All language subtitles for Spermageddon

TO VEGAR

Valhalla. Avalon. Shangri-la.

Nirvana. Paradise.

The Golden Place has many names,
but the road to it is full of dangers.

But for the warrior, the journey is
at least as important as the destination.

This is your destiny.
This is what you live for.

And if you make it,
you are assured a place in history.

You become a god.

But should you fail...

...well, you're screwed.

Because even if there is only
one way to paradise...

...there are an infinite number of ways
to the grave.

And none of them are pleasant.

Imagine the worst form of torture,
and then take that times ten.

You can also be buried alive.

Or you could be imprisoned
in some kind of plastic cup.

Yes, and then you always have
the option of being executed.

This is just the tip of the penis mountain.

We have even heard rumors that they
using our pain, our life and death

-as pure entertainment.

Should any of you happen to find your way
to the egg yolk

-this does not necessarily mean victory
- far from it!

Then comes the most difficult task of all.
Then comes the egg cell wall itself.

And you can't just crash through it,
you can only get through it if you're worthy.

If it is written in the bullets
that you are the one to penetrate

-to become one with the light.

And that is precisely why you are doomed
to fail, Olle Semon Sprut!

The most incompetent sperm cell I've had
during my career at the Knulliversity!

Instead of listening to my talk
on ejaculation and the excellence of the vagina.

-you are reading...
What the hell does it say? "The body"?

What kind of filth are you reading about
in my class?!

All that matters are two parts
of the body: the scrotum and the vagina.

So why bother with the rest? After all, this is where
life begins, the rest is just dead meat.

Professor, with all due respect.

The rest of the body is connected
with the vagina and scrotum.

Intestinal system, blood vessels, nervous system, heart
and the brain. Perhaps especially the brain.

-I'm trying to understand the big picture
-Heart? Intestines?

Do you think they have any importance
for reproduction?

How would you fertilize a liver?
Or a bowel? How?

You are seed, Semon.
You are unlimited potential.

So be the best seed you can be.

-Okay, then. Oh my god...
-Here. -Here. Good luck with the brainfucking.

Did you see the drawing?

One problem remains:
You have to get through the egg wall, too.

I don't get the point, Cumilla. I am
one of thousands of millions of sperm cells.

Why should I think
that I have any chance?

-Good job on the lesson, jam pearl.
-Thanks, it wasn't a big effort...

I was being ironic, of course. That was bad.
You're dragging down our cut, you sheet stain!

Touch Semon again and I'll rip your tail off
tail and shove it up your ass

-so that you die
from coming in your own butt hole!

What the hell, give me a break! I was just kidding!

-Jizzes! A bit too cocky perhaps?
-You have to believe in yourself, Semon.

There is a difference between faith
and delusions of grandeur.

-Do you have a choice?
-We don't have to go out.

We can only stay here in the scrotum.

-Stay here in the scrotum?
-Yes. Stay here in the scrotum!

Here in the scrotum, here we are fine

Here in the scrotum, you are good and happy!

There are no condoms here
and there are no diaphragms

Here you cannot be licked up
by a woman or a man

Straight swings

is in the scrotum!

-But Semon, don't you want to try to be something?
-Why? -Why? We're fine where we are.

Here in the scrotum of the guy called Jens

A young man without any pussy intelligence

Never goes out on the town,
never tries a party drug

No, he'd rather play computer games
and eat a cold pirogue

He is the king

over the scrotum!

-Hey, don't you get it?
-What?

Here in the scrotum it has gone too far

Here in the scrotum it has become too crowded!

Here everything clumps together
and it stinks of old krill

No, I'm not going to stay,
I don't care what you want

Because I have to

out of your wallet!

Let's get a move on, then. Come on, let's go!

But who knows what awaits
in an unfamiliar climate?

I defy all dangers
with a faithful cumrat

But what if someone swallows us
as if we were soda pop!

That's what you have to expect
when you live under a task

Quite impressive choreography!

If they stick to singing and dancing
there's nothing to worry about.

It's when they want to steer the whole ship
that we are in trouble.

Steer the whole ship? That's never going to
happen. The purse cannot think long-term.

They're just lurking around, dumb as cones.
Oh, now I'm craving ice cream!

We passed the point of puberty.
A long time ago...

What? And you're just telling me this now?
Have we passed?

Have you had it confirmed? By several people?
Was there a meeting I missed, or?

-Here in the scrotum I always want to live
-Here in the scrotum everything is too familiar

-Here in the scrotum I have my friends
-Nothing interesting is happening

-There's no dancing out there
-Every now and then you have to take a chance

So believe in yourself,
a sperm cell sprouted

Here in

scrotum!

-This should be fun, right, Jens?
-Nice to get away from the fossils for a weekend.

There are few things that beat that.
- Am I right or wrong, Jens?

-Yes, daddy.
-What are you going to do in the cottage, then? Hajka?

Yes, perhaps.

-Maybe go fishing? Play Monopoly? Hide and seek?
-Draw? Painting? Go on a treasure hunt?

-Putting the squeeze on the pig? Shoot bottles?
-Throw horseshoe? Break an arm?

-Evoke evil spirits with a séance!
-Flip through old newspapers and laugh!

Or pretend that one of you
is multi-disabled!

Nah, it will probably be like last year.
Watch movies, play some games.

