Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after...

And now, turn on the power switch and get ready to enjoy beautiful living

stereo. Right. I did that, Murr. I did everything it says to do in the

instruction manual.

But I was only getting one speaker, no stereo.

I could hear Gladys Knight, but none of the pips.

Mary, I gotta talk to you.

Remember last year when you wouldn't let me change the name of the show from the

Six O 'Clock News to the Ted Baxter Report?

Oh, yes.

Well, I came up with a great compromise.

And... You won't even have to have new title cards made up.

I mean, you know how the opening titles go now.

Six o 'clock news.

Now,

all you have to do is switch them around just a little, little bit.

Listen how much better this sounds.

Ted Baxter.

Six o 'clock news.

Doesn't that sound great?

No.

Just trying to help build up the ratings, Mary.

Well, if we wanted to build up the ratings, we'd say, the 6 o 'clock news,

without Ted Baxter.

Ted, it's not a variety show we're doing. This is a news show. And the star

the news is the news.

I mean, even Walter Cronkite doesn't get billing ahead of the news. It's the CBS

Evening News with Walter Cronkite.

It is?

Yes, Ted, it is. Why don't you watch it tonight? Find out for yourself.

Well, I can't. I'll miss celebrity bowling.

I got Trini Lopez tonight.

Hey, guys, look, I got my tax refund back. $6 ,000.

You got that $6 ,000?

Yeah. I can't believe this.

Every year I pay thousands of dollars in taxes, and that's what they're doing

with it.

What better use could they put it to?

Carpeting Guam.

You know, I always get a refund, but I don't usually get this much. $6 ,000.

How can anyone say there's no God?

Thanks, big guy. Keep up the good work.

Morning. Hey, Lou, look. I got my tax refund of $6 ,000.

What do you think I ought to do with it?

Retire.

Hey, that's funny, Lou. That's really funny.

Isn't that funny, Murray?

Oh, yeah, Lou.

How could Ted possibly retire on $6 ,000?

I mean, the way he spends money, that wouldn't last more than 20 years.

you told me to do. I took the whole thing apart, put it back together again,

now I'm not getting any sound at all.

No, and I don't understand it either, because the man in the store said any

could do it.

Who is it?

It's Ted.

Help has arrived.

Come on in.

I'll call you back.

Thanks. Hi, Mary.

Hi, Mary. Hi. I hope you don't mind that we didn't call you before we came over.

No. We wanted to surprise you.

And we thought if we called first and came over, it wouldn't be much of a

surprise.

Then we figured if we came here and you weren't home, the surprise would be on

us. Yeah, and as it turns out, here you are. And here we are.

Surprise!

We just stopped by to give you a belated housewarming gift.

Oh, Ted, your chat. That's so nice. Come on, open it up, Mary.

It's okay.

I hope we're not interrupting anything.

No, not at all. I'm really glad you came over.

Do you like it?

It's beautiful.

It's an antique.

It's sterling.

It's better than that. It's silver.

Oh, I just feel terrible. I mean, this is... It's too extravagant. I know.

Well, since I got my tax refund, I figured I wanted to share my good

with my friends, and you are my friend, Mary.

Oh, well, that's really very sweet, but I feel awful. I mean, when you two got

married... All I gave you was that dumb blender.

Mary, don't say that. It's a beautiful blender.

Much nicer than the other three we got.

Listen, Mary, it's not the price of the gift that's important.

It's the thought that counts. All that matters is that you've shown us that you

care about us just as we've shown you that we care about you.

Gifts are just tokens of what we feel inside. Nothing more.

Thanks, Ted.

Guess how much it costs.

Go ahead, Mary. Go ahead. Don't be afraid to go wild.

Mary, you'll have to excuse Ted. He's never given a present before.

Listen, can I get you guys something?

Oh, no thanks. No thanks. We really have to go.

Yeah, I want to stop and pick up a couple of gifts for Mary and Lou. You

something special, something unique, something that shows that I really care.

That's nice. What are you going to get them?

Whatever's on sale.

Gary, we want you to come to dinner tomorrow.

You haven't seen our new apartment yet. No, I haven't. I'd love to. Tomorrow

night, okay? Okay. So long, Gary. Goodbye. And listen, thanks again. This

beautiful. You're welcome.

