Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all

seem worthwhile? Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after...

Hey, I brought you a present.

It's a goldfish.

It certainly is.

See, I went past this pet shop, and I saw it in a window, and I said, Mary,

ought to have that. So I went in, I bought it, and there it is.

Isn't it terrific?

Yeah, he sure is a good little swimmer.

Perfect. Oh, you're welcome.

Well, where are you going to put it?

Down, I think.

Hey, you know, goldfish make great pets. They don't chase cars.

You don't have to walk them, and they never get in the heat, so you don't have

other goldfish howling under the window.

Actually, Mary, I didn't come here to bring you the goldfish. That was just an

excuse. I wanted to talk to you about something, because, you see, I have this

problem.

Well, Murr, if you have a problem, you want to talk about it. You didn't have

bring me a goldfish.

You don't know my problem.

For this, I should have brought a whale.

Oh, excuse me.

We're your neighbors from across the hall, and we just thought we'd come over

and get ourselves acquainted.

I'm Sally Jo Hotchkiss, and this is Paula Kovacs. Hi, I'm Mary Richards.

Come on in.

I hope we didn't pick a bad time.

Nice to meet you. You too, Mr. Richards.

Oh, no, no, no.

My name is Slaughter, Murray Slaughter.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought y 'all were married.

Thanks, but I don't live here, and I gotta go.

Oh, well, Mer, what about the... If we interrupted anything... Oh, no, no, no.

was on my way anyway.

Really. Well, it's nice to meet you girls, and I'll see you, Mer. But, Mer,

did you want to talk to me about?

Oh, nothing, really.

But you said you had a problem.

Oh, well, no. That was just an excuse to bring you the goldfish.

I've really been looking forward to meeting you. We're just dying to hear

about you, gory details and all.

What do you do?

Well, I'm in television.

TV? You work in TV? Paula, she works in TV.

I heard.

News. I produce the 6 o 'clock news at WJM.

WJ, isn't that the one with Ted Baxter?

Yes.

Well, um, do you actually, you know, get to talk to him and everything?

Yes. Oh, and he talks back to you?

Uh -huh.

Wow.

What do you do?

We're nurses.

Nurses? I always wondered about a nurse's life. I mean, you work with sick

people all day long, and yet you're always so cheery and bright.

How do you do that?

You really gotta love it.

You said you had something you wanted to talk about. Oh, that.

Well, that's kind of a personal problem, Mary. I can't talk about it anymore.

Problem?

It sounds like my department.

Mary, would you excuse me?

No, Ted. You want to whisper it to me?

No, Ted.

You won't shock me, you know. I know about life. I'm an anchorman.

Ted, there is nothing to tell.

I don't judge people, Murray.

Nothing you've done can be so loathsome, weird, and perverted that I won't

understand.

If I don't understand, you can probably explain it to me.

I may giggle at first, but that doesn't mean that I won't understand.

Ted, will you get off my back?

Did you see that, Mary? Is that typical, or is that typical?

Yeah, Ted, that was certainly typical.

Nobody ever confides in me.

Nobody ever asks for my advice.

They go to Lou.

Never to me.

Last night, my brother called me long distance because he had a problem. You

know what he wanted?

What? Lou's phone number.

Nobody ever tells me anything.

Ted, it's just that some people think personal matters should remain personal.

So do I.

What's Murray down?

Drinking. I bet that's it.

I'll bet he's hitting the sauce.

Or he's got a broad, or he's committed a crime.

Ted, what...

Murray is probably no different from the kinds of problems that bother you and

me.

It's an ingenious theory.

Cover for me, will you, Murray? I've got to talk to Lou.

Murray, while you're in there, will you find out what my brother wanted?

I hate to bother you, Lou, but I've got to talk to somebody.

I know it.

What do you mean, you know it? You've been acting funny.

It was just a matter of time before you came to me. Sit down, Murray.

Boy, this is fantastic, Lou. You must have a sixth sense.

Not really.

For one thing, last week you wrote up the same feature story three different

times. I did? Well, it's a lucky thing you happen to remember it.

It's hard to forget a two -headed duck.

All right, what's the matter?

Well, not so easy, Lou. I mean, you just don't blurt these things out.

Murray's gambling again. That's what it is.

No, thanks, Ted.

I suppose you need an extra head. We have a duck standing by.

See, Lou, I have to tell somebody, and yet it's not the kind of thing I can

you. Come on, Murray, nothing's that bad.

This is. This is bad, though.

Bad, huh?

Worse than that.

Worse than this?

