Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all

seem worthwhile? Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Who wants a dog?

Mary, you want a dog?

A dog?

Gee, I don't think so, Mr. Grant. Nice dog. Nice dog. Four legs, tail, two

Says bow -wow. Nice dog.

Whose dog, Lou?

Some guy who works for United Press. He got transferred to London. He couldn't

take it with him. So he asked me if I wanted it. And naturally, you said yes.

Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Besides, I was bombed.

Stupid dog kept me awake all weekend.

All he does is howl all night.

Scratch at the doors, knock things over, tear up the rugs, rotten mutt.

Sure you don't want him, Mary? He's cute as hell.

Well, thanks, Mr. Grant, but the building I'm in doesn't allow pets.

Oh, they won't even notice him. You can sneak him in and out in your purse.

Oh, what kind of a dog is he, Lou?

St. Bernard.

Is St.

Bernard fully grown?

I sure hope so.

Mr. Grant, I'll tell you what.

I'll put a notice on the bulletin board. I'm sure someone will be interested.

Okay, just make sure you put down that he's cute, affectionate, lovable,

adorable. What's his name?

I don't know. I've been calling him Hitler.

Mary, I need your help. Hey, Ted, how'd you like to have a dog?

No, Mary, I want to have a baby.

Well, yeah, sure, but I mean... Mary, Georgette and I have been trying for

months now to have a kid.

Just haven't had any luck.

She hasn't been able to...

Sire me with a son.

There to the throne.

Prince to King Baxter.

I just don't know what to do.

Why don't you have her beheaded?

Mary, please, this is serious. Georgette and I want to have a baby real bad.

Fred, I don't know what you think I can do. Talk to her.

I want for the two of us to go to a doctor to find out what's wrong. Why we

can't have a baby.

Please.

For Georgette.

Come on over tonight and talk to her. You're a woman. She'll listen to you.

you're her husband.

Well, I know that. If I wasn't, would I be asking you to help us have a baby?

What I mean is, why don't you talk to her? I tried.

You won't listen to me.

She's very depressed.

Last night, she cried herself to sleep.

What time do you want me there?

Well, we usually have dinner around 7 .30. Fine.

So, figure around 9.

Thanks. I'll be there.

Hi, Georgette. Hi, Mary. What a nice surprise.

Oh, didn't Ted tell you I was coming over?

Uh -huh, and I told him the same thing. What a nice surprise.

Oh, Georgette, are you sick?

Mm, I'm fine.

Well, then why are you taking your temperature?

Ted and I are trying to have a baby.

And somebody told me the chances of conceiving are much better when your

temperature's above 98 .6. Oh, yeah, right. Well, listen, Georgia, maybe I'll

come back, you know, some other time when you're not so busy.

No, Mary, stay.

It's all right.

Hi, Mary.

Hi.

Still 98 .6.

Just as well. I'm watching the Three Stooges.

Mary, I've been taking my temperature for three weeks. It never goes above 98

.6.

I don't know what to do. I've tried everything.

Vitamins, positive thinking.

I even went to a gypsy lady.

She told me that Ted and I should try eating broccoli and making love in an

empty store.

No, this is none of my business. You know, my mother said we should try

the King family. Maybe they know something.

Commercial.

Oh, still the same. No change.

I'm sorry, Ted.

That's okay.

That's another reason I want a baby, Mary.

So Ted will have someone to watch the Three Stooges with.

Listen, if you and Ted really want to have a child, don't you think that maybe

you should see a doctor? I mean, maybe he can tell you what's wrong.

I'm afraid, Mary.

Suppose he tells me it's my fault we can't have children.

Ted would never love me anymore.

Oh, Georgette, that's ridiculous. Of course he would.

I think I know Ted, and I think if he found out you two couldn't have

he'd be disappointed, but he'd get over it.

I think what he wouldn't be able to accept, though, is the thought that you

could have done something about it, but you refused.

You know?

All right, Mary, I'll go.

