Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with a smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all

seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all

need to waste it. You can have the town, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

I just got a challenge from the guys at Channel 10 for another softball game. I

want you to catch.

Oh, hey, no, Lou. I don't want to catch. What difference does a position make?

Pitch, catch, who cares? Who's going to pitch?

I am.

You pitched the last time. You always pitch, Lou. Come on, let me pitch.

All right, you can pitch. I'll catch.

Let's see. I'll get Fred to play first.

What about me?

What do you mean, what about you? What about you? Well, Mr. Grant, you are

to include women on the softball team, aren't you? Oh, come on. Don't start

that. It's been such a nice day.

The sun was shining.

The birds were chirping. Mr. Grant, there is no reason in the world that

softball should be exclusively male.

Or that you should think only of the men in the newsroom when you are choosing

your team. No reason.

Nothing to do with glands or physical size. There is no reason.

Okay, Mary. Okay, okay. You're right.

What position do you play?

Name some of the positions.

I'll keep you in mind.

Janice, just heard about the challenge from Channel 10.

Kind of short notice, but I'll keep my pitching arm in shape.

Never mind, Ted. Murray's going to pitch.

What do you mean, Murray? Why Murray?

Well,

it's my turn, Lou.

Let me pitch. I mean, it's not fair. Please, Lou.

I didn't pitch, Murray.

No, Lou, you promised I could pitch. Mr. Grant, I take it all back. I never want

to hear women doing this.

Ted, Murray's gonna pitch.

Well, if he pitches, I'm not playing. You will if I say so. Okay, I'll play.

But I'll play lousy. He'll do everything wrong, make a laughing stock out of the

newsroom. That's all we've ever asked you for, Ted.

The station manages reception.

Oh, yeah.

I'll get my jacket. Reception?

I don't know anything about reception.

Who's support?

Carl Heller. Professor Carl Heller.

Oh, oh, Professor Carl Heller. Well, that's a different way to say so.

Ted, do you have the slightest idea who Carl Heller is?

Of course I do, Mary.

He's a famous scientist.

I know.

Psychiatrist?

Podiatrist.

The governor of Minnesota.

You don't even know who our governor is?

You only keep changing every three or four years.

Carl Heller is a friend of the station managers.

Former Harvard professor.

You must have heard of him, Ted. He's been on all the talk shows. He's always

writing articles for magazines.

He'll be teaching a few courses here at the university.

Well, big deal. You know what they say about teaching.

Those who can, do. Those who can't, don't.

As I told Johnny Carson, five minutes is inadequate to review a book of any

merit. But for this piece of trash, it was excessive.

Gee, I kind of like that book. I thought I had real atmosphere.

So does a garbage dump.

But they don't expect you to read it.

I'd like you to meet Mary Richards, the producer of our news.

I'm charmed.

How do you do?

Tell me, Miss Richards, are all the women in Minneapolis as lovely as you?

Yes.

I just adored your article in Harper's, Carl.

On modern theater. Oh, yes. I just, I love the theater. I just saw a revival

My Fair Lady.

What a perfect show.

Well, I personally have nothing against derivative schmaltz.

Granted, it has flaws. But I don't see how a marriage of second -rate shawl

third -rate operetta can produce anything but drivel.

Not a great show by any means, but the costumes... Hollow pomp, draped in

fruity decadence. Check.

I think I might just get another drink.

I think the proper function of drama should be to shatter our complacency and

scar our souls.

I do that on my show.

Professor, I'm Murray Slaughter. I've enjoyed your writing.

Thank you, thank you.

I'd rather you hadn't. What we enjoy, we forget.

What irritates, stays with us.

That reminds me. Do you know Ted Baxter?

Professor, I understand your ace is in the brain game.

Of whom is this person doing a parody?

We had a couple of eggheads in my family.

And yet I'm the one who became rich and famous. Funny, isn't it? No, not really.

One never goes broke underestimating the public's taste.

Carl

and

I were just discussing theater.

Well, I'm a movie buff myself.

I love to watch them on television.

That's where they belong.

Come on, you must like some movies.

Well, it is best which is seldom is.

The film can be powerful.

There was one absolutely first -rate Ukrainian film at the last festival.

It was called Blood on a Dog's Face.

It was about deformity.

Oh, boy.

But somehow the subtitles missed all the whimsy.

Well, maybe I should get another drink for when I finish this.

You want to know something?

That guy has a pain in the neck.

I have an even lower opinion of him.

Well, have you all met the guest of honor? Oh, sure I have. And what do you

think?

Haven't stopped talking about him. Ah, good.

Then you're going to love the brainstorm I just had.

I, um...

I feel that the 6 o 'clock news has become bland and predictable.

Huh? Well, lacks controversy, Lou.

I was just thinking, wouldn't Carl be a great addition?

To what?

To the news.

Critic at large. Regular spot once a week.

Books, movies, restaurants, theater.

You name it.

Critic at large?

Well, let's try it one night, Lou. See how it goes.

I like the idea myself.

