Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all

seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all

need to waste it. You can have the town, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

I'm waiting for another guest.

Well, who else do you know?

I invited Mel Price.

Mary, I'm surprised at you being so insecure.

You have to butter up the station manager by having him to dinner.

Ed.

I'll get it.

Mel, we were worried sick about you.

Hi, I'm Lou. Hi. Hi, I'm sorry I'm late. It was a little prop.

problem at the station.

Martin Lockwood, just walked out, suddenly find myself with an hour of

programming to fill. Oh, my God.

Ted, aren't you taking it awfully hard?

Well, the poor man.

He wakes up this morning like any other day and he has to fill a whole hour of

programming.

I don't know where you're going to get anybody else in a hurry.

handle this show?

Well, it hadn't occurred to me, but it's a darn good notion.

You don't understand, Ted.

This is not just a news show. It needs an entertainer.

Hey, guys, he thinks I'm not an entertainer.

What's this?

Mary, do you have a large blindfold?

Gee, I'm sorry, Ted. All my blindfolds are in the wash.

What would a napkin do?

Oh, sure, sure.

This is a little something Georgette and I worked up as an act for a church

benefit. Come on, everybody inside.

Okay, take it, Georgette.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ted is going to demonstrate mental powers you never knew

he had.

each one for an object which the amazing Theodore, completely blindfolded, will

correctly identify just by reading my mind.

Ready, Teddy?

Ready.

I'm holding an object, Ted, and thinking about it.

I'm getting very strong waves.

Ted, get the lead out and let's come to the point.

a pencil. The amazing Tito.

What am I holding now, Ted?

Don't blow it.

You're holding a trumpet.

Who would be carrying a trumpet?

A trombone.

Think carefully, Ted.

Everybody knows.

Everybody knows what?

is nothing to sneeze at. Ah, I'm getting very strong waves.

No more hanky -panky, Ted.

I'm getting very, very strong waves.

Ted, what I'm holding is made of cloth and you squeeze it with your fingers and

you blow into it.

It's a bagpipe!

Unbelievable, Mary.

Unbelievable. The way they work with each other, the tenderness, the innocent

charm.

When was the last time you heard anybody called a palooka?

I didn't mean it in a bad way. I think he's a nice palooka. Oh, I know, I know.

And it shows.

In fact, I think the two of you are the cutest husband and wife team I've seen

in years.

How would you like to turn pro?

Great idea.

And you won't even have to give up the news show.

I just think that a husband and wife team could add a whole

new element to that show.

You said a mouthful there.

Because it took a little longer than most people, but it was worth waiting

opening show.

Well, it's just an audition, Mary. If we blow it, it's also our closing show.

No. Ah, you won't blow it.

Where's Ted?

Talking to the choreographer.

The choreographer?

I didn't know the show was going to have dancing.

Well, it wasn't. It was Ted's idea.

He wants a big production number on every show.

How can you have a production number? There's just you, Ted, and one guest.

I know. I hope the bishop can dance.

show business was so exciting. The station's really giving us the big star

treatment. You know, we just left the dressing room, there's a 12 -year -old

bottle of scotch and a bouquet of roses.

Who knows, maybe next week there'll be something for you, Georgette.

Hey, you know the best thing of all?

They gave me a flunky.

A flunky?

Well, yeah, you know, a star needs someone to do errands for them.

Uh, Elliot?

Yes, sir?

This is my flunky.

Give him some pictures.

I have one, Elliot.

Come on, Dad. Let's get started. Okay. If you want those autographs, Elliot can

do that, too.

Make them personal. They're close friends.

Wish you luck.

Yeah. Good luck.

A lot of luck. Thanks. Gee, this is exciting.

It's like being at... Los Alamos.

Los Alamos.

Birthplace of the biggest bomb in history.

Well,

here we go. Any predictions?

Yeah. That should shorten the war by at least two years.

Good evening and welcome to Tonight in Town.

And here are tonight's guest hosts, Ted and Georgette Baxter.

Hello, hello.

Hooray, hooray. I'm Ted. And I'm Georgette. Don't touch that dial. Don't

away. You ain't seen... Nothing yet.

We're not talking A -bomb, Mary. We're talking H -bomb.

That was cute.

Huh? That was pretty cute.

I wouldn't want to see it often, but it was cute.

Well, here we are, Teddy Bear, on our very own show.

Live from Minneapolis.

And I'd like to say hello to all my friends out there. And if it's okay, I'd

like to say hello to our children.

Hi, David. Hi, Mary Lou.

And I'd like to say a word to our babysitter.

I'm not paying you a buck an hour to watch television.

You are cute, little Luke.

Adorable.

Well, Mary, I think I'll go now. I'll see you in the office tomorrow.

No, Mr. Grant, you've got to watch the rest of the show.

Oh, that's okay. I've gotten the flavor of it. A real friend would stay for the

whole show.

And now it's time for our first commercial.

