Original subtitles

[man] Now we're joined by magazine queen Evelyn Jones.

I'm a web queen now.

With Eve, we're creating a space

that's candid and honest.

What's the story, Pen?

Viva la vulva!

Celebration of the slut. Microplastics.

This place is like a zoo.

Not this glossy magazine bullshit.

[Evelyn] Do you know about genital warts?

Usually transmitted through sex by teenagers.

Oh, my God, Mum!

Divorce parpers? Really?

We're trying to view this as a life change

rather than something traumatic.

Stop!

That's actually none of your business.

She's my best friend.

Everything about her is my business.

- What did Norma do? - She plagurised.

It's just been post after post.

No one else has a problem keeping up.

Are you writing a book about me?

It's nothing personal.

Fuck!

I'm struggling...

to just make decisions.

I change my mind all the time.

I act before I think, and then it's usually too late.

I hurt people.

Am I a failure as a mother?

It's not you, it's this place.

It doesn't scream "home".

It's called "bird nesting".

You and I would move between the houses,

and the kids would just stay put.

It sounds a bit weird, doesn't it?

It is a bit weird.

It's not weird. It's Swedish.

I've just told Peter I'm ready to sell.

What? You can't trust Peter.

We won't be buying Eve.

We're aunching our own women's website.

Who on earth are you gonna get to run it?

I've got someone.

Actually, they came to me.

[Door opens]

Sorry, folks.

It's you, isn't it?

Oh, fuck.

It is.

[Evelyn] Right! This is what we're going to do.

["Clap Your Hands" by Sia playing]

♪ Well I've been neglecting the good things, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ What I mean is I need the good things, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ I'm finding the light in the good things, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Shake me out of my misery oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Clap your hands Clap your hands ♪

♪ Turn the lights on my nights ♪

♪ This is life and we only get one chance ♪

- Good morning, everyone. - Morning! - Morning.

Double-shot coffees to kickstart my Week Of Yes.

- Thank you. - You are the best.

And a peppermint tea for anyone who's hungover.

How did you know?

Traffic was up on the weekend. Let's keep the momentum going.

♪ Clap your hands Clap your hands ♪

[Evelyn sighing] Week of Yes. I can do this.

Look at this place. Fucking amazing. Week of Yes.

Right, come on guys, morning meeting.

So, did you guys see that Cat Hewson

started following me on Instagram.

[Jeet] Wow!

- Who is that? - She's a dilettante, Jeet.

She has a rabbit named Polly. She takes her clubbing.

We did a story on her when I was at Vogue.

Opal, your story about moving in with...

- [everyone] Dom. - Yeah. - Brilliant.

Do we really need to know that his mum still buys his undies?

Yes. Specificity.

Did you buy the couch you wanted?

Out of stock. She got a bookcase.

I wanted to colour code my books,

but Dom said that that was for sad people.

Sad people who get lots of likes on Instagram,

which makes them happy people.

Well, Dom hates micro-trends. He calls them moral failures.

Dom sounds fun.

Micro-trends. Good beauty story?

I'm already doing Anne Hathaway's

miserable prostitute diet.

What, Fantine?

No, the other miserable prostitute, Opal.

Whoa!

No such thing as a miserable prostitute.

[whimsical music]

Don't we have a no diet policy?

Yes. Nothing that makes women feel bad.

Unless it's in the zeitgeist and we're all talking about it.

Like, Atkins and 5:2.

- What is it, Lily? - Dried oatmeal paste.

Ooh, that's good.

I mean, could you write something about

how terrible it is for women in Hollywood

who have to stay thin despite how successful they are?

Jeet, what's happening in the world?

Can I tell you about my weekend first?

Did anything really happen?

- Yeah. - Okay. In the kitchen.

Almost...

[music plays]

Opal.

Look. Sweet Jane, our favourite troll, is back.

[Opal] "Has Evelyn Jones become a parody of herself?"

- Wow. - Shit.

Don't tell Evelyn. She'll spiral.

Yeah, spiral upwards.

Have you seen the engagement?

Our readers are loving Sweet Jane.

Paul? Where's Paul?

- [Opal] Oh, he looks mad. - [Penny] Or constipated.

Ah, thank you, Evelyn, for this fantastic opportunity

to present some of my research.