You're welcome.

Bye -bye. Bye.

$146 .50 plus tax.

I have to tell you, Georgette.

That dinner was really delicious.

Yeah, I didn't know you were such a good cook.

That was the best chicken paprikash I ever had. Thank you. I got the recipe

my Aunt Ruth.

She's a dietician at the state prison.

All I had to do was figure out how to make it for five people instead of 6

No,

you certainly did a terrific job.

Thank you. If anybody wants more, there's tons of it left.

Hey, guys. It's time for the piece de resistance.

Lou, this is for you.

Ted, what's this for?

Just a token of appreciation from Ted Baxter, humanitarian.

Marie, to you from me.

Ted, I don't understand.

That's all right. I'm sure a lot of people never understood Albert

either. That's how he spoke German.

Mary, you already got your present. Yes, I did. And thanks again, Ted. Did you

tell Murray and Lou what I got you?

Oh, no, I didn't. A beautiful antique picture.

Tell them what kind.

Sterling, silver.

Tell them how much you liked it.

I liked it a lot. Tell them how much it cost.

$146. And?

50 cents. Plus? Tax.

Stop, Mary. You're embarrassing me.

Why don't you open your present?

I hope you like it.

I spent a lot more than I wanted to.

Ted!

What did you do? This is beautiful.

Look! Oh, wow.

Read the inscription.

All right.

That's a very touching sentiment, Ted. Very touching. What does it say?

To you -know -who from you -know -who.

Not bad, huh, Mary?

Very clever.

George, it'll help me with the last part.

Hey, Murray, open your presents. Oh, yeah.

Wow. This is just what I needed.

I was going to have it engraved with your initials, but then I figured if you

lost it and another guy with the same initials found it, you'd never get it

back.

Uh, Ted, why are you giving us these presents?

Yeah, Ted, I mean, this is pretty extravagant. Tell me, does this, by any

chance, have anything to do with you wanting to change the name of the 6 o

'clock news?

Murray, I can understand your thinking that I've got an ulterior motive.

Why don't... You see, getting that tax refund made me realize something. I

I'm a lucky guy.

I mean, life's been good to me.

I've got a good job. I've got good health.

I've got a good wife.

A fantastic barber.

And I just felt that I should try to be a better person than I've been. I mean,

let's be honest.

I've got flaws.

No.

It's true. He does.

Well, that's not the kind of flaws I'm talking about.

From now on, I'm going to be a new man.

These presents are just my way of proving that the old Ted Baxter no

exists.

Now, Ted, I have a surprise for you.

I think you got another refund check from the government.

How about that?

Uh -oh.

It's not a refund. It's a tax audit.

Oh, Ted, that's too bad. Hey, guys, relax.

Don't sweat it.

It's like I said, the old Ted Baxter would have fallen to pieces over this

little bit of news.

But not this.

The new Ted.

It's the worst they can do to me.

Make me pay back a couple of thousand dollars.

It's only money.

Only money.

You know what matters? What matters is what's right here.

My family, my home.

And my friends.

Sid, where are you going?

Brazil!

So then, I wired this speaker to this connection, just like Murray told me to,

and all it did was just make this weird sound.

All right, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll come by tonight and hook up the whole thing for you. Oh, Mr. Grant, no,

couldn't ask you to do that. I'm sure you must have more important things to

You're right.

The nights that I usually count my socks.

I'll count twice next week.

Hey, thank you a lot.

Say, Mary, you've got to help me with my tax audit.

Yeah, sure, Ted. What can I do?

Well, the Internal Revenue Man is coming tomorrow to check on some deductions.

Well, just say that I took you out to lunch a few times last year and we

discussed business.

A few times?

217.

Ted, you never took me to lunch. Okay, just say an even 200.

Ted, look, I know this is important to you, and I'd like to help you, but

don't ask me to lie.

Oh, that's not lying, Mary. It's just exaggerating. Everybody does it.

The government expects it, don't you see?

You'll be helping me to live up to my country's expectations.

Ted, I'd like to help you. I really would, but I just, I can't.