But why are you so set on the idea of using Carl Heller? Because he's honest,

Mary. Because he says what he really thinks. And I prize that quality above

others. Ah, well, in that case, would you like to know what I really think of

this idea?

No.

A surprise turn of events when a plucky grandmother climbed the tree herself.

snared the fugitive canary in a handkerchief, and fed it to her cat.

Carl Heller's coming on.

Now it's time to introduce WGM's new critic at large, Carl Heller. We hope

enjoy him.

But it's just a tryout, so if he bombs, he goes right down the... And

now, the distinguished

Professor...

criticized tonight.

When I accepted the job as cultural watchdog to this metropolis, my

question was, what sort of people live here?

At first glance, this town might appear to be an enclave of benighted yahoos.

Well, I couldn't agree more.

Unless, of course, that's bad.

I wonder...

Are their cultural pretensions as vacant as their smiles?

Is this really the heartland of what Mencken called the booboisie?

We just called our entire audience boobs and yahoos. Maybe that was just a

teaser. Maybe he was kidding.

It is said that the people get the culture they deserve.

In the nights to come, we shall try to find out exactly why no first -rate

artist has ever been created in this big but intellectually famished...

Arid in sterile city.

This is Ted Baxter saying goodnight from Phoenix, Arizona.

Intellectually famished, arid, sterile city. How could he say that about

Minneapolis?

That is the cruelest man I have ever seen.

I think I'm in love.

Hello?

Hey, wait a minute. That is not our responsibility, mister. We don't know...

Hello? Hello?

Yes, I know.

No.

Yes, I know. No, it was not our idea.

No, it really... No, no, no. We are not responsible.

No, no, that does not reflect our opinion. I think we have just witnessed

shortest career in the history of television.

Well, how was that for openness?

How was that? You want to know how that was?

Fifty -five calls.

Fifty -five angry phone calls through the switchboard in one minute. I can't

believe it. Well, you should hear the calls we're getting here.

Listen, Carl.

I know I said I'd like you to appear on the show once a week, but I've changed

my mind.

Once a week isn't enough. I'd like to make this a nightly event.

And speaking of nightly events, you ought to get to know each other better.

Mel, what are you doing? You yourself said we never had so many complaints.

Exactly, Lou.

Complaints mean controversy.

And controversy builds ratings.

Well, if controversy is all you want, Mel...

Why don't we just have Mary here deliver the news topless?

Let's see how this works out first.

What a man, Mary. And what point.

Oh, he really knows how to treat a woman.

Not once did I have to yell start.

ever played in my life. Boy, were we lousy. Really miserable. We just looked

rotten. Our entire team got one hit.

Take me out to the bulldog.

Guess who got it.

Hey, guys, it's just a game.

Matters not who won or lost, only that I played great and the rest of you sucked

eggs.

Ted, just because you got a lucky hit doesn't mean you played great. Lucky?

You call my hit lucky, Barry? I do.

With two out in the ninth and us 26 runs behind, Ted, I really don't believe

anyone was expecting you to bunt.

And how many lucky hits did you have, Lou?

Let me see. What was my average? One out of three. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I walked.

That doesn't count.

One out of two.

One out of two.

Not bad.

Let me know the next time either of you bats 400.

No, Mary, it does not mean that.

It means that we're going to shake this team up, have some practices, challenge

Channel 10 again, and beat the daylights out of them. Oh, Lou, you are so

adorable when you're childish.

I imagine at your age, everyone seems childish.

Must be my maternal instinct.

Right now, I have an overwhelming urge to diaper your head.

Mr. Grant, the reason I ask that question is that if we could table

just a while, I would like to discuss our resident critic.

Yeah, you're right.

We're going to have to do something about that jerk.

Well, now, wait just a minute. I will not have Carl Heller called a jerk by

anybody. Well, you may not agree with the man's opinions, but he is charming,

witty, intelligent.

Mary, I wondered, did you have any plans for this evening?

And desperately hard up.

I've been given the name of what is purported to be the best French

in town.

I just wondered if you care to dine with me tonight.

Well, I...

Would you excuse us for a minute, Carl? Mary, can I see you for a moment?

Something important came up. Just stay right there. We'll be right back in a

second. It's really not important. She'll be right back.

Mary?

Now, I think you'll agree with me that I seldom get involved in your social

life. Are you kidding?

You constantly get involved in my social life.

Right.

Okay. Mary, since I constantly get involved in your social life, I think

agree with me that one more time won't hurt.

She'll be right out, Carl.

Somebody's got to talk to Carl about toning down his reviews.

And nothing puts a guy in a more receptive mood than good food, good

the company of a beautiful woman.

Now, I am going to ask you to go out with Carl for the good of the station

everybody involved.

So, Mary, please, for everybody's sake, won't you go out with him?

Sure, I was going to say yes anyway.

Ready to taste the wine now, sir? No, thank you, not yet. I would like to give

it a little time to breathe.

I think it is breathed sufficiently, sir.

I will be the judge of that.

As you wish.

The shrimp is just delicious, Carl.

Is it fresh? It looks frozen.

Well, I don't know. It doesn't seem to really matter, though. It's very good.