Oh, come on. Games and movies?
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Fucking nerd, man.

That's not what happened
when we were young and in heat. The hell it didn't!

Do you remember that cabin trip?
How pissed I got?

-It's not worth sharing with Jens.
-I got so drunk!

-Peter, we don't tell Jens these things...
-I threw up all over the cabin!

And shit on me too. Do you remember?
Literally, I shit my pants!

-Peter, that's enough.
-Then I would get in the car.

That's when we hit the neighbor's dog.
I didn't see it, I was drunk as shit.

It died on the spot.
The intestines and everything just floated out.

-That's when the cops showed up.
-Yes, that's right.

I actually got
two months in prison for that.

But damn, it was great!
It's just not cool anymore.

The youth of today are so woke.
"Not me, I'm politically correct!"

-Peter!
-But look how you drive!

lightly salted, lightly salted, barbecue chips,
sour cream and onion, barbeque... Najs.

Hello...

Here you have the backpack
with clothes and sleeping bag.

I almost forgot...
Your bag full of teenage snacks:

-Sugar, cheese curds and lots of soft drinks.
-Thank you, daddy. - Mom!

-Peter.
-Yes, I will.

-JO, Jens...
-Hello, sweetheart.

-There was one more little thing.
-Yeah?

There's something I should have said earlier, but...

-You know how it is with flowers and bees?
-What?

Flowers need pollen from another flower
flower to... To reproduce.

-Is it true? That's crazy.
-Didn't you know that?

No, I thought flowers
just popped out of the ground, like.

But now I think ... Are you stupid?
Did you really think that?

The boy flowers, they are helped by the bees

-by putting pollen
into the girl flowers.

They often do it for fun. It's not
they're not always keen on a baby flower.

-Why are you bringing this up now?
-Anyway...

The point is that bees do not necessarily
want the best for the flowers.

So then the flower must dominate the bees.
It is the flower that is the boss.

Is it a metaphor?

Because if you're talking about sex, I've been
watching hardcore porn since I was 13.

Then of course you know everything
about this little rascal too.

Hard candy. Or rubber, funnel, sausage skin,
poop bag, or condom.

They say it's like eating caramel
with the paper on, but you know what?

I think it tastes better
with paper on it.

-Would you like some?
-No thanks, Dad.

All right, Jense-man. Have fun
and don't do anything I wouldn't do.

Seriously. Do not do it.

-Well, guys.
-What happened, then?

-Hi, Jens.
-Where are the girls?

-They arrived yesterday.
-I guess we'd better get moving.

We can't leave the girls alone,
there are moose here. Lisa has moose phobia.

Hey, Semon. Why don't we go away and practice
some swimming this weekend? Work on your technique.

I can show you Jizzmo's training program.

I just got the new Cum of Duty.
And it's supposed to be awesome!

It features Open Vulva Zero-Fuck Exploration
and free-to-play butthole-royal mode.

You can't just play games. You have to
acquire skills in the real world.

Cumilla. Please chill.

The odds of us getting to the egg first
are one in many billions.

And speaking of Jizzmo, we both know who will
the victory when that day comes.

-Why pretend otherwise?
-At least Jizzmo has the right attitude.

-He is cool and nice...
-He's definitely not cool!

Look at them, the little meatheads.

Insects, bugs.

Millions of little worms running around
like they mean something in this world.

"You can be anything you want,
as long as you believe in yourself!"

Yeah, right! What's next?

Maybe we should vote on which seed
to win the race - with a choice!

No, it doesn't. Victory goes to the one who
masters the game in all its dimensions.

It is not enough to use the tail.
You also need to use your head.

-The head, yes...
-The head.

After Spermageddon
you will take over this empire.

After I, as your chosen one,
have fertilized the egg.

So let me introduce the innovation
that will help me on my way.

The 9000 ejaculator!

The 9000 ejaculator has everything it takes
to win.

Egg cell detector,
double defense shields against spermicides

bladder-penetrating projectiles,
chainsaw gloves

-and last but not least...

...twin propellers.

Mr. Jizzmo. Not to be a bore,
but... isn't that a bit cheating?

It's not cheating if you don't get caught.

Allow me to demonstrate.
- Activate demonstration program!

Demonstration program activated.

Mr. Kläggnäs. Swim towards me. Come on, Mr. Kläggnäs.

-Right at me. Faster, faster.
-No... -No...

Activates anti-competitive weapon system.

- Ten, nine, eight, seven, six...
-Yeah, that's impressive, but...

- ...five, four, three, two, one.
-You can't turn it off, or...?

No!

Anyone else have thoughts
on what approach we should take?

Excellent.

-Hello, son of Erigerik! Is everything alright?
-Yes, everything is fine.

-Nothing suspicious here, on the whole.
-Well!

Swim calmly!

Guys, we've all noticed it.
The frequency of the erections.

And all that damn masturbation.

Jens, our boy, is guaranteed to come,
100 percent sure, with zero reservations

-To have sex very soon.
Get laid, roll in the hay

-roast beard steak, copulate,
dance the bed polka, beat the beaver

-make love, shake the sheets,
dipping the fat, watering the bacon rose

-tumbling in the bed straw
playing hide-and-seek with sausages...

Fuck?

Yes, straw seed. Fuck.

