All language subtitles for Mary Tyler Moore s05e23 Ted Baxters Famous Broadcasters School

Who can turn the world on with her
smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly
make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should
know it.

With each glance and every little
movement you show it. Love is all alone,

need to waste it. You can never tell,
why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after...

Mrs. Morgenstern?

It's Rhoda's mother from New York.

She says she can't talk long because
somebody's waiting to vandalize her

booth. Mrs. Morgenstern, how are you?

Well, no, I'm not busy Thursday night so
far. Why?

Tony Kramer is coming into town.

I don't know Tony Kramer.

What do you mean, would I lie to?

No, Mrs.

Morgenstern, I really...

Hello, Tony.

Thursday night.

Uh, yeah, sure. Thursday will be fine.

Eight o 'clock.

Well, thank you. It was nice talking to
you, too.

Bye -bye.

Listen, uh, Mrs.

Morgenstern.

Yes, he did. He sounded very nice. But
Mrs.

No, you're right, Mrs.

Morgenstern. I'm not.

Bye.

You're not what, ma 'am?

Getting any younger.

Hey, guys.

Everybody, you've got to hear this. The
most exciting thing that's ever happened

to me.

Come on in, Lou. Great news.

What is it now, Ted?

Oh, Lou.

How come every time I come to you to say
something, you say, what is it now,

Ted? Like I'm going to say something
dumb.

How come every time I see a duck, I
expect it to quack?

Ah, you answer my question first.

Newsflash, Ted.

All right, all right.

I just got a call from this guy. He's
coming up to meet me now.

He's setting up a school for
broadcasters, and he wants to use my

The Ted Baxter Famous Broadcasting
School.

It'll be right here in Minneapolis to
start, but it could spread all over the

country. Unless they find a vaccine for
it.

Look, Ted, if you want to get involved
in this, that's your business.

But don't you get the station mixed up
in it, understand?

Right, Lou.

Me in, station out. Check.

You know, this kind of thing takes a
long time to set up, and a lot of money,

too. I mean, if it doesn't work out, you
could lose your shirt. But that's the

beauty of it, Mayor.

This guy Marsh has all the experience
and the money.

All he wants from me is my reputation.

Well, in that case, you've got nothing
to lose.

There he is.

How you doing, partner?

Great.

Hey, everybody, I want you to meet Alan
Marge.

Al, this is my entourage.

Wait a minute.

Don't tell me. Let me guess.

Lou Grant, Mary Richards, and Murray
Slaughter, right?

You know, Ted's told me so much about
all you guys, I feel like I know you.

What you were doing when he discovered
you, how he found you, cleaned you up.

Maybe your first breath. Oh, they don't
want to hear all that.

So, Marsh, Ted tells me that you've had
a lot of experience in setting up these

schools. Tell me, what do you get out of
it?

Pleasure.

You know what it feels like to watch a
kid off the street turn into a disc

jockey? You see, Lou, it's kind of a
mission with me. I travel around, I stop

a city, I sort of...

Plant the seed, nurture it, watch it
sprout.

Sounds fine.

What do you need Ted for?

Fertilizer.

That Mr.

Marsh is such a nice man.

He says one day Ted's name will be a
household word, like spatula.

Come in.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Ted. Hi, Georgette.

How did your meeting go?

Mars told me that Ted Baxter's famous
broadcaster school will open next week.

Gives you goosebumps, doesn't it, Mary?

Well, Ted, I have a high goosebump
threshold.

Well, I guess you wouldn't know what
it's like to claw your way up from the

gutter, would you, Mary? Oh, come on,
Ted. You didn't claw your way up from

gutter. He clawed his way up from the
middle class.

Sometimes it's tougher to claw your way
up from the middle class than it is to

claw your way up from the gutter.

Isn't it wonderful, Mary?

Only in America could a man who never
graduated from school own one.

Isn't it wonderful?

Mary?

Mary, look out there.