Oh, good for you.

And I'm sure everything's going to be just fine.

Let me know how you make out, okay? Okay.

Gee, I wish there was some way I could thank you. Oh, don't be silly.

If you like broccoli, I've got a room full.

Say goodnight to Ted. Okay, goodnight, Mary.

Ted, I've decided to see the doctor.

Oh, that's terrific, Georgette. And I'll go and see mine.

Who knows, maybe we can find out what the trouble is and we can do something

about it and everything will be all right. Maybe we can handle it. Can't

Let's take a look at that temperature now.

Any change?

Yeah, it's gone down a point.

and a dopey mutt. Mr. Baird, are you all right?

Evil, mean, sneaky, dirty, rotten, dopey mutt. Then what happened?

It was morning while I was taking my shower. He jumped up on the bar and

over all my booze. Oh, no.

Yeah, whatever spilled, he drank.

Bourbon, gin, rye. Well, is he okay, Lou?

He never felt better in his life.

I just brought him into the vet to get him dried out.

What does it like to carry 150 pounds St. Bernard when he's drunk? You carried

him? Carried him? I had to. Whenever I put him down, all he wanted to do was

dance.

Oh, poor Mr.

Grant. No, I don't know.

The dog drinks and dances.

What more could a single guy ask for?

Hi, Mary.

Hi, Jeff.

Georgia hasn't come by yet, has she? No. was she supposed to? Yeah, on her way

back from the doctor. I just come back from mine.

Oh.

And?

Oh, fine.

Dr. Tomei was in great shape. Exactly as I figured. Stud city.

Well, well, congratulations.

You know, it's an interesting examination to give you, Mary.

They have to have this count.

In order for a guy and his chick to have a baby... Yeah, Ted, I know how that

works. You know, high school biology and all.

Oh, no, no, no.

Larry, all they teach in biology is how to take a frog apart. They don't even

tell you how to put it back together again.

Pay attention. This is different. It's highly technical.

Now, in order for a man to become a father, he has to have at least 70

of these little baby makers.

Baby makers.

If he's got more than 70 million of these little guys, he's okay.

But if he's got less... Well...

That means that he and his wife can't make a baby. You get it? And you have

than enough.

You kidding?

They're coming out of my ears.

Hello there, Georgette. Hello there, Georgette. What did the doctor say?

Good news. There's nothing wrong with me. Oh, that's terrific.

Me too.

Oh, Georgette, that's wonderful.

Yes, that means it's only a question of time before I have a baby.

Imagine.

Next year, I may have someone to bounce on my knee besides Ted.

You know something, Ted? I think you're going to make a wonderful father.

Uh -huh. Soon there may be a Ted Baxter Jr.

Yeah.

Something I've always wanted. A son.

Someone to buy toys for.

Someone to play catch with.

Someone to go fishing with.

Someone to take to the ballgame.

There's not going to be any kid.

I found out today that I don't have enough of those little baby makers.

But, Ted, you just said that the doctor said... I lied. I was so ashamed.

Just have 50 million of those little guys.

I'm a failure as a man. I'm sorry, Georgia. Oh, Ted.

Oh, Lou.

can't give birth.

Ted, Ted, come on, come on. You've got to pull yourself together.

Now look, Ted, I know what you're going through. I know what you're going

through. So you can't have a kid. You can't let that destroy you. You're too

a man for that.

You've got to pick yourself up.

There are other things in life worth living for.

There are?

Sure there are.

Sure there are.

For instance, would you ever consider owning a dog?

A rat.

Real.

I'm sorry. Listen, if there's anything I can do, let me know. Thanks.

Sorry.

Okay, Teddy Bear.

Everything's going to be all right.

Why me?

Why can't I have a kid? It's not fair.

If Sonny and Sharon Gregoire are going to have a kid, why can't I?

Hiya, Georgette.

Hi, Murray.

What's the matter, Tad?

Murray, it's the end of the Baxter line.