And soon we'll be out of the bag, each and every one of us.

Everything is timed and ready. Spermageddon
is approaching, and we need to be ready.

This can be overthrown.
And the more we are, the stronger we are.

But there is only room
for one of us in the egg.

Correct. And I have a plan:

-Triplets!
-Tri... What did you say?

I have heard from reliable sources, Flensmark,
that the egg is designed as such, that...

-Bet? Sats!
-Yes, Vulva-Marie?

I've baked a sponge cake again. Anyone who
want to try it? It turned out really good.

-Yes, thank you. Just put it outside.
-You say that every time.

Now I've been slaving away in the kitchen
while you men just keep on...

As I said: I have heard from reliable sources
that the egg is designed as such

-that just when someone penetrates,
it's open to any number of people.

Nirvana for all!

Triplets, guys! Triplets!

Klimax, Erigeriksson! Klimax!

It would be great if we could borrow one.

-Hey, guys! Damn, you're tough.
-I thought you would have died on the way up.

It's funny. Well! Glad you wanted to join us.

Then you can also carry some.
Equality and so on.

Red light! It's flashing!
What's happening?!

-Just a blown fuse.
-That was not "just a fuse"!

Can't we just go home?
We can watch a movie! Play Fortnite!

It's just a matter of rebooting.
We can do this. We are the brains.

-Remember: The brain is the star.
-The brain is the star

There you go.

Well, Jens.

-Eh... Hey, hey, Lisa!
-Do you need an extra hand?

No, no. I have two already.

That's Jens. The geek who only thinks about
Star Wars, Lord of the Rings and gejming.

You just think of Star Wars,
Lord of the Rings and gejming.

I know...

-I know, I know...
-Lisa? Lisa?

-God, how I hate nature.
-Do you need a soda, Karl-Henrik?

-I brought for everyone.
-What are we going to eat?

We can have fries for dinner,
maybe with a little ketchup.

-Oh no!
-You were responsible for the soda, you cunt!

What the hell happened?
My dad must have given me the wrong bag.

-No, no, no. This is a disaster.
-Jens has already sabotaged the whole cabin trip.

-Sabotaged? What do you mean?
-What do you have there?

One, two, three
You're a whore, just like my mom is...

Rosalita!

All right, all right!
Rosalita, you may... cluck like a hen!

Right.

Okay, let's go again, then.

-Jens
-Jens, you have to...

...make out!

With...Lisa!

Make out! Make out! Make out!

Well, I guess I can do that.
But it's a bit up to Lisa too.

-What the hell is it now?
-All the blood is draining from the brain.

Nothing works. Where does all the blood go?

A brain without blood is brain dead!
I'm pushing all the buttons!

-The whole system is going haywire!
-Yes, you said it: everything is going to hell.

What the...? My gum.

They say potatoes are not healthy,
but it's a vegetable, after all.

Hey, would you like to go out for a walk, maybe?
Or get some fresh air?

Fresh air, it's really nice, you know.
It's life, you know. It's nice.

It makes you wonder if they have photosynthesis
on other planets too, or if...

Is he retarded? Have we made out with
a retarded guy? Or was it humor?

Difficult to determine. The alcohol has started
seeping into all the instruments here...

-Oh dear! No!
-We'll have to take our chances, then.

prerequisite for all life.

Okay, okay, okay. Come on, then.

-So great to see you again, Jens.
-You too.

Too bad you're only home in the summer.

Yes, he did. Tell that to Dad, he was the one
who wanted to take the job in Stockholm.

I can tell him to get his act together.

He can't drag his family around the country
every year as a circus worker.

Take it a little piano with that one maybe.

Four beers. Four, man! I've never had
had this much to drink before.

No? I drink beers all the time.
Had a couple for breakfast, actually.

OK, then.

Lisa, I have something
I'd like to say to you.

Ever since last summer,
when we were hanging out and having a great time

-and kissed and all that,
I've been thinking about you a lot.

-I see.
-quite a lot, actually.

-Is that true?
-Yes, I have.

-That was fun. What about you?
-Yes?

Honestly, Jens, I...
I haven't thought shit about you, me.

I see. I understand 100%, Lisa.

-Why would you do that?
-Jens! I'm making fun of you!

All right, all right! Oh, shit!
Damn, you have a sick sense of humor.

I've been thinking a lot about you too.
And there's one more thing.

-Which I've been thinking about.
-I see. What's that?

And that is...

All right!

It is happening! It's happening now!
The spray is close!

The moment I've been preparing for
in my whole life!

What's going on?
Cock help us!

-Can you just...?
-Yes, of course.

Let's see... Whoa!

Now it's almost... Wait a minute...

Ouch!

-Shit! Did it go well?
-Yeah. -Yeah. I've heard that love is blind.

-Oh...
-Do you like them?

Yes...

Real bubbles.

Do you want to touch them?

I...

Initiates Spermagedadon.
This is not an exercise.

All sperm capable of swimming
should make their way to the Ejaculation Temple.

This is the fattest thing
I have ever experienced!

- Penetration initiate.
-Yes, herrekuk!

What the hell are you doing?
Can't you hear the signal?

-It has started! He's fucking! For real!
-Cumilla!

-They're gonna fuck soon! -Yeah.
-Cumilla, I'm in the middle of something.

