Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all

seem worthwhile? Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after long.

You're gonna make it after...

Anybody want to join me for lunch? I'm starved. No, thanks, Ted.

Mary?

No, I brought my lunch too, Ted.

Yeah, that looks good.

Good.

What is that, chicken?

Yeah, chicken.

Looks like it's got sauce on it.

Barbecue sauce. I made it last night.

How many pieces you got there?

Three legs and a breast.

That must have been a funny -looking chicken.

Really looks tasty.

You can eat all that yourself?

Ted, would you, by any chance, pay for this? Yes, that one.

That's the best chicken I ever tasted.

Say, Murray, the station's got these two tickets to the hockey game on Saturday

night. Want to take one of your kids?

Thanks, Lou, but my girls don't care much for hockey.

I'll take them.

Ted, you don't like hockey.

No, but I can sell them to someone who does.

How are the girls, Murr? I haven't seen them in, gee, months. What a ripper.

You know, Susie's going to be six next week, and Marie and I took her shopping.

And I said, if she could choose anything in the whole world, what would she

pick? She said a charge account.

Gee, it must be really nice to have three daughters. Yeah, it sure is, Ted.

I mean, after sons, they're the next best thing. Ted, my girls are the best

thing, not the next best.

Hey. I've got nothing against girls. I think girls are great.

I mean, look at Mary.

She used to be a girl.

Yeah, once upon a time.

You know, I was reading this article in the police gazette.

It explains what makes a baby boy a girl.

You see, our bodies are all filled with these little things called chromosomes.

And when it comes time to make a baby, the mother always puts out a chromosome

called X. But the father... can put out either an X chromosome or a Y

chromosome. I mean, if he puts out an X, it means it's a girl. If he puts out a

Y, it's a boy.

So you see, Mary, it's not your fault if you don't have any sense.

You just haven't been able to come up with a Y when you needed one.

And some guys are like that. They're short on Ys.

On the other hand, you take a guy like me, who's strong, rugged, and tough.

I bet I got Ys coming out of my ears.

Or even without them.

Right.

You know, it's funny.

When Marie and I first got married, we agreed we'd have two kids.

And I just assumed one would be a girl and one would be a boy.

Of course, when Bonnie and Ellen came, I was crazy about them both. But still,

in the back of my mind, I couldn't help wondering what it would be like to have

a son.

And I knew Marie didn't want any more kids, so...

Well, what I did was one night I took her to this romantic place for dinner

dancing and a little champagne and kind of talked her into having another kid.

Your son, Susie.

Right.

Not exactly what I planned, but, well, I wouldn't trade her for ten sons.

Still, every now and then I feel it would be kind of nice to have a little

to buy toys for and take to the playground or to teach how to read.

I don't see what your problem is, Murray. You can do all that with Ted.

You know, it's really dumb, isn't it?

I mean, why does a guy think his life isn't complete until he reproduces a

miniature version of himself? I mean, it's just dumb.

Hello, Marie?

Hey, listen, honey, uh, let's go out to eat tonight.

Yeah, get a sitter and, uh... Why not, Lou?

I'm sorry, Ted.

My anchorman is not going to be a judge at a Miss Nude Minnesota contest.

Come in.

Oh, I'm sorry. If you're busy, I'll come back later. No, no, no, no, no. We're

finished. We're finished.

What's on your mind?

Ted, this is sort of private.

It's all right. Anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of Lou. Sit

down.

Look, I want to ask you guys a question. Sure.

Well, say a man...

have a child and his wife doesn't. What do you do? You want another kid?

Well, yeah.

I mean, I've been thinking about this for a long time and I'd like to have a

son. Is there anything wrong in wanting a son? My own flesh and blood to carry

on my name?

Of course not.

If people didn't have sons, we wouldn't be here discussing this problem right

now.

We'd be three chicks.

Lulu, Muriel, and Veronica.

How'd you get Veronica?