You know what that is out there?

54 Chevy?

That's my town, Mary. Minneapolis.

M -I -N -N -I -N -N -N.

I love that toddler town. My school's
going to be out there, Mary.

Out there for kids who won't have to
make the long, hard -growing trip to the

top that I made.

Out there for kids who want to learn the
blood and guts of the broadcasting

game. Out there for any kid with dreams
and ambitions and 300 bucks.

I'm going to be rich, Mary.

I'm going to have all the things that
only money can buy. Happiness, good

health, spiritual fulfillment.

And then...

Then one day, I'm going to use my money
to do something good for my country.

I'm going to make a huge contribution to
a presidential candidate and buy myself

a political appointment.

Ted Baxter, United States ambassador to
Hawaii.

This is the night, guys.

The official opening of Ted Baxter's
famous broadcaster school.

I guess you guys are probably as excited
as I am.

Just think.

Someday, there may be branches of Ted
Baxter's famous broadcaster school all

over the country.

And this is the night when it all
started.

Now you know how Colonel Sanders felt
when he licked his first finger.

But you don't have to dress frowny
unless you want to.

You're going to be there, aren't you,
Mayor?

Well, no, Ted, I'm not. I have a date.

I promised Mrs.

Morgenstern I'd go out with this guy.

He's only going to be in town tonight.
Tonight.

Marie?

No, I can't either, Ted. You see, I
promised Marie I'd take her and the kids

dinner. We've had the reservation for
weeks.

Lou?

I won't be there either, Ted.

Oh, Lou, why not?

Because the idea of going makes me sick
to my seat.

Well, as long as you've got a good
excuse.

Newsroom.

Just a minute. Uh, Ted, it's for you.
It's the manager of the Regency Hotel.

Oh, thanks, ma 'am.

Hello, Ted Baxter here.

What?

Oh, well, uh, Mr. Marshall will take
care of that. Why don't you contact him?

He's right there at the hotel.

He did?

Oh.

Well, I'll get back to you. Thanks a
lot.

What was that about, Ted? It seems Marsh
didn't pay for the banquet room at the

hotel.

And he left late last night without
paying his room bill. What do you think

means, Lou? I think it means that Marsh
is a con man who's taken a powder with

the school's money and left you as the
fall guy for the whole scheme.

What do you think it means, Murray?

I think Lou's right.

Mary? I think Murray's right. Lou? Ted?

Well, I just don't think you'd take off
like that. I mean, I've got faith in

him. How can you have faith in a guy who
skipped town?

I've got to. I loaned him my car.

Boy, I guess I really made a fool of
myself, taken in by a cheap con artist.

Ted, you should have known better than
to trust a man whose business card lifts

aliases.

My mother was right.

When I was just a kid, just starting out
in school, she took me on her knee and

she said to me, Ted, you're going to be
a failure.

Oh, Murray.

Murray, what am I going to do? I mean,
you've got to help me.

I mean, hundreds of people are going to
be demanding their money back. I could

get arrested.

I could go to jail.

And it's not even a big enough crime to
write a book about.

Don't worry, Ted. They're not going to
put you in jail for something silly like

conspiracy to commit fraud.

Murray, I think you and I better talk to
Mr.

Grant.

Come in.

Mr. Grant, Ted really needs help.

I've known that for ten years.

Come on, Lou. A thing like this could
cause big trouble.

Look, I told Ted when he started up this
whole business that he was strictly on

his own. But he's not on his own.

Mr. Grant, we are all involved.

Suppose tomorrow's headlines were to
read, W .J .M. Anchorman Jailed in

Broadcast Swindle. What would your
feelings be then?

Mixed.

Maybe you're right, Mary.

Yeah,

Lou?

How much will that hall for tonight
cost?

$200. Say it, then you go there and tell
those students what happened. I don't

have $200.

You haven't managed to save $200 on your
salary?

Oh, you mean in the bank?

