Original subtitles

J .P. Morgan.

Thank you.

Let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier.

I'm about to, baby.

That's what I like to hear at a checkup. The pregnancy is going very well.

I could have just told you about this one on the phone. You didn't need to

That's all right. I like coming with you.

It makes me feel like I'm part of this thing.

Don't you anyway?

Well, frankly, sometimes you and the baby get a little clickish.

What? You know what you're getting?

The glow.

You're getting that pregnant woman glow.

I am?

Hey, I think tonight I may read by you.

I'm getting more than the glow. Pretty soon we have to start telling people.

We will.

When?

We said, you know, a couple of months. Yeah, a couple of months ago.

Then I guess now.

Really? We're telling people?

Oh, I don't know.

Are we?

We're having a baby.

Well, congratulations.

I guess we are.

Oh, let it go. She's a total stranger.

Yeah, but you don't know that. She could know somebody we know.

It's like the Kevin Bacon game.

What is that? You drink a shot every time he does something?

No, that's Bob Newhart. Kevin Bacon.

Kevin Bacon. The game is you could connect any movie star to Kevin Bacon in

three steps. Like Robin Williams. Robin Williams was in Garp with John Lithgow,

who was in Footloose with Kevin Bacon.

Marlon Brando. Marlon Brando was in Superman with Ned Beatty.

who did Deliverance with Burt Reynolds, who made Striptease with Demi Moore, who

did A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon.

You have too much time on your hands.

The point is, if Paul and Brando is four steps away from Kevin Bacon, that woman

could know somebody that we know. They get to talking, they realize they both

know us, she tells them we're pregnant, boom, our secret's blown.

I'll risk it.

Maybe I'm just upset because you got to tell the first person.

You know what?

I'll call somebody. I'll feel better. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. You can't

start calling people up. Why not?

Because people are very funny about this sort of thing. Do you remember when

your mom found out she wasn't the first person to hear about our engagement?

That was a rough couple of years.

You have to handle this very carefully or there could be a lot of hurt

I can't believe we got all this food for one meal.

Hey, it's Thanksgiving.

Everybody's going to be over here anyway. Why don't we just tell them

See, now you're thinking. That's very clever. Nobody gets hurt. Exactly.

Why Kevin Bacon anyway?

Oh, apparently they tried it with Mickey Rourke. It didn't take.

Oh, by the way, Paulie, I'm not going to be able to make it to Thanksgiving.

Why not?

I have a date.

On Thanksgiving?

Yeah. What, that makes me a pervert?

No, I'm not judging.

It's just... Bring her along.

We got a big night planned, Paulie. We got the honeymoon suite at the Pierre.

Can you get out of it?

Yeah, I could, if I was an idiot.

It's just that it would mean a lot to Jamie and me.

Yeah? Why?

Well, you know, it's Thanksgiving.

So what?

Well, you've had like 80 Thanksgivings in a row.

Yeah, well, maybe there's a reason that this one's going to be special.

Are your family going to be there?

Sure. You're going to have turkey?

Yeah. Well, you're right. That does sound special.

Maybe there's some reason you don't want to miss this one. Yeah, what kind of

reason?

No reason, no reason. Just, you know what? Come, don't come. I don't really

care. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You know what's strange?

Yeah, having a date on Thanksgiving.

For a year, you and James have talked about nothing but trying to have a kid.

And then suddenly, you stopped talking about it altogether, and now there's

special reason?

So? Well...

What? Please.

What? Now, just say it. Say no. Now, come on. Say what? James and I are

pregnant. We're having Thanksgiving.

No, we're not. Pregnant. No. No. We're not pregnant. Yes, yes. Okay, we're

pregnant.

You called Fran? I called Fran.

All right.

This is going to be such a relief.

I don't know how much longer either one of us could keep this a secret. Yeah,

well, it's the worst with your mom.

Most things are. I don't know.

She's relentless. I just have to avoid her until the news is out. Well.

You know, if you did crack and tell one person, I would really understand.

No, no, no, I won't.

No, but I mean, I really, I wouldn't even be mad.

It's not an issue.

All right, well, just so you know.

And like, you know, I'm sure if I slipped and told somebody, I'm sure you

understand.

You didn't.

No, no, no.

Good.

Maybe, Ira.

Paul!

I didn't mean, you weren't there. He was all over. It wasn't human.

Okay, so figure by now, Ira's told Bert, who God forbid has told Sylvia, who's

probably told Debbie. Told her boss, whose cousin is Meryl Streep, who was in

the River Wild with Kevin Bacon.

Ira? Hey.

Jamie and I have something to ask you. If you tell a single soul, I'll kill

Really more of a statement, actually.

What are you talking about?

Paul told me he told you.

Told me what?

It's okay. She knows.

Knows what?

Ira, I know you know I'm pregnant.

James, you're pregnant?

Thank you. Thank you very much. So you haven't told anyone?

Hey, did I just prove nothing to you?

That's not a very good point there. Really? No one? No one.

Well, in the interest of total honesty, I did tell one guy. Oh, my God. Who?

Relax. He's completely outside your sphere.