But, Mary, it should be fresh.

It would be an outrage to serve frozen shrimp at prices like these.

Let me try one.

Fresh. Very fresh.

Everything all right? Fresh. Uh, fine.

Thank you. Fine.

I thought his manner was a little perpunctory, didn't you?

Perhaps I should speak with him. No, no, no, Carl, please, no. Everything is

just lovely, really. And thank you very much for inviting me.

Mary, I have to confess that I have a weakness for the company of beautiful

women. Well, thank you very much. I have very high standards in women, as in

everything. Well, that's very nice. Only the best will do.

Would you like some wine?

Yeah, thank you.

Some leave.

I will taste that now, please.

Actually, Carl, that's something that I wanted to talk to you about.

I think your standards are a little too high.

How so?

Well, on the news, we are supposed to appeal to the public, you know, not just

to the intellectual elite.

But you never seem to praise or recommend anything.

I mean, you can be too critical, you know. You really think so?

Well, yes, I do. I mean, just being negative isn't really being

But if you were to point out some of the good things about our city and be

encouraging and supportive... This won't do.

I beg your pardon?

This wine is bad.

It tastes fine to me, sir.

Monsieur, I do not care how it tastes to you.

Would you kindly bring another bottle?

I'll speak to the maitre d'.

How dare they?

I mean, how do they have the gall to serve wine like that? I don't know.

Oh, is it really important enough to make such a... I tell you how they dare,

Mary. The public puts up with it.

People are cattle.

They'll accept anything. But I won't.

Something the matter with the wine, sir?

Something the matter with it? Yes, you might say that. Carl, it really doesn't

matter. Besides the fact that it has no bouquet, no body, no character, it is

corked, cloudy, bitter, overpriced, and totally unacceptable.

Maybe that first swallow just went down the wrong way.

I'm afraid my sommelier doesn't agree with you.

I don't care whether your sommelier agrees with me or not.

I am the customer, and that wine is bad.

My shrimp was very good, though. I know wine, and this is an

outrage. Carl, please.

You charge $40 for a bottle of wine that has turned, and then you have the

arrogance to argue with me instead of apologizing.

You've just lost two customers.

If you expect to charge these prices, then you better start treating the

with courtesy instead of condescension, or you won't have any public left.

Come on, Mary, let's go.

And next time, make sure the shrimp is fresh.

by squad officers by saying she was an unemployed lion tamer.

Tonight, our critic at large turns his attention to the TV scene.

Well,

I wonder who Jack the Ripper will attack tonight.

I think it is only fair that we apply the same critical standards to

that we do to anything else.

Very sound thinking.

Thank you.

I think our first task ought to be to put our own house in order.

Just call them the way you see them, Carl. Let the chipperinos fall where

may.

What you're watching at this very moment is a classic example of what is wrong

with television in this town.

It is the pursuit of personality at the expense of competence.

I'm not sure I understand.

I'm sure you don't.

the biggest offender in that regard.

From the dowdy frumpery of the happy homemaker show to the bumbling, foot -in

-the -mouth delivery of a certain anchorman.

And backing them up right down the line are dull writing, inept staging, and

high school production methods.

Well, there you are.

The emperor has no clothes.

and see if they fare any better. Meanwhile, this is Carl Heller saying,

viewer beware.

High school production methods?

Dull writing.

Boy, he didn't miss anybody, did he?

Murray, be a good guy and go buy me a gun.

Look, Lou, I don't like this any better than you do, but we've got to stay calm.

I'm calm. That's one of the things the army taught me. How to kill calm.

Bumbling?

Do you think that's a nice thing to say about anybody?

Bumbling? My mother watches this show.

What's the matter with you?

If we dish it out, we ought to be able to take it.

Okay, Carl.

Let's see if you can take it. No, Mr. Grant, please. No, please.

Don't. Let me handle this.

You!

produce, or anything else for that matter. Mary, you don't have to be a

to judge an egg.

Have you no sense of proportion?

Criticizing a multi -million dollar movie is one thing, but to publicly

the individual workers at a tiny television station who are simply doing

best job they can is nothing but sadistic bullying by an arrogant snob.

Now, hit him!

Lou, I'll flip you for it.

Come, come, gentlemen. I'm not afraid of either of you.

You're not?

You wouldn't hit me, Lou.

Because that would mean that you can't take criticism.

And deep down, both of you know that my criticism was just.

And in your business, you can't attack old -fashioned honesty, can you?

So long as I deal in truths, no matter how unpleasant, I have nothing to fear.

professor your sensible rational people

and sensible rational people do not throw either pies or punches at

face for simply stating an honest opinion only a fool would vent his

in those ways

Well, he's fired.

Well, how'd you work that?

I didn't.

Apparently, the station manager isn't that thrilled by honesty when it comes

his own show.

You know, in a way, it really isn't fair.

I know. I thought the same thing myself.

I mean, I don't like what Carl said, but the station manager did.

He wanted controversy.

Yeah, he wanted him to attack things.

He wanted him to say what he thought.

So, it was hypocritical of him to fire him.

Very hypocritical.

Not right at all.