Original subtitles

Who can turn the world on with her smile?

Who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?

Well, it's you, girl, and you should know it.

With each glance and every little movement you show it, love is all around

lonely too.

Wasted you can never tell why don't you take it you're gonna

of dusk, the bank felt the robbers enter and

violate it?

Ted, what kind of news story is this?

It's a technique I learned in my creative writing class, Lou.

It's called personification.

I rewrote Murray's story telling of the bank robbery from the bank's point of

view.

Ted, don't write anymore.

We're not even sure we want you to read, so don't write it.

Well, I only took the course loop because I heard Cronkite sometimes

news, and if Cronkite can do it, Baxter can do it. And if Baxter can do it, a

duck can do it.

If it weren't for me, we wouldn't have that swell scoop right now.

Ted, don't say scoop.

Scoop is what Lois Lane says to Clark Kent.

If you want to say scoop, go get a job on the Daily Planet.

have to do this story over again. Take out Ted's words and put back Murray's.

Right. Murray, have you finished that editorial yet? I'd like to read it

we go in the air. Here's the first page. I've got to proof the rest.

I know what it is that's bothering him.

I've faced it all my life.

When you're really good looking, nobody takes you seriously.

Hiya, Mayor.

Hi. Your car and I are here.

Oh. And I put in a full tank of gas for you. Hey, that's great.

Yeah, listen, it's getting pretty hard to get gas these days.

Give the attendant a free set of glasses.

Boy, Mary, you know something? You got a real Miz job.

What do you mean?

Well, this is the kind of job Gloria Steinem wants you to have. Oh, yeah,

Whereas my job, Gidget would have passed up to go hang tin.

Oh, come on.

It's the truth, Mayor.

Responsibility, all this excitement.

Although one semi -exciting thing did happen to me at work today.

Oh, yeah? What's that? They fired a window dresser.

She stole a mannequin.

Listen, Rhoda, give me just a few minutes, Lee. I've got to finish this

Yeah, it's a short story, though, Mia. Listen, they were interviewing people

the job, right? So they were all set to hire this one girl.

And then they found out she lied about having a lot of previous experience.

Oh, Rhoda, listen, really, I've got to get this done.

Right, sure.

They'll probably hire her anyway, though.

I think they should.

I mean, everybody lies on job applications.

I know I have. Sure. Hey, Mia, you lied on your job application for this, right?

You said you were a college graduate.

Remember? Rhoda!

Oh, I'm sorry. You've got to finish. Go on. Go ahead.

Rhoda, could I speak to you for just a moment?

Yes. Ted,

would you excuse us?

Oh, yes, sure.

Rhoda, that application thing is something I felt really funny about, and

didn't want anyone to know. I still don't. Oh, Mary, that's so silly. I

listen, you've been here for three years.

Who cares? No one does.

Rhoda! I'll prove it to you.

Lou, you don't care if Mary isn't a college graduate, do you? Why should I

See, because she said on her application that she was.

Mary.

You were the last human being on earth I trusted to always tell the truth.

What a relief.

We'll have to talk about this. Yes, we'll have to talk about this, Mary. I'd

like to know what other little stories you made me swallow over the years.

Are you happy?

You lied.

Oh,

Mary lied.

Little Miss Perfect lied.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

I have some work to do. I could have done things like that, you know.

I could have said that I was a college graduate.

Sure, why pay tuition? You want to be a college graduate?

Just lie and say it like Mary.

What else did you make up little stories about, Mary? If, in fact, your name is

Mary. Mr. Grant, do you want this rewritten?

Yeah.

I want it rewritten. I want it rewritten by a college graduate.

I bet you didn't even go to college at all. Yes, I did, Ted. I went for two

years. Oh, sure, two years. Let's see, that must have been when I got my Ph .D.

at Heidelberg.

Ted, you're on.

Oh, I am? How am I doing?

Come on, Ted, you can't possibly be upset.

Oh, yeah, well, I think I am. No, you just can't be.

I can't be because I obviously am, so I can be.

No, you're not.

Why would you be upset by it, huh?

Okay, Rhoda, I will try to explain it to you. My day was going just great. Then

you walked in here and you told something that I had asked you not to

And then when I told you how upsetting and embarrassing it was getting for me,

you refused to believe it and refused to believe that I am upset.