I don't know. It's a silly name like Theodora.

Anyway, Marie and I had a big fight about it last night. I mean, don't I

the right to have a child if I want to?

Well, yeah, sure. But Marie has her rights, too. Hold it. Hold it. When

a woman becomes a wife, she promises

to love, honor, and obey. O -B -E -Y, obey.

That's a legal binding contract.

She just can't walk off the job any time she wants to.

And if she does, you can claim a violation of that contract and sue her

every penny she's got.

Look, I don't want Marie to obey me. I want her to want what I want.

Well, even if she doesn't want it, I think she should do it anyway.

What's the big deal?

All you're doing is asking her to go to a hospital for a couple of hours and

have a baby.

for a year out of her life.

Lou.

Lou?

Lou, what do you think I should do?

Oh, look, Marie, you and Marie are both intelligent people. You've got a

problem, you sit down and discuss it. You tell her how you feel, she tells you

how she feels.

And between the two of you, you figure out a solution.

Right.

And if that doesn't work, slip something into her drink.

Shut up, Veronica.

helping, Mary.

If you hadn't been there, it would have taken two hours to decide between the

blue dress and the green one. Yeah, with me there, it only took three.

It really is a good thing you came.

If I'd been by myself, I probably would have picked the green dress.

Georgia, did you like the green dress better?

Well, I did until you said you liked the blue dress.

like the blue dress and then you agreed with her and then i said i like the blue

dress because i thought you liked it you didn't like the blue dress either no it

was the sales lady who said she liked the blue oh well as long as one of us

likes it

That you're very nice and you don't want to get pregnant.

There aren't many secrets in that office, are there?

Gee, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was a secret.

Please forget I told you.

session in Mr. Grant's office was all about.

Mary just thinking about what he wants. What about me?

Finally, our youngest is in kindergarten this year.

On the other hand, it's hard to say that Murray's wrong, too.

I mean, you know, I can understand your point of view completely. There is no

argument there, not at all. Still, I understand how Murray feels, too.

I'm not saying that I agree with him, you know, just that I understand how he

feels. Of course, just as I understand how you feel.

On the other hand, it's... Marie, I don't know what to tell you to do.

I bet that saleslady would know what to do.

Morning. Mr. Grant, I have something to say, so I might as well just say it and

get it out of the way.

Okay. I don't know what you said to Murray in there on Friday, but I think

should know that on Saturday, Murray came over to my house and she was very

upset. Hey, all I told Murray was that this whole business of having a kid or

not was something they had to work out between them.

Really? Yeah.

Oh, well, I'm so glad to hear that, because that's just what I told Marie.

I mean, I feel very strongly that you and I and everyone else should just stay

out of it, not get involved. That's why I told Marie what I told him.

I didn't want to take sides, even though, as it happens, I think Marie's

good case.

A good case?

Sure. A man doesn't feel complete till he has a son.

Oh, come on, Mr. Grant. You've got three daughters.

Do you ever seriously wish they were sons?

Yeah, when they stayed out till two in the morning.

have a baby if she doesn't want one sometimes i think men have no idea

involved in caring for a baby the amount of time that's involved the total

commitment hey hey why are you telling me i've got three kids you don't have

well you don't have to be a chicken to recognize an egg

My share.

I don't know how many times I had to get up at four in the morning to tell Edie

the baby was crying.

And I walked him plenty of times myself, too.

Mr. Grant, the point is that when Murray and Marie got married, they agreed they

were only going to have two children. Right. A girl and a boy.

Marie didn't live up to her end of the bargain.

It's all a big joke to you, isn't it? Well, a woman doesn't have to have a

if she doesn't want to. Well, I say a man's entitled to have a baby if he

to.

say we'd sure like to be there when he has it.

I've got you there, Lou.

Hey, you two still fighting about Murray's having a kid? No, Ted, we're

fighting about Murray's having a kid. We are both staying out of this. We are

both neutral. Right, Mary?