But don't go away, everybody. As soon as we get back, the amazing Theodore,

that's Teddy, is going to show us his incredible mind.

reading ability.

Okay, let's go.

This part of the program is brought to you by Bowser Banquet, the doggy food

that every dog loves.

Yes, sir. You just watch Happy here gobble up her Bowser Banquet.

Okay, come and get it.

Here comes the choo -choo.

Geez.

I just forgot about playing choo -choo.

Did you want to grow up to be a great Dane?

Come on, it's really good for you. I'll show you how good it is. I'll taste it

for you.

I mean, you've seen appalling things.

Nothing ghastly shocks you.

So, would you explain why... The success of the Ted and Georgette show.

Exactly. Now, they went on almost two weeks, Lou, and, well, their ratings are

higher than ever.

Now, why do people watch that stuff, Lou? It's so ordinary.

You've got the dumb...

Talent hunts. You got the beautiful baby contest.

You know who the big guests were yesterday?

A couple celebrating the third wedding anniversary.

Where do they find those guests?

I mean, they're so dull.

The night watchman and the dry cleaners.

It's like they make dull a requirement to get on the show. Go figure it out,

Murray. Who with any intelligence would want to be on a show like that?

Hey, guys, guess what?

I'm going to be a guest on the Ted and Georgette show next week.

We were just asking, where do Ted and Georgette get their talent? And you just

strolled right on in. Oh, right at that instant. Yeah, that very instant.

So, what are you going to do on the show, Mary? I think they probably want

ask me some questions about producing a new show.

Of course, they want a light touch, too.

So I thought of an opening joke.

You're going to tell an opening joke? Yeah, yeah. And I want to try it out on

you because I don't want to use it unless it's very funny.

Oh, okay.

Okay, so I thought I would say, um, I'm very glad to be here tonight.

Of course, the way my cabbie drove, I'd be glad to be anywhere.

Is it very funny?

I guess it is. I think it's funny. I knew it was!

Hi, guys.

Hi. Can I have Elliot get anybody a cup of coffee?

No, thank you. Cream and sugar.

I thought you drank it black.

Well, I do, but I'm training him to handle a little more responsibility.

Well, enough chit -chat. I'm a busy man. Mary, the baseball player has scheduled

for tonight's fill -out.

We want you to fill in for him.

Me?

Tonight? Well, you've got to be out next week anyway. What's the difference?

But, Ted, it's so sudden. I mean, I don't have time to prepare for it.

prepare?

It's an interview.

We ask you how the news is done, and you tell us.

It's about time Ted found out anyhow.

If you're a pro, he can be ready at a moment's notice.

Right? Right.

When I'm right, I'm right.

Well, Mary, what do you say? Time is money.

Can you get yourself ready in a couple of hours? No.

Yes, I guess.

All right, fine, fine. It's settled.

I've got to go. I've got to check those sets.

Say goodbye for me. I don't have time.

Goodbye.

Hello, Mom.

Listen, I'm not going to be on the show next week.

I'm going to be on tonight.

Okay, I'll talk to you afterwards.

Bye -bye.

George, yes, bye. Oh, I am so excited. I'm going to be on the show tonight. I

mean, I'm not even sure I'll know what to say, but I am really excited.

Me too, Mary. I'm thrilled to be there.

I never get to cook a meal. I never get to do anything in my own house.

And I miss doing those things, Mary.

Maybe it's dumb.

No, Georgette, that's not dumb.

I never wanted to be a performer. I just did it because Ted wanted me to.

Now the show's a hit and I can't get out of it.

Of course you're not.

Does it make any sense at all?

Sure it does.

Damn right.

Georgette, why don't you just go to Ted and tell him you don't want to do the

show anymore?

Because it means so much to him.

It would break his heart if he had to give it up.

But Georgette, you've got to think of yourself, too.

You can't go through life unhappy. I mean, there's no point in being a

I guess you're right, Mary.

I have to talk to Ted.

But I want to find the right moment.

I think I'll wait till tonight when we're alone together in bed, and then

tell him I don't want to anymore.

And when he finds out that I mean the show, he'll be so relieved he'll agree

anything.

Thank you for your nice letter.

It's always nice to hear from a fan.

I can't honor your request for tickets.

But I am enclosing an autographed picture.

And how shall I sign that?

Your loving son, Ted.

Five minutes, Ted.

Oh, hi, honey. How's Mary?

Oh, she's a little nervous, but she'll be fine. Oh, sure she will.

Am I right? You're right.

But I'm right, I'm right.

We have such a bright future, Georgia.

Right, Ted.

Hey.

What's the matter?

Nothing.

Yes, there is.

When a guy's married as long as I have, he gets to spot those little clues.

Elliot's fine now. What's the matter?

Ted, you and I will talk about it when we're alone.

We are alone.

Oh. Oh, okay. That's enough.

Thanks a lot.

I mean...

Let's face it, how can you improve on God's handiwork?

Thank you, thank you.

Hey, what's bothering you?

You're still not alone, Ted.

Sorry, Elliot, would you like something?

