Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it. Love is all

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

I was recognized seven times today.

Hi, Ted.

Eight.

Is Lou in, Mary?

I know he's going to be a little late. Oh, how come?

He had a luncheon date.

Luncheon date, eh?

Who is?

Well, I'm sorry, Ted, but he asked me not to say anything.

Oh, well, I can guess.

A little rendezvous.

What difference does it make to me?

who wants to sit in a candlelit restaurant holding hands, sipping

saying, I love you, I love you?

Lord knows I've done it myself.

Yeah, only you were alone at the time.

Hello, all you darling people.

I just came by to remind you all to stop in at the studio tonight. I am cooking

an authentic dish from India that you simply must taste.

Beef curry.

Oh, well, I... I hate to disillusion you, Sue Ann, but in India, the cow is

sacred. They don't eat beef.

Oh, well, they will when they taste how I make it.

Oh, and Mary, tell Lou he's invited, too.

Although I'm sure he has other plans.

What do you mean?

Oh, nothing.

Except that I just saw him having lunch with his ex -wife, Edie.

I must confess, it baffles me why Lou would want something he's already had

he could have something...

Fresh and new and exciting.

I mean, why buy day -old bread when he could have a beautiful cupcake piping

from the oven?

Yeah, but how many times has it been reheated?

Dear sweet Murray, I hope your sideburns fall out,

too.

taking Edie to lunch?

Because she asked him to.

Look, Murr, I really don't want to sit around gossiping about it. Yeah, Mary's

right. Just because the next wife wants to take her husband to lunch is no

reason why we should start spreading rumors.

Right.

Poor slob must be falling behind in his alimony.

Hey, everybody, look who's here. Edie!

Hi!

How wonderful to see you. Gee, you look terrific.

Thanks, Mary. How are you?

great. It's nice to see you again, Edie. Oh, thanks, Murray.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything. No!

Lou insisted that I drop by.

Edie, it's been more than two years now, and I must say you look younger, more

radiant, more beautiful than I've ever seen you before.

I mean that sincerely.

Thanks, Ted. That's very sweet. No, no, no. I mean it.

You look a lot younger now than when you were married to Lou.

Well, there you have the good news, everybody.

This is the greatest news in the world.

Guess what Edie just told me?

She's getting married again.

Well, congratulations, Edie. What a nice surprise.

Very happy for you. Oh, thanks, Mary.

Isn't that wonderful? Edie's getting married again. Best wishes for a long,

happy life, Edie. Thanks, Murray. Congratulations, Edie. You know, like

says, love is lovelier the second time around.

Songs can be wrong, Lou.

It's not like I still love her, Charlie.

I don't. That I'm sure of.

I don't love her, but I like her. Right.

Don't get me wrong. I used to love her, but I don't now.

Gotcha.

Now, I just like her, but I don't love her.

You know what I mean?

You like her, but you don't love her.

That's it.

Mr. Grant, here you are. I've been looking all over for you.

Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right. I'm fine.

I just wanted to get away for a few minutes of peace and quiet.

I was trying to find a place where I can be alone.

Why don't you tell me about it?

I found a place, Mary.

The only thing that's missing is the alone part.

Well, Mr. Grant, sometimes the worst time to be alone is when you feel like

You know, I know with me, I always push people away just when I need them the

most. I don't.

The only time I push people away is when I don't want them around me.

Well, Mr. Grant, you don't fool me.

You don't want to be alone. If you wanted to be alone, you wouldn't be

here talking to me now.

Is it possible, Mr. Grant, that you feel a little more for Edie than you're

admitting? That's all over.

You're sure?

I'm proud of you. Ask anybody.

Hey, Charlie, how do I feel about my ex -wife?

Likes her, doesn't love her.

See? No, that's not it.

You know what's bothering me?

What? I finally figured it out.

After 23 years of marriage, Edie and I got a separation.

Two years ago, we got a divorce, and now she's marrying some other guy.

Don't you see, Mary?

What?

Edie and I are drifting apart.

Well, what's so funny, Ted?

It's me and Ollie, the elevator men, always tell each other these jokes. Oh,

got a really great one I'm working on. I'm going to tell him tomorrow.

Here, let me try it out on you. There's just this little part I haven't figured

out yet.

Knock, knock.

Oh, Ted, look, no sane person is doing jokes anymore that begin with... Knock,

knock. Who's there?

Anna Maria Alberghetti.

Anna Maria Alberghetti who?

Oh, that's the part I haven't figured out.

Mary, how's Lou today?

Oh, he's in a much better mood.

Oh, I sure hope you're right. He's been impossible lately.

You know, yesterday I had breakfast with him. He got in an argument with one of

his waffles.

I can understand how he must have felt finding out his wife was marrying

man.

I had a similar experience once.

When I was a kid, I had this yo -yo.