Now you're being ridiculous.

And I can't believe how insensitive you're being. Hey, I don't like that.

Oh, Rhoda, I'm sorry.

For the last 20 minutes, you've been humiliating me, and I say one little

to you. Yeah, but that one little thing is something that I'm very sensitive

about. My insensitivity.

Okay, Rhoda, let's just not talk about it anymore, okay? Good, let's not talk

about it anymore. Good. I'm leaving. Good.

Mood, you're in. I don't want to drive home with you anyway. Terrific.

Murray, would you drive me home?

Are you too upset to drive?

Are you sure you're all right?

Yeah, I'm all right. You can go, really. I'm just, I'm fine. Because I can stay

if you're upset.

Yeah, well, I'm upset, you know, but I'm not so upset that you can't go.

Okay.

Murray, am I wrong?

Mary, you're asking the wrong person. You know how I feel about you. I mean, I

still believe you graduated from college.

Well, it's just so crummy.

Well, what are you doing?

to stay busy, so I organized things.

When I was a kid, if I got mad, my mother used to put me in whatever room

tidying up.

Mary, I have this friend who goes to a psychiatrist and he told him that when

you're mad, it's healthy to yell at the person you're mad at. Or to just plain

yell in general.

He said it's very good for you. It makes you feel good after it's over.

Boy, you know, Murray, there have been times when I wanted to let out a really

good... scream, you know.

But I always thought I was too thin, you know.

I mean, I thought being a thin person that the scream would just be very thin.

Yeah, it's hard.

My friend is very embarrassed about screaming.

To cover, he takes roller coaster rides.

Yeah, he got in trouble when he screamed at his job once. He's a surgeon.

like this happening, being on the outs with somebody I really like.

You know, Murr, if I thought I was wrong, I would apologize in a minute.

You think I was wrong?

No. Did Mr. Grant?

Well, he did at first.

Yeah? Yeah, but later he said he thought Rhoda just went too far.

So everyone thinks I'm right? Everyone but Ted. He thinks you're wrong.

Then I guess I'm right.

Oh, Murray.

It's lonely being right.

Everybody, uh, before I say good morning, I just wanted to say that, um,

that little scene that I was a part of here yesterday. Well, um, I'm sorry.

morning! Good morning.

Actually,

I'm really embarrassed about it.

You know, I always thought that if you just said you were embarrassed about

something, then you wouldn't be embarrassed anymore.

I was wrong.

Come on, Mary.

It was okay, really.

Well, I don't know.

I was so shaken, I mispronounced some words in the news.

I knew there had to be a good explanation.

Mary, do you want to come in my office for a minute?

Mary, I brought you in here to make you feel better, but I've got a meeting in

five minutes, so look.

The reason I hired you had nothing to do with what you said on your application.

I hired you because you were right for the job.

And because on your way in for the interview, you bumped into a desk and

excuse me.

I did?

Excuse me. To a desk.

I thought there's something special about a person who's nice to an

object.

Most people, you know, just couldn't care less.

So I just wanted you to know that you're kind of special to me.

Oh, Mr. Grant.

How are you feeling?

Oh, I feel okay.

Huh?

Well, I've got two more minutes.

Thank you.

And everybody at the station likes you. I heard it four times today.

I like Mary. I like Mary. I like Mary. I like Mary.

Mary,

if you're not feeling better yet, I guess I can be late.

Oh, no, Mr. Grant, I feel better.

Oh, not a moment too soon.

Thank you.

Say, now that you and Rhoda are on the outs, what do you say we have dinner

together sometime this week?

Nothing fancy.

A steak?

Baked potato, good red wine, that kind of thing. Mr. Grant, that sounds really

nice. I like that.

Okay, I'll be over at your place Friday night.

Oh, hi, Georgia.

Hi.

I hope I didn't interrupt you because I know how you value your privacy.

Everybody values their privacy except me.

Oh, no. No, really. I'm glad to have the company.

Especially tonight.

I can't stay.

That's what I came over to tell you. Rhoda invited me for dinner tonight.

And I just couldn't walk past your door as though I didn't know who lived here.