Right.

Morning, everybody. Morning.

Everything all right?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

You and Murray talk things over?

Yeah, it's all settled.

I'm moving into a hotel tonight.

You're not going to a hotel, I won't hear it, but you're going to spend the

night with me.

It'll be terrific.

You don't want to be alone.

Thanks, Ted, that's very nice of you. Yeah, we'll have a great time. They're

having a masquerade party in the recreation room tonight.

And you can come as anybody you like.

Except Batman and Robin, because that's me and Georgette.

Wait till you see my Robin costume.

appreciate you letting me stay over tonight, Dad.

Yeah, no trouble.

Got an extra bed.

Hey, why do you have twin beds?

Well, you never know when a chick might want to stay over.

If you, uh, get my drift.

I know you don't feel much like laughing tonight, do you, old buddy?

Well, I know what it feels like when you've lived with someone a long time

get really close to them and suddenly they're not there anymore.

I remember years ago I had this hamster, Louise.

One day I came home.

The cage was tipped over and she was gone.

Oh, I know. It's not the same thing as a wife.

Those first few days, I thought I'd go out of my mind.

See what I'm getting at, Marie?

No.

What's your point, Dad?

I think you ought to go out and get a hamster.

Anyway, it's not like I left Marie for good.

I mean, I just thought we should have a little cooling down period, a little

time to think things over.

In fact, I'm going to call her right now.

Marie?

You know, it's your life and I don't want to get involved, but I think you're

idiot if you call Marie.

Don't you see it?

You're both engaged in a battle of wills.

You want a baby and she doesn't.

The only question is who's going to give in first. Remember, you're the man.

You're the strong one.

All you've got to do is hold your ground.

Stay away from her.

Sooner or later, Maria...

pretty strongly about this. I mean, like she said, it's her body.

Well, sure it is, but that doesn't mean you can't borrow it for a little while.

No, it's not just that. I mean, she really thinks there are too many people

the world.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

I went to the movies the other night to see The Great Gatsby. There couldn't be

more than six people in the whole theater.

She's got a point.

Overpopulation is a real problem. Sure, overpopulation is a problem. That's why

people should have lots of babies.

Because one day, one of those babies is going to grow up and solve that problem.

Maybe I won't call Marie tonight.

That's the spirit, Marie.

Hey, don't worry.

We'll get you a son yet.

Well, it's time to hit the deck.

Good night, Marie.

Good night, Ted.

I hope and pray.

What was that?

Nothing, nothing.

Ted, were you praying?

Well, a little. It's a habit I got into when I was a kid.

What were you praying for?

You wouldn't be interested.

No, Ted, come on. I would be. Why?

Well, everything will work out between you and Marie.

And that... That what, Ted?

And that Mary will bring some more barbecue chicken for lunch tomorrow.

That had to be one of the worst restaurants you and I have ever gone to.

there was one advantage.

We got home early.

True.

I'll be right back.

You want to try to remember where we were?

Mary, you've got to help me. Could I help you tomorrow, Mary?

Hi, Andy.

I'm not interrupting anything, am I?

I'll always wonder.

Look, I won't be any bother. I'll just sit up here.

You see, Andy, my wife and I had a big argument, and I don't have any place to

go. Murr, I thought you were staying with Ted.

Yeah, that was last night.

I'm not going to go through that again.

He woke me up at 3 o 'clock in the morning and asked, do you want to have a

pillow fight?

Well, Murr, what's on your mind?

Well. Maybe I better go.

No, no, Andy, don't go. It would help if you did.

Murray.

Hey, Perry.

It's all right. Listen, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Hey, look, I'm really sorry

about this.

Why don't you two go out tomorrow night?

can. I'm busy. How about the night after? I play poker. What about Friday?

It's a date.

Good night.

Good night.

All right, what is it?

Oh, Mary, I, uh, I want to talk to you about the sun thing.

