Original subtitles

He boned and bitter. I never should have quit her. I just walked over that night

at that bar.

I left her standing cause she was so demanding and I wrote this here song on

guitar.

Who sings that song again?

That song?

I like that song. Who sings it?

I do.

What do you mean I do? I just wrote it.

You did not.

Just walking through the apartment right now.

Big boned and bitter.

You just made that up? I swear.

Pretty catchy, huh?

Very catchy.

Very catchy.

Honey? Yes, my darling?

You wrote that song? Yes.

Big boned and bitter.

Who was that song about?

I just remembered, you know who wrote that? Willie Nelson.

Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who can stop my

heart as much as you Let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final

frontier.

I'm about you, baby.

Sanford's father is buying you a house? A very, very big house.

That is quite a wedding present.

Yeah, for my father, that's chump change.

That's a good chump.

Yeah, so I don't know what you and Paul were going to get us, but if it was

going to be a house, we already have one.

And I just wrapped it.

Hi. Sorry we're late.

Man, it is raining out there.

How did the shoot go?

Totally rained out.

Oh, no.

I told them, you know, it's going to rain. We should shoot it inside.

I thought it wasn't going to rain. Yeah, you would know that after all your

years at the School of Meteorology.

Hey, James.

Hey. So how's the movie coming?

You mean, uh, The Undersea World of Paul Buckman?

You know what we learned today?

Why are you going to bother these nice people?

You're going to shoot a movie outdoors in the pouring rain. I thought it wasn't

going to rain.

You've got to pay not only for the entire crew, but for the trucks and for

people you hire to look after the trucks. It wasn't that many people.

Even though you don't get to shoot a darn thing. How much did you lose?

$9 ,000.

Oh, you poor thing.

I thought it wasn't going to rain.

What is that?

It's our refrigerator. It's breaking down.

Or coming to life. We're not sure.

So, honey, that was my day. How was yours?

I didn't lose $9 ,000.

Can I help?

Can you help what?

With money.

Oh, sweetie.

Sanford, that's very generous.

Aren't I marrying the sweetest man in the world?

Yeah, I can't take your money.

Why not?

Why not?

We're practically family. It's practically family. It's not even my

my father's money. You know how much money his father has?

He's buying us a very big house.

Okay, if I may say.

That's an incredibly generous offer, Sanford, but I'm not sure it's the

idea to mix business and family. James, who are you, Michael Corleone?

We are like $13 ,000 over budget now.

Okay. It's only my opinion.

A little bit like this morning when I said it looked like rain, but what do I

know?

We have to call Doug. All right. Who's Doug? He's our handyman. He's amazing.

Could I get his number? We have a dripping faucet that nobody can fix.

He's not that great. Can you get her the number up there on a card in my book?

Yeah. Okay.

It's just that, didn't he say he's not taking on new patients?

Doug, the handyman? Yeah.

No. I think he did.

What, are you afraid? You think we're going to steal your handyman?

I didn't say that.

Can you be more petty?

It's just that, okay, here's the thing.

This is somebody that nobody really knows about because we kind of

him. And if we start giving his name to everybody, then, you know, we may not be

able to get him when we need him.

He's a handyman.

My fiancé is about to give you $9 ,000.

Which I appreciate, but come on. A lot of people have $9 ,000, but a good

handyman? You never see that.

Don't give her the card. All right, I'll give her the card.

Everybody jumping down my throat.

I'm just merely expressing my opinion here. I don't think this is...

The wisest thing to do. See, honey, this is a very good lesson for the kids. For

you youngsters, this is how a marriage works. See, I'm giving you the number

against my better judgment, and I'm going to take your money against hers.

See, now that's a beautiful dry reshoot. What did I tell you, Paulie? Sanford

came through.

Hey, wait a second. Wait, wait. What is that?

There's a scratch on the negative.

Just a little scratch, that's all. A little scratch. It looks like he was

by a bear.

Oh, this is unbelievable.

Wow, okay, we got to reshoot this.

I can't use film like that.

Okay. No, it's not okay. Where are we going to get the money for that?

It's no problem.

What are you doing?

I'm calling Sugar Daddy.

Who, Sanford?

No, one of the many other trillionaires that you know.

Wait a second, wait a second. Do you think that's such a good idea? Hey, hey,

Sanford, how you doing? It's Ira.

Apparently you do.

Listen, I'm sorry to bother you again, man, but we've run into a little snafu

the reshoot.

Hey, this is very distressing to us as well, but, you know, Sam, Sam, it's like

nowhere else to turn, you know what I'm saying?

How much?

Um, $12 ,000.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no, by Hollywood standards, I'm telling you, that's not that much.

I'm serious.

Yes, okay, I appreciate it.

Terrific. You gonna see it tonight?

Okay, all right, bye -bye.

It's like taking candy from an incredibly overprivileged baby.

Why did you do that?

So you could get the digital editing bay that you want.

I don't need a digital editing bay. But did you not say all day yesterday that

your movie would be a lot better if you had one? Yeah. You know what else would

be nice?