Murray, you've got to help me. What do you want now? Just a letter, you know,

something to prove that I took you out once in a while so I could write it off

as an entertainment expense.

That would be lying, Ted.

Oh, no, don't think of it as lying.

Think of it as creative writing.

No, I'm sorry.

There isn't a writer in the world who can make anyone believe that going out

with you is entertainment. All right, all right, don't lie to them. But if

should ask you if I ever took you out for lunch, tell them the truth, because

have. When was that, sir? On your birthday last year. Don't you remember?

No, I don't. Well, sure you do.

Remember, I took you to that deli across the street.

We had to wait ten minutes for a table. Then when we sat down, a waitress named

Sylvia took our order.

She had on funny white shoes and she wore a band -aid on her thumb.

Don't you remember?

I'm sorry.

Well, sure you do.

You had a hot pastrami and rye with mustard, a sour pickle, and a side order

potato salad.

I had a corned beef sandwich with a side order of french fries. Then you had a

tea with two sugars, and I had coffee light and a cheese danish because they

were out of blueberry pie.

Then the check came, and I didn't have any cash on me, and you loaned me ten

bucks, and I promised I'd pay you back.

Oh, yeah, but you never did.

Well... I can't expect you to remember everything.

Lou, I gotta talk to you. I'm busy, Ted.

What if I told you it was a matter of life or death?

Mine or yours?

Mine.

I'm busy.

Busy.

Busy, busy. I'm busy. You're always busy.

Well, that's not fair, Lou. I mean, if Mary or Murray came here, you'd take the

time, but if I come in here, you're too busy. Busy, busy.

You're absolutely right, Ted, and I apologize.

That was very thoughtless of me.

I want you to know that if you ever have a problem, no matter how big or small,

I'm always here to help you.

Thanks, Lou. I really appreciate it. Anytime.

Lou? I'm busy.

You didn't hear my problem.

Okay,

what is it?

Well, last year, I went out and bought a whole new wardrobe.

And I put down on my income tax return that I needed that wardrobe, you know,

for my newscast.

So I could write it off as a business expense.

And now that you're getting an audit, you want me to back you up that you wore

all this stuff on the air?

Well, it's just a couple of things, Lou. I mean, things that I could actually

have worn on the air.

Suits, sports jackets, slacks, evening gowns.

Evening gowns. Okay, okay, they're for George Shepard. They don't have to know

that. And you want me to say that you wore an evening gown on the 6 o 'clock

news? I'm not asking you to say I look good in it.

Get out of here before I throw you out. Lou, please.

Please help me. I'm in deep trouble. How am I going to get out of this jam? I

don't know, Ted, but I will tell you one thing. Even if you do get out of it,

it'll be on your conscience forever.

Maybe you'll be able to fool the auditor.

Maybe you'll be able to fool the whole Internal Revenue Service. But there's

person you'll never fool.

Yourself.

Till your dying day, you'll know that you cheated the government of the United

States of America.

How's that going to make you feel?

A hell of a lot better than I do now.

All I have to do is connect this lead to this terminal right here, and this one

to this terminal.

Gee, Mr. Grant, I had no idea you knew all about this kind of stuff.

Where'd you learn it?

At Fort Dix when I was in the service, across from the base.

There was this little strip joint where the guys would hang out.

So?

So, uh...

There was this one girl named Velma.

Velma and her magic tassels.

She used to spin them in time to bumble boogie.

Anyway, there was no band in the joint, just a phonograph.

They used to break down a lot.

Naturally, when the phonograph stopped spinning, so did Velma.

Any guy who couldn't fix a phonograph got shipped to Iwo Jima.

Hey, Mr. Grant, can I ask you something?

What is it?

Well, Ted's having the tax audit tomorrow, and I was just wondering,

something we can do to help him out?

Mary, are you saying we should lie for him?

No, Mr. Grant. I'm just thinking that maybe we could give him a character

reference. You know, tell the auditor what a wonderful guy Ted is.

Mary, are you saying we should lie for him?

You know, I was up all last night trying to figure out something nice I could

say about Ted if I had to. But the only thing I could come up with is, in the

seven years I've known Ted, not once has he clipped his toenails in the office.

