Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all

seem worthwhile? Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after

How's this for a feature story, Mayor? We do a segment exposing the shameful

lack of originality on television today.

Well, they did that last week on Channel 6.

So what?

Hello, muckrakers.

Mary, I just dropped by, dear, to tell you to be sure to stop in my studio this

week. I'm devoting all my shows to you poor, unfortunate single girls.

I'm ready.

I'm going to be telling them how to cook for the potential mate, how to dress

for the potential mate. Sue Ann, in case you've forgotten, you are single also.

Oh, yes, but that's only because I don't happen to place my love life above my

profession.

I thought that was your profession.

Oh, Murray, wedding Murray.

Jokes fall from your lips. Almost as fast as hair falls from your lips.

No, you should stop lying, Harry.

Today's show is called Why Date a Dud When You Could Grab a Stud.

Okay, I've got it. I know, and I want it.

I've got the subject for a feature story.

Oh, what is it, Lou?

Guns. We're going to show everybody that it's much too easy to buy a gun in this

town. Murray, you're going out on the streets with a hidden camera crew.

And you're going to buy every kind of gun or rifle that you can get your hands

on, legally or illegally.

Oh, Mr. Grant, that's a great idea.

But listen, I've got one question. What? Wouldn't it be better as a first -hand

report? Shouldn't we send Ted out for this story?

No, we can't. Why not?

I don't think we should risk having people with guns near Ted.

In that case, I've got a question. What?

Don't you think we should send Ted out for this story?

If you have any problems, let me know.

Hi, guys.

Hiya, Ted.

Hi.

Beautiful day, isn't it? Makes you really feel great to be alive.

Ted, is something wrong?

No, I'm fine. Why?

Well, I don't know. You seem kind of down.

Oh, don't be silly. I never felt better.

Are you sure, Ted?

I haven't seen you this depressed since your barber stopped giving balloons.

That's funny, Mary. That's really funny. I love it.

Good joke.

Hey, Ted, guess what?

Mr. Grant came up with a great idea for our news feature. We're going to do an

expose on gun sales. Oh, that's great, Mary. That's really great. I love a good

news feature.

Ted, what's wrong?

Please, Mary, stop asking what's wrong. Nothing's wrong. I'm fine. Absolutely

fine. I just want to be alone. I want my privacy. I want people to mind their

own business. And most of all, I want my mommy.

Mary, I'm thinking of leaving him.

Georgette, you don't mean that.

Yes, I do. I even told him so this morning.

Oh, well, no wonder he was so upset today.

Georgette, why?

Because I don't think he loves me.

Oh, well, that's just silly.

What made you think that?

I wish I could tell you, Mary, but it's just not the kind of thing you can

discuss.

Well, Georgette, I want to help you. I really do.

But how can I help you if I don't know what it is? I mean, you're going to have

to be open.

I can't.

Well, Georgette, look, you obviously do want to discuss this. Otherwise, you

wouldn't have waited outside my door for me to come home. Now, come on, what is

it?

It's our sex life.

Maybe you're right.

Everything was fine until we got married.

I mean, after all, I mean, some things you can discuss and some things you

can't, right?

Then all of a sudden, he became very cool.

There are just some things that are better left unsaid.

Lately, he's been sleeping out on the couch every night.

The only time he comes to bed now is when he has a headache.

Really, I've tried everything.

Exotic perfumes, romantic music.

I even bought a see -through robe to wear over my pajamas.

Georgette, I really think the person you should be talking to about this is Ted.

I tried, Mary.

He swears he still loves me.

Says that it's just a stage he's going through.

Well, there you are.

Mary, that was three months ago, and it's only getting worse.

I don't know what to do.

Georgette, I don't...

have much experience with this kind of thing. I mean, I wish I could advise

but I think you should talk to someone who knows more about these matters.

Maybe Ted needs help.

What kind of help?

Professional help.

Maybe he should see a psychiatrist.

I have a friend who's supposed to be just terrific. I mean, you could tell

that I told you to call.