And it's pretty thrilling stuff, so strap yourself in.

You mightn't know this about me, but I'm a bit of a green thumb.

I like to toil in my garden, all year round,

pruning, fertilising,

even though my garden is under constant threat.

I thought you lived in a fourth-floor apartment.

Noxious weeds, treacherous winds,

creepy crawlies.

I've always got my pesticide ready

and I never drop my guard.

Sorry. Where are you gardening?

It's a metaphor, Opal. The garden represents life.

Okay. Actually, this is a lot for a Monday morning, Paul.

Trying to radiate positivity, this week.

[Evelyn] Can you just cut to the chase?

Yep.

We need to define who our reader is,

so that when the competition launches...

Ah, I'm starting to doubt whether Christine's website will ever launch.

It's been a very long six months.

Yeah, it has. And what have we done in that time to prepare?

- What have we done? - Yeah.

Ah, we've moved office.

Employed a new writer, Lily.

And an IT guy, Guy, who helps us with technology things.

I've appointed Penny to HR.

We've got an accountant starting this week.

We've launched your column, "Ask Adam."

- We've increased our page count. - Okay. Yeah, copy.

- [Paul] This... - Ugh...

Is Cate, with a C.

- Jesus, Paul. - Ew.

Cate's 33, lives in the suburbs, two kids.

And a husband she loathes.

She once went to Copenhagen but got a stomach bug

and couldn't try the Sm rrebr d.

Her husband has this theory that she's having an affair,

but that's just 'cause he had an unhappy childhood.

Cate is our reader.

Um, she's...

[Jeet] A bit boring, and very white.

Is that your sister or your lover, Paul?

[Opal] Yeah, Paul.

Why doesn't she just leave, if she's in an abusive relationship?

- I never said abusive. - No. What's that bruise, then?

No, just don't. Don't manhandle Cate.

Back off.

That's make up, it's still drying.

I think, I think you're onto something.

I mean, we should be doing more proactive pitching,

targeting the brands we want to represent,

like Pure Willow.

Now, Willow Russell, she's a saint.

Okay, well I have to go to the "Daily Show" now.

- This is great, Paul. - No, stay!

Sorry. Um, grab a muffin quarter.

We're going to get into the web traffic activity.

[Giles] Oh, hurry up, Ev.

The other guest is already on set.

Oh, who is it? Giles, who am I with?

[Giles] Oh, I don't know. One of you.

One of me?

There's only one of me, Giles.

- Ev. - [Giles] I'm here on the couch

with two powerhouses of women's media.

They both run successful blogs...

- They're websites. - It's a website.

Christine Faraq and Evelyn Jones.

Hello, ladies.

- Hi, Giles. - Hello.

Now, I should clarify, Christine, your blog,

sorry, website, it hasn't launched yet.

But does it have a name?

Yes. We are...

'Whoman'. [upbeat music]

♪ Whoman, Whoman ♪

- Woman? - 'Whoman'.

- [Giles] Whoman? - 'Whoman'.

W-H-O-M-A-N.

Hu-man?

The H is silent so, 'Whoman'.

But you're making a "Hoo" sound.

Very subtly.

It's actually the original spelling of woman.

Oh. Like, 'Eve' is the original woman.

[chuckles] Okay. When does, ah...

Wh...

- When does it launch? - We go live next week.

- [gasps] Wh-one week. - [Giles chuckles]

We have an incredible team.

Super young writers and contributors.

Speaking of team, you two used to work together

and now you're competitors.

I mean, how is that?

Oh, it was,

that was, like, a lifetime ago.

I mean, a lot has changed since then.

But you're right, Giles. I ran editorial at 'Eve Life'.

Hmm, she was my deputy.

Editor in Chief, when I left.

And I should clarify,

that 'Whoman' will be very different to 'Eve Life'.

[Giles] Well how so?

We're younger.

Typically, the 'Eve Life' reader is a 33-year-old woman,

living in the suburbs.

That's not true.

But we'll be lighter,

less angry. [chuckles]

The younger generation seem to be more hopeful.

Yeah, till they grow up and realise

that they're living in a world that's designed for men.

- Controversial. - Really?

Is it controversial to advocate for gender equality?

