Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you showed it, love is all

need to waste it. You can never tell, why don't you take it?

You're gonna make it after all.

You're gonna make it after all.

All right.

What do you got there, Murray?

What does it look like? I'm changing my ribbon.

The other one's worn out.

A good workman never blames his tools.

A good workman doesn't have to write for one.

Hey, you two. You're starting kind of early today, aren't you?

You're right, ma 'am. You're right.

Ted, I apologize.

Ma 'am, look what we did.

What's gotten into you today? Oh, he's just jealous because I'm going to

and he is.

What makes you so sure Lou's going to pick you? Well, he's certainly going to

pick someone who can't even change a typewriter ribbon. Pick someone for

What's all this about Chicago?

Well, Lou got a call last night. They want us to send one delegate to the

broadcaster's convention.

Three whole days, everything paid for.

Where do you want to go? You're married.

What's that got to do with it? Come on, married guys at a convention in a hotel

in a strange town.

Does that suggest a certain atmosphere?

Yeah, it sure does.

A bunch of middle -aged drunks in funny hats asking some cab driver... where the

action is.

Cab driver, huh?

Well, I take it you're not interested in being our delegate.

Me? No, no way.

Oh, wait, Murray, you don't suppose with my bad luck that I'm gonna... You'd be

wasted on you.

You're not a guy.

You don't even have credit cards.

Anyway, what are we arguing?

Lou's gonna make up his own mind. Nothing we say is gonna influence him.

Lou, let me go to the convention.

Mother was up all night sewing name tapes into his shorts.

Why did you guys want to go so much? Well, it's a chance to see Chicago

Take in a couple of restaurants.

Go to a basketball game. Have some drinks with the guys.

Just have a little fun.

Maybe you're right.

I'll go.

My lair? Oh, sure.

I always think of you as a big, gruff bear. You hide in here and growl at

people, but you have a playful side, too.

Yeah.

The bear is the clown of the animal world, Lou. His lumbering gait conceals

prancing spirit.

I always think of you that way.

Prancing.

Crouching, skulking in your lair until just the right moment comes to rush...

and kill someone.

I don't always have to rush outside.

Sometimes they come right into my cave.

You don't scare me.

I know.

What can I do for you, Sue Ann?

What flight are you taking to Chicago?

Why?

I thought we should travel together for the company.

I didn't know you were going.

Who would miss a chance like this?

Three days and nights in the city where I had my first program.

It was a cooking show called Let's Talk About Meat.

Oh, Lou, I will show you the town. We'll go everywhere together. We'll see

everything. We'll do everything.

It'll give us something to remember and talk about. years afterward.

So what's your flight number?

I'm not going. Mary is.

Good

morning,

Mary. Oh, Mary, I wish you were going to Chicago instead of me.

Well, to tell you the truth, Marie wasn't too crazy about the idea to begin

with. Now, don't get me wrong, Mary. She's very understanding.

If I told her I was going, she would accept it in silence.

Which would last until February.

Besides, Lucho's you.

Lucky!

Hi, guys.

Hi, Ted.

Bought your suitcase to the newsroom, huh?

Really? Rubbing it in, eh, Mary?

No, Ted.

Sure. The old Statue of Liberty play.

Ted. But Mary and me knock each other off while you pick up all the marbles.

Ted, come on. Oh, I could say enjoy yourself, Mary. I could say have a good

time, but... That would be phony.

I'm too much an upfront guy for that, so I'm going to live with you as a friend.

I hope you have a rotten stay in Chicago.

I hope it rains all the time and you can't go to the beach.

I know what you're going to say.

There's no beach in Chicago. Well, I just remembered that.

There's a lake, Mary.

I hope you can't make it to the lake. I hope it rains the whole time you're

there. Kid, you realize, of course, this means no postcard.

or the Empire State Building anyway.

I know, I know.

The Empire State Building isn't in Chicago.

Well, tough.

All set for the Windy City, Mary? That toddlin' town?

Hey, Mr. Grant, are you sure you won't go? I'd like to go. I really would.

It'd be fun. Oh, Mr.

Grant, would it be fun?

Lots of fun. A lot of drinkin' with a guy.

I'm glad you're looking forward to it.

I'd go, but I can't get away this week.

I've got to get my car washed, go to the barber shop, buy some socks.