Who did you tell?

What, the guy who cuts my hair on the corner?

Arturo? Yeah.

How'd you know? I recommended him to you!

Whoops.

What are you doing going to Jamie's guy?

What, he's a magician. Feel this. I don't want to feel it.

Oh, my God.

Lisa recommended him to me.

James, let the information flow naturally. We're all adults here. Yeah,

No, we're adults, and you're a big, stupid, secret -telling baby. Would you

back?

So she's telling me how much her husband loves her, and I just get through

cutting his girlfriend's hair.

Artur. Jamie.

Whatever you do, don't say anything. Oh, my God.

Alicia. You guys even get your hair cut together? That's so codependent. Jamie.

Ida was talking all about you this morning. Really? What did he say?

Do you think that we could talk to you just for a minute? Sure. Listen, when is

that? Somewhere private.

Please, baby.

Jamie, if this is about you dyeing your hair, I already know. I don't dye my

hair.

Okay.

Jamie, you don't look any... Hey, Arturo, you know what has always

is the ethics of a beauty parlor.

You know, I would imagine you have very strict rules about, you know, not

repeating something you hear from one client to another. Are you kidding?

the only thing that keeps me from shooting myself.

Let's say the people whom the thing was about came in and specifically asked you

not to.

Ah. This is about you two having that baby.

What?

Oh, my God. That is so wonderful.

Oh, my God. Good boy.

Listen, listen. The only reason Arturo knew before you was because Ira

happened... You know what? It doesn't even matter. Please, don't even give it

second thought.

Thank you.

Hold it.

Ira knew before I did?

Yes. You guys blow.

Do me a favor. You have to promise not to tell this news to anyone.

Okay. Now, I mean it. Seriously.

What? I can keep a secret.

Did you know that Sanford wet his bed up until college? No, because I can keep a

secret.

Lisa, you are going to have to grow as a person here.

You can't tell a soul. Promise me.

Okay, I promise.

Thank you. Thank you.

Did you just... Excuse me. Did you tell anybody?

I think I said something to the guy that came in after Ira. He was a car

salesman. Do you remember anything else about him?

His scalp was very dry.

Do you remember anything about him not pertaining to his hair?

His name?

Yes.

Mel Slotkin.

Mel Slotkin. Mel Slotkin. Do we know any car salesman named Mel Slotkin? No. All

right, so you know what? We'll let that one go.

Hey, who does your hair?

Why? Hey.

Gotta go. Who are you talking to?

Just Sanford?

Did you tell him?

Uh -huh.

What, did you hold out for ten seconds?

I couldn't help it. Well, call him back.

You see this, Moose?

You put this in, it disappears.

No one knows you wear it. It makes you look handsome. People don't know why.

Hey, honey, listen. You can't say a word about what I just told you, okay?

Don't... Oh, my God. That is so sweet.

Okay, guess what Sanford just did?

What? Well...

He called this Muzak station he listens to, you know, W -D -E -D, and he

dedicated a song to you. Oh, God, to us? Yeah, You're Having My Baby, to Paul

and Jamie Buckman.

Great, so now only people with electricity will know.

Not to mention, they have to listen to You're Having My Baby.

Give me that. I'm going to call the station and stop it.

You probably won't get through. It's five blocks away. I can be there in five

minutes. Godspeed, woman.

And now here's an old favorite of mine, and you know what it always means when

we play it.

Hey!

That's You're Having My Baby going out to Paul and Jamie Buckman from Santa

Teresa. Congratulations.

Well... Do you think I'm handsome, but you don't know why?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. That's what I'm going for.

Hey, do you want to play poker tonight?

Tonight? Oh, you know what, Poppy, I can't. Are you still playing with the

guys? Yeah, you know, same as usual. Miller, Bryan, Slotkin, Campanella.

Slotkin? Yeah, Mel Slotkin. Oh, he's a cheater.

Mel Slotkin, does he have dry scalp?

How do I know?

Well, he's just a crooked car dealer who wormed his way into our game.

He's a car dealer?

Yeah. You know what? I think I will stop by for a few hands. Oh, good, good,

good.

Hey,

shut up.

Ira, who's watching the register?

There's nobody here, Uncle Bert. Well, why don't you just put out the please

me sign?

Hey, Paulie, did James get the flowers I sent?

You sent her flowers?

Yeah. To the apartment?

Yeah, wait till you see the card. It's a little blue and pink and baby blue.

Hey, Debbie is in the apartment right now making pies.

So what? So she'll read the card. She'll know.

Polly, won't you just give it up? This is like a virus. The information is

spreading all over the place. You know, there's a monkey in Africa who knows

you're pregnant.

Hi. Oh, Paul.

Make fun of my hair or I'll slap you.

No.

Yeah, all right, good, whatever.

Did we get a package come for Jamie or me?

No, you were expecting something?

Uh, no.

Then why?

Oh, just because we get packages constantly.

Literally. Like the phrase, did anything come? That's pretty much replaced hello

around here.

Paul, you all right?

Yes, yes.

I just had a little pre -Thanksgiving stress.

