Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after long

Do me a favor.

Oh, sure.

Would you come to my place for brunch on Saturday?

Oh, gee, I'd love to, Mary, but I got to coach my son's football team.

See, the other fathers unanimously elected me coach one night when I was

sick to attend the meeting.

Well, that's too bad. I'm going to have Ted and Georgette over. Oh, how come?

Well, Georgette was saying she feels kind of badly about the way we always

Ted. You know, always making him the butt of our jokes.

Nobody ever invites him anywhere.

And we never go to lunch with him.

I mean, all right, sure, sometimes we invite him over, but just because we

we have to.

And that's sort of too bad, because Ted really isn't a bad guy.

Mark, I have to spend all afternoon with him. I'll go crazy.

Hi, public.

Hi, Janet.

I brought your copies of my new book to save you fighting the crowds when it

goes on sale. Is there a bookstore there?

Oh, my, my, did you write another book? Oh, I don't wonder that you're amazed,

Mary. Sometimes I think I drive myself too hard. But there's so much to be done

with so little... Talent.

So little time.

After all, life is so brief and impermanent. Much like your hair.

Oh, a book on flower arrangements, huh? I've always been fascinated by flowers.

I figure what's good enough for the birds and bees is good enough for me.

All right.

Sue Ann, are you busy Saturday afternoon?

I'll be autographing copies of my book at the House of Bloom.

Oh, do you have a tie -in with a florist?

No. Actually, Bloom is a butcher.

He and I were once very close.

Look here, Mary.

I've autographed personally.

Each one. I think that makes it more fun.

Ah, to a shrinking violet who rose to be a budding producer.

Oh, Sue Ann, that's too cute for a word. I know.

I tried to use a floral motif for each of the inscriptions.

Ah, to a fine writer whose work I've always admired.

Why, thanks, Sue Ann.

But what's that got to do with flowers?

If you spread it on the ground, it helps them grow.

Oh, Murray, you believe what I almost did? I was ready to invite Sue Ann to my

brunch for Ted. I must really be desperate.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Ted. Set your dials for excitement, boys and girls. Guess what?

What? I just proposed to Georgette. Oh, terrific.

Oh, that's good.

Well, you don't seem impressed.

Ted, you must have proposed to Georgette a dozen times in the past six months. I

mean, you even bought a license. She always accepts, then you try to back

and she lets you do it.

I know.

Sometimes I think that's why I love her.

Why do you propose if you don't really mean it? Oh, make her happy.

Hey, Lou, I got great news.

Some other time, Ted.

I'm not in the mood for mindless dribble.

Mary, you finished those expense accounts yet? Yeah, just about. How

Little mindless dribble, though.

I'm sorry I bothered you.

You know something, Mr. Grant? I don't think you should always just

automatically put Ted down.

It's not always automatic, Mary. Sometimes a lot of thought goes into it.

That's what I mean.

We've all gotten into that habit. I mean, we just... assume the worst about

and we practically tell him so to his face.

So? So, Mr. Grant, a person is only as good as he thinks he is.

I mean, if we assume that Ted's going to be dumb and vain and obnoxious, then

who's to blame if he is?

You're saying it's my fault that Ted's a jackass?

No. Mr. Grant, that's not what I'm saying. What I'm trying to say is...

never mind. It's too complicated.

Too complicated?

No, come on, Mr. Kent. You've got your budgets to go over. I'm sure you don't

want to get into any psychological discussions.

No, no, that's all right, Mary.

Go ahead. I mean, I may not be the brightest guy in the world, but once in

while I do enjoy a little intellectual conversation.

Well, all right. What I was going to say is that maybe, you know, just maybe we

could do ourselves a favor.

By encouraging Ted, you know, instead of always predicting failure.

I see.

Interesting.

What you're talking about is the theory of the self -fulfilling prophecy, isn't

it?

Oh, see, I didn't know it was a whole theory.

Yeah. I assume Ted will be stupid, so he is. You assume I won't like something,

so I don't.

That's exactly it.

Yes, I thought it might be.

I believe some experiments were done by a behavioral psychologist, Dr. Roland

Barbette, in the late 50s that tend to support that hypothesis.

Mr. Graham, I'm just so glad that you understand what I'm trying to do here,

know? I just think that if we give Ted some support, we assume that he is going

to be a normal person, he will start behaving like a normal person.

And that's one of the reasons I'm going to have him over for brunch Saturday.

And I would really like it if you'd come, too.

Well, how do you assume I'll answer that invitation?

What do you mean? Well, I mean, you make certain assumptions about me, too,

don't you? Certain self -fulfilling prophecies?

Well, yeah, but I, you know, that's not the same thing as... So, how do you

assume I'll answer that invitation, Mary?

Well, I guess I assume that you'll say no.

Well, there you are.

Personally, I'd love to have come. I probably would have had the time of my

life. But your previous assumption made it impossible for me to come.

You do see that, don't you, Mary?

Wonderful, Mary.

Thank you, Georgette.

