Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can have the time, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

Oh, did Ted get in yet, ma 'am? No, not yet.

See, I don't get it. Usually on the day they announce the nominees for the Teddy

Awards, he's the first one in.

You don't suppose, Murray, after all these years, Ted finally doesn't care

whether or not he's nominated?

Oh, who knows?

All right, guys, I'm sorry I'm late. I stopped off at church.

Braid my guts out.

Any word on the nominations?

Uh, not yet, Ted. Any minute.

Well, I sure hope I win a nomination.

I promised God if I won, I'd send an underprivileged kid to this jockey

Why do some people get so excited about these awards?

I mean, for one thing, they're very unfair.

You have never been nominated as best news writer, and I don't think that's

right. Well, I don't know.

But I can't help wanting to get at least one nomination.

Yeah, I used to feel that way every year, too, but not this year. I'm not

to get all caught up in your cravings.

Well, that's because you're a shoe -in this year. No!

Oh, Murray, it's because I feel I did a good job, so it doesn't matter whether

or not I'm nominated.

You know, you're being very mature about that.

Hey, the nominations are in.

Hey, I've been nominated. Hot buns.

Well, what about the writing? Oh, let's see. Let's see. Zoom, zoom, zoom. Here

it is.

Nominations for Best Writer, News or Documentary, Harold Renner, Lester

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And Murray Slaughter!

Thanks a lot, Mary. Thanks a lot. Hey, how about this? That's terrific.

Hey, listen, don't you want to see if you were nominated? Ah, no, not really.

Like I said, I think everyone takes them much too seriously.

You weren't nominated.

You've got to be kidding.

Just Mary and me and Sue Ann Nivens for Best Daytime Program.

Well, as I said, I think we all take these things much too seriously. It

matter. Right. It's not the end of the world. Right, exactly.

Let me see that again.

Mary, if you went to church more often, this wouldn't have happened.

Lou, did you hear the great news?

You're quitting.

Lou, I've been nominated for another Teddy Award. Isn't that exciting?

Yeah. Any calls, Murray? No. Hey, Mr. Grant, Murray got a nomination, too.

no kidding?

Well, congratulations, Murray. You son of a gun. I'm really proud of you.

terrific. Sure, sure. Make a fuss over Murray.

I always knew it. Ball -headed guys are clannish.

Mary. Oh, hi, Sue Ann. Oh, it's nice to see that you're still cheerful after not

being nominated for a Teddy Award, as I was.

Mary, this is Doug Kellum, Mary Richards.

Hi, Doug. Nice to meet you. Doug is from Saskatchewan.

He was on my show last week when I was demonstrating how to cook without a

kitchen.

Hit it off, didn't we, Doug?

You know it, honey.

I've been teaching Sue Ann the joys of the great outdoors.

And I've been teaching him the joys of the great indoors.

He's Louie?

Yeah, he is.

Mary, I'm going to have to hurt him so. I promised him I'd go to the awards with

him, and now Dougie wants to take me.

Well, it's terrible when you have to break one man's heart to satisfy another

man's desires.

How lucky you are you won't ever have that problem.

Come in.

Lou, I'm afraid I have bad news for you.

It's really terrible and I just can't put off telling you any longer.

What? What's wrong? What is it?

Well, you know that date we have.

What date?

This year's Teddy Awards.

When do we make that date?

Don't you remember?

No, when?

At last year's awards. I said maybe we should go together this year.

Well, you said sure, we'll see.

So, we do have a date.

Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

And that's the bad news?

No, the bad news is I'm going to have to break the date.

Oh, Sue Ann.

Oh, darn it.

I mean, you make a date. I look forward to it for a whole...

Lou, you are in pain.

Which of course delights me, but I just can't go with you.

You see, I... How can I make this easy for you?

I've met someone better.

Then my Indian guide turns to me and he says, your guess as good as mine.

Dougie, this is Lou Grant.