What does 'Whoman' advocate for?

Hmm...

Sunscreen.

[Giles] Ah, excellent segue.

Sandy with the weather, up next.

[stage manager] And we're out.

Really, sunscreen?

[Giles] That was a good segment.

Billy, can we get them back in again?

Get rid of that psychic.

Well, good luck with 'Whoman'.

Thanks, and the H is silent.

Whatever.

[sombre music]

Fuck.

[car horn honking]

[suspenseful music]

[tennis racket banging]

I've got to go back to the office

and pretend everything's fine.

And it's not.

My competition's launching. I'm in financial shit

and I clearly need help regulating my emotions.

Which are?

Self-pity, and rage.

And why do you feel the need to have to pretend?

Well, I don't want to look weak and vulnerable.

I want my team to be proud of me.

And you don't think they're proud of you?

No.

I have a troll.

Elaborate.

A critic, who attacks me on my own site.

Every day, she points out how useless I am.

I mean, who has the fucking time to do that?

She?

Sweet Jane.

And it doesn't matter what I write about, she undermines me,

because apparently I know nothing about anything.

And how does that make you feel?

Terrible. Humiliated.

She gets in my head.

My team are really worried about me.

So, I have to pretend that it doesn't get to me.

The rival site is launching and I just -

I really need your help.

Okay. Evelyn, competition is great if it motivates.

Okay, so, let it fire you up.

I did.

My nemesis has moved in down the hallway.

The bearded misogynistic prick

claims he's a bestselling author. My arse!

Prick.

[tennis racket banging]

[Evelyn] Better be up, Alex.

[Alex] Yeah, I'm coming, Mum.

[Addy] Yeah, ah, Dad said you're banned.

Ugh.

Hey, is this ham in between the lettuce?

Oh, ham's barely a meat.

[Addy] Mum, that's your worst lie yet.

You know Vivian doesn't eat anything with a face on it.

Her mum soaks azuki beans overnight, for lunch.

Oh. When am I going to meet her?

Maybe tonight.

- I'm protecting her. - From me?

- Yeah, you're a lot, Mum. - Ugh.

Hey, um, do you reckon you could soak azuki beans?

No, darling, I work.

And I don't know what they are.

Her mum's a barrister.

[Addy] I bet they don't eat processed meat.

Not with no coffee. No, that's cruel.

Come on, I need to add another 10 hours.

- No. - Isn't this your Week Of Yes?

I can't be a "Yes" boss and a "Yes" mum.

They'll cancel each other out.

[Alex] No. Two pluses makes a plus.

Okay, put your plates on.

["Konichiwa Bitches" by Robyn playing]

Things to do before moving in with your boyfriend.

You've only been there three days.

Oh. I'm covering a long-wear foundation launch,

and lipstick as eyeshadow.

It's part of a multipurpose beauty trend.

Oh, sorry.

Well, I was hoping

to cover the dehumanising media coverage

surrounding that sex worker

who was raped and murdered last week.

Ah, God. No one referred to her by name.

They all said, "That sex worker".

It's literally what you just said, Jeet.

I was hoping to keep things positive this week.

No dead babies, no rapes, no mentally-ill celebs.

[Jeet] I would just kill for one of those.

Week Of Yes?

Okay, fine.

Just don't make it sound like homework.

Paul? Where's Paul? Get out here, Paul.

Evelyn, when the door's closed to my office,

I can't hear you 'cause it's soundproof.

[Opal] Oh, we get it. You have a new office.

And Lily used to work at Vogue.

We've just had confirmation

that 'Whoman'

will be launched next week.

Actually, the party's tomorrow night.

I'm still on the Vogue party list.

[whimsical music]

But I'm not going.

Who else has been invited?

I'm forwarding it to you now, Evelyn.

- You should go. - Oh, I'm not going.

That'd be like turning up to

your ex's feminist website launch.

Not your best.

We're definitely going to have a traffic hit.

So, let's do something about it,

something with impact.

- Podcasting. - Well, I'm working on it, Jeet,

but we're just not quite there, with the resources.

What about some branded content?

Like,

matching famous men with?

Monuments?

- No. - Mountains?

- What? - Car upholstery?

- Shithouse. - I dunno.

