Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with a smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all

seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all

need to waste it. You can have the town, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

coffee. Hey, what's the matter?

17 degrees out and the heater in my car passed away.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Oh, that's good.

Do you think anyone would mind if I warmed my feet in it?

Good morning.

Good morning.

Mary, what would you do if you were me and you had to choose someone from the

newsroom to go with you to the broadcaster's convention?

Lou, you're kidding.

I just ran out for the station manager.

That's this weekend in California.

Hollywood, to be exact.

I heard yesterday it was 85 degrees.

Oh, somewhere in the world it's 85 degrees.

Well, Murray, who should I choose to go with me?

Well, gee, Lou, that's pretty tough.

Well, I think you should be as impartial as is humanly possible. Consider

everything, and when you're through...

Pick the person with the least hair.

Sounds fair to me.

Mr. Grant, I would be perfectly willing to shave my head.

I'm only teasing, Mary.

I have here in my little palm three tickets for an all -expense -paid

Los Angeles.

One for you, one for Murray, and one for me. Oh, this is sensational.

I can't wait.

We'll leave Friday night right after the news.

Hi, Ted.

Where are we going?

Hey, everybody, look who's here.

Lucky Ted.

Yeah, Lucky Ted. Why am I lucky?

You're lucky because you don't have to come with us to hot, damp,

sticky, smoggy L .A. to be at some stupid broadcaster's convention. Oh, no,

no, no. Oh, you promised. The next time there's a freebie.

That I would go, and this is the next time, Lou. Oh, Ted, come on. Get on it.

Lou, you promised. Don't break your promise.

Please.

You're right.

I promised.

Okay, Ted, here's my ticket. I hope you're happy.

Thanks, Lou.

Hey, won't that be fun? The three of us?

Yes, operator, I'd like to call Minneapolis.

The area code is 612.

The phone number is 555 -3727.

Yes, I'll hold it.

What are you doing, Ted?

Taping out the keyhole.

I don't want anybody peeking while I'm undressing.

Ted, Mary's in that room.

All the more reason. Who knows how long she's been waiting for this chance.

Now, listen, honey, I want you to kiss all the kids goodnight for me.

Yeah, and lock all the windows before you go to bed at night.

Yeah, and, uh, well, look, if you hear any noises, call me. I'll come right

home.

Goodnight, honey.

Are you homesick already, Murray?

I am not homesick.

Look, just because a guy calls his family doesn't mean he's homesick, Ted.

All it means is that he's concerned.

There's nothing wrong with that.

Mind leaving a little room for me?

Sorry.

I'll get it.

Oh, hiya, ma 'am. Hi.

Murray, say hello to Whitney Lewis.

Hi. This is Murray Slaughter, our writer.

Hi. Hi, nice to meet you. And this is Ted Baxter, our anchorman.

How do you do?

Whitney's a freelance writer. She's covering the convention for one of the L

papers. I was hoping to be able to talk you guys into giving me an interview

this evening. Isn't that great?

Hey, it's horrific.

I'm doing an article about the headaches of putting on a local news show. Well,

if anyone knows about those, I do.

Right. He's one of our biggest.

Why don't you two meet us in the lounge and we'll do the interview over a drink?

Oh, great. We'll be there in a couple of minutes. I still have a few pictures to

unpack. Well, nice to meet you. Yes, thank you. I'll be looking forward to

Right.

Even the writers out here look healthy.

Murray. What?

That woman wants me.

What are you talking about, Ted?

Whitney is hot to trot.

Hey, Ted, you're nuts.

Murray, when she shook my hand, she gave a little extra squeeze.

I don't know what that means.

Sure. She wants to pump some blood to your brain.

I'm telling you, she wants me. Oh.

Hey, Ted, will you do me a favor?

Listen, I want you to close your eyes and try to form a mental image of that

girl in your head. Is this a game? Yeah.

You got it? Oh, yeah. Good.

Now, I want you to form a mental image of yourself.

You got it?

Good. Now, I want you to put those two mental images together and tell me

honestly, Ted, what is wrong with that picture?

There's absolutely nothing wrong with that picture.

Now, wait a minute. Now there is.

Georgette just walked into it with her lawyer.

Yeah, well, I miss you too, honey.

And I love you very much.

Look, if she starts to cough again, call me. I'll come right home.

Goodbye.

My cat has a furball.

I guess we're a pretty dull interview.

Oh, no, not at all. I've got a lot of disgust here.

I almost forgot the funniest story of all.

Murray, you remember the time the film car broke down and we couldn't get to

story, so we had to send the crew on the bus? I remember that. That was

hilarious.

Yeah? What happened?

Well, that was it.

We couldn't get the crew to... Well, you know, I guess it's just funny compared

to the other stories.

Well, like... I said I've got a lot of good stuff here.

I just have a few more questions I'd like to ask Ted. Sure.

Ted, how did you become an anchorman?

It all started in a small $5 ,000 radio station in Fresno, California.

Mary, would you like to dance?