It was a birthday gift. I never cared much for yo -yos. I just kept it in my

drawer.

Then one day, this kid I know, Billy, offered me a quarter for it, so I sold

to him.

Well, you should have seen Billy with that yo -yo.

He could make it sleep, rock the cradle, walk the doggy, you name it, he

could... I can't tell you how jealous that made me.

And I used to lay awake wondering what new tricks he was teaching my yo -yo.

You see?

Well, even when you don't want something anymore, if it has belonged to you, you

still don't want anybody else to have it.

I mean, to this day, I feel badly about selling my yo -yo.

Well, look at it this way, Ted.

That yo -yo was either lost or broken many, many years ago.

Meanwhile, you've still got the quarter.

Hi, Edie. Hi, Ted.

Edie, hi.

Hi, Mary.

Listen, I came by because I want to invite you to the wedding.

Oh. And while I'm at it, I want to thank... Thank you for being the only

Lou's friends that doesn't act awkward when they see me.

Oh, well, that's really... Isn't that silly?

The minute you mention awkward, I... You understand.

Mary, here are all the figures on that.

Edie.

How are you? Fine, Lou. I just dropped in to invite Mary to the wedding.

Oh, yeah, hey, that's right. You're getting married.

I tell you, I've been so busy around here, I forgot all about it. Isn't that

right, Mary?

Oh, yeah, that's right. He's been so busy, he forgot that you were getting

married. He mentioned it to me, that he had forgotten.

You're looking good, Edie.

Thanks, Lou.

Listen, Lou, I don't know if it's usually done, but I've thought it over,

I'd like you to come to the wedding.

It'd be a chance to show everybody and ourselves that we're still friends.

You know, Edie, it's sort of nice, you inviting

me to the wedding.

It's unusual.

Well, it's a hard thing to talk about, Lou.

I didn't know how upset you were about my remarrying.

Well, you know, for a...

A while there. I was having a hard time getting used to it. Ask anybody.

Ask Murray.

He was there when I had to fight with the waffle.

I'm over it now.

I'm glad you're getting married.

I mean it.

Thanks, Lou.

I'll be seeing you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Bye, Edie. Bye -bye, Mary.

You know, Mary, something sort of beautiful just happened here.

Edie just invited me to her wedding.

Mary, would you mind answering this RSVP for me? You mean you're going to the

wedding? Of course I am.

Right after I go to the Pope's wedding.

Big A, what's going on?

still upset about Edie getting married tomorrow. He won't come out of his

office.

Relax, I'll get him out. Ted, what are you going to do?

Just stand back.

Ted, please don't do anything crazy.

Don't worry.

Who's there?

Anna Maria Alberghetti.

Leave him alone, Ted. He'll come out when he wants to.

Poor Lou. He's like a little hurt child.

He needs mother.

I wish I could rush right in there now and throw my arms around him and just

him all over.

Now, that takes care of your problems, Sue Ann, but what about his?

Hello, Mary.

Janie! Hi.

Oh, Janie, I'd like you to meet Sue Ann Nivens. This is Mr. Grant's daughter.

Hello, Janie. How nice to meet you.

I'm sure your father's told you all about me.

Lou, I'm sorry. I don't remember that he has.

Well, he should have.

You're old enough.

The wedding tomorrow?

I think so.

Daddy? Dad?

Mr. Grant, it's your daughter.

Hi.

Come on in.

How are you? Fine. How's it going, Dad?

and they told me you locked yourself in the office.

Yeah.

Say, how's that terrific guy you were going with, Larry?

We broke up.

Thank God.

I came to ask you to come to Mom's wedding.

I'm sorry, honey. I can't. I feel out of place. I wouldn't know what to say to

her or to the guy.

What's he like, anyway?

He's average.

But he's good looking, huh?

Average. Is he tall, short?

Average. I knew it. Your mother's made a guy right off the rack.

Come on, honey. You can tell me the truth.

You're just trying not to hurt my feelings, right?

No.

Well, you want to know something?

I hope this Howard's the greatest guy in the world because that's what your

mother deserves.

Will you come to the wedding? Honey, please. Honey, Mom, she really thinks

be better for you and her if you come.

No, I can't. For me?

Janie, please.

I'm telling you, he's average.

High average or low average?

Well, maybe I'll drop by.

Thanks, Daddy. I'll see you then.

Hey, wait a second.

There's something I meant to ask you.

Not that it really matters, but this guy, Howard,

that your mother's marrying, you're not going to call him Daddy, are you?

No, I promise.

You'll always be the only one I call Daddy.

I'll call him Pops.

I'm kidding. Look at you. I can't even tease you anymore.

Oh, yeah, sure. Hey, you can tease me. I knew I was being teased.

Good tease.

Bye, Daddy.