- Perfect cum shot! Intercourse cleared!
-Yes!

Cumilla! I had just fertilized
childless Barbara. She's like infertile!

-Watch where you're going!
-That was the worst.

-Are you okay?
-Yes, I'm fine. I'm going to...

What do you want?

I have never... Well, as I said...
It's my first time.

Yes, it is. Mine too.

All right, Viking.
Now take out your axe and cleave me!

What is it?

No, I... Isn't that what they say?
At least they did on Pornhub.

Yes, of course. You are right about that.

-Would you like to taste my big cock?
-Yes, like that!

Do you feel like getting it
in your tight little pussy?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Stick your dick in me!
I've been dreaming about your dick all day!

-Have you? I'll fuck you!
-Yes!

I will fuck you hard.
I'll fuck you until you burst!

-Shit.
-A little too much, perhaps.

God, maybe we should just stop talking.

Here you go. Put this on.

-Oh! Shit! Are you alright?
-Yeah. -Yeah. So fucking typical.

Okay, zero stress. I can help you.

-There. There you go.
-Then it was on, yes.

The big release is here! Every seed
for himself, ejaculate whoever can!

Gentlemen's splash!

Come on, Semon! Don't be so slow!

Jizzes, they've got Starspunks in the center.
Why don't we have a fart shake first, then?

It might be the only chance we get.
We need to carp the penis now!

We should not wait until there is not
so much congestion, then? Okay, okay...

Initiates Spermageddon. This is not
a drill. All swimmable sperm...

Which road is it?

I don't care if I end up in a fucking
toilet roll, that is! I'll just pour it on!

The whole system is short-circuited.
Nothing works!

We are no longer in charge.

From now on, we are slaves
to the cerebellum. A.k.a. the dick.

Everything is dead! Brain dead!

Today - today is the day

The day we have been waiting for all these days

The biggest day of all

So big that all other days
become tiny

The day that is so indescribably great

So indescribable that I find no words

Spermageddon

The day Jens gets laid

Spermageddon

The day the pill bug finds
the pill bug's gold

Oh yeah!
We are going to inject the uterus full

Today the cock will be devoured
with hair and with holes

Spermageddon, Spermageddon

Spermageddon, Spermageddon

Today - today is the day

The day that is truly unique and special

We are injected into the stomach

so Jens and Lisa
can create more of themselves

Sweet splashes, holy splashes

Now it's time to fuck
until the scrotum is finally flat!

Spermageddon

The day Jens doesn't fall for it

Spermageddon

The day he gets to treat the world to his batter

It's every grain for itself,
it's win or lose

because now Jens has pushed the whole vein in!

Spermageddon, Spermageddon

Cum... Cum...

Pre-cum-munkarnal!
As the prophecy foretold!

Erectus kukus orgasmicus ejakulaticus
knullus fittus me-dickus, amen.

-What happens here, then?
-They sacrifice themselves, lubricate the tube and vagina.

-Blessed anointed monks.
-Come on, you rabbits!

It's high time to even out the odds a bit.

-Please, stop! Cumilla!
-What the hell are you doing?

-Semon, let me go!
-Cumilla! It's too dangerous, stop!

Wait a minute!

Let me in! Open the door!

Oh! Spermageddon!

I have halved
the number of opponents for you.

Survival in the pussy.
You can thank me later.

-I'm coming.
-What?

I'll be there!

Hold on, hold on! I am ready!

I've been training all my life for this!
Wait for me!

Yabba dabba doo!

Wait a minute!

Spermageddon, Spermageddon

Spermageddon, Spermageddon

Mr. Rubber. Say hello to Mr. Chainsaw!

Spermageddon!

Yay!

Intercourse carried out.

Maybe not quite what we expected,
given all the research on the internet...

Was it as good for you
as it was for me?

At least as fast for me
as it was for you.

It was because I hit my eye.

As everyone knows, swollen tear ducts are
are directly linked to premature ejaculation.

You, by the way? When you came...
Did you seriously say "yabba dabba doo"?

No, I did not say that. I don't think I said that.

"Extra thick rubber."
I think we can rest assured.

Cheating bastards!

Well, anyway, I have with me
a little secret weapon.

Just in case, that is.

Toothpaste, yes. It is important
to take care of your teeth when...

I see. I see what you mean.

You can't get pregnant
the first time you have sex either, right?

That would have sucked.

What is it? Is this it? Have we been hooking up
this since we were an itch in Jen's balls?

There you go...

Game on!

This is horrible!

Remember, guys:
It's a marathon, not a sprint.

We lay low, and when we get the chance,
we'll take the egg. Cum again, get a move on!

Oh, my jizz!

That's insane.
Jizzmo, that he could do something like that.

-So un-comfortable!
-Jizzmo? You are just unbelievable!

You are terrified of being ejaculated.

But to take it out on the rest of us,
who are actually trying to do something?

All right, all right. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, okay, okay. All right, all right, all right.

So I'm the bad guy here?

Did you see what he did?
He could have killed us both!

Jizzmo did what he had to do to get
to the egg. To reach his goal.

-The goal everyone in here shares!
-Cumilla

Who knows when Spermageddon will happen
next time? If it ever happens again.

Do you understand? We could be stuck here.
For fucking ever!