I was thinking, like, matching famous men with,

different kind of cocktails.

And selling it to a vodka brand or something.

Perfect. Something like that.

Okay, chop, chop, everybody, back to work.

Whoop, we've got another Sweet Jane comment.

"Perhaps, 'Eve Life' lacks journalistic integrity

"and can't keep it's staff because Evelyn Jones is a..."

Ooh... Nevermind.

That's stupid.

[Opal] She's like a cyber terrorist.

[Paul] I've said it before.

That's terrible for reputation,

but it's actually excellent for engagement.

Okay, that's... HR.

[Evelyn] Oh, Penny, do you mind if we postpone

because the new accountant is coming.

Top of the agenda,

staff complaints about you always postponing meetings.

Fine, let's be quick.

Jeet doesn't like the tampons.

The tampons I supply for free?

Hmm. She wants unbleached organic.

Well, I don't use organic.

I use the ones that fluff and leak.

Okay, next is Lily wants a one-on-one.

- Another one? - Mm-hmm.

- Can you join? - No.

That's a two-on-one.

And that's, threatening.

All I said to her was that she's got to up the pace.

She's not at Vogue anymore.

Well, all the writers are complaining.

[Evelyn] Well, that's a first.

Four posts a day is a lot.

The Daily Mail publish 1,500 per day. We publish 20.

And it should be 50, if we're going to hit the algorithms.

Every time we increase our story count,

we increase our traffic.

We are literally glued to our seats, Evelyn.

Someone in the office has haemorrhoids

and I think that they are directly related.

It's you, isn't it?

- No. - Is it?

No, absolutely not.

My insides are smooth.

I have a solution for it.

- What, the cream with the funny name? - No, for stress.

I was thinking we could do boardroom yoga.

- [Paul] Week Of Yes. - [Penny] Yes.

Fine.

If we just do it during lunch so we can hit our targets.

This is what I'm talking about, Evelyn.

Content farm.

Oh.

[Penny bleats like a lamb]

- It's you, isn't it? - Yeah.

[suspenseful music]

[mouse clicking]

The new accountant's here and she looks displeased.

Oh, fuck.

- Get back to work. - Yeah. Okay.

I've never had an accounts person before.

I can see that.

It's the first time I've run my own business.

I can see that, too.

You've overextended.

You hire three new staff members in the last month.

You have a huge warehouse,

but you are only occupying half.

Room to grow.

And what's all this pizza and Prosecco?

Oh, I've been having a bit of a hard time.

But I'm trying to stay positive.

This is a Week Of Yes.

Sounds costly.

Well, I'm trying to find an investor.

Your personal expenses are too high.

You are renting a three-bedroom apartment in the city.

I'm bird-nesting with my ex.

Could you nest here?

No.

And to top it off, it's tax season.

Do you want me to bury some stuff?

Sure.

I thought I was clean.

You tell me, but whatever you say,

I don't recall.

[whimsical music]

I wouldn't mind being a little dirty?

Thank you both for coming so last minute.

And how was your day, Jon?

Ah, um, whoa. Painful.

I had to suspend a couple of year-nines

for throwing fruit at some year-sevens.

Oh, rascals. So, what about you, Mum?

How was your day? Have some dip.

What do you want, Ev?

I've decided to let the apartment go.

It's just wasting so much money.

And now that we're mostly here.

But when we're not here, we're there.

What are you proposing, that we all live here together?

Or are you going to put me out in the shed?

No, you couldn't fit a mattress out there.

Could you? No. No, no.

No, I think it would be really nice

if we bird-nested between here and,

yours.

- Oh, Christ. - Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.

I need to pour everything into the business

over the next few months.

I've overextended.

Why'd you move offices, if you can't afford it?

Because fortune favours the brave, Jon.

And I'm trying to be a "Yes" boss.

When I shop at Costco,

I use that second room as a store room.

It's not a pantry, Mum.

Come on, Jon.

It's not as if you're seeing anyone.

Well...

I suppose, if it's only for the short term, then.

What about me? What if I'm seeing someone?

[scoffs] Don't be ridiculous.

Kym, my memoir writing teacher.

Good for you, Ginny. That's great.

Um, that is an abuse of power.

I'm only fractionally older.