Oh, how you doing, Polly?

Hi, Dougie.

I was just telling Mary about the time my canoe capsized, zooming down the

Colorado Rapids. No kidding.

Yeah, yeah, but luckily my Indian guide had a wooden leg, and we both held on to

it and managed to stay afloat.

Oh, isn't he wonderful, Lou?

He has such an instinct for survival.

Yeah, it's all come in handy.

do for a living? Ah, you name it, I've done it. Oh?

Salesman? No.

Labor? No.

Uh, factory worker?

No. Truck driver? No.

What have you done? You name it.

And now you must excuse us. I have to get back to the studio.

Oh, and Lou.

Thanks for being so understanding about the Teddy Awards.

And you cheer up.

One day you'll meet a wonderful, sexy, beautiful woman who'll make you forget

me.

In the meantime, why don't you take Mary?

Hey, Mary.

You want to go to the awards with me? Oh, come on, Mr. Grant.

That's sweet. You don't have to ask me to go to the awards.

You'd be the best date in the world.

Yeah. I don't have to bring you flowers or candy.

I don't have to talk if I don't feel like it.

I don't even have to kiss you.

It's just like being married.

Yes, we are, dear. Listen, you pretend we're not even here yet, and you go on,

finish putting on your makeup.

I have finished putting on my makeup.

Well, suit yourself.

Doesn't Sue Ann look terrific tonight?

Lovely. Would you believe, Mary?

I made this dress.

I'm amazed you were able to find that much material.

A little scotch for me, neat.

Okay, I'll have the same with just a touch of water.

Nice apartment, Mary.

Thank you. Did you decorate it yourself?

Yeah, I did.

Wow, it's fantastic.

Oh, dear, Doug.

You have been out in the woods too long.

Mind if I look around a bit? No, please, go right ahead.

Mary, you have to keep me from being foolish.

What do you mean?

I feel like a schoolgirl whenever I'm with him.

Mary.

How do you know when you're really in love?

Well, Sue Ann, I guess, you know, that differs from person to person. I'll tell

you how you know.

You know you're in love when you totally screw up Hungarian goulash.

I tried it the other day and I was all thumbs. A simple thing like that.

I mean, who could be bothered? A half cup, a whole cup. My cup is running

Well, Sue Ann, you think it's the real thing, huh?

The real thing?

Mary, those noodles were burned solid to the bottom of the pan.

And I had to go after the gravy with an ice pick. Oh, Sue Ann, that's wonderful.

I'm really happy for you.

That's quite a view.

Well, thank you.

Well, shall we drink to the Teddy Awards?

Oh, I already have my award. A living, breathing statue of Adonis.

Awarded to the woman who best knows what to do with him.

Would anyone care for some dip?

Isn't he a wonderful hunk of man, Mary?

I just love a good dip.

So strong, so virile, so... This isn't just any package dip, you realize. This

is a recipe of my mother's. It's cream cheese, onion, and... They don't make

like this anymore. They don't make dip like this anymore.

freshen up before anyone else gets here.

Would you care for some dip?

No, thank you.

She's quite a woman. Yes, she really is quite a woman.

So are you.

Well, thank you very much.

No, no, I mean it. Listen, maybe I shouldn't say this, but I believe in

honest.

You've got it all over Sue Ann.

Okay, Doug, look, let's just cut this dumb talk right now, all right? Okay.

Actually, you did. You see, Mary tried to attack me, but I fought her off.

Isn't he wonderful, Mary?

And he's all mine.

Well, well, I wonder where everybody is.

Oh, Mary, I didn't show you the beautiful ring Doug gave me yesterday.

Isn't it lovely?

Oh, yes, that's lovely. That's terrific.

He carved it out of a peach pit.

Oh, hiya, ma 'am. Hi, you look terrific.

Oh, thanks, thanks. Hi, everybody.

Where's Marie?

Well, one of our kids has got a cold.