Don't say that, Cumilla.
There will be new opportunities.

Do not lose hope.
There is light at the end of the urethra. Come on, come on, come on!

These things happen. Don't let it suck the life
out of you. There's probably a trigger on it.

Cumilla? Cumilla?

Cumilla? Cumilla!

Yes, yes.

Thanks for a fuck-tastic evening!
Well...

Oh yes. Good night.

Dear the Force.
Thanks for a fucking great fuck.

Let me sleep well now,
in the name of Baby Yoda.

What are you doing?

Uh... It didn't feel
like we were completely done.

Really?
Because I'm completely exhausted here.

I was really tired and exhausted. I think
it's best if we get a good night's sleep...

Wow, that's good too.

My consent is hereby given!

Initiates Spermageddon. This is not
a drill. All swimmable sperm...

One more chance!
Not everyone gets that.

What lucky flensostar!

And this time it's just us,
créme de Ila créme. Ooh! Now it's happening!

Oh, my God, gonorrhea!
There must be something wrong.

Resurrection!

People, look! Come on, let's go!
We get one more chance! Amen! Amen!

Yes, of course!

Cumilla!

Let's get spraying!

Wait, wait, wait! Stop! Stop!

Shit! Sorry.
Oh my God, I completely forgot. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

It's not a problem. Just my own putty taste
in my mouth. Totally chill.

Hey, sorry. I only had with me
a condom, did you...?

-Yes, of course.
-Okay.

This scaffolding.
I saw it online. Super popular.

-I have also seen it. It's classic.
-Yes, it is.

Be careful not to bite the condom itself.

Does it look like I don't know
what I am doing?

-Can you even see with those eyes?
-Well... I see enough.

Is it nice, or what?

Well, uh... Exciting.

-But is that okay?
-Eh, yes.

-Yes, fortunately you're not that big.
-What did you say?

No, nothing. Go for it!

-I don't want to!
-We have to get out!

-Go ahead, Semon. This is our chance.
-I don't want to!

I'll be there!

Yabba dabba doo!

Our boy is working hard today!

Remember the rules of morality. Ouch!
It's never too late to turn back!

I am so proud!
I wish I could see myself now!

-What is that?
-Someone is literally starving.

Someone's bag has chewed a hole in my condom!
Come on, swim on. This is it, damn it!

-Hey, wait a minute!
-But they'll beat you to it!

-Something is not right.
-I've had enough of your sabotage.

If you are a little coward, so be it.
But don't drag the rest of us down with you!

Cumilla! Does this even look right?

Does it look like what we learned in school?

Semon is right,
something is not right here.

It almost smells a little... sulfur.
Like something's burning, or...

-Hello, folks!
-Hello, Sarreman.

Good to see you. It's just a matter of getting on with it.
The first one to the egg gets to strike.

Stay back! I saw it first,
it's my egg! Sarreman's beloved egg!

-Wait!
-No! Don't you fucking touch...

-That's not the egg!
-Towards Valhalla!

Suck it, losers!

-What is that?
-I don't know, but if I had to guess...

-May.
-Va? Corn?

-What a thing!
-Yes, it was great.

Yes. Oh my God, that's it.

You are not as innocent
as you look, Jens. Dirty boy!

What is it?

-What do you really mean?
-You've been watching a lot of Pornhub.

-Now I don't quite get it.
-Anal sex. The first time you have sex.

-Wait. Anal sex? Did we have anal sex? Now?
-Yes. -Yes.

I thought you liked Star Wars, but you
seem to be into Lord of the Rings.

-But why didn't you say anything?
-No, I...thought you knew the difference.

I didn't see anything,
so I just stepped in it...

"Trampled it in"?

But maybe we should wait a bit
to do that again.

-It's okay. Thumbs up for me.
-Super.

-Good night then, Lisa.
-Good night, Jens.

You clearly said "yabba dabba doo"
this time.

We are in deep shit. Quite literally.

Not quite what I expected,
but nevertheless beyond all expectations.

It reminds me of my third orphanage.

Cumilla, I'm sorry I chickened out
earlier, and for putting us here.

-That was really the last thing I wanted.
-It's okay. Sorry for yelling.

You saved us all.
And we're still in the game!

As Jizzmo would say:
Where there are holes, there is hope.

-Look at that.
-Pussy juice! What is it?

What in scientific terms
is called poop. Shit. excrement Manure.

Trash. Shit. Dung.

It fills the whole gut. Sooner or later
it will come loose, and we will be expelled.

-Where will we end up?
-In no man's land.

Where neither seeds nor egg cells can live.

Yes, yes, yes. As my late doctor would have
said: It's never too late to give up!

Can't a poor gut bacterium
get to take a nap?

-What the...? What kind of weirdo are you?
-Me? I'm not weird.

I am very ordinary. You can find me
thousands of me, in every corner of the world.

I'm an E. coli, buddy

I'm actually quite popular

And I live in the butt-stump
Felt my stink? You've got the bomb

But I can, if I want to,
also take a trip out

If people don't wash their hands
I can kill them, because it's fun!

And no, they do not have to
touch poop directly even once

Because I lay down on my food
and chill all day long

Before anyone can even count to three,
life becomes a living hell

Oh dear! Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I've been waiting for a good
poop avalanche. Finally, something is happening here.