His power, not yours. He's your teacher, your superior.

Imagine if Jon was rooting his students. [laughs]

That would be illegal, so...

[Alex and Vivian giggling]

Vivian!

Hi, I'm Evelyn, Alex's mum.

Yeah, I know.

- Hi, Mr. Cooper. - Hey, Vivian.

Ginny, this is Vivian.

- Hello, there. - Hi.

Oh, my God.

- Is this you? - Yeah.

- Mm. - [Vivian] Adorable.

[Evelyn] Are you going to take?

What are you guys studying?

[Alex and Vivian laughing]

Sexy little minx, isn't she?

They should probably keep the door open, right?

Yeah.

When do you want to move in?

Tomorrow. I've already given notice.

[upbeat music]

- Are you done yet? - No.

- [woman] Oh, my God. - Luce!

I love the new space.

- Oh, it's so impressive. - I know.

Are you sure your office is big enough?

Well, the rent sure is.

[Paul] Hey, Lucy. Evelyn told me you're on leave.

Oh, yeah. Just taking some time off.

Focusing on the fam for a bit.

Can I colour code the rest of your books?

Yeah. Oh, no.

Apparently, it's a sign of weakness

or moral decay or something. What do you want, Paul?

I missed lunch 'cause of the late meeting.

So, I was thinking Thai Friday.

No.

- Thai Friday? - No.

Week Of Yes.

Okay.

- What's Week Of Yes? - [Paul] Woo! Thai Friday.

It's a very expensive exercise

of me trying to be a better boss,

and they're exploiting it. Fucking assholes

Hmm. That's very self-helpy of you.

Yeah, I can't afford to lose any more staff.

You won't. You're an excellent boss.

'Whoman' is launching tonight.

And, I'm just,

I'm feeling really, really freaked out.

But I'm trying to be a beacon of positivity.

Is that what you're calling it?

Seriously, I wouldn't worry.

It'll be a cheap imitation.

Cheap? No, no, they've spent millions.

They're on bus sides.

I mean, what if they're, what if they're really brilliant?

What if they're funny and clever?

And I'm never going to get an investor.

Tell me on the way. We have a date.

- Remember? - [Evelyn] What? No. Where?

Pap smear clinic.

We organised it last week at lunch.

What? When we were day drinking and carb loading?

Can we go and do that again?

We're both overdue.

What a gift to be able to smear together as friends.

[Evelyn laughing]

Oh, you are a genius.

Can you increase that booking?

I mean, it's not a restaurant.

- But I'll try. - Just wait here.

We are all going to get Pap smears.

- Okay. - Not you, Paul.

The best part about it is that we're going to live blog it, on the site.

No one's ever done that before, have they?

That's actually really smart.

Yeah, it's fucking cool. I'll do it.

Yeah, that's brilliant.

No, it sounds like a HR nightmare.

Well Lucy's on the phone to the clinic now, so...

Pap smear party, here we come.

[upbeat music]

Hey. Sorry.

"I got Papped." What does that mean?

Oh, I got a Pap smear.

Ah, well. [chuckles] Good for you.

That's it. Screening's important.

Whether you're sexually active or not.

It feels good, doesn't it?

A Pap smear?

No, um...

Doing something sensible.

Something you wouldn't normally want to do, like,

um, going to the dentist.

I mean, I hate the dentist.

Same.

But I've got sensitive teeth.

[man] We do things that we know will hurt us.

[elevator door opening]

[man] Is this you?

Three? Yeah, it's me.

Do you mean good pain?

Well, all pain is good

and sometimes we hurt ourselves, intentionally.

I just went to the gym and hurt myself and it felt good.

Well, goodnight.

- Go and hurt yourself. - Maybe, I will.

[door opening]

- Hey, Mum. - Hi.

Who's workout guy, from the fourth floor?

Simon.

He lives alone.

You interested?

He gets his groceries delivered.

No, he's just the first person I've seen here under 70.

You can't stay in, watching bonnet dramas all the time.

Why not?

Oh, because you're too young

and you're too beautiful to stay in.

And Kym's coming over.

I was thinking of going somewhere.

Where?

- The 'Whoman' launch. - [Ginny chuckles]

-But... -No buts about it. Get up, you're going.