Murray, I would like to dance, even if there were no music.

Good. If you had said no, I would have danced alone.

Here's a... Oh, sure.

You were saying, Ted...

Well, actually, when I first started, I had no idea of becoming a TV newsman.

I wanted to be a disc jockey.

What made you change your mind?

God.

I had this dream where he told me I was too good -looking for radio.

Well, he's right.

You are an attractive man.

Thanks.

Well, you don't want to argue with the big guy.

Listen, Ted.

Would you be available for an in -depth interview while you're out here this

weekend? In -depth?

Yes.

Maybe tomorrow.

Someplace where we'd have less distractions.

Someplace where I could really get to know Ted Baxter, the man.

Okay.

But not in the morning. I may go to Disneyland.

Tomorrow night will be just fine. Fine.

By where?

Oh, I don't know.

How about your room?

My room?

I think that way we'd both be less inhibited.

I'd like to find out what makes Ted Baxter tick.

What he thinks about.

What turns him on.

Well, I can tell you right now what turns him on.

It's the way you've got your hand on his knee.

Isn't that funny?

I didn't even realize I had my hand on your knee.

Well, you do.

In fact, it's still there.

What I think may be the most memorable interview either one of us has ever had.

How's it going?

Oh, just fine.

Ted and I are going to get together tomorrow and finish what we started

Murray? Yeah?

She wants to interview me in depth.

You won't need your scuba gear for that one.

Well, excuse me. I'm sure you're all exhausted from your trip. And there's a

people with the convention I still have to interview before it gets too late.

So I'll say goodnight.

I'll be in touch with you, Ted.

Mary, thanks for everything. Oh, thank you. It was our pleasure.

Goodnight now. Goodnight.

Gee,

she's nice, isn't she? Yeah.

Nice? That woman just hit on me, Mary.

Hit on you, Ted? She's warm for my form.

Ted, you're crazy. He told me the same thing in the room.

You guys don't believe me?

That woman wants my body.

Ted, if she was a grave robber, she wouldn't want your body.

That's not funny, Mary.

And I'm not lying.

I tell you what she said, but I'm afraid to say it in mixed company.

Okay, Ted.

What did she say?

She said she wanted to interview me in my room.

Tell me what that means, Mary.

It means she doesn't want to be seen with you in public.

Okay, wise guy.

She touched my knee.

Oh, Ted, come on. People touch people. It doesn't necessarily mean anything.

Mary, wise up. This is Hollywood.

Wild parties, orgies, whips.

People don't come here just for the oranges, you know.

Do you know what your trouble is, Ted?

You believe all those things about Hollywood.

Now, trust me, it's just the town like any other.

The people are no different here than any other place.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Excuse me, sir. Yeah?

Would you like to dance?

I wondered what time you wanted to meet tomorrow night.

Anytime you say.

Let's make it early, huh?

Say, uh, around eight? If it's no problem.

No problem. I'm all yours.

That's what I was hoping for.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

Murray, she's hitting on me again.

Ted, if you don't go to sleep, I'm going to start hitting on you.

I don't know what it is about you that attracted me to you so quickly.

Maybe it's that fantastic silver hair of yours.

Murray, she's a hair freak.

Well, if you get a skin freak, wake me.

Listen, listen.

I'm sorry I couldn't hear you. I was clipping my toenail.

I thought I should let you know how I felt.

Uh, excuse me. Someone's knocking on the door.

What is it?

Whitney's on the phone.

Oh, really?

Uh, that was just the maid. She wanted to turn my bed down.

You heard her, Murray. That beautiful woman wants me.

What do you say now?

There is no God.

Come on, Murray. Don't leave me alone.

I'm sorry, Ted. I've got to get home.

You can't be that homesick that you can't stay one more day. It has nothing

do with homesick. It's an emergency.

My kid's hamster is lethargic.

Murray, the only... reason I told Whitney it was okay to come tonight was

because you'd be here. If you go, who's going to save me? Save you from what?

From myself.

You're a man. You can understand what I'm going through.

I want to be true to Georgette, but how many times in a man's life does he get a

shot at a girl like Whitney?

May never happen again.

Sure never happened before.

I know that may come as a shock to you, Murray.

And I know you figure a guy as good -looking as me has probably got chicks

crawling all over him.

For some strange reason, it never happened to me.

Closest I ever came to having a beautiful girl go for me was when I was

school.

Mona Esposito.

A good -looking girl.

Fantastic.

One night I must have been upcouraged to ask her to go for a drive.

Took up a...

Dark, deserted road.

When we were in the middle of nowhere, I pulled over to the side and I told her

we were out of gas.

What happened?

Nothing.

By the time I got back with the gas, she was gone.

Mary!

I'm leaving now.

I just want to say goodbye.

Oh, right. Yeah, okay. See you at the office on Monday. I wouldn't leave if I

didn't have to. No, no, of course not.

Hope your hamster feels better.

Mary, make him stay.

Ted, look, I already told Marie I was going home. I'll see you Monday.