Oh, gee, that's too bad. Yeah, besides, I don't think she wanted to come.

I mean, she said I was so nervous, I made her nervous.

Isn't that silly?

I mean, I may be excited, Mary, but I'm not nervous. I mean, you know, nervous

is a whole different thing.

You want a drink?

Don't I have one? No.

Then I would. Scotch and soda, please. Okay. I'll get it myself.

Mary, dear, say hello to little Kelly. Hi. How you doing? Good to see you.

Hi. Hi, Mary.

Mary,

it was Ted's idea.

It was?

It's terrific.

Right. Why spend all that money on a gown she's only gonna wear once?

I

don't

care what anybody says.

I think we look like the top of a gay wedding cake

Mary, I feel silly enough already.

I'll have a cassis and vermouth with a dash of bitters, two drops of dry

some lime juice, and a green cherry.

I don't have bitters.

A glass of water will be fine.

Who would you get that, Georgette? Hi,

Georgette.

It's a rental.

Oh, what's Ted charging you?

Lou, do you think I'm going to win tonight?

I don't know, Ted, but do me a favor. If you lose, don't trip the winner like

you did last year.

Hey, that was an accident, Lou.

How come the winner trips every time you lose?

What a coincidence.

Let me have a double scotch. Mr. Grant, I want to talk to you.

Okay, make it a single. No, no, it's not your drinking I'm talking about.

Oh, good. Let me have a double.

What's wrong?

Sue Ann's boyfriend made a pass at me.

What? Yeah, while she was out of the room. He kissed me.

What'd you do?

I slapped him.

I'll kill him. No, Mr. Grant.

Don't make a scene.

I'll kill him quiet.

Did you at least tell Sue Ann? No.

I'm not going to butt in. She's a grown woman. She can take care of herself.

Mr. Grant, I don't want to talk about it anymore. Let's get back to the party.

If you don't want to talk about it, why don't you bring it up?

Mr. Baird, I have no time for logic.

And for the best documentary, the nominees are Senior Citizens on Parade,

producer Karen Hiller, Police Dogs You Can Trust, A Vanishing Breed,

producer George Troy, and Water Pollution in Minneapolis, Don't Ask

Our Fish to Live in a Ghetto.

Producer Hal Stevens.

You should have won this award, Mary. Oh, come on, Murray. These are all

terrific shows.

And the winner is... Karen Hiller.

What so I ever thought in my life?

That's what I like about you, Mary.

You're good music.

Well, here it comes.

Your next award is for the best news writer.

You know, I told my kids that if I win, I'll mention all their names. Hey,

that's a good idea.

Yeah, if I could only remember them.

Let's see. Bonnie Ellen Susie and the Vietnamese kid we adopted.

Lee Chin.

Yeah, Lee Chin.

And now the award for the best writer, news or documentary.

The nominees are Howard Brenner, KDF -TV, Lester Hocker, Public Service

Television, and Murray Slaughter, WJM -TV.

And the winner is... Lester Hocker.

Hi, Bonnie, Ellen, Luke, and Lietzen.

Well, I don't care what they say, Murray. You're still the best.

Right. We're lucky to have you. Thanks, Ted. Thanks. Listen, maybe we ought to

check this guy, Lester Hocker, out and see if he's available.

Just a thought.

Next category.

He's the best anchorman.

Okay, okay. Everybody listen.

When I win, George, after you throw your arms around me, give me a big kiss.

The rest of you, just squeal with delight and jump to your feet and

Ted. Okay, okay. Just don't boo.

And now the award for the year's outstanding anchorman.

The nominees are Ted Baxter, 6 o 'clock news, WJM.

Barry Waldron, news close -up, WJR. That was a stiff.

Hank Denhoff, 11 o 'clock report, WJR. Turkey.

Please. God, please.

And the winner is... Barry Waldron, news close -up.

What's all happening to you?

We'll be right back after this message.