And I love the wine.

It's one of my favorite kinds.

White.

Well, I'm really glad you could both come.

To tell you the truth, Mary, I can't get over you inviting just the two of us.

Well, you know, sometimes a small party is the nicest.

Or anyone else would be boring.

Always.

I love your dress, Georgette.

Thank you.

Me too.

You look gorgeous, Georgette.

I love you. Will you marry me?

in your coffee, don't you think?

Please, Mary, I'm in the middle of a proposal to Georgette. He likes it with

lots of cream.

Georgette, I just asked you if you'd marry me.

And you take yours black?

Right. Hey, come on.

Man's proposing marriage.

Have some respect.

Respect for what?

Proposal of marriage.

Ted, you proposed with an onion roll in your mouth.

Mary, could Ted and I be alone for a few minutes, please, before you fix

dessert? George F., you take all the time you want.

Did I

do

something wrong?

Yes, Ted.

You embarrassed me.

Mary is absolutely right.

I can't take these proposals seriously anymore. It's just a game with you.

I really am a fool, aren't I?

Not really.

I mean to have actually felt good about all those preposterous proposals.

The one in the car wash, the revolving doors, the time you spelled out marry me

with your socks on laundry day.

I'm starting to wonder if you've ever been serious about wanting to marry me.

A man doesn't spell out things with his socks unless he's serious.

Ted, if you really wanted to marry me, you wouldn't talk about it. You'd do it.

I'd do it right now if we could.

We can, Ted.

We've had the blood test.

We have the license and it's still valid.

We can call and get a minister over here. We can call our friends and tell

to come over here. What else do we need?

So what do you say, Buster? Do you still want to get married?

Yes, I do What

would

you do if I told you there's gonna be a minister over here with all our friends

in the next

football games.

Yeah, anyway, if you hurry, right after the ceremony, you can get back to the

bar.

You know, I feel good.

I didn't expect to be, but I feel good.

No, it doesn't matter how you're dressed, really.

No, Murray is coming straight here from his son's football game.

Well, I don't know. We were having brunch, and before we got to dessert,

proposed.

Yeah, it's strictly a spur -of -the -moment wedding.

Following a whirlwind courtship.

Okay, Mr. Grant, we'll see you then. Bye -bye.

That's it. That's Sue Ann Murray, Mr. Grant.

This is fun.

I should have done this long ago.

When is the minister getting here?

He's out playing tennis, but his wife said she'd try to reach him.

Did you tell her what it was for? No, I just said it was an emergency.

I wasn't sure he'd interrupt a tennis game for a wedding.

Georgette! Do you know who we completely forgot? My mother!

Of course. We certainly want her in our wedding.

Sure. She can give me away.

Sweet little blue -haired lady.

This is the call she's been waiting for all these years.

First one I want from my father's insurance company.

I'm really getting excited.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, it's Ted.

Hey, well, guess what?

Georgette and I get married.

Today, this afternoon.

As soon as possible.

Of course she is. And what kind of a question is that?

Hey, Mom, can you come right over?

Oh.

Well, then you better take care of that. Oh, sure, I understand.

Yeah, bye.

Mom can't make it.

Why not?

She's got to wash her hair.

That's all right. We can save her a piece of cake. We do have a piece of

don't we, Mary? Oh, Ted, come on. The whole wedding was put together in a half

an hour.

Well, you can't expect too much preparation on that kind of notice.

Mary, dear.

getting a wonderful girl, Georgia.

Here's a veil, and please be patient, but you'll have to find a more formal

gown. Mary, find her something.

Don't worry, Mary, I brought rice to throw after the ceremony.

You can't go right over here, and this is just a little something for their

happy couple. Now, what are you people all standing around with your thumbs up

your noses for? Move it!

I'll find you something to wear.

Does it have to be white?

Let's see here. Married in white, sailor's delight.

No, that isn't it.

Ted,

you put on that with me and try to formalize your appearance a little, will

After all, a wedding isn't something that happens every day.

Hi.

I'm sorry I'm late.

That's all right. You probably had to go home and put on your good suit.

about what you want to wear, Georgette?

Well, I always dreamed of being married in something old, something new,

something borrowed, and something blue.

But what the hell, we're in a hurry.

No, Anna, the only thing I have that's long, white, and formal is a bathrobe.

That's all right, Mary. I don't need a white dress. I'll just wear what I have

on.

Right. What's wrong with plaid?

Nothing. It's Ted's favorite color.

Hi, Sue Ann. Hello, Lou.

Lou, dear, do you think today might give you any dangerous ideas about me?

Depends on how much whiskey they have.

Why, you charmer.

There's not that much booze in the world.

I'm happy I did it. I'm happy I did it. You already hugged me. I don't care. I

want to shout for joy. I am a happy man.

Georgette, could I ask you something?

Sure, Mary.

Well, I know you, and you've got a really level head. I mean, I know you'd

do anything you hadn't really thought about.

You'd never rush into anything.