Oh, no. Well, listen, we can stay a few minutes anyway, can't you? No.

Please don't worry about that.

But, Mary, I do worry about that. I'm worried sick over you and Rhoda.

I've been having these ridiculous thoughts about how I can get you two to

friends again.

We'll be friends again.

Don't worry.

But it's been a while, and you're still not back together.

I was thinking of drastic things to do, like pretending to spray my ankle on the

stairs so you both come running out to see why I was screaming in pain.

But I'm not that good at fooling. And frankly, even though I like you both so

much, it's not worth really spraining and angling.

But is there anything I could do?

No, really, not a thing. You just tell Rhoda hello.

You mean it? Yes.

Tell Rhoda hello.

This could do it, Mary.

Just a minute ago. She knew I was coming up here.

Oh. Well, tell her I say hello.

Okay. Well, not now!

You don't have to tell him now.

Tell her after dinner.

What's in the box?

I got us the cutest cupcake she ever saw. Oh, yeah? With Leonard Hummel's

in mocha on each one.

Who's Leonard Hummel?

I don't know.

But it's his birthday. He has the stomach flu, poor little kid. That's how

we're having his cupcakes.

Oh, that's a shame, huh? And he has such a sweet face, and he looks so happy.

I guess this was taken before he had the flu.

Very thoughtful of you, Georgette. Thank you.

Rhoda. What?

It's so hard for me to believe Rhoda and Mary not friends.

Oh, Georgette.

But you two belong together.

I won't say you're like peas in a pod. because I hate peas, Rhoda, and I won't

say you're like sisters because you're more than sisters.

I'll just say, Rhoda, I'll just say that you, Rhoda and Mary, are a lot like

Pittsburgh.

Look, I'll get these sketches out of your way so you can see. What are they

Oh, these are for the window display for Easter, you know, down at the store.

I had to prepare two sets because they still haven't decided if they want to go

cute or Christian.

Give you a salad and stir there. The dressing's fine.

Looks great.

I hope you like it.

Okay, Georgette, how are Mary and I a lot like Pittsburgh?

Pittsburgh Road is the place where the Allegheny River and the Monongahela

meet to form the mighty Ohio River.

Now, separately, the Monongahela and the Allegheny River are two little skinny

rivers. But when they meet in Pittsburgh, well...

You love each other, you need each other.

Look, Georgette, I really... I mean, people need best friends.

Okay, you be my best friend, okay?

Oh, I don't think so, Rhoda. I don't think I could handle a big

First I'd have to start with someone easier, and then after I got some

experience, then maybe I could be your best friend.

But right now, I think I'm a little green for you, Rhoda.

I've never had zucchini coated with this stuff before.

It's great. What do you call this stuff?

Flour.

Flour, huh?

Oh, flour's pretty good.

I gotta get me some.

Mary,

we got together tonight to have a good time.

You know what's missing?

Good. All we're having is a time.

I'm sorry, Mr. Grant. It's just that I'm not very good company tonight.

Hey, I got an idea.

I'll joke you out of it. Joke me out of it?

I'll tell you a joke. You'll think it's funny. You'll laugh. You'll be joked out

of it.

Okay.

Joke me out of it.

I can't tell you a joke if you're going to sit like that.

A joke's got to spring up at you. You can't make a big thing out of it. You

already made too big a thing out of it. I'm sorry. It's a pretty funny joke,

too. Go ahead and tell him.

Okay.

Here goes.

What would happen?

If Billie Jean King married Bobby Riggs... What? Her husband would be very

upset.

See, that was a joke that we could both enjoy.

It had women's lib in it for you and sports in it for me.

It was a joke for us.

A lot of jokes aren't like that.

Boy, I know a lot of jokes that neither of us would like.

I should have stopped by the bar on my way here and picked up a better joke.

Oh, Mr. Grant, it was a good joke. It's just, all night long I've been thinking

about this thing with Rhoda, and tonight I'm just about as depressed as I've

ever been in my whole life.

You think you're going to cry?

Yeah, I think I'm going to cry.

Oh, boy.

And I know how you hate that sort of thing, so...

I hate that sort of thing.

