Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with a smile?

Who can take a nothing day And suddenly make it all

seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it With each glance and every

movement you show it Love is all around, no need to waste it You can have the

town, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

At last, my true talent has been recognized.

Guess what I've been asked to do for the newspapers?

Deliver them?

Joke all you want, Mary, you can't bug me. I've been asked to write an article

for $200.

An article about what? And why you, if you don't mind my asking? Oh, I don't

mind. If you don't ask, how are you going to learn?

My topic is freedom of the press.

And they chose me as the best -known newsman in the city.

And a newspaper is paying you to write it? 200 clams, Mary.

To assume my rightful place among the giants of journalism.

Ted, you can't even name the giants of journalism, much less take your place

among them. That's where you're wrong, big fella.

Name two.

Well, there's Woodward Bernstein for one.

who was very insightful this morning, incidentally, answering mixed up in

Michigan.

Oh, yeah.

That was the woman whose husband went to bed with his hat on.

I just happened to read it.

Well, uh, what makes you think that you can write an article, Ted?

Well, all I'll do is sit your jet down and dictate 1 ,500 words to her, just

like that. Just a question of stringing words together.

Hell, piece of caco.

I, for one, don't think you can write 1 ,500 words on freedom of the press.

Oh, come on. You've got to be kidding.

Freedom of the press is good.

Very good.

Important.

Well, that's ten words already.

It's only nine cents.

So I'm not a mathematician.

Words are my game.

Very important.

Let's see. They're paying me $200 for 1 ,500 words. It's the same as $2 for 15.

Yeah, not bad. I've already earned $2.

For just three nights' work.

It isn't going so fast, is it?

No. But don't worry.

I know it's going to be wonderful once you get rolling, Ted.

Me too.

I'll tell you what, Georgette. Read me into it. Let's get a run at it. Get the

old creative juices flowing.

From the top.

with feeling.

Freedom of the press is very, very good and very, very, very,

very important for a hero.

I'd certainly sign my name to that.

Your name will make it 17 words.

That's darn just what I'm really cooking.

Oh, hiya, Ted.

Hi, Georgia. Hi, Murray.

What brings you here?

brings me here, Ted.

Honey,

isn't that the baby crying?

Oh, gee, I didn't even hear her.

Small wonder with you typing away like a storm in here.

Hey, what's the big idea, Ted? You called me. You asked me to come over.

I didn't want Georgette to know.

You didn't want Georgette to know what?

That I can't write.

Well, she knows you can't read, Ted. It's not a big deal.

It's no joke, Murray. She has faith in me.

She was so proud when he asked me to write this article.

Now I tried and I can't.

Freedom of the press is as nice as a day at the seashore.

You sure can't. Oh, it's just off the top of my head.

Uh, Ted, the baby's sound asleep.

Oh, I didn't say baby. I meant Davey.

David is 12 years old. Why would he be crying?

Did I say crying? I meant snoring.

David is snoring?

Yeah, could be his adenoids. You'd better check, okay, honey?

Okay.

Murray, I want you to write that article for me.

And I'll tell Georgette that I'm writing it at the office and I'll give you all

the money.

You will? The whole hundred.

Two hundred, Ted.

Okay, 200.

But it's a secret.

You can't tell anyone, not even Marie.

Not even my wife?

Marie, once one wife knows, they all know. It goes out on Jungle Telegraph.

But you can't tell anyone, Marie.

You can't tell a soul.

Okay, Ted, it's a deal. As it happens, I need the money. But look, pay me now

before I write a word.

Right now?

Right here and now.

had his adenoids out.

I'll be darned.

David had his adenoids out. Are you sure?

Yes, Ted.

You win, Murray.

I don't believe this article by Ted.

What's wrong with it?

It's too good.

I don't believe he wrote it.

Murray, did you write it?

No. Now, come on, really.

Really, Mary? I didn't write it.

But, Murray, there are words in here Ted couldn't possibly know about.

Anachronistic.

Metaphor.

Allegorical. Where would Ted ever pick up words like that?

I don't know.

Has William F. Buckley ever appeared on The Gong Show?

Hi, everybody.

Oh, hi.

Honey, are we too early?

Oh, hey, gee, I can't go to lunch for another hour.

That's okay. We'll go shopping in the meantime.

We're going to get Laurie her new coat. Hey, good.

We were going to try to make do another year, but all of a sudden, Murray

decided we can afford it now.

Yeah, I'm probably going to say goodbye to this ratty -looking thing.

Oh, I see you're reading Ted's article.

Yeah. I just finished it. It's really wonderful.

You like it?