What do you think?

Well, it makes more sense than what I had in mind.

What was that?

Black satin sheets.

Hey, Georgette.

Are you okay?

Yeah.

Did you have dinner?

Well, I ate at my mother's.

Did you have a nice time?

Well, yeah, usual. We had dinner and we watched television, then I helped her

blue her hair.

Did you tell her about us?

No. I was afraid I might break the poor woman's heart.

You didn't mention anything?

Well, I started to, but I couldn't finish. She wanted to watch the hockey

Dad, what's happening to us? Nothing's happening to us. Try to understand,

Georgette.

Just because I prefer to sleep on the couch at night doesn't mean I don't love

you. But we're married.

Well, so is Thomas Edison.

He slept on the couch, too. He was the Wizard of Menlo Park.

What has that got to do with us?

Who knows?

Maybe I'm on the brink of a great invention.

Do you really love me?

Georgette, I love you as no man has ever loved another woman.

I know.

Ted, if you really love me, you'll try to do something about your problem.

Problem? Who's got a problem?

You do, Ted.

And I think you could use some help, honey.

What kind of help?

Professional help.

I think maybe you should see a psychiatrist.

A psychiatrist? Oh, no. I'm not letting anybody fool around with my brain.

It's taken me too long to get it the way it is.

Ted, for your own sake.

Georgette, I'm not going to a psychiatrist.

I already made an appointment. Okay, I'm not going.

Please?

No.

Well, why should I?

Because I want our marriage to last forever.

Because I think you're the most wonderful man in the whole world.

Because I love you.

And because if you don't, I'm going to dump you.

You're a hard woman, Georgette.

You better believe it.

What time do I have to be there?

Tomorrow at two.

Okay.

Just answer me one thing.

If I hadn't agreed to go, would you really have dumped me?

No. I'm not as tough as I look.

Hey, what do you say we turn in early tonight, Tiger?

Oh, Teddy Bear.

I mean, if I have to go see that psychiatrist, I'm going to need all the

can get.

I am very good. This will only take a minute. Sue Ann, tomorrow my helpful

with a single girl is what turns a man on.

Of course, I know lots of ideas how to get a man interested myself, but I

thought you might know a couple we could actually talk about on the air. Sue

Ann, look, I am really very busy, and I haven't the vaguest idea what turns a

man on.

Well, I realize that, dear.

I just thought if I asked you, I might make your day.

No, I just wanted to go someplace with me. Ted, could I ask you a question?

What turns you on about a woman?

You been talking to George yet?

No, no, no. Ted, Sue Ann is doing a show about the single woman, and she just

wants to know what gets a man interested.

Well, I think it's a terrible idea for a show prying into things like that.

There are certain things that should remain private. A guy's love life is one

them. As far as I'm concerned, there are two things that have no place on

television. Sex and violence.

I never knew those were two different things.

What's with him?

I don't know. I think he was just embarrassed.

Well, I don't know why he should be. I certainly wouldn't be embarrassed if

someone wanted to know what turns me on about a man.

I'm sure you wouldn't be.

I would simply say it right out. I think a man should be virile and macho and

just reeking with masculinity.

The rifles I got legitimately from a gun store.

And the pistols I got from a hawk shop.

Slipping the guy an extra 50 bucks and promising I'd buy a moose head.

What about the machine gun?

Oh, well, I had a lot of luck there, Mary.

I got it from a guy who knew a guy who knew a maniac.

Mr. Grant, look at this.

Hey!

Hey!

Nice going, Murray. Not bad, huh, Lou? Yeah, where'd you get these?

All over town.

Yeah? Well, did anybody ask you any questions?

Yeah, one guy.

See, I went into a sporting goods store, and I asked him if I could buy ten

rifles and a thousand rounds of ammunition.

Then the clerk asked me what I wanted them for.

What'd you tell him?

Well, I told him I was going to start my own army so I could overthrow the

government of the United States.

What'd he say?

Well, then he asked me if I'd like to look at some uniforms.

All right.