If you'll excuse me, then I'll just go cry in the kitchen. Yeah, that would be

good idea.

that they're gaining weight.

You know, they get great advice on diets and things.

If I say I'm gaining weight, people say, good.

If I have a cold and I feel really miserable, the only thing people say is,

don't you look cute with that little red.

Listen, Mary.

No, no, listen.

Because people make jokes doesn't mean that they don't care.

People make jokes because it's a way of covering up their feelings.

People can make jokes and really care, Mary.

That's a very insightful thing you just said.

Yeah, well, I got lucky.

Usually I'm not so insightful.

Once in a while I take a shot and I get lucky.

Actually, Mary, this whole conversation is really over my head.

Hey, you know what I think would be the best thing you could do for yourself

right now?

What? Forget your problems. Think about something else.

Like what?

Basketball. There's a great game tonight.

Might take your mind off things.

And I have a bet on it.

You know, Mary, this isn't such a bad evening.

We had a dinner hour.

The crying...

on my way down to take down my garbage. Me too.

So, that's a great deal of garbage there.

For one person.

Oh, no, I usually have this much garbage.

Really? Yes. I never knew that. Oh, yes, always.

It's funny, isn't it? You know a person for a long time and you know absolutely

nothing about their garbage. Oh.

It's true.

Uh,

Georgette?

You said you said hello.

Oh, yes, I did. I said hello.

Did you get my hello back?

No. No?

Oh, wait a minute. She did stop by on her way back, and she said, uh, hello.

Was that you?

Well, I guess I better, uh, take my garbage down. Hey, Mary, listen. There's

something you should know about my garbage.

This isn't it. I took it down two days ago.

Oh? This garbage is...

counterfeit.

I mean, I have $35 worth of makeup in here, and if I throw this away, I will

lose that natural look.

Mary, I was on my way down to talk to you.

Really? Yes, I was.

It's so stupid, hiding behind fake garbage.

I figured if I chickened out when I was on my way to apologize to you, that I

would just, you know... You don't have to explain.

I know, I know.

Mary, I went crazy this week. I know, me too. All week long I kept thinking,

something's wrong, I've got to talk to Rhoda, and then I would remember that it

was you.

Mary, look, let's never, never, never, never, ever, no.

It is no snapping without my best friend, I've got to tell you. I went up

total strangers and said, do you think you'd like me better in a shag?

Do you know that I have been getting close to Ted?

Gee, I know we've made up because I'm hungry.

That lump in my stomach has become air.

Do you want to go out and get something to eat? Yes, I would love it.

Oh, great, great.

Well, five days to catch up.

So what's new?

Oh, well, this week I met a United States senator.

We fell in love.

We got married. Thursday I had two children.

Now we're both married.

Listen, I hate to say this, but I am still hungry.

Well, I got some cottage cheese in the fridge.

Mary, please. Nobody makes up with cottage cheese.

Did you ever watch Father Knows Best?

Yeah. Well, on Father Knows Best, when everybody would make up, Mrs. Knows Best

would bring out milk and cookies.

Do you have any milk and cookies? No.

Ted, hi.

Okay, I'm glad I found you two together.

Mary, sit down on the sofa.

Rhoda, sit down.

Sit down right over there.

Now, I'm going to say this once, and I'm going to say it fast, so you better

listen hard.

Now, Georgette is worried sick about you two.

Today we were having dinner at our favorite out -of -the -way restaurant,

she was so upset about you two, she dropped her tray.

Now, I'm here to see to it that you two stop fighting and get along with the

business of being buddies again.

Okay, Mary, tell Rory you're sorry.

Ted. Tell Rona you're sorry. I'm sorry.

Rona, tell Mary you're sorry. I'm sorry, Mary. I am so sorry. You don't know how

sorry I am. Okay, that's enough sorry.

Now, shake hands. Oh, Ted.

Shake hands, you two.

I feel a little like Kissinger here.

Okay, we made up. Are you happy now? Okay, okay, that's good. Now that

everything's okay, maybe Georgia will start worrying about me now.

Oh, but remember.

I hear that you two are fighting again.

I'm going to come right back down here and straighten you two out.

Well, in a threat like that, I'd say you and I could be friends for a long time.