We must take cover.
We'll die if we stay here.

-Why don't you just leave?
-Where can we go?

Duh! Further up the gut.

Last time I checked, it was blocked
by a massive amount of feces.

You just have to chew your way through it.

Someone might want to call me
a bit of a pervert

because I'd rather have a turd
than a glass of ice cold beer

Yes, it tastes so good,
the best I know

It tastes a thousand times better than cake
for a real shit gourmet, nam-nam!

I can't control myself,
it tastes so good

I eat everything that is served,
but I prefer not to eat corn

Because honestly, it tastes like shit

Well, apart from
that shit tastes good, yummy!

Incredibly cool guy!
And he can sing.

If I remember correctly...
The bowel goes up and in, right?

And up there where all the poop is created,
piss is also created.

-Piss? What is it?
-Piss? Well...

Yes, it's a kind of dance music that sounds like
ba-ba-bing, ba-ba-boing. Oink-oink.

No! These are organic and inorganic substances
that are excreted through the kidneys.

-also known as urine.
-Semon, you're such a fucking nerd!

We make our way up to the stomach acid,
make our way through the stomach

-is discharged with the urine
and swims upstream out of the urethra.

Then we make our way into the vagina
and further into the uterus!

To the right hole this time.

Mr. E. coli, maybe you can help us?

Maybe you could chew your way up
through the lump blocking your bowel?

Yes, it's probably not impossible, but...
Then I want a kiss.

Genius! One of you can kiss him
on the ass cheeks, then we can go.

I'm not kissing that disgusting piece of shit
on his fucking jaw, okay?

I was expecting a nougaty flavor,
but it was more umami.

But my first kiss!
One should not complain.

Now you've got what you wanted.
Lead us to the stomach acid.

Yes, relax! No stress.

Okay! Let's get shit-faced!

But it's interesting
to meet new cultures, isn't it?

This was good shit!

What the hell?

Get out of here!

Fucking cream! What do you think you are?

You think you can fuck with me?
That you can stop me?!

-Right for him!
-The cheat pill.

-Which way do we go now, Erigeriksson?
-Not a clue, Flensmark.

Like all men.
I am not an expert on the vagina.

-Don't worry. I'll take care of this.
-How about that!

Let's treat ourselves to a little snack
while we think about it?

You think better on a full stomach.
At least that's what Vulva-Marie says.

Is it ham and fresh cock cheese I see,
or?

Food? Thinking about food now!

Do I have to do everything myself? Is it
too much to ask for you to contribute too?

Damned idiots.
Amateurs! Meatheads!

No! Oh, shit!

Since I don't have rockets
for you all

-we simply have to be
plain old smart.

Hand-breaded flapjacks!
Skewered baby sparrows!

-Thank you, piss pants! Every one of you!
-But Erigeriksson! Calm down!

Get out of the way!

Watch out!

The last one there is a rotten one!

Oh no! Power seed!

It hurts in the chest.
I think something hit me, guys.

-I feel salty. Am I dying?
-I'll be honest: you've looked better.

Do you think there is
a cereal heaven, boss?

-Do you think I'll go to heaven now?
-Yes, if you find any comfort in that.

Can you tell Vulva-Marie something for me?

Yes, yes, yes. What do you want to say?
Spit it out. Anything at all!

Tell her she has to stop serving

-that sugar cookie every damn time.

No! Not like this...!

Flensmark.
There has been a change in the plan.

So, what?

Twins.

Twins?

-Oh, shit!
-You okay, Mr. E. coli?

I think I just ate something weird.

The most disgusting thing I've ever tasted.
I think it was...

-... food!
-Food? But that must mean...

The poop percentage is coming down.
We are approaching the stomach.

Imagine that! The books were right!
The butt is connected to the stomach.

-We did it!
-Hurrah!

Okay, dear sperm. Goodbye!
And who knows? Maybe I'll see you again out there.

If you're bad at washing your hands
or get a taste for rimming!

-What is rimming?
-He who lives will see, Semon!

Thank you for your help, Mr. E. coli!

This place is even bigger than
Pung City's biggest amusement park, Jizzneyland!

-What is this?
-This is butt juice that...

...well, boiled down to poop.

No, this is the stomach acid.

This is where the body breaks down
all the nutrients it takes in.

Do you see the shaft?
That's where the food comes from.

And up there somewhere
is the head and the mouth.

Mouths, yes. The mouth.
The torso's answer to the vagina.

If we manage to get across there in one piece

-then we can follow the urethra
down to the real hole.

Semon. You are absolutely incredible!

So all we need is a vessel?

Why does the boat smell of tuttifrutti?

There it is! The maelstrom!

-Okay!
-Hope you don't get seasick easily!

-Turn around! -Turn around! Come on, Semon! Swim!
-No! -No! We're on the right track!

It's the famous Vaginagara Falls!
I can't believe we get to see it with our own eyes!

-Shall we go down there?
-Of course we are!

Cumilla!

Ouch!

Ouch!

Come on, Cumilla!

We have to use these weird ropes
and then head over to the vagina!

Use your weight! We gotta swing over!
Swing like old men!

Then the French fry dinner from yesterday
has paid for itself.

Let's go!

-Dick! I think she's finished.
-What the hell has she eaten?

So that was on the pussy hair.

No!