Well, then give me some advice, Marie.

How can I tell Whitney I'm not interested?

What are you asking me for?

I had a hard enough time telling that guy I didn't want a cha -cha.

Mary? Mary, don't leave me alone.

Well, Ted, I'm sorry, but I have a dinner date. Well, I don't know if I can

resist temptation.

I'm not sure how I'm going to behave with Whitney.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

Well, I can't help it, Mary. I'm a weak person.

And she's a really beautiful woman.

Really beautiful, Mary.

Now, don't take this the wrong way, but she makes you look like a dog.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Mary.

Remember, you introduced me to her. I mean, if anything happens, it's your

fault. Dad, what do you want me to do?

Save me for myself. Tell me how wrong it will be.

Mary, really lay it on me, please.

All right.

It would be bad.

Really bad.

Despicable.

Probably the worst thing you ever did in your life.

And you'll burn in hell.

You're going to have to do a lot better than that, Mary.

Just one more thing.

What would you do if you were married and something like this happened to you?

Ted, I... Mary, please.

All right, all right. If I were married and some man made the kind of

advantage... Oh, no, no, no. Not just some man.

Let's say it was Robert Redford.

Robert Redford?

By the way, Mary Whitney also makes him look like a bow -wow.

All right, Ted, all right. Even if it were Robert Redford.

I'm sure I would just tell him straight out. I would say, Robert...

It has to be Robert Redford.

He's telling you he wants you.

He needs you.

You start sniveling on your ear.

Gives you little bites on the back of the neck.

What would you do then?

Who did you say I was married to?

See, it isn't easy, is it? Aw, Ted, come on.

Who is it?

It's Whitney, Pat.

Mary, it's her. Please, what will I do? Ted, I can't be your conscience for you.

You're just going to have to be a man and do what's right.

Okay, okay, I'll be a man. I'll do what's right. Just do me one favor.

Listen at the keyhole.

If you hear me starting to enjoy myself, wait ten minutes, then break the door

down.

Interview? Oh, sure.

Can I go get you a typewriter?

You know that won't be necessary.

Excuse me.

I've got someone here.

In the next room, I have to check. I've got a high fever.

Almost as high as mine.

Dad, for crying out loud.

Relax, Mary. I've already got more than I can handle.

Dad, you get out of here this instant. She kissed me, Mary.

I'm a weak person. Please help me. I love Georgette, but that girl in there

could kiss for a living.

Dad, if you really love Georgette... I do, I do. Then just tell her you're

sorry.

business appointment in half an hour. Where?

I don't know where, Ted. It doesn't matter where.

Anywhere. Okay.

Okay. Business appointment anywhere.

Okay.

Is everything okay?

Oh, fine. Fine. I just remembered that I have a very important business

engagement in half an hour.

Oh, can't you break it? Well, I'm afraid not.

I mean, business is business.

Well.

Okay, that's the way it has to be.

That's the way it has to be.

Well, that's the way it is. I mean, that's the way it goes.

What are you going to do?

I mean, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Well, I'd better check on my friend. It's time to take the thermometer out.

Mary, it worked. Good.

I told her I had a business appointment and she bought it. Fine, fine.

Naturally, she's disappointed.

What woman wouldn't be? Ted, if you don't mind, I am trying to get dressed.

right, right. Mary, thanks. I'm really grateful.

I'll do the same for you if Robert Redford ever gets the hot.

Hi.

You're not feeling well?

You did say we only had a half hour.

Excuse me, I think my friend is dying.

Ted!

Yes?

What about me?

Oh, I'm sorry, my friend can't have any visitors.

That's not what I meant, Ted.

Hey, Whitney, there's something I've got to tell you.

Yes, Ted?

I mean, you're... You're a beautiful woman, and I appreciate the fact that

you're... You're attracted to me.

I'm a married man.

And I have a wonderful wife.

And I love... And I love her more than anything else in the whole world.

I can't make whoopee with you.

I mean, I wish I could, but I can't. I can, you know, but I can't.

You have no idea how much I wish I could.

But I... I made a vow to be faithful, and I'm not gonna break that vow for any

woman, even you.

You know, Ted,

You're quite a guy.

Yeah, I'm quite a guy.

You're not mad at me, are you?

No, Ted.

Well... It was nice meeting you, Whitney.

And it was nice doing whatever it was we didn't do.

Listen, I... I'll never forget tonight.

I... It'll remain something very special to me always.

And you're a wonderful woman to be so kind and understanding.

And if you're ever in Minneapolis, please stay away from my house.

Mary,

everything's fine.

Straightened out, perfect.

Good, good. Ted, I'd like you to meet Jim Sutton. This is Ted Baxter, our

anchorman. Hi. Hi.

You're going out with one of the greatest ladies in the world.

She's sweet, she's kind, helpful, a real angel.

Thanks, Mary. Oh, Ted, don't mention it. I'll see you in the morning. Oh,

there's just one more thing. Yes, Ted. If Whitney comes back, can I sleep with

you tonight?