Certainly, Mr. Bastard.

Anything you say?

Ted, I want to talk to you about this show. I don't want to do it now, but I

think we should sit down and have a serious talk afterward.

Why can't we talk about it now?

It's too close to air time.

So?

It might upset you.

Hey, you're talking to Ted Baxter, the professional's professional.

I don't get upset by things.

Well, you might.

Nothing you could say to me could affect my performance out there.

That's not true. Remember the time Murray told you just before the news

Lassie was three different dogs and you had to have ice pressed against the back

of your neck before you could go on?

Hey, Georgia, if there's something you want to talk about, let's talk.

All right.

Ken, I don't want to do this show anymore.

but I'm really not happy.

Oh, hey.

Oh, Georgette, that's out of the question.

We're a big hit. We've got to do the show, and that's all there's to it.

All right, Teddy, if that's what you really want.

Hey.

You know, Teddy Bear doesn't like to see his Georgette looking sad.

Come on now. Let me see your nice, big, happy face.

There, that's better.

Mary, do you want me to sit in the middle? Sit in the middle.

And don't worry, this will be fun.

How can you do this to me, Georgette?

Right in the middle of a successful show. Okay, everybody.

are Ted and Georgette Baxter.

Hello, hello.

Hooray, hooray. I'm Ted. And I'm Georgette. Don't touch that dial.

Don't go away. You ain't seen.

Nothing yet.

Why don't you tell everybody about tonight's guest, honey?

Uh, Mary Richards, the producer of the 6 o 'clock news.

We'll be back with our guest right after these messages.

Ted, I can't do it. I tried.

I gave it all I had, but I just can't do it. I'm sorry for letting you down.

Hey, wait a minute. Georgette.

Georgette. Georgette.

Five seconds. Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

You know, I'm sure that any people who are watching must be wondering why

I'm here alone.

And I know that people usually enjoy behind -the -scenes stuff, and the

that I'm here alone is because Ted and Georgette aren't here.

But I think that they'll be back shortly, if there's a God in heaven.

I produce the 6 o 'clock news, and I'm sure that they plan to ask me a lot of

questions.

How about that?

Like, how long have I been producing the news?

Seven years.

Do I enjoy it?

Sure do.

Well, what exactly does a producer do?

Oh, boy, you name it.

Well, okay, okay. One of the things that I do is setting the whole lineup for

the show, seeing...

You know, how many commercials we have and when they come in the show. Like,

when's the next commercial in this show?

17 minutes?

It won't work, Ted.

Please, you can do this alone.

No, I can't. I checked.

He wants the both of us on the show.

What would it be like without you?

Hello, hello.

I'm Ted.

Don't touch that dial.

You ain't seen.

I need you, honey.

I'm sorry, Ted, but I can't help it.

Why does it just seem more important to me to raise the children than to do this

show? I mean, what do you think? I wouldn't want to change diapers and

floor. I mean, somebody's got to put on makeup and sit in the spotlight.

Ted, one of us has got to make a big sacrifice.

Oh, gee.

Why does it always have to be you?

And then there's that question that everybody wants an answer to.

What do I do after I check the promo log?

Well, I'd like to answer that question, but I'm afraid I don't have any time.

I do have time.

Ted. I can't do it.

This is very important to you, isn't it?

Yes, it is.

All right.

All right, I'll give it up. I'll give it up.

I'll give up the fame.

Give up the money.

But can I ask one thing of you in return?

Sure.

Can I keep Elliot?

Some film to look at, and then I brown bag it in the screening room.

Am I getting too technical?

Oh, it's time for a commercial already.

Okay, I'm sure Jed and Ted will be back soon, so don't go away.

Back in 30 seconds. I can't. I just can't. Keep doing what you're doing.

I can't do it. What's wrong, Miss Miss Richards?

You have no idea how lonely it is up there.

Yeah?

Try being a messenger boy for Howard Hughes.

You were a messenger boy for Howard Hughes?

Yeah, for three years.

Nobody ever let me talk.

All I did all day was listen, listen, listen.

Elliot, come sit down. We're going to give you a chance to talk.

Isn't it always the way just when you give up hope?

Okay, guys, come on, let's move it. Let's get those cameras rolling. We've

shot of TV.

Hello again.

My next guest is Elliot.

Elliot, what were you just telling me your job was for three years?

Aaron, boy for Howard Hughes.

Then did you actually meet Mr. Hughes and get to speak with him? Oh, yeah,

of times. Well, then I imagine you have many stories to tell us about Mr.

Hughes' last years.

About a million or two, that's all.

Okay.

Why don't you just tell us some of the things you used to do for him?

Well, one of the things I did was... I used to make him snacks.

Yeah, one of his favorites was this very special peach melba I used to make for

him. Yeah, it was a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top of a plain pound cake with

fresh peaches with a little bit of chocolate syrup.

Oh, he used to really love that.

I don't blame him. I'd love some myself.

All right, Miss Richards, I'll get you one.