Worse than that.

Look, it's no use, Lou.

As much as I gotta tell somebody, I just can't tell you. You know why?

It's the atmosphere in here.

This is an office.

You can't take personal stuff in here.

You and I are going downstairs to the bar. No, it's no use, Lou. I'm still not

gonna tell you.

Yes, you will.

That's why I'm interrupting very important work in the middle of a very

just to take my buddy down to the bar so I can listen to his problem.

The minute you hit that place, you'll talk.

You'll see.

And, Murray, it better be bad.

I'm going down to the bar for a drink. Is, uh, everything all right? Sure.

Terrific. Couldn't be better.

Hard drugs, illness, suicide, perversion?

Just once, I wish somebody around here would treat me as though I had a brain

my head.

Just once, I wish somebody would ask me for advice.

Don't toy with me, Mary.

You asked for someone to confide in you. Well, I'm going to confide in you.

I don't believe you. Why should you confide in me? I'm confiding in you

you live in an apartment, right?

And you're familiar with the kinds of problems that arise in an apartment.

You're going to confide in me. Mary's going to confide in you.

Right, check. Neighbor. What neighbor?

Well, there are two girls, and they're very nice. They live across the hall

me, but one of them is a... Hold it, hold it, hold it. You better give it to

from the top. I am giving it to you from the top, Ted.

Right. One of them's a bit of a problem.

Girl, neighbor, problem.

Anyway, this Sally Jo wants to be friends. You know, as a matter of fact,

assumes that we are friends. Friends. She drops in at all hours, day and

It really bothers me. You know, I'm a private person.

Well, this is a big assignment, Mary.

No one's asked for my advice, and I'm going to give you the best thinking

possible.

I'm going to talk to Lou about this.

Hiya. Oh, how you doing, Lou?

Just fine.

Two double scotches, Al.

Gee, Lou, I haven't had breakfast yet.

Slice a banana in one of those.

I'm busy, Ted. I've got this problem I've got to solve.

Well, then go solve it, Ted.

Yeah. You're right, Lou.

This one's my baby. I'll solve it alone.

You're all nuisance, neighbor.

Ted, we're trying to talk.

Well, go ahead and talk.

While you're solving your problem, I'll be solving mine.

Where, Ted?

Yes, I do.

No, you don't, Ted.

You see, there's an FCC regulation that forbids a newsman going on the air with

liquor on his breath and a pushed -in face.

Oh, it's an FCC rule.

You mean fooling around, having an affair?

No, I mean love.

Genuine.

Just forget that this whole conversation never took place.

What do you mean, conversation, Lou? All I said was... Don't say it again. Well,

I gotta say it, Lou. I love Mary.

Oh, that's crazy. How can you love her? Well, why shouldn't I love her?

For over five years, we've worked side by side, day after day.

And haven't you ever felt it, Lou?

Didn't you ever sit in the newsroom at the end of a long day, all hot?

sweaty and rotten.

And there she was, all sweet and perfumed.

And you suddenly had this tremendous urge to... Stop right there, Mark!

Don't you finish that sentence!

Lou, all I want to do... Not another word! Lou, all I want to do is... I'm

warning you! Her face, Lou!

That's all. Just touch her face. Just touch her. Don't do that.

Lou, all I want to do is touch her. Just touch her. Don't do that!

for six years.

What made you suddenly decide that you're in love with her?

Well, a couple of weeks ago I had my 45th birthday and I said to myself, what

I really want from life? What do I really feel inside?

And the first thing I thought about was Mary.

I mean, it suddenly dawned on me that I was in love with her.

That's not love.

That's middle age.

about it. I'm going to tell her that I love her. Murray, why?

Because, Lou.

Now, look, this may sound crazy to you, but suppose, just suppose that she feels

the same way about me.

Look, I don't want to go through life thinking that I may have loved a person

who loved me back and I never told her.

So I'm going to tell her, and I'm going to tell her today.

Murray, you want my advice?

Yeah.

Think it over.

for a while.

Sleep on it.

It always works for me with Joey Heatherton.

Okay, Lou.

I'll think it over.

But I know I'm not going to change my mind.

I'll tell her tomorrow.

Murray! Murray!

Where will it lead?

I mean, what if you do what happens then?

Well, why does anything have to happen? Well, well, Murray, listen.

Loving someone does imply certain consequences.

Well, not necessarily.

Not this kind.

You see, Lou, I still believe a man can love pure and chaste from

afar.

Why not?

Why can't he?

I think he can.

Pure and chaste from afar.