After me, they will never, ever...

In the history of the world, be another Ted Baxter.

What happened? Somebody pass a law?

I can never, ever be a father.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that, Ted.

Very sorry, Georgette. I really am.

It's the one thing in life I've always wanted. Ever since I was a kid, I wanted

a little kid.

I've been thinking about this a long time. What would happen if we couldn't

children?

And I don't know how you feel about this, but seeing as how we both want a

so badly, what do you say we adopt one?

Adopt one? No, Georgette, that's out of the question.

But why, kid?

It would be so wonderful.

Don't you think so, Mary?

Oh, well, Georgette, I think this is something that the two of you have to

decide. You know, it's a very personal issue, and I don't think that I should

offer an opinion one way or the other.

Well, what's wrong with adopting, Ted?

I don't know. I just can't see myself bringing up a kid that really doesn't

belong to me. Ted, children belong to whoever looks after them and loves them.

Well, I just don't think I could do it.

Ted, all those things you want a child for, to take fishing, to take to the

hockey games, you can do all those with an adopted child, and he'll love you

even more for it. Isn't that right, Mary?

Maybe, but it takes a long... Not if we adopt an older child.

Believe me, kid, somewhere there's a child who needs us as much as we need a

child.

just got a toy for my future kid. It's a puzzle. You've got to get the animals

in the right holes.

Well, Ted, you're probably going to get a child at least seven or older, and

this says that it's for children under five.

This is for five -year -old children?

Now it's going to have to be a very strong kid to get it in.

Say, have you got a nail file on you, Mary? I'll get the edge off you. Ted,

you're not supposed to...

to do that. Weren't you supposed to... Don't tell me.

I want my son and I to figure it out.

You're really excited about adopting this child, aren't you? I sure am.

The last week I haven't been able to think of anything else.

I want him more than anything now.

Even more than... more than getting this lousy elephant in this stupid hole.

Ted, I think that hole is for the giraffe.

You see the long neck?

Oh, I thought that was for the elephant's trunk.

Well, sometimes they try to trick you.

Very good.

Hello? This may be it, Mary. It's my lawyer.

Hello, Frank. How's it coming?

What do you mean, nine months to a year?

Whoever had to wait nine months to have a kid?

There's nothing you can do? Are you sure? Nothing?

Yep. Oh, okay. Thanks.

Thanks for trying, Frank.

Oh,

Ted.

Okay, so you have to wait a while.

It's not the end of the world.

This wasn't meant to be, Mary.

Doctors said I couldn't have a kid. Now the adoption agency's calling, telling

me I can't have a kid.

Let's face it.

Ted Baxter is an endangered species.

Hi, honey, I'm home.

a couple of drinks. Yeah, but he'll be all right. Yeah, a couple of drinks.

He'll be all right.

Ted, why?

He took it kind of hard when he found out he couldn't adopt a kid right away.

When he didn't come back from lunch, we went out looking for him.

Ted, you know you can't drink.

I'm still fine, honey.

When I didn't come back from lunch, we went out looking for him.

Do you want us to stay, Georgette?

No, thank you. I'll take care of him. Okay.

Thank you for bringing him home. Hey, when a guy's had a little too much to

drink, it's up to his buddies to keep him out of trouble.

Yeah, so we just put him in the car and brought him home. Yeah, in the trunk.

Oh,

Ted.

Um, sorry, honey.

I really am.

I've been trying to reach you all day. The agency called this afternoon.

who just changed their minds.

He's ours if the agency approves of us.

Then we can have him right away?

My son, my boy?

I can't be drunk.

I can't be drunk.

I can't be drunk. I can't be drunk.

Okay,

okay, I'm ready.

Mr. and Mrs. Baxter, how do you do? I'm Mrs. Adams.

I'm sorry I'm a little late, but I really had a hectic day.

Oh, what a lovely apartment.

Thank you.

We live here, you know.

And you've got that nice park right across the street.

Yes, we're very happy here.