I'm fine. Why?

Hello? How could you?

You two are having a baby, and you didn't tell me?

Oh, uh, Teresa, I'm so sorry.

Sorry about what?

How long have you known?

Um, three.

Miles!

Yes? Are you telling me that all the time my marriage was crumbling, you knew

this, and you didn't even bother to tell me?

I, you know... It's all right. It was rather enjoyable hearing about it on the

radio.

I can only apologize about that. My little girl is having a baby.

Do you know what that makes me?

Yeah, that makes you one of those women people.

I don't mind. In fact, I want to hear it. I want to hear it. Say it, Paul.

What word?

Well, you know.

Well, it makes you a... There's a pie. You know what?

I gotta go.

Okay, bye.

Paul, what was that about?

That was nothing.

Nothing? That was nothing.

None of your business.

You're not going to tell me? No.

How can you not tell me? Because when you need to know, you'll know.

Fine. Fine.

That's the way you're going to be? That's fine.

Hey, Deb, I'm a big boy now. If I have a secret I don't want to tell you, you

can't make me.

Fine. But sisters whose brothers keep secrets from them don't help with the

Thanksgiving pies.

I didn't know that was a rule.

Hello. Yes.

Excuse me. I believe these are yours. Thank you. I got it. Would you please

your delivery people be more precise in future? This exact same thing happened

in 1991 with that muffin basket.

Sorry about that.

Give me the card. Give me that card.

Debbie, give it to me. What a wonderful role model you're going to be for this

child. Child?

I'm afraid so.

I swear you and Ira are the only ones who know.

And her.

Two things.

One, congratulations, Paulie. This is wonderful news. I'm so happy I could

Thank you. Two, you're a son of a bitch.

Hey, Deb.

What have you done to your hair?

I'm so tired of you.

I've set up the pizza in the kitchen, which is exactly where you'll be eating

it, because I don't want stains on the carpet. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm

leaving before the universe ends from a woman being at a poker game.

Pizza?

I shouldn't. I got an occlusion.

You coming, Slotkin?

Give me a minute.

Sylvia, Sylvia.

Let me show you a picture of my new grandson.

He's beautiful.

Yeah, isn't he?

Yeah, would you like to see a picture of my new grandson?

Yeah. So would I.

Mom, where are you going? I'm going to your wife's house to help her prepare

only Thanksgiving dinner in America without a kiddie table.

Hi.

Hey. Is my dad in there?

Your birth son.

The one having the baby.

Mel Swanson.

Yeah. Yeah, hi. Okay, listen. About that, I would really appreciate it if

didn't tell my father about it.

I wouldn't give Bert the satisfaction.

He and I have a lot of bad blood.

Well, whatever the motivation, it's just that...

We're not really telling people yet, so I think he would be hurt if, you know,

if he found out from... Oh, if it will hurt him.

Excuse me.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait a second. You can't tell him. Yes, I can.

Right. I grant you that physically you can. I'm just saying, come on, morally,

ethically, I'll pay you not to. How much?

Fifty bucks?

A hundred.

Seventy -five.

For seventy -five, I drop hints.

All right, fine. Okay. Here, a hundred bucks.

Oh, look who's here.

Slotkin, this is my boy, Pauly.

Yeah, sweet Matt.

Yeah, listen, it turns out I can't play because I've got to run home. I've got

to stop on a big thing.

Is it that you don't want kids?

No, we do.

Because I have to say, that is a very selfish attitude.

We want them. We plan to have them. Plan? Plan when?

Soon. Soon, soon. Three months? Soon. Ten years?

Soon, soon.

So you'll never have a child. That is a choice you can make.

That won't happen. My son will die childless.

But the important thing is, you will have had a lot of nice dinners out.

Sylvia!

I know I'm going to regret this, but the truth is... Don't, don't, don't.

Don't what?

Put marshmallows in the yams.

Joan,

what's wrong?

Nothing. You don't cry over nothing.

I was on my way up to see Paul and Jamie.

Debbie and I had our first big fight. Over what?

I knew something and I didn't tell her.

It's not good to have secrets. What was it?

Where I come from, they call this a straight flush.

Your son's having a kid.

Everybody, have your attention, please. We have a little announcement to make.

I wonder what that could be. Oh, what? You're buying a new house.

All right, all right.

Paul and I are having a baby.

Yeah, yeah, good for you.

Hey, can we eat now? Hey, hey, come on, this is big news.

It's not big news, it's old news. You handled it very badly.

Oh, come on, let's not worry about who found out when.

Oh, oh, easy for you to say. You knew before they did.

All right, all right, look.

Admittedly, we didn't do the best job of making this public, but come on, we're

new at this, you know. Maybe next time we'll do better.

But regardless of who here found out first, the important thing is that you,

family, our friends, the people closest to us in the world, you are the only

people on the planet who know this information.

Just a second.

Is that Hal in Maggie's apartment?

Uh, no, actually, they're across the hall. I know you.

You're the couple from the elevator.

Hey, Kev, these are the people I was telling you about.

How you doing?

I hear you're having a baby. That's great.

Oh!

ah!