Is that from a song?

Yeah.

What's the song?

The Impossible Dream.

I figured if you weren't doing anything, we could do it together.

Well, actually, Sally Jo, I have a date coming over, and I was just in the

middle of washing my hair. Oh, no kidding.

I have to wash my hair every single day.

I've got this terrible dandruff problem.

Good thing I'm a nurse that doesn't show on my uniform.

It's lucky you're not a nun.

I think he wants to try out his back.

Hey, listen, Mary.

I know Sally Jo's been bugging you by coming over here all the time, so I

I ought to tell you something.

With Sally Jo, there's no use being subtle.

When you don't want her around, you got to do what I do. Say right to her face,

Sally Jo, you're driving me up the wall. Get out or I'll throw you out.

You actually say that to her? Sure.

Why do you think she keeps coming over here all the time?

I'm finishing my hair. Fine, we can talk in there. Sit down.

Okay, Mary.

Here it is.

Mary, how would you feel if you found out

that someone you've worked with all these years

Let me put this in a way you'd understand.

Mary, do you know why all quarterbacks have busted knees?

Mr. Grant, I am really in a hurry. Could you make this fast?

Right. Do you know why all quarterbacks have busted knees?

Because when they get ready to release the ball, they're completely vulnerable

to a blindside tackle. Their knees snap like wish balls.

Mr. Grant, why are you telling me this?

Because tomorrow, somebody is going to be standing out there in that back...

along, his blocking broken down, and you're going to be a charging linebacker

with a chance to cream him.

Mary, please, do me a favor.

Take him down gently, but don't bust his knees.

with you.

Hi, Mary.

Hi, Steve.

Good night, Mr. Grant.

Did you tell her yet?

No, no. I better bring these into the film library, but I'm going to tell her

soon as I come back.

Are you sure you want to go through with this? I'm sure, Lou.

Okay. But watch your knees.

Right?

He's going to tell you as soon as he comes back from the film library.

What are you going to tell him when he tells you?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm just hoping maybe something will occur to me on the spur of the moment.

Good plan.

Went to your apartment, and I told you I wanted to tell you something, but I

never got around to telling you.

Yes, sir.

And remember the beginning of this week when you asked me what it was I wanted

to tell you, and I told you I couldn't tell you here?

Yes, sir.

Well, I want to tell you now what I wanted to tell you.

Yes, sir.

I love you.

And I love you too.

Of

course,

it's possible that you meant something more than I meant.

Oh, boy.

You want to talk about it?

I think so.

Because if you want to talk, I'll listen, you know that. Oh, I know that.

But before you do, I think I ought to tell you that I wouldn't have missed our

last five years for anything.

They've been the best part of my life.

I don't know how great tomorrow's going to be, or even next week, but boy, up to

now, it's been terrific.

So, if you want to talk, if you really want to talk, I'll listen.

Of course, you'll probably say what you just said, and then I'll say what I

said, and you'll say you meant something more than I did, and I'll say what, and

you'll tell me, and then I'll say, boy, Murr, that's really flattering,

but... And then you'll say, what do you mean, but?

And then I'll tell you something I think you already know.

Oh, Murr, do you really want to talk?

I think we just did.

Hey, you look at the time. I have to get home. I can't hang around here all day.

I've got things to do.

Isn't there someplace you have to go, Mary?

Yeah.

See you tomorrow, Murr.

See you, ma 'am.

Did you tell her you love her?

Yeah, I told her. What did she say?

She said she loves me, too.

Oh, my God.

Don't worry, Lou. She didn't mean it the way I meant.

Oh?

Oh?

Oh.

You know, of course, that it's all for the best.

Oh, I know that.

Of course.

I mean, you were right all along, though.

It was just some dumb phase I was going through.

Yeah, when I think of how stupid I was acting, it was like you said, you know,

everything turns out for the best.

Right, right.

You've got a wife, kids, a home, a job.

Just suppose, Murray.

Just suppose Mary had told you she felt about you the same way and wanted to run

away to Acapulco with you. Where would you be now?

On my way to Acapulco.

Morning, Murr. Oh, hiya, Mia. How's the goldfish?

Oh, he's fine.

I think he's a little angry with me, though. I was... having sardines last

night, and I caught him giving me one of these.

Hiya, Ted.

Hiya, Mary.

Hiya, Ted.

Mary, I've been thinking about your problem with your neighbor, and I've

considered various probable solutions, and Mary, I can't handle it.

There's no answer. No answer at all, Mary. You can't move out. That's crazy.