Well, good story. Write it up, and we'll put it on tonight. Good work, Murray.

Hey, didn't anyone...

Say anything to you, going around with those guns?

Oh, no.

But it was the first time a cab driver ever gave me a tip.

Expecting trouble?

Ted, Mr. Vance in now.

Oh, good. I've got to see him right away.

Lou, I've got to talk to you.

Ted, I'm trying to work. You don't just barge in here without knocking.

Sorry.

Who is it?

Ted.

Go away.

Lou, please, you've got to do me this favor. It's the most important thing

ever ask you to do.

Ted, I've already told you. You can't sing the news.

Not that, Lou. This is really important.

All right, what is it?

It's a secret.

You have to promise you won't tell anybody.

I promise.

Swear. Ted, swear.

I swear.

Criss -cross, applesauce, spit in the ocean, hope to die.

Right. You got to say it, Lou. Criss -cross.

Criss -cross.

Applesauce. Applesauce. Spit in the ocean. Spit in the ocean. Hope to die.

to die.

All right, now, all together.

Dick!

I'm sorry.

What's the secret?

Lou, I'm going to go see a psychiatrist. I can't tell you whether it's personal.

I'll give you a hint.

There's something to do with my mind.

I have to see him this afternoon.

I want you to come with me, Lou. I need you for moral support.

I'll tell you, I'm very busy. Please, Lou, my marriage depends on it.

Your marriage?

You're not kidding me, are you? No, George, you have to leave me if I don't

Okay, okay, I'll come. Oh, thanks.

Thanks a million.

Well, I still don't understand why you need me.

Well, don't you see, Lou?

If I'm seen going into a psychiatrist's office, people are liable to think I'm

crazy.

This way, if you come with me, they'll think I'm taking you.

What if the psychiatrist tells me I'm crazy?

Relax, Terry, you're not crazy.

I don't know how I can be sure about that.

I've had some pretty strange dreams lately.

Especially this one dream I keep getting all the time.

Standing on the corner, suddenly somebody taps me on my shoulder and I

around and there's a kangaroo standing there.

The kangaroo says, hello, what's your name?

And I say...

I'm Ted Baxter, the anchorman.

The kangaroo says, well, you can't be Ted Baxter, the anchorman. I'm Ted

the anchorman.

Then we start to argue, and a crowd gathers, some people, some kangaroos,

one duck.

I never figured out what that duck was doing.

Anyway, finally, the kangaroo says, I can prove who I am, and he reaches into

his little pocket. You know they have those little pockets?

He pulls out this...

This business card.

You know what the business card says?

What? It says, Ted Baxter, Anchorman.

So I put it in my pocket and I pull out my card.

And you know what that card says, Lou?

What? Bucky the kangaroo.

And everybody starts to laugh. The people, the kangaroos.

Except that duck.

He just waddles over to me.

Looks up into my eyes.

Disgraces himself on my shoe.

I've never told another living soul that dream, Lou.

I only told you because I know I can trust you.

Ted, you did the right thing.

So did the duck.

Look, everybody has crazy dreams. They're nothing to worry about.

Pull yourself together.

Mind if I ask you a personal question?

Why? Well, you were married a long time.

Yeah, so?

Did you ever have a problem in the bedroom?

Of course.

Oh, good. I feel better already.

I couldn't get the drape shut.

I know what you mean. Shut up.

Yes.

Mr. Baxter, Dr.

Powell will see you now.

Come on.

It's all right, Lou. I'm not ashamed to see you psychiatrists anymore.

You're just going to face him like the mature, intelligent being Diana.

Don't worry, Lou.

See what the doctor can do about your bedwetting problem.

Oh, uh, Mr.

Baxter.

How do you do? I'm Dr.

Powell. Hi.

So, you're a psychiatrist.

Yes. Mr. Baxter, why don't you just sit down and tell me a little bit about

yourself.

Like what?

Well, to start with, why don't you tell me why you've come here.

Oh, no.

You have my assurance.

That's not good enough.