Yeah. Oh, I just saw the governor's press conference on television.

governor quoted from the article? Oh, isn't that exciting?

Murray, what's so exciting about the governor quoting from Ted's article?

Well, everyone isn't selfish, Murray. I mean, some of us are happy for our co

-workers. It is possible.

No, it's not.

Not when you're the one being happy and Ted is the co -worker.

Well, you can say what you will about Ted. He's an idiot, an imbecile, but

man sure knows how to write.

We better be going. See you later, honey. Bye, Mary.

Bye.

Hi, Lou. Hi, Mary. Hi, Laurie. Nice coat.

Hey, have you seen this piece by Ted?

Yeah, isn't it terrific? You know, at first I thought Murray had written it

him. No, this is too good, even for Murray.

Hi, Mary.

Hi, Georgia.

What about my teddy bear?

I'm so proud of you. of this, I could bust my buttons.

Well, actually, this dress doesn't have any buttons. It has two snaps and a

zipper up the back, but I'm so proud I could bust two snaps and a zipper up the

back. Sounds stupid, so I said buttons.

Sue me.

No, it's okay. I understand how you feel, and I'm really glad that you're so

happy.

Ted!

I am so thrilled with the reaction to your article.

Oh, you are getting a quality that I find more exciting than anything else.

Brain power.

Oh, any man who can throw words around like that.

Hyperbole.

Vitiate.

Assiduity.

Anachronistic.

By the way, Ted, would you define anachronistic for us?

Sure, Mary.

It's, um, a man who's probably from Akron.

You know what simply amazes me is, I mean, a person can work next to somebody

for so long and never see them as a sexual entity, and then all of a sudden,

here he is.

Excuse me. Oh, I mean, I've always known you were an attractive man, of course,

but... Now, I think you and I will get to know each other much, much better.

Sue Ann, I think it's very nice that you like Ted's article.

And I'm glad you're so fond of the big words he uses. But if you don't knock it

off, I'm going to vitiate your assiduity out of you.

Certainly, dear.

Wouldn't have worked anyway.

Is there anything special you want? for dinner, Ted?

I don't know. What do writers eat?

I think I can find some alphabet soup.

Hey, isn't it crazy the way Sue Ann acted just now?

Oh, I had no idea that writers affected women this way.

That Shakespeare must have had to drive him off with a stick.

Say, Murray, I appreciate your not...

You know, saying anything.

The deal is a deal, Ted.

Yeah, well, I realize that. I respect you for it, but it must have been a

tough on you. Ted, it's over. It's done.

Tomorrow it will be forgotten, so why don't we forget it? Right.

You're a pal.

Mary, I didn't tell you the best part.

What's that, Ted?

Rita's died his telephone.

They want to reprint my article for 2 ,500 bucks.

Mr. Grant?

Speaking.

Do you know what Ted just told me?

That he really didn't write that article? No, he wouldn't admit that.

obviously, he didn't.

Obviously.

Mr. Grant, are you making fun of me, or do you agree?

Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I can do both, Mary.

But I definitely agree.

Freedom shouldn't be confused with license.

Though these two cousins often pass as twins.

I can recognize Murray's style a mile away. I just hope Ted paid him well for

it. Not as well as Reader's Digest is going to pay Ted to reprint it.

What? $2 ,500.

Murray, get in here.

What is it?

We both know what's going on here. We think it stinks.

What? Murray, what Mr. Grant means is...

We both know what's going on here. We do this.

Oh, well, I don't know what you're talking about.

The article that Ted supposedly wrote.

Well, I still don't know what you're talking about. Murray, come on.

Sorry. Is that all?

No. Sit down.

We're going to crack you open like an egg.

Obviously, you've made some sort of promise. No, I still don't know what

talking about. Don't tell me you don't know what we're talking about.

Okay, I don't know what you're referring to. Murray, we're trying to help you.

Do you honestly expect us to believe that Ted wrote that article? Yes.

He can't even look at it.

I can't solve it.

Okay, Murray.

I believe you.

You didn't write it.

Mr. Grant, I don't think he's telling... Mary.

We're just going to do that soon.

Yes, yes.

You don't miss a trick.

Okay, Murray.

You didn't write it, but somebody did. We know that Ted didn't write it.

Now, let's say somebody else wrote it for Ted.

Some poor slob.

That we'll call, uh... Roland Sattler.

My dentist.

The name.

Okay.

Mary's dentist wrote the article.

And everyone in many... Minneapolis thought it was a great article.

But everyone praised Ted Baxter.

And who didn't get even one little bit of recognition?

Roland Settler.