Afterglow!

Occasionally is almost good enough!

A true pleasure to meet you all,
my friends! I love you all so much!

Jens. Hey, wake up.

I slept like a log. Nothing
helps sleep like a good orgasm.

- Am I right, or am I right?
-Jo då.

Get dressed. We can't waste
a day like this in bed.

-Yes, I can.
-Come on!

-With all the genital warts...!
-Has she fucked a smurf or what?

It's a cream of tartar.
It's like icing on a cake

-except that it's not on a cake,
and it kills grain.

Swim! Swim towards nirvana!

Come on, let's pull away from the pack!

It's great fun. But we still have to
catch up to Jizzmo!

They don't give up, do they? Unusually tough.

Well, well! We'll have to throw in the
the towel for them, then.

-Flensmark! Watch out!
-He missed! -He missed!

No!

So long, suckers!
Next stop: the egg cell station.

They are faster than us!

Professor!

Make me proud, Semon and Cumilla!

-Find the light and make me proud!
-No!

And know that I died doing
what I love - to live!

You're on your own now,
Erigeriksson. My old friend...

Old...?
We only met last night.

Go ahead.

Catch up to Jizzmo and conquer the egg,
for both of us. Avenge me!

-We are going to be twins together.
-Nothing to aspire to.

You have to share everything:
Clothes, women, Saturday candy!

You can't leave me now!

Swim, Erigeriksson.
Show us what you're made of, climax brother.

And remember:
He who ejaculates last, ejaculates best.

No...

No!

No! Salty taste!

Semon! Come on, come on, come on.
We can't stop now.

Arriving at the destination
if T-minus 0.1 millimeter.

Yes, indeed. Here it was a uterus.

Shit, that's nice.
It looks like a great computer game.

-Are you ill?
-No, I want to be on the safe side.

-With a view to yesterday. It is best...
-to be absolutely sure.

Isn't that right? Exactly. You get the idea.

-I fully agree.
-Good.

That is something that is missing here.

Computer.
Give me the coordinates of the egg cell.

Oocyte localized.
The oocyte is out of range.

Cause: Vapor projectile activated.

Bitch took a morning-after pill!
Fuck my dick!

If there's one thing I hate, it's people
who change their minds about things!

Computer, I just want to die!

Suicide sequence initiated
if T-minus 30, 29...

- Cancel! Undo, undo!
- Suicide sequence undo.

Come on, let's go! We are getting closer!

-Did we get rid of them, or?
-I don't know!

What kind of overparanoid chick is that

-who use both condoms, spermicides and
and the morning-after pill?

Computer. Give me an estimate of how long
I can survive in this shithole.

Without provisions or recharging
you can hold out for T-minus 32 minutes.

And how long until the
the day-after pill wears off?

The medicine has a half-life
of 43 hours.

43 hours?! But what the hell!

You know why this is happening, right?
It's because of you!

I had a plan! I was prepared!

But one of you amateurs
must have hit a nerve or something!

Fucked with her hormones.
Scared her.

One of you! Or several of you.

But if I'm going to die down here...

...at least I will die alone!

Enforces the eradication
of all sperm cells in three...

No! Stop and seize!

Let go of me!

Let go, you caterpillar!

Give it up! What are you...

Good afternoon! Hello! Buenos dias!
Let's make a baby.

You devil!

See you in the toilet bowl, you goofy bear!

Unfortunately, I don't think I can attend,
but you can tell everyone I know.

-You still think you can beat me?
-With a tail.

Computer. Carry out self-destruction!

Self-destruction is executed
in T-minus 30 seconds.

30, 29, 28, 27, 26...

Where is the egg?

...eight, seven, six, five...

-Climax, Jizzmo.
- ...four, three, two...

...one. Thank you for today.

Shit, it was so damn nice to come
yesterday. I came so fucking hard, I just...

-Was it like that for you too?
-Eh, yes. Or...

-Because you came... when you came. Right?
-Okay.

-I did not come. I don't have to come.
-Of course you have to!

-No, it's not that important to me.
-But it is important to me!

-I want you to come. You have to come!
-Okay.

Well, well, well. Hello!

I... I really want to
fuck again. Fuck you hard and long.

Oh, I've been fantasizing about that dick
all night long.

The lovely, big bathtub cock!

I'll fuck you so hard you'll pass out.
So hard you'll have a double concussion.

Then I'll fuck you even harder.
I'll ride your dick off!

Tear it off and use as a dildo

-while you bleed to death
and watch while I come!

-Okay.
-Yeah...

-Shit. "Bleeding to death"?
-Oh, sorry! That was...

-We'll have to practise that, then.
-Like... Adam and Eve.

Maybe apart from the fact that Adam and Eve
did not have anal sex on the first night.

Yes, that's true.
Well, we can't know that.

Erigeriksson sacrificed himself.

Look at this!

It is not over! Let's go, come on!

Ouch!

What was that? What the hell?

Come on, Cumilla!

Did it go well?

I got it!

-Come on! One last time!
-This is it!

Oh no! Not you!

Burnt fetus...don't shy away from the fire!

Burnt fetus does not shy away from fire!

I am coming! I am coming!

Cumilla!

Oh shit, I'm coming too!
Oh shit, I'm coming too!

Just don't forget to pull out!