I'm not, I'm not officially invited.

[Ginny] That's even better. Got nothing to wear.

Well, you'll wear something fabulous of mine.

This is your Scarlet O'Hara moment.

"Gone With The Wind" is kind of frowned upon now, Mum.

["Forever" by HAIM playing]

[Peter] Ev.

I didn't expect to see you here.

[Evelyn chuckles]

No, neither did I.

Christine invited me.

Well, after your TV appearance the other day.

I think it's a smart move on your part.

What do you mean?

Nothing. Just optics.

I'm not threatened, Peter.

No, of course not.

You thrive on competition, remember?

Survival of the fittest.

I think this is going to be good for you.

Besides you've got a loyal readership.

Loyalty's a thing of the past.

A bit like free parking in the city.

- Willow. - [Willow] Hi.

Hey.

Hi, Evelyn Jones.

I love your brand.

Willow Russell. It's lovely to meet you.

We were just talking about you.

Today's Pap smear live blog. It was incredible.

Thanks.

Whoa, wait a second, you live-blogged a Pap smear?

Not mine. I've had children.

[Willow laughing]

One of my writers, she volunteered.

Well, I thought it was brilliant.

I hope it made a splash.

It did. It went viral.

Oh. What interesting timing, Ev.

Delaying a Pap smear can be fatal, Peter.

- Indeed. - [Willow] Absolutely.

My mother died of cervical cancer, so...

- Oh, well, I'm so sorry. - Thank you.

Well, on that note, excuse me.

You know, her little skincare brand's about to go global.

- Interesting. - [Christine] Ev?

Oh, Christine.

I didn't expect to see you here.

Uh, no. Well, um...

I invited her.

[Christine] I'm glad you did.

Congratulations.

Oh thank you. Congratulations, to you.

I hear the new office is super fancy.

Mm, it's fancy. Yeah.

And it's super empty.

Well, you should sublease some desk space.

They call it hot-desking.

I know some boys who have launched a finance startup

and they're looking for space.

I'm on a board with their fathers.

Finance boys, who have fathers on a board,

well, they sound so nice.

You ready for your big speech?

Yeah, I can't wait.

- Bye. - Knock 'em dead.

Good to see you. Enjoy my party!

Do you think she'll explain how to pronounce 'Whoman'?

["Good Life" by Inner City playing]

[quietly] Okay...

Ah...

Christine, you alright?

What are you doing here?

Because I didn't invite you.

And Peter didn't invite you, so...

I mean, we should have invited you,

but I didn't think you'd come, so. [laughs]

[Christine breathing heavily]

Is this a panic attack?

I've never had one.

Ah, Christine, are you ready?

Yeah. Just two seconds.

[Christine panting]

[Whoman Launch Host] Christine, they're calling for you.

Alright, just wait a sec.

I can't, I can't, I can't go out there.

I can't, I can't speak to a room full of people, um...

They'll all be looking at me and I...

And what do I do with my hands?

What do you do with your hands, when you give speeches?

Um, I don't know.

What if you were right?

What if I'm not creative?

What if I'm a follower?

Can you say something?

I'm still trying to work out what I do with my hands.

- What if it's a monumental flop? - [door knocking]

- [Whoman Launch Host] Christine? - Fuck off, she's coming!

You want the truth?

This is the harsh reality.

You don't have a choice.

This thing's bigger than you.

It could fail.

Sure. It's risky.

But don't let that stop you.

You wanted this.

Don't fuck it up because you're scared.

There's a whole room full of people,

drunk on cheap wine, waiting to hear you speak.

Not me, not Peter,

you.

I don't trust you.

I don't trust you, either.

But I know you can do this.

[Christine sighs]

I don't have a choice.

Can you just wait here for a minute?

Sure.

[slow tense music]

[sighing]

[toilet flushing]

[water running]

I couldn't have done this without you.

["Sweet Jane" by The Velvet Underground playing]

♪ Standin' on the corner ♪

♪ Suitcase in my hand ♪

♪ Jack is in his corset Janey's in her vest ♪

♪ And me, I'm in a rock 'n' roll band ♪

♪ Huh ♪

♪ Sweet Jane, whoa ♪

[Evelyn sighs]

♪ Sweet Jane, whoa ♪