Not only that, but Roland doesn't make a whole lot of money. And here's Ted, who

does. He's got a total of $2 ,700.

much did he pay roland in the first place maybe five six hundred bucks

maybe less and the real the real

sad part of it is that this article is maybe the best thing

he's ever written maybe the best thing he'll ever write ever

And he'll never be able to tell his friends, his wife,

his children, or any of the other dentists.

All

because

of a stupid promise he made to Ted.

Oh, that poor, dumb... wretched soul now murray

given this situation don't you think the original agreement was unfair and

shouldn't be considered binding not if he gave his word

don't you think a man's word ought to be worth something if nothing else that

should be worth something

There goes one hell of a dentist.

Ted, we'd like to speak to you.

Hey, guys, my door is always open.

Lou, would you mind closing the door?

Sit down.

What are you going to talk about?

Ted, we... Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Isn't this sensational?

Dear Mr. Baxter, we'd like 400 copies of your excellent article to distribute to

our students.

Isn't that something?

A newspaper with my writing in it being used to train students?

Can you imagine?

Ted, that's what we'd like to talk to you about. The article you're alleged to

have written.

What do you mean, alleged? Did Murray squeal? About what?

About my paying him $200 to write the article and him promising not to tell

anyone? No, Murray never said a word.

Oh, good, because that didn't happen.

Well, that's all they paid me.

Yeah, but the Digest is now paying you $2 ,500. Do you think that's fair?

No. But it's as high as they'll go.

Ted, you just admitted that Murray wrote the article. Don't you think he's

entitled to share?

No, I don't, Lou. On principle.

What principle?

Okay, Murray.

Let's see I paid a tailor to make these pants.

If he stopped me on the street trying to take him back, I'd have him arrested.

Am I right?

Right.

Yeah, but you're making a huge profit on this article.

Okay, Lou.

Let's say I pay a guy to build a house.

And I later sell that house for three times the amount.

Who gets that money?

Suppose people say, my, what a lovely house.

Who accepts the compliment?

You do.

But face it, guys, you haven't got a leg to stand on. I'm right.

Hey, isn't this great? You guys always win an argument, but not this time. This

time I'm in the right. You're wrong, and I'm right.

Oh, I tell you, this is a great country.

You know what makes it great?

Because you don't have to be witty or clever as long as you can hire someone

is.

Where's your compassion?

You're talking about somebody with whom you've worked for years, who came

through for you when you had trouble.

You're talking about a man who's never had a chance to be in the limelight.

You have.

I mean, here's a guy who did one thing, one single thing in his whole life

that can get him a little national attention.

Something that when he goes to sleep, he can say, maybe I'm special.

Ted, Murray deserves the chance to say that to himself once.

Don't you think?

Ted, we're talking about a man who sold his name

to buy a coat for his daughter.

You're too good a man to take advantage of Murray this way.

No, I'm not.

All right, all right.

I am.

Do you really like it? Oh, it's beautiful, honey. Hey, do me a favor.

make it last till you're married.

Ah, good. You're still here. So, um, just, okay, stay.

Because we'll, um...

Thank you. It's always nice to hear that.

Marie, there's something I have to tell you about that article.

Yes, Dad?

Marie may write something like that himself someday.

I certainly hope so. We sure would be proud of him if he did.

Bye -bye. Goodbye.

Marie.

Mari helped me write that article.

Honey, why didn't you say that?

He helped me a lot.

Maybe 30%. More than 30%. Did you really, Dad?

Make me proud of you, Ted.

I'm such a dope, I couldn't write my own name without Murray.

Hey, I was afraid to say that.

Murray wrote the article.

Murray wrote the article.

And now that I said it, I'm going to be sick.

Ted, I have to get home to the kids. What is it you wanted to tell me?

Sit down, Georgette.

Well, this may come as kind of a shock to you, so you better hang on.

I never wrote that article for the paper.

Oh, I knew that.

You did?

Sure.

Just because I love you doesn't mean I'm stupid.

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, it's okay, Murray. Congratulations on the article.

Oh, well, I actually didn't. I mean, Ted, I mean, I... Murray, you know you

write a lot better than you talk.

Bye, kid. Bye, honey.

Bye.

Uh, Ted, I, uh... I've been thinking all day about that gesture you made

upstairs. That's okay, Murray. No, Ted.

I have to say this.

For a long time now, I've made you the butt of my jokes because you were there

and you happen to be a preposterous figure.

But what you did today was classy.

You're a fine man, Ted Baxter.

It's an honor to know you.

Murray. Hey, you know what?

That $2 ,500 from Rita's Digest? Yeah.

I want you to have it.

Oh, no, you can keep it.