't worry about Murray, please. He's being kept in a safe place

our transaction here is complete.

I made up a list of demands here. If you'd be good enough to review it, at

assign it. Matt, I trust you. I'm sure there's no reason to read it. With all

due respect, Mr. Buckman, I put a lot of work into that document, so...

A list of demands, honey. We agree not to put Murray to sleep no matter how old

he gets.

No problem with that. Yes, we agree to continue to love Murray no matter how

many children we may have. Even like two or five.

Whatever. Yes, we love Murray. We solemnly pledge to brush his teeth by

once a week.

Hey,

okay, okay. We'll brush the teeth. We'll brush the teeth. Fine. We get a deal

then. Yes, we have a deal.

Okay. Can we have Murray? Where is Murray?

All right.

I got some more great news. The Spear Brothers have done it again. We have

Hallelujah. Thank you, gentlemen. You're brilliant.

Hey.

Hey!

Hey there! Ho there, hippie. How, how?

Oh, my.

This is not what it looks like. I know that. Paul, Paul, do you know what all

this is? This is entirely my fault. Bingo!

Yatsir! Take care of it.

Do your job.

Okay,

you're going to have to leave.

Do your job, Paul. I'm trying to do my job. You really all have to get going.

Paul, do your job.

Everybody out!

Let's go.

We don't need to care for months. Never too soon to think about... Okay, Pop,

you're going to be fine. I used your last band -aid. That's okay. You got to

Let's go.

Roushley, where do I sign? Ready, ready. Okay, signing.

Thank you very much. Show them the door.

I can stay. No, you really can't. Goodbye. Thanks for coming. Good luck

your whole nation. Thank you very much. Plumbers, terrific.

Very much enjoyed the heat. You know, you should think about doing a film

plumbers. I will do that someday.

Mr. Wicker, you're my hero. I'll see you next summer. Yes, of course.

Debbie, I can't believe you're here. Does anyone listen to me? I couldn't

myself. Okay, why don't you go home and think about what you've done wrong,

little lady, okay?

Lisa! Yes? Go!

No? Yes, go! Take the yachts and go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Nat, you're a wonderful man, but it's time to play you about your life. I'm

sorry I had to resort to capital crime to make my point here, Mr. Wagner. You

know what? We appreciate it. It's no problem. In fact, would you mind taking

for the rest of the day?

Would I? Come on, Marie Asmund!

Come on, Rosemary's baby!

Very good, Paul. I am very proud of you. Well, I'm not done. You, out!

I came to check on Jamie. Well, Jamie's fine, isn't she? Out, out, out, out,

out, out. He'll be back after he's over his little power trip.

Okay.

See? Coco has done his job.

Man,

I'm hungry.

All right. Now, Murray, believe me, I am not looking forward to this any more

than you are. You don't want to have your teeth brushed. I don't want to be

brushing them.

But I'm legally bound to brush these teeth.

Let me just give you a rundown. This is the brush. I'll be coming at you. I'll

be putting a little of this toothpaste onto the brush.

Here's what you're going to see. You're going to see a side, side, side, up,

down, up, down. All right? Up, down, up, down, side. Murray, side, side, side.

Now, I'm doing just the teeth that show. All right? There's no point. And Matt's

never going to see the ones in the back. All right? So I'm just going to brush

the ones that show.

All right? Now, I'm going to ask you one time and one time only.

Is it safe?

Is it safe?

I'm going to try.