You're the only one left, Sue Ann. Good luck.

Sue Ann, did you prepare a speech?

Oh, yes.

I thought I'd let them enjoy my dimples for a while.

Then I thought I would thank my new business partner.

Your business partner?

Yes. Doug and I are going to form our own corporation.

A 50 -50 business partnership. Isn't that wonderful?

Yeah, that's great.

It's wonderful.

Terrific. Oh, I knew you'd be happy about that.

I'm going to go fix my lipstick. I think I still have a few minutes before my

category. Mary, why don't you go with Sue Ann?

Oh, gee, Mr. Grant, I don't have to. Yes, you have to.

You have to. Yes, I guess you're right, I do.

How did you know?

I'm afraid they kicked me out.

I lost, Lou.

I'm sorry. I... I wanted you to be so proud of me.

It's all right, Ted. It doesn't matter.

Thanks.

Even if you won, I wouldn't be proud of you.

have to tell you this, but boy, I just, I can't stand by and see you get hurt.

I have to tell you, I just have to.

Well, Mary, if my bra strap is showing, why don't you come right out and tell

me?

Sue Ann, Doug made a pass at me.

Oh, listen, Mary, lots of times men are used to gesturing with their hands. They

put their hands on someone's shoulders and...

Well, people with provincial principles tend to misinterpret.

Sue Ann, he grabbed me with both arms.

Well, you offered him a drink. Perhaps he was just saying thank you.

He kissed me.

Thank you very much.

Oh, Sue Ann, come on. Please.

Now, who am I to believe?

If I go to Doug, I... I know you'll deny it. And Doug is a man who has shared

his innermost thoughts.

A man who loves me, respects me, understands me.

Now, do I believe him or someone who has never been really close to me, who has

every reason to be jealous, who couldn't make a souffle if her life depended on

it?

Oh, damn it, Mary, I believe you.

I feel so alone.

Oh, well, don't feel alone, Sue Ann. I'm here.

I need comforting, and you don't know what to do. Tell me what to do. I'll do

it.

Take my head and pat it.

Oh, be careful.

Don't mess my hair. My category's next.

I think we're doing wonderfully for two people who don't like each other.

So do I.

By the way, dear, for those mascara stains on your dress, try a dab of

petroleum jelly before placing them in warm suds with a little bit of baking

soda. Well, well.

Oh.

Mary, I'm going to have to do something very difficult.

I'm going to have to go out there and ditch Dougie.

What am I going to say to him?

You just say to him that you think he is the lowest kind of cheap, unfeeling,

money -grubbing parasite and you never want to see him again.

All right.

I just hope he doesn't take it the wrong way.

You know, maybe you folks can help me out because there's something I've never

understood. I've been going to these award dinners for years, and it's just

minutes of glory.

Why do people feel badly if they don't win?

Isn't it more important how you feel about yourself?

Don't you get more from a feeling of self -worth than you do from a silly

statue?

I believe I can answer that.

No.

And good luck to both of us.

There is no us.

Mary just told me what happened between the two of you.

Hey, honey, one kiss. Oh, just go away.

Come on, Saranda. I don't.

Hey, hold it down. Don't you touch me. I don't care.

Please, honey. Will you please go away? You heard what she said, buddy. Go away.

Who's going to make it?

I am. Mr. Grant.

You got it.

I had no idea it was so easy.

All I said was step outside and stepped outside.

for the best daytime program are Fred Richter's Exercise Emporium, W -O -U -L,

Janet Halperin, Macrame Matinee, W -A -S, and Sue Ann

Nivens, the Happy Homemaker.

W -J -M -T -V.

Hey, Sue Ann, the guy was a bum.

Sue Ann, control yourself.

That yellow guy over there.

Yeah, he's waiting for you Who is he the guy you tripped?

Don't worry about I'll take care of this in two seconds

Hey fella

you want to step outside yeah You got it. After you. Thanks.

Oh!