Robots of my entire family. Let's go on back, get some money for that.

Come on. That guy's got like $12 ,000 cash in his car ashtray. I just feel

somehow. He wants to do this.

Plus, every time he gives me more money, then I'm more beholden to his father.

Bill Holden?

Beholden. Beholden. I'm more beholden.

You're not beholden. I am. I'm beholden.

Beholden, I don't like it.

What did you say to him? We got to go see him tonight?

Yeah, yeah. We got to talk to his dad one more time about the project before

you know, invests some more. There you go. You see that?

Beholden. Now I got to go sing for my supper?

Nobody's singing, Paul. Yeah, I got to go sing for my supper and suck up to his

father. I'm singing and sucking in Beholden. That's what I am.

Just a minute.

You're dead?

Yeah.

Did you have any trouble finding the place?

No, I followed the directions you gave me. I got here without incident.

Good.

Oh, excuse the mess.

Mess? Oh, don't worry about it.

So, you've got a drip.

Uh -huh.

In here.

I was just trying to fix it nice work well I have this book books are good

I'm better let me see what the problem is

There's only one way to make money in movies.

In video, right?

Ice.

Ice? Yeah.

I used to be the exclusive distributor of urinal ice for the entire Lois chain.

There's a pretty picture.

I made a fortune.

Yeah, and that was before the advent of the 32 -ounce soda cup. You must be very

proud. Good movies, bad movies, they all gotta pee.

Boy, oh boy, could I use a stiff drink.

Here, baby.

Uh, no, thanks, I can't. What, because of the pregnancy?

Yeah. Oh, come on, I don't believe everything you read.

A little drink never hurt anybody.

Well, it's certainly bringing out the best in you.

Sorry I'm late.

Hi. Why is your hair all wet?

Oh, no reason.

Just showered.

It's not.

Are you okay?

Yeah, sure, I'm fine. Are you sure? Yes, positive. Why are you interrogating me?

You know, I was... I want to say... We live all... Go ahead.

No, no, you go. Please, I insist, you go.

All right.

I've fallen in love with Doug the Handyman, and I want to call off the

Well, that beats what I was going to say.

How did we break a brand new machine?

Okay, that's it. I'm making a call.

Hey, no, no, no, no. Don't, don't, don't. Please don't. Shut up, will you?

call me.

Hey, Sanford, how are you, my friend? You got him on a speed dial?

Just tell him to forget it.

Sanford, listen. This is the last time. I promise you. I don't think this is

right. This is not right. He's going for it. How much?

$22 ,000.

Look, Sanford, this is show business.

You know, things happen.

You know what? Tell him to forget it. There's other ways to raise money. Would

you just be quiet? You're a washcloth. I'm trying to have a conversation.

Cookies, myself, cookies. Shut up. You shut up.

Yeah, it's me. Yeah.

You will?

Oh, Sanford, you don't know.

I am forever grateful, and I can speak for Paulie. Go and see.

And, San, chin up, huh?

It's not right. You can't just call a guy every time any little thing goes

wrong. Apparently, I can't.

He's just very uncomfortable for me. He's my brother -in -law. Not anymore.

But, come on, he's my former, nearly brother -in -law, once removed by a

handyman.

You know what your problem is?

You're too sensitive.

And it's not just that. His father, his father is not the kind of guy who's

going to take his son's broken heart behind him down. You know what your

is, Paulie? Did my problem change already so fast? No, no.

You worry too much. You should save your worrying for something really bad that

happens in your life, okay? Paul Buckman? Yeah.

What is this? We have an injunction here on behalf of Zygmunt I. Clarick to

seize all properties related to the production of the documentary motion

picture, Buckman. Now, wait a minute. He can't do that. You would know.

Samford's father took my movie.

How stupid was I to sign that thing?

I can't believe I signed it.

It's like a story. What's the story with the guy, Faust, and he sells his soul

to the devil? And before he realizes how stupid it was, it's too late?

Faust? Faust, yeah, it's like that.

He took my movie.

So why don't you talk to him?

Oh, I'm gonna. I gotta figure out what my approach is gonna be. He's got my

life's work in his hands. It's gotta be handled very delicately. Should I bring

him a small cake?

Doug, your handyman. Hey, Mr. Buckman. Oh, boy, Doug, are we glad to see you.

Actually, Mrs. Buckman, I just came by to pick up Lisa.

Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug, Doug, the handyman.

That's nice.

Oh, that's very sweet.

Okay, okay.

Hey, Doug, do you think while you're here, maybe you can just take a look at

refrigerator?

A small, a quick glance?

Can I say one thing to you? Yes? Don't lend out the handyman.

Is this too weird for you? Do you want to go back to the washroom?

No.

I love Sanford.

I've made a terrible mistake.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, Paulie, don't be nervous.

There's no reason to be nervous.

We'll finesse him. That's right, a little finessement.

He got mad, we took our movie, we'll get him not mad, we'll take our movie back.

Maybe we should have brought him offerings.

Offerings? Like what?

I don't know.

Cake?

The man has his own baker on the premises.

What's he going to do with an outside cake?