Oh, Murray, not the sun thing again.

Murray, you are one of the dearest people I know, but honestly, the last

of days you have been acting like a jerk.

There's something inside of me that wants a touch of immortality.

I want the world to know that Mary Slaughter was here. Don't you see? I

leave a little piece of myself behind. Why don't you pickle a kidney?

Look,

I can understand your wanting a son, but what I can't understand is what you're

putting Marie and the girls through because of it. Oh, neither can I.

I guess it was something that Ted said that made me realize I was wrong.

What'd he say?

He said I was right.

Well, Marie, if you realize you're wrong, why don't you tell Marie?

Because I've gone too far already.

After all this, how can I just pick up the phone and tell her I was wrong?

Marie, you told me.

Go on.

Call her.

Okay.

Hello,

honey?

It's me.

Listen, I'm coming home.

And I have a terrific idea.

Let's have our favorite dinner.

With some ice cream for dessert.

Okay. With chocolate sauce.

Didn't I tell you?

Yeah.

Now, would you put your mommy on, please?

Where's my lunch?

It'll be here any minute.

Marie's not in yet? It's one o 'clock.

No, he called a few minutes ago. He said he had a meeting at his lawyer's.

She's not having trouble with Marie again.

Oh, no, I don't think so. I had dinner at their house a couple of nights ago.

They seemed perfectly happy.

I hope you're right.

What do you eat?

Chicken. Thank you.

Mary, is that... Yes, Ted.

Oh, thank you.

as much as you do.

But I still say, Murray never should have come crawling back to it.

Ted, don't talk with your mouth full.

And your brain empty.

Hey, everybody.

Hi. Everybody, I got a terrific announcement.

Marie and I are going to have a son.

Hey!

Murray, that's wonderful.

Oh, thanks, Mary.

That's good news. Thank you, Lou. Good news.

You took my advice and slipped her a Mickey, huh?

Marie, we talked it over and decided to adopt.

Oh, Murray, what a great idea. Yeah.

But doesn't it take a long time to adopt? Well, usually, but that's the

thing, Lou. See, there's this 90 -year -old boy from Vietnam.

A couple in St. Paul arranged to bring him over here, but they broke up, and

he's available, and, well, my lawyer just worked out all the details.

What's he like? Have you seen him? Not yet, no. Marie picked him up this

while I was with the lawyer, but she's going to bring him over here, and I'm

really excited.

I think that's really great, Murray.

You know, that reminds me of a story I once heard.

This little boy got lost in the forest, and this pack of wolves found him and

took him back to the den.

And the wolves, they fed him and cared for him and raised him, just like he was

one of their own. Gee, must have come as quite a surprise when they finally told

him he was adopted.

I'm your... her husband.

Hello.

Hello.

Well, I'd like to introduce you around.

This is Mary Richards.

Hello. Hello.

This is Mr. Grant.

How you doing, kid?

Hello. This is Ted Baxter.

Hello, young man.

Gee, Marie, he looks just like you.

Terrific kid, isn't he?

Oh, he's beautiful.

He wants me to take him to the bathroom.

You know, it's really funny.

When I used to think about having a boy, I always pictured myself taking him to

the ball game or taking him to the circus.

Well, I guess this is what it's really like having a boy.

Take him to the bathroom.

That's a lovely story, but don't you think you ought to... Come on, Leach.

Hiya, Phil.

Corned beef fry?

Yeah. Orange chili.

Hey, Phil, I'm sorry, what's your last name again?

Kramer. Oh, yeah.

Phil Kramer.

I'd like to have you meet... my son.

Hello.

Hey, that's wonderful.

Look what he typed.

He types the way Ted reads.

Hey, are you guys ready to go to lunch? Oh, yeah. Hey, hold it, hold it.

I've got a little trick here I want to show Lee Chin.

Look at that.

I pulled a quarter right out of your ear.

Lee Chin.

Bye, quarter.

Bye.