Bye -bye. Bye -bye, Mary. Bye, Katie.

What time should I pick you up for the wedding?

You're going?

Hmm?

Surprised?

Mr. Grant, I don't want to butt in. It has nothing to do with me.

Well, that never stopped you before.

Come on, why are you surprised? Really, Mr. Grant, this is your very personal

thing. It has nothing to do with me.

It involves your deepest, innermost feelings.

Not for me to get involved in. The last thing in the world you need is my

advice.

Sit down, Mr. Grant.

Look, going to an ex -wife's wedding is a wonderful gesture, you know, for a

sophisticated, worldly, with -it -today kind of guy.

That's me, Mary.

No, Mr. Grant, that's Sonny Bono.

woman who shared your life with you for 23 years promised to love another man. I

just don't think he can take it.

Can't take it?

Can't take it?

Sit down, Mary.

I'm going to tell you a little story.

That's what I figured.

I'm the last guy in the world you say can't take it to.

When I was in basic training,

It was this Corporal Hoffmeyer.

Jerkface Hoffmeyer.

Six foot three, 230 pounds.

For some reason, Jerkface had it in for me. Who knows?

Maybe it was because of the way I looked.

Maybe it was because of where I came from.

Or maybe it was because I was the one who gave him the nickname Jerkface.

Well, in any case, Jerkface kept picking on me.

One day...

He challenged me to come to the gym and put on the gloves with him for five

rounds.

Oh, Mary, that was so funny.

First round, jerk face comes out. He starts dancing around, dancing around.

Jack, Jack, Jack.

Then, when he's got me watching out for his left hand, he slams me with the

right hand right to the kidneys.

Did you ever get hit in the old kidney?

Not in years.

Let me tell you something, Larry. It can hurt.

So I doubled over onto the canvas.

When I looked up, there was Jerkface standing over me. He sneered at me and

said, Can't take it, huh, Grant?

So I got up and started fighting again.

Then he hit me with everything he had.

Lefts, rights, uppercuts.

And I crashed to the floor in a stoop.

front teeth were missing, my nose was bleeding, my jaw was broken, and again I

hear, can't take it.

Six times I went down, six times I got up, but I lasted the whole five

rounds, Mary.

When it was over, there I was, sitting in my corner.

Bleeding. In agony.

You got the picture?

Lord, yes.

And if I can take that kind of beating, do you really believe

that some little, insignificant wedding is going to hurt me?

Yes, I do.

So do I, but I already promised the kid.

Oh, Edie looks beautiful.

Yeah.

Howard, on the other hand, is, uh... Jerk face.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here to join together this man and this woman in

matrimony, which is an honorable estate.

It must be taken lightly, reverently, soberly.

And with discretion.

Howard's losing his hair.

Howard Gordon, do you take... Yeah, it's really blowing his feathers.

I have a lot more hair than he does.

Oh, listen, you can get anything to have a head of hair like yours.

His head looks like half of a bottomless dancer.

To love and to cherish.

Till death do you part.

I do.

And do you, Edith McKenzie, take Howard Gordon to be your wedded husband, to

have and to hold, or better for worse, or richer or poorer, in sickness and in

health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?

I do.

The ring, please.

She did it, Mary.

He said I do.

I know.

And I didn't fall apart, did I?

No, you didn't.

Say it, Larry.

Luke Grant can take it.

You can take it.

By the virtue of the authority vested in me by this saint, I pronounce they are

husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Say,

Mary, I want to say something to Edie.

Oh, you're going to do that, too?

Yeah, yeah.

glad you came, Edie.

Many years of happiness.

Oh, thanks, Mary.

Hello, Lou.

Thanks for coming, Lou. It meant a lot to me.

Are you kidding?

I came to your last wedding, didn't I?

Good luck, Edie.

Thanks, Lou.

So long.

All the best to you.

Mary, you need a drink.

I think so.

What would you like?

Champagne cocktail.

That's what I like about you, Mary. You're sad but classy.

By the usual, Charlie.

Hey, Mary. Hello.

What are you guys doing here?

Well, we figured you'd be coming in here after the wedding, and we just wondered

how you'd be feeling.

Oh, I'm doing okay, but, uh...

You didn't catch the bouquet?

No, I'm okay. I'll be fine.

Not only will you feel fine, but would you believe in about ten seconds, you're

going to be laughing hysterically.

He's figured out an ending for his knock -knock joke.

Hey, who wants to do it with me? Murray, you want to do it with me? I'm so happy

you asked.

Okay, now remember, when I say knock -knock, you say who's there. I know my

part, Ted.

This better be a pretty funny knock -knock joke. I lost a wife today.

Knock -knock.

Who's there?

Anna Maria Alberghetti.

Anna Maria Alberghetti who?

Anna Maria Alberghetti in a taxi.