Believe me, Mary, there are lots of good reasons.

Well, Sue Ann, don't hello me, Mary.

I find that kind of hypocrisy a little hard to swallow.

Hello is hypocritical.

If you were that desperate for a trip to Chicago, you'd have my pity.

Sue Ann, I... To deprive a hard -working man like Lou Grant of a good time

simply to advance your own career is deplorable. But, Sue Ann, he asked me to

go. Competing with a man is both aggressive and unfeminine, Mary. Now, I

know what you hope to achieve, but your ambition is certainly obvious.

No, Sue Ann, Mr. Grant can't go. He's got to go to the barber and get a

and new socks.

I've never heard such transparent hogwash in all my life. Neither have I.

Bathroom light switch, coffee maker, TV, air conditioner.

You won't be needing it. We're supposed to have three straight days of cold

wind.

How foolish we'd be to let a few crosswords come between us.

Or a double door.

Exactly.

It's kind of fun, isn't it? Like being back in college.

Okay, you made your point, Ted. You want to call it off?

Hello,

is Steve Norman there, please?

Good. Would you tell him that Sue Ann Nivens is calling?

You should always lock your suitcase, dear, and put the key in a safe place.

In your shoes, say.

Would you try him, please? And be sure and tell him it's me.

When you're traveling, always pack shoes bottom up so as not to smudge other

clothes. Just remember, souls toward heaven.

Oh, that's cute, Sue Ann. Cute, cute, cute.

Oh, he's in a meeting, too.

Thank goodness.

He's a dreadful bore. We were lucky.

We? Uh, why do you say we? Is Marvin...

Okay? Mary, don't be silly. This is Chicago. I know everybody.

Yeah, but I don't want to see everybody, really, Sue Ann. I've got my own plans.

You know, tomorrow I've got a day full of meetings and theater tickets.

I want to do some sightseeing. And tonight I'd really like to just go to

early. Suit yourself, Vera.

Oh, Marvin's in a meeting, too?

Well, thank you.

Anything wrinkled should be hung in the bathroom and steamed.

Put tissue paper in your shoes and don't hang sweaters. It gives you pointy

shoulders.

I wonder what kind of meeting Marvin the janitor would go to.

Hello?

Yes, just a minute.

Thank you.

Uh, Sue Ann, you want a... Oh, sure, dear.

Thank you. And don't forget, put slacks under the mattress during the night so

while we sleep... We press our pants.

Hello?

Oh, Mr. Grant, hi.

What can I do for you?

Oh, you know, I just want to make sure you were okay.

Tell her I did, too.

Yeah, Murray, too.

Me and Murray want to make sure you were okay.

That's it.

Make me look like a sawhead.

And Ted.

You said it, I didn't.

So, uh, you behaving yourself there in that hotel room? room? Mr.

Grant, I'm a little too tired to do anything else, but I think when I hang

I'm just going to wash my hair, read a book, and get into bed. I'm just

a nice, quiet evening alone.

Mary,

I want you to meet Hal and Freddie.

We're not on a last name basis yet.

Pleased to meet you, Mary.

Not half as pleased as I am. If we're intruding, please tell us. Not that

stop, but please tell us.

Do you have any ice, Mary? Oh, good. She's got glasses.

It's fun to make passes at girls who have glasses.

Sue Ann, I met them in the hall, Mary. They were looking for the ice machine.

It's not in here.

Well, we can send for some.

Over chilling spoils the bouquet of really fine whiskey.

This is not all that fine.

you should double his little lady's salary.

May I please? That's telling him, huh, Mary?

Mr. Grant,

I'll see you on Monday.

Sue Ann, may I speak to you for a minute alone?

Oh, I get it. A little girl talk, huh?

Well, I can take a hint.

Don't fight over me, girls. There's plenty for everybody.

Mary, your behavior is verging on rudeness.

and Freddy, dear. They're two lonely men in a big city. They don't know where to

turn. Let them ask a cab driver.

Excuse us. We just had a wonderful idea.

If you girls don't have any plans for dinner... Why don't you pick us up in

minutes? Two ands. All right, all right. Make it fifteen.

That'll give us time to put our faces on. You understand.

Sure, but don't worry about changing, Mary. You look terrific just the way you

are. Aren't you sweet?