May I take your hat?

I haven't got a hat.

Oh, why, I guess somebody else took it.

Wouldn't you like to sit down?

Oh, thank you.

Why would I?

I'm sure your wife has told you that a child is available.

Oh, that's a nice dress.

Thank you. And those are great glasses. Aren't those terrific glasses,

Georgette?

Love your ribs. They're great ribs.

You know something?

You're cute.

Georgette, why don't we adopt her?

Well, thank you very much, Mr.

and Mrs. Baxter. I think I've found out all I need to know. It was nice meeting

you.

They're nice shoes.

They look just like mine.

They are mine.

Oh, could you come back tomorrow and see us?

I don't think I'll be able to. I've got a very heavy schedule.

We're not going to get the child, are we?

I don't make those decisions, Mrs. Baxter.

The agency will be in touch with you. I'm sorry, Georgia.

I ruined it for us. Oh, Ted, don't blame yourself. It's not your fault.

I want the kids so bad, more than anything in the whole world.

I know, kid, but we still got each other, and that's what matters.

But please try to understand.

I have a responsibility to see that these children are placed in suitable

Suitable?

You don't think we're suitable?

Let me tell you about suitable.

That man has papered in an entire room with the three bears for his new child.

So it's the kitchen. So he made a mistake.

But he cares so much.

And you say he's not suitable.

Just so the child won't get a shock.

For safety, that man moved every electric socket six feet high.

He went out and paid $12 for toys.

Now that may not sound like much to you, but it's more than he paid for my

engagement ring.

My Lord, I'm a beautiful human being.

I'll tell you what.

Let's do this again tomorrow.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, good. That's a great idea.

Come on.

Let's go get a good night's sleep. We'll talk to her tomorrow.

What are you doing? I'm a married man.

There you go, Mr. Grant.

Okay, Murray. Sign it and hurry up. Ted and the kid will be here any minute.

There it is, Lou.

Okay. Gee, I hope the little guy likes his present. I'll relax. He's gonna love

it. Boy, it's hard to imagine Ted Baxter taking on that kind of responsibility,

you know?

Trying to mold and develop a tiny mind.

Why? He's been doing it for 40 years.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ted Baxter takes great pride in presenting to the WJM

newsroom the heir to the Baxter throne, Master David Belmore Baxter.

Ta -da!

Thank you. Thank you very much. And your father is the best anchorman.

Yes, I know. He told me that, too.

And this is Mary Richards.

David, it's really a pleasure to meet you. And you can call me Mary. Thank

You're welcome.

Is it true you were once madly in love with my father?

David, you'll embarrass Mary.

I want you to meet my son, David.

This is Mr.

Grant.

Hello, David. How do you do?

Nice to meet you, Mr. Grant.

Yeah. Well, hey, David, come on in my office. We've got a present for you.

Is it okay, Dad?

Sure, son.

Did you hear that?

He called me Dad.

No kid's ever said that to me before.

Ted, he's just wonderful.

You should be very happy, Ted. He's a nice boy.

There's only one thing that bothers me.

What? How old do you think he should be before I tell him he's adopted?

Hi, Mommy. Hiya, Judge. We just met David. He's a terrific boy. Yeah, he's a

great kid. Good luck.

Thank you.

Yeah, Lou likes him, too. He's inside now giving her a present. Oh, that's

I have a present for you, too, Ted.

Oh, what is it?

You're pregnant?

Yes, you're kidding.

Hey, well, congratulations again, Ted. Oh, Georgia, that's funny to me.

Georgia, what are you talking about?

The doctor said we're going to have a baby.

But how?

Well, you know those little guys you said you didn't have enough of?

Uh -huh.

Well, you may not have as many as the doctor said you should have, but one of

the little buggers did the job.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Hey, how about that?

I did it.

Isn't it wonderful?

Now we'll have a real family. We'll have a wife, a son, maybe a daughter on the

way. What more could a man possibly ask for?