Yabba dabba doo!

Oh my!

Help! Help me! Help me! Help me!

-Jens?
-Help, help, help!

Cumilla! Cumilla, help!

-No! Help me!
-Jens!

Jens! Stop! Stop! No! No! No!

Come on, go!

-Jens! Hold it! Hold it! Don't move!
-Help! -Help! No! No! No!

Wasps are yellow and black. Is that all?
Why don't we know anything about wasps?

Let's try a flashback.

- The flower is the boss.
-The flower is the boss! Respect the flower!

Wait a minute!

Let's go!

Jens.

Help your idol fulfill its destiny.

No way!

Arrivederci!

Let's get on with it.

-Oh shit! Are they gone?
-Yes. Did it go well, or?

Yes, it hurts.

-How does it look?
-Eh, yes. It looks good.

I'll just see if I can find something
that can help with... Don't look down!

-You, Jens?
-Mm?

I just want to say
thanks for a fuck-tastic weekend.

Yes, it is. Thank you.

Hey, Cumilla? I just want to say how happy
I am. That I didn't stay in the scrotum.

That I set out on this journey.
With you.

-I...I love you, Cumilla.
-I love you too, Semon.

You know that when we go in there
it's over. The journey is over.

Yes, it has. But what a journey it has been!

-All right. Are you coming?
-I'm coming. -Yeah. Hard.

Yes...

And the samples look great.

You just take this and it starts the
the whole process. Easy as pie.

-How long have you been together?
-Six weeks.

Six weeks, yes.

Then it goes without saying that you are not
ready for this, and that's fine.

-Do you have a job? Apartment?
-No.

-Study?
-I finished high school last spring.

So you have your whole life ahead of you.
Maybe together, maybe not. Who knows?

Next time use protection, okay?

-I was using ...
-And I was also wearing...

Never mind... Is it okay, like...

Lisa, dear, it's very okay.
Yes, it's all right. Because remember:

That even if you snared a pick

and although it may have been rushed

And despite the fact that the egg got a sting
by the man's, uh, caviar

Yes, there is actually help available

Say thanks, but no thanks, thanks anyway

Because if you don't feel it, then

it does not feel good

Everyone can suck, and everyone can fuck

Everybody can jerk off, lick pussy and fuck

Everyone can squeeze out a knot or three

But that doesn't mean it's a good idea

There will soon be ten billion of us on Earth

The meathead who makes a fuss

So let's be clear, folks,
in all seriousness

Maybe some seeds should preferably just die

If it doesn't feel good,
it doesn't feel good

Good to be a mother,
good to become a father

The question can be tricky,
but it has a simple answer

If it doesn't feel good,
it doesn't feel good

That's the way it is. Nothing wrong with that.
It must feel good.

Many a girl has been here,
Have lain on my bench

because lovemaking is often
not always well thought out

Yes, you can be poor,
and you can be rich

but it feels too cumbersome,
open up at our clinic

If it doesn't feel good,
it doesn't feel good

Good to be a mother,
good to become a father

The question can be tricky,
but it has a simple answer

-If it does not feel good
-It does not feel good!

Had an abortion myself once
when I was young and pretty

I was so excited about dick,
but not at all on the little one

And I impregnated a flight attendant
around the year 2005

It was a different time,
when you had to sharpen the crochet hook

If it doesn't feel good,
it does not feel good

Good to be a mother,
good to become a father

-try with a dog first
-Or live together as a couple

But it does not feel good,
no, then it doesn't feel good!

There are so many other things
to waste your life on

Imagine how much good stuff is on Netflix,
the choice is difficult

And you'll be back on your feet in no time,
it's so easy!

And us down here
there are more than enough of us regardless

-Here in the scrotum!
-Sing now, seed!

Here in the scrotum!

Here in the scrotum!

-Oh, here it comes!
-Here in the scrotum!

There will soon be ten billion of us on Earth

The meathead who lives on junk food
and gossip

The question can be tricky,
but it has a simple answer

It does not feel good,

it does not feel good!

No, no, no! It does not feel good!
It doesn't feel good! Oh, baby!

No, you are not ready

It's okay, it's okay

-It doesn't have to feel good!
-Purse, purse, purse, purse, purse, purse

-Does it feel good, or?
-Yes, I think so.

-I'm sorry.
-No, for what?

You are the one who suffers.

You alone have to go through this,
because of what we did.

-But you're here with me.
-all the way.

-Yes, so I'm not alone.
-No.

-So...what do we do now?
-Well, a movie maybe?

Yes! Easy.
How about Lord of the Rings?

I just got the special edition
on blu-ray. Or Star Wars!

-The last one has just come out on UHD.
-Fun!

-What about everyone?
-All of them?

This pill will take two days
to take effect. Why don't we all just plow?

Has anyone ever told you

-that you are the most amazing,
most beautiful girl in existence?

Uh, yeah. Exactly like two seconds ago.

Let's start with Star Wars.
But in what order?

Do we start from the year of production,
or do we start with episode 1?

We can also start from the correct
timeline in the Star VVars universe.

We start with episode 1,
and then we'll jump into Rogue One.

No, then we have forgotten Andor. Andor
is actually a prequel to Rogue One.

And we haven't even gotten to
to the Mandalorian...

Subtitles: Elisabeth Enström
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