Ted, refund everyone's money.

What? What if 100 people signed up, Lou?

$300 a...

That's $30.

$30 ,000.

$30 ,000.

Either that or come up with a school,
Ted.

You know something?

I'll bet we could.

We could? We could what? Anything as
long as it doesn't cost $30 ,000.

Come up with a school.

You, Mr.

And if we all pitched in, I bet we could
put on a show. Mary could make the

costumes. Mary could write the... And
I'll ask my father to let us build a

stage in the bar.

We can't run a school.

Maybe for only one night.

We could look like a faculty.

If it works, Ted would get an extra week
before his next class to get somebody

else to take over.

I don't know.

Oh, I could get someone in a week, Lou.

Please. Please.

What time does this class start? 8 .30.
We can put something together by then.

Yeah, Lou.

Please.

Please.

Okay.

Thanks, guys.

Thanks, Lou.

I can't tell you how grateful I am.

And if ever there's anything I can do
for you, remember, all you have to do is

ask. Get out of my office.

You got it, Lou.

Now we're even.

Oh, come on. We've been at this for an
hour.

How difficult can it be to come up with
an orientation lecture?

Where are we so far?

Welcome student.

Mary, we don't have much more time to
come up with something.

I think we're looking too hard.

I think it's right here in front of us.

Now, we're all in broadcasting, right?

And the class is about broadcasting.

So all we have to do is tell the class
how we do what we do.

That's terrific.

Mary, of course you'll tell about
writing. Mr. Grant can talk about what

does, budgets, scheduling. I don't want
to talk about budgets.

Well, that's what you do.

I know, but it's boring. I don't want to
talk about it.

Yeah?

I'm looking for a Mary Richards.

My date. I forgot.

Tony.

It's so nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Come in, won't you, please?

This was Lou Grant.

Lou. And Murray Slaughter.

Murray. This is Tony... Kramer.

Kramer. Very nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, these are for you.

Thank you. Listen, Tony, I really have
to apologize about tonight.

Since I talked to you on the phone,
something has come up, and I'm going to

busy for the next couple of hours.

Oh, well, that's all right.

I've really got nothing else to do. I
don't know anyone else in town, so if

don't mind...

I could just wait around and we could go
out to dinner afterwards.

Well, uh, sure, if you don't mind.

Great.

Do you like French food?

I don't know why I brought it up. I
don't know how to talk about what I do.

don't know what I do. I just do it.

I like French food myself.

That and Chinese are my favorites.

Budgets. Who wants to hear about
budgets? I hate budgets, Mary.

All right, guys.

Ted finished the school song.

He wanted to run off enough so everyone
could have their own coffee.

So I opened a class with it, you know.
Give an up -tempo feel of the

proceedings.

Okay.

Listen, everybody.

We had no gym and we had no pool, but we
have heart at Ted Vax's famous

broadcaster school.

because the whole idea is dumb and
stupid and ridiculous, and I don't want

have anything to do with it.

Oh, boy, it's times like this when you
find out who your real friends are.

Lou, we don't need you. We'll do it
without you. That's fine with me.

Of course, if you like good wine,
there's no sense going to a time.

Right. Well, listen, if we're going to
be there on time, everyone, we'd better

leave. Right, dear.

Lou, you sure you don't want to come
with us? No.

I feel stupid trying to teach
broadcasting to a lot of green kids.

Oh, come on, Mr. Grant.

There must have been a time in your life
when you were young and inexperienced.

Yeah.

Someone older and more experienced
helped you?

Yeah.

Showed you what to do and how to get
started when you needed it?

Yeah.

Well, think of this as a way of paying
back that.

All right. All right, I'll do it for
Shirley.

Do you like French movies?

Oh, yes, I do.

Very much.

where the Ted Baxter Famous Broadcaster
School is supposed to meet? To the best

of my knowledge, yes.

Where are the other students?

Are you the teachers?