Mary, stubbornness is a weed that spoils our garden.

It poisons the soil, chokes the other plants, screens out all the sunshine.

Now get the lead out.

Sue Ann, I am sure that they are very nice men, but I was really planning on

spending a nice, relaxing evening in a hot tub. Life is too short, Mary. We

get...

That's how you feel.

We'll forget about Hal and Freddy.

Good. Thank you. Two of us will stay here all evening, and we'll try to

the serious problem you have in dealing with other people.

You know, I've always thought it would be interesting to delve into Mary

Richard's psyche and find out who you really are.

It'll just take me a minute to change.

Well,

how about some wine?

Oh, now, wine is a man's department. Why don't you order? All right, all right.

Do you like red or white? I would suggest, however, a robust burgundy with

enough body so it's not overwhelmed by the steak au poivre.

I don't care.

Well, neither do I. Why don't we just forget about the wine?

So, what convention are you fellows with?

Well, now, take a guess. What do we look like?

Oh, I don't want to guess. I hate that. Oh, come on. No, I hate guessing. I

always guess wrong.

Go on. You'll die.

No, I won't. You'd better.

We're morticians.

That's the problem. We've got this gloomy image and we're trying to change

And we're succeeding.

How did you get interested in what you do?

I like being around people.

and teaches us not to fear death.

Really? Why should we fear it? We get a 70 % discount.

Now, listen, enough about us, Barry. Let's talk about you.

Would you care to dance?

Oh, no, thank you.

What do you do for a living?

How about Sue Ann?

All right. What does she do for a living?

I have a little TV show.

It's really interesting, too. She's the happy homemaker. She gives tips.

Is that right?

Did you know that fresh flowers will last a week if their stems are dipped in

salt?

Isn't that interesting?

We don't need them a week.

Are you sure you don't want to dance, Mary?

Look at that button. You're going to lose that.

Well, it's like we always say, nothing lasts forever.

You know, since so few people carry a needle, if you just... Just wrap

cellophane around those remaining threads. You can save them.

I don't carry cellophane.

I do.

You do?

Isn't that nice?

I'll bet you move like a cat on a dance floor.

Say, let's take her up to Norman's party later.

Oh, good idea.

Oh, no, I don't think so, really. We're both very tired. You know, after that

long flight, it was an hour on the plane.

It'll be a real hoot, Mary. I'll bet you've never been to a mortician's

Right.

I was going to use this in a Pyrex seminar tomorrow, but my knees come

All right.

Let's assume they preferred you.

Hey, look, I'm really sorry.

Although, why should we assume a thing like that?

Because they sat next to you, talked to you, danced with you, flattered you? No,

no. I laughed at their rotten mortician jokes.

And at that party afterwards, it was painfully obvious that those jokes...

turned your stomach.

But I laughed for three hours at a party where we were the only women there who

weren't paid to be there.

Really a good sport. Tell me something, Mary.

Doesn't it ever bother you that you were the obvious favorite of a group of men

who spend all their time with dead people?

Sue Ann, look, everyone has dates that don't work out.

Rejection.

what we're talking about, Mary.

Rejection. Say it.

I want to hear you say it.

Rejection.

You can't even say it with conviction.

Sue Ann, everyone's been rejected. Everyone but you.

for someone who's left the country.

Rejection is cooking dinner for a man's entire family.

Eleven people, Mary.

Eleven Hungarian people.

Cooking dinner for six hours and having none of them show up. You don't forget a

thing like that.

No, I'm sure you don't. Your butcher doesn't forget it either.

rejection.

Those are all actual true life examples of rejection.

York to get it.

if my weekend was killing two flies with one swat.

Morning. Hi, Mr. Grant. I was just telling Tad Murray about my weekend in

Chicago.

Uh -huh.

Sounded like you girls were having quite a time.

Oh, yeah. Well, I wanted to explain to you about that phone call. Oh, don't

you have anything to explain to me, Mary.

No, no, no, Mr. Grant. Really, I would like to.

Why?

Because when I called you, all I could hear was shrieks.

And giggles in the sound of drunken laughter?

No, Mr.

Grantley, there is a perfectly logical explanation for what you heard. Oh,

really, Mary?

And what is it?

We were having an orgy.

She's only kidding, Mary.