I mean, you're certainly not impetuous. Boy, I mean, that's one thing I could

never say about you, is impetuous. Mary, I know what you're getting at.

And believe me, I know how Ted can be.

Nobody knows that better than I do.

But I know how I feel.

You do love him, then? Of course, Mary.

Somebody has to.

Who's going to be your best man?

Hey.

Hey, can I talk to you guys for a second? Okay, okay.

Hi, Georgette. Hey, Georgette, you look lovely.

Just think, Georgette.

In ten minutes, you're going to be Mrs. Ted Baxter.

And you're going to be Mr.

Ted Baxter.

That's right.

It's going to be a silly marriage.

Who's it going to be?

Who's it going to be?

There's only one way to do it.

I'm thinking of a number from one to ten.

Now, the one who comes closest to that number gets to be my best man. Lou.

Three.

Murray.

795.

I'm afraid he's got you beat, Murray.

You dirty rat. Now, now, Lou. Nobody likes a sore winner.

My best man.

Okay, Ted, I'm flattered.

What do you want me to do?

How about a bachelor party?

You're being married in 15 minutes.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, right. We'll forget about the party.

How about some advice?

What kind of advice?

Well, you know, a guy's getting married.

A bachelor?

How do you feel? I feel good. I'm happy.

In fact, I'm so happy I'm trembling with joy.

Look, my knees are happier than I am.

Ted, it's all right. You know what I think, Lou? You know what I think?

I think I'm too happy.

You know what's happening?

My happiness is making me terrified.

Ted, it's too much, Lou. I can't stand so much happiness.

Lou, please.

Help me, Lou, please. Help me. Help me be less happy.

Ted, do you want me to give you some advice?

Please.

All right.

Here's the most important piece of advice I can give you.

If you're going to get married, you're going to have to stop acting the way you

do. What way?

The way you act.

Ted, what I'm trying to say is you've got to become different.

I don't think I understand.

Look, you know how you always are? Yeah.

Don't be that way.

So much for flowers. What about music? Mary, do you have something appropriate?

Well, no, Sue Ann. I don't have a record of the wedding march.

You don't?

I should have brought mine.

Perhaps I can sing it when the time comes.

Georgette, dear, what about a maid of honor?

Well, I thought Mary.

Oh, Georgette. I'd be honored.

Oh, good idea, Georgette. Your best friend.

And your oldest.

What about a ring?

A ring?

Well, the only ring I have is my high school class ring.

Would that be all right? Well, certainly, dear. It's just a symbol.

And it's legal because I graduated.

Miss Franklin.

I'm Reverend Chaffield. I came as soon as I got here.

Thank you, Reverend.

Come on in.

Sorry to trouble you, but we want to get married.

Married? I hope we didn't spoil your game.

Well, no, but I'm a little embarrassed at wearing this to perform a marriage.

And besides, I was just ordained. I've never done it.

Well, then it's appropriate that you should wear white.

I don't have my book, and I really don't know all the words. Oh, well, maybe Lou

and I can help. We've both been married.

Well, that's very kind of you.

Okay, uh, bride on my backhand, groom on my forehand.

Here we go, Ted.

I'm happy. I'm really happy.

Okay, all right. Uh, maid of honor. Here. Good. And the, uh, best man.

All right.

Let's see.

Oh, does anybody know any reason these people shouldn't be married? I was

he was going to ask.

Okie dokie.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God to join

these people in...

In a... Long shot.

Does anybody remember what comes next?

Well, at Rhoda's wedding, they each read something they'd written themselves.

Oh, terrific.

Would you like to say something?

You mean wing it?

Just say what's in your heart, Ted.

Oh, right.

Murray?

I promise to be a devoted husband and to never give you cause

to regret having married such a cluck.

Good. That's nice.

Oh,

back to me.

Oh, gee,

this is very embarrassing.

Um, I think this is where you ask each of them if they doth take the other one.

Do you, uh, excuse me, what is... Georgette. Thanks. Do you,

Georgette... Take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband till death do

part. I do.

And do you?

What about the ring?

Oh, she's right, the ring.

Kid,

here's the ring. Oh, thanks.

Why does it say class of 58?

It's Mary's high school ring.

Oh, thanks a million, Mary.

If I buy Georgetta a wedding ring, I'll get this back to you.

Now, do you, um... Much obliged.

Do you, Ted, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

Splendid.

Then by the authority vested in me, I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

But, you know, I can't get over it. I just say a few words and you're married.

I can marry people. Son of a gun, it's a kick.

Reverend, the license is over there for you to sign.

Oh, fine.

Ted, you're supposed to take care of the reverend.

Oh, yeah.

Reverend, uh, about the fee.

Oh, yes, thank you very much. Uh, you know, this is my first wedding. I don't

even know what the fee is supposed to be. Five dollars.

How often does a guy get married?

Here's another buck.

Aw, happiness and best wishes to you both.

It was a lovely ceremony, if I do say so myself.

Well.

Well. Well.

What's for dessert?