Yes. Yes, we are the faculty.

You're late.

Class was supposed to start at 8 .30.
It's 8 .40.

You mean that everybody left because
we're ten minutes late? Nobody left.

Nobody was here to leave.

Come here.

What's up, Lou?

Ted, there's only one guy in your
school.

You think the rest of them are out sick?

I think we can't teach a course to just
one person.

I'll handle it.

Look, kid.

There's not going to be any school.

As you can see, the turnout tonight is
less than we expected.

Now, Mr. Baxter here will refund all the
money that you paid in full.

Ted, write the man out a check. I don't
want my money back.

I paid for ten weeks of school, and I
want ten weeks of school.

I changed around a lot of plans to be
here.

When I leave here, I want to leave as a
sports announcer.

Listen, let's be reasonable about this.

You wouldn't want to be the only student
in the whole school.

Who would you study with?

Who would you take to school dances?

You can understand how that wouldn't
work, couldn't you?

No. All my life, I've been the
understanding, nice guy.

People push me around.

I understand.

When my parents gave my brother,
Richard, piano lessons, my father took

and said, we can only afford piano
lessons for one of you, so we're going

give them to Richard.

Understand? And I said, sure, Pa.

I understand.

And then when it came time for college,
my father said, we can only afford to

send one of you, so we're going to send
Richard.

Understand? And I said, sure, Pa.

I understand.

And now you want me to take my money
back and say I understand.

Well, no deal.

I don't understand.

So start the class.

Or you can all talk to my lawyer,
Richard.

Testing one, two, three.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to take
this opportunity to welcome you all to

the first semester of the Ted Baxter
Famous Broadcasters School.

I want now, if I may, to introduce the
members of the TBFBS faculty.

On my far right is Lou Grant, the
executive producer of the WJM 6 o 'clock

Please hold your applause until
everyone's finished.

Next to him is Mary Richards, producer
of the WGM 6 o 'clock news.

And next to her is Murray Slaughter,
head writer for that same news show.

uh, of course, that's Georgette.

She's my chick, so I like to have her
around.

And last but not least, well, yes, as a
matter of fact, he is least, uh...

What's your name again, fella?

Tony Kramer from New York.

He's Perry's date for the evening.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, this will be an ambitious program
of intensified study in the many and

varied aspects of broadcasting.

I think I see a hand out there.

The gentleman in the plaid jacket, would
you please stand up?

What's the passing grade for this
course?

The passing grade.

Blue is... You want to field that one?

We'll probably go by a class average.

Is that plotted on a normal bell curve?

blotted on anything you like.

Thank you. Now, as I was saying, each of
you will have the opportunity

to find his or her niche in this
glamorous field.

Yes.

What about Christmas?

How Christmas?

Do we get off? And for how long?

Well, Christmas is not for six months.

The course will be over by then.

Okay, I just want to check these things
out.

You'll all have the chance to see and
hear and experience communication

firsthand.

You.

faculty? Mary?

Uh, no. We are just the department
heads.

Who is this person? What are you doing?

Yes, during the next ten weeks, you'll
work long and hard.

You'll all know you're ready to enter
the wonderful world of broadcasting.

When you finish.

At the end, there will be a graduation
ceremony.

And I have high hopes of getting Eric
Severide to be here personally to

congratulate you.

Now, before we continue, let me just
mention that immediately following this

orientation class, coffee and cake will
be served.

And we can... break up into smaller
groups so that we can get...

And

so, in the weeks ahead, we'll discuss
such topics as on -the -spot reporting,

libel laws in broadcasting, program
logs, and the anchorman in these

times. Thank you.

No, don't.

That was Mary Richards, our Dean of
Women.

So in conclusion, let me just say this.

Tonight, you have taken the first step
on that long but exciting journey to

being a broadcaster.

Work hard, study hard, and remember, you
are the Ted Baxters

of tomorrow.

Ah, one final question.

Can I still get my $300 back?