Listen, the important thing is you and I, we both just maintain our dignity. At

all costs. You nervous?

A little bit.

All right, I got ten minutes between board meetings. I got to call Japan.

four minutes.

I got to do the treadmill for at least six.

You know what?

I have no time.

Uh, Mr. Clarke.

What, what?

Um, how you doing there, Mr. Clarke?

It's a pretty snazzy suit there, Mr. Clarke.

What do you want?

Okay. Mr. Clarke, we're all friends here.

I don't want this to have to get ugly.

You know, I was once playing poker with Nelson Rockefeller.

I had this terrific hand.

Four eights. Girl, four.

So I kept betting.

But he kept seeing me and raising, seeing me and raising.

And I said, this son of a bitch has either got a straight flush or bupkis.

But I thought to myself, no, he's just trying to bluff me.

So I called him.

Yeah, what'd he have?

The same thing you got.

What, bupkis?

No, we don't have bupkis, Mr. Clark. Mr. Clark, look. No, I... No, you look.

I have a legal document which you signed saying the movie is mine.

Now, look, I don't care about your movie. I might take a roll of the film,

buckle on it, and make it into a belt.

But the point is, the movie is mine to do with what I want.

And then what? What happens then? We're going to go to court? Who wins there?

Lawyers? Accountants?

No, I do.

Mr. Clark.

What?

Please, please give me the film back.

How does food go bad so fast?

You should try the chicken nuggets with the chocolate ice cream.

You're like a catfish.

What? We had a kid in seventh grade. We used to pay money to watch him eat like

this. I can't help it. I mean, I eat this way when I'm upset.

When's Jamie getting back?

I don't know.

I don't even know where she went.

Well, I need to talk to somebody.

I'm sure she'll be right back.

No, I just can't. I can't believe it. I mean, I broke it off with Sanford so I

could be with Doug, the handyman, right?

And then I realized, I miss Sanford.

So I broke it off with him, right?

But now Sanford won't have anything to do with me, and Doug won't have anything

to do with me, and I think I need a little help.

Any minute, she'll be back.

I can see that.

How'd you get in here?

Well, let's put it this way. The help doesn't like you either.

All right, just get out of here. Come on, come on.

Actually, I think we need to talk.

Now? Yeah.

Where is she?

Uh, in the incinerator room. I'll go look.

I need to talk to my... My sister.

I know. I know you do. Your sister or nobody else will do.

Well, will you talk to me until she gets here?

I just want to take out the garbage.

You know, I know what she'd say. She'd say that everything's going to be okay

and that I'm a good person and it's not my fault. And, you know, I'm going to

get over it.

Well, there you go. And consider it said.

What would you say?

What's that?

What would you?

Say.

I would say pretty much the same thing as Jamie would say.

You know, maybe just, maybe in my own words.

What would those be?

The gist would be very much the same, but maybe just the verbiage, so why

about the verbiage?

I want to hear it.

I would say... Okay.

I would say... You're 35 years old, and...

If you don't start acting like it, then you're just going to keep on hurting

yourself and hurting everybody around you and everybody around them until

there's like this big universe, this Lisa universe of hurt with you in the

center and us and everybody around us orbiting around like we're the moons in

planet just orbiting around in pain forever.

That's not the same at all.

Listen, I'm sorry Lisa called off the wedding. I thought she was going to be

very happy with Sanford. I always liked Sanford.

You want to marry him?

didn't break up Sanford and Lisa. Sanford and Lisa broke up Sanford and

Well, mostly Lisa.

And Doug the Handyman helped too, but it certainly wasn't Paul.

It's not fair to blame him.

Look, I don't care about Paul's little movie, and neither will anyone else.

That's all I got to get those two together again. I have no other

That's not leverage.

Sure it is. You're here.

You can't make these two people love each other.

Yes, I can.

And if you want Paul's movie back, you'll help.

No, I won't.

Why not?

Because I don't have to.

I got leverage, too.

What's your leverage?

I'm holding the drain plug.

You wouldn't dare.

Call my bluff and find out.

You want to see me naked?

Not especially, but that's how much I love my husband.

You got a deal?

What are your terms?

Give my husband back his movie.

Not out of your life.

Nice doing business with you.

Isn't that beautiful?

It's gorgeous.

I owe you one. Truth is, you already paid me back with what you said to Lisa.

Ah, I'm just, I'm very clever.

Okay, can I just say, I'm afraid of our refrigerator.

We're going to wake up in the middle of the night, it's going to be standing

over us.

You know, yesterday, I tried to fix it, it spit at me.

I walked away.

Dr.

Hanson! Handyman, our refrigerator was just going nuts.

Oh, you know, I hear they're having a big sale on appliances at Macy's. You

might want to check it out.

Doug, you're our handyman.

That's why I came over.

I have to be honest.

I've been through a great deal of emotional upheaval lately, and the truth

can trace it all back to the two of you.

I'm sorry.

I can no longer be your handyman.

What are you saying?

Goodbye.

Please don't go please come back.

Can you recommend somebody?

It's fun.