Well, what would you like?

Tell me something weird about yourself.

That way, if you tell on me, I can tell on you.

Mr. Baxter, I'm a psychiatrist.

Tell me something even weirder.

Please, believe me. You can trust me.

Now, why don't you tell me a little bit about who you are and what you do?

What do you mean, what do I do?

I'm on the news every night.

I see.

And what do they say about you?

They don't say about me. I say about them.

Well, that's certainly getting back at them.

Tell me, Mr. Baxter, who exactly are they?

They?

Yes, the ones that you say about.

All of them.

The president, congressman, Marlo Thomas.

Tell me, Mr. Baxter, why do you think these people are all against you?

I don't think they're against me.

I'm a newscaster. I talk about them on the 6 o 'clock WJM News.

Of course.

Deb Baxter, I've seen you.

You're very funny.

Thank you.

Well, before we go any further, I think there are some things you should know

about analysis. One, it, um...

It can be a very lengthy procedure, and two, it can be very expensive.

How expensive?

My fee is $75 an hour.

$75 an hour? Yes.

Look, doctor, I'm a desperate man.

I'm terribly unhappy.

I'm putting myself in your hands. I'm begging you, please help me, help me,

me. Of course, Mr. Baxter, how?

By lowering your damn fee.

Georgia? Great news.

I'm better.

Than what?

I'm cured.

I had an honest, frank discussion with the doctor, and he's freed me of all my

inhibitions. And I no longer have any problems with you -know -what.

That's wonderful, Jim.

Yeah, the psychiatrist told me that I've been substituting you for my mother.

That I've been thinking of you with such reverence that...

I was afraid to show you any physical affection.

That was the whole problem? Yeah.

And I don't have to go back anymore either.

I mean, isn't that great? Some people have to go to years for a cure from a

psychiatrist, but not me.

After only three visits, he said he never wanted to see me again.

Oh, I'm so happy, Dick.

What shall we do to celebrate?

Oh, now, you just leave that to me.

Who could that be?

It could be Lou and Mary.

Why would it be Lou and Mary?

Because I invited them to dinner.

I'm sorry, Ted, but every time you come back from the psychiatrist, you've been

so depressed that I thought I would cheer you up to have company.

Ted, will you open the door?

Ted, I invited Mary and Lou for dinner. They're our guests.

Try to be a good host.

Come right in here and sit down. Can I get you some dessert?

No, thank you. I couldn't eat another bite.

I'm here, Mary.

I can't take Mary in those clothes.

Oh, all right.

That's a lovely outfit you have, Mary. Thank you.

Hello, do you think the North Stars will make the playoffs?

Yeah, I think they got a shot.

Oh, it's time to hit the hay.

something. We were invited to have dinner, and yet ever since we got here,

you've been acting like you couldn't wait for us to go home, like you

wait for the evening to be, oh.

Mr.

Grant, could I talk to you for just a minute, please?

My, look how late it is.

I've got an early day. You coming, Mary? Yes, I am. Oh, gee, it was nice to have

you stop by like this. It was certainly marvelous of you to stop by. Please,

drive carefully.

Ah,

Jericho. Oh, take it easy.

I thought they'd never leave.

Oh, Mom.

Ted.

Listen, I just called this heavy guy for a couple of days.

Oh, yeah, belated honeymoon.

Of course I'm taking Georgette.

Yeah, right, it would be cheaper.

I couldn't do that.

Besides, you'll probably find out.

Mom, I'm going on a honeymoon. I'm taking my wife with me.

Goodbye, Mom. I'll call you when I get back.

Ted,

look at the mail we got on that gun control show. Hey, what kind of reaction

I get?

Terrific. Really? Yeah.

117 people wrote letters threatening to shoot you.

What?

Oh, relax, Ted. That's only half as many as you usually get.

Oh, good.

Hi, Mary.

Georgette, hi.

I came by to pick up Ted.

We're going on a belated honeymoon.

Oh, that's terrific.

Then everything is okay between you two?

Sure is.