Well, I wouldn't worry too much about Ted.

I'm sure he'll come out all right. He always does.

Well, why don't you get busy?

It's all connected. You mean that's it?

It's ready to play?

Yeah, turn it on.

Oh, please, let it work.

Oh, you are amazing. I mean, you knew just what to do.

I know. That's what Velma used to say.

Oh, that's beautiful.

I mean, I was starting to think I'd never have music in this apartment.

Oh, sound.

I mean, it's even better than I dreamed it would be.

Hello? If you don't turn that thing off, I'm calling the cops.

Rotten kids.

Read the card.

Roses are red, so here's a big bunch.

Please tell the income tax man I took you to lunch.

Is that all you got? I got a blender.

Hi, pal.

Hey, Murray, how's my most favorite person in the world feeling today?

You look fine to me, Ted.

Ted, about the flowers.

Aren't they beautiful?

Yes, they're lovely.

I hope you don't mind I got you the short stem ones. I was going to get you

long stem ones, but then I figured, why should I? They're just going to die

anyway.

Ted, they're very nice, but I really can't accept them.

Why not? Because, Ted, I feel badly enough about not being able to help you

your audit. If I accept these, I'm going to feel even worse. Please, Mary,

you've got to help me.

The internal revenue man is going to be here any minute.

Just do this.

Just do this once, and I promise, tomorrow when you come into work,

meat on your desk.

Murray, just this once.

I don't know, Ted. It's a tough decision. Murray, I swear if you say no,

never talk to you again.

No, Ted.

And thanks.

Mary, here are those budget figures.

Lou, nobody in this office wants to help me with my audit today.

I'm going to ask you one more time to reconsider.

Not if my life depended on it.

Take your time, Lou. No rush.

Even if we did lie for you, the auditor would never take our word for it. You

have to have receipts for every deduction.

Right. Without receipts, you're dead.

I don't need any of you.

You know why? Because I've got an ace in the hole.

Me.

I'm Ted Baxter, anchor man of the 6 o 'clock news.

That guy from the Internal Revenue probably watches me every night.

Just think of how impressed he's going to be when he meets me.

That guy's not going to make any trouble for Ted Baxter.

You're Ted Baxter, aren't you? Irv Gevins.

Internal revenue.

It's a real pleasure.

I watch you every night on television.

It's nice to meet you.

Where do you want to do this?

You can use my office.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Baxter, this is a real special pleasure meeting you.

Oh? Yeah.

Remember that story you reported last week on Councilman Anderson from the

District? Oh, yeah, the guy who went to jail for tax evasion.

Right. I was one of the guys who helped send him up.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Relax. He'll be all right. At least he's got one thing going for him.

If he pleads ignorance, they can't call him a liar.

What

do

you think's happening in there?

Well, I don't know. Either he's disallowed one of his deductions or

a baby.

Maybe twins.

Pencil shopping. Pencil, yes, shopping.

Well, is he going to be all right?

It's a little too early to tell.

I'm sorry, Mr. Baxter.

There's nothing I can do.

Next time, make sure you have receipts, or at least have someone to substantiate

your business expenses. Well, wait, wait. Are you saying that if you had

somebody to back up Ted's deductions, that you wouldn't necessarily need

receipts? Exactly.

You mean to say that you would take the word of a business associate if they

said that his deductions were legitimate?

Possibly, if he swore to it.

In other words, if someone who worked with him said that he or she...

had a business lunch with Ted. You might accept that, even though he couldn't

prove it with a receipt?

That's correct.

That's very interesting.

It sure is.

Live and learn.

Well, I'm Mr. Baxter.

thinking it over, and we've decided to change the title of the news to Ted

Baxter's Six O 'Clock News.

Ted Baxter's Six O 'Clock News?

Yeah. My name over the title?

Just like Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho?

More than you know, Ted.

Gee, thanks, guys.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying this because you think I deserve it or because you feel sorry for

me because of the tax thing? Ted, we are saying this because we honestly and

sincerely believe that you deserve it.

Isn't that right?

Right.

Absolutely.

Thanks. Can I ask you one more question?

Yeah, sure.

Why couldn't you lie like this for me when I needed it?