Original subtitles

Previously, I'm mad about you.

I blame my parents.

This nice man married for Daddy and me. You guys know I'm not really a minister,

right?

No.

Well, okay.

I'm not.

We're... We're not married now.

All right, here's what we'll do. Here's what we'll do. We'll go down to City

Hall. We'll get married. We'll sign our regular thing. And then, bing, bang,

boom, problem solved.

When? When what? When are we getting married?

You, Jamie...

Buckman, take Paul Buckman to be your lawful wedded husband. I don't want to

married.

I ask this question objectively, in earnest, and without bias.

Who do you think was responsible for my parents' breakup?

The one who ran away from the altar and changed her mind three times about

whether or not her partner should have painful private surgery?

Or the other guy?

What? I'm changing my name. It's not Mabel anymore. It's Sonia.

Okay. Um, may I ask why?

Because Mabel's stupid.

I... Listen, Mabel... Sonia.

Pardon me.

Say it.

Sonia. Say it nice. All right, Mabel... It's Sonia.

Thank you.

Why Sonia? Because I like it. Your grandmother thought of Mabel. You know,

an acronym.

A what?

The letters M -A -B -E -L stand for Mothers Always Bring Extra Love.

Well, Sonia's an acronym, too.

It is? For what?

Some other name you asked.

My father had his own way of dealing with my mother. He would keep

certain pieces of information to himself.

Honey, you didn't so much get that second vasectomy, did you?

Why? Because I am remarkably pregnant.

No, I did not.

But I've done so many other things that you did ask me to.

Mabel, sweetheart, boys and girls are different.

They're not so different that they're totally different.

They're the same in that they're both different.

You see, sweetie,

I believe the children are our future.

Touch them well and let them lead the way.

Show them all the beauty they possess inside.

Give them a sense of pride.

My darling.

Let's just get back to this.

So let me ask you this.

Are you going to change your name back to Stemple?

What do you mean?

Well, we're not actually married.

No, sweetie, everything stays exactly the same.

Oh, my God. Go away.

The apartment is not for rent.

Huh? Who's that?

It's your parents. Bart and Sylvia Bartman. Yes, sorry.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, thanks.

Boy, oh, boy, oh, boy. What has it been, seven years now? Seven beautiful years.

That's not nothing.

Let me ask you something.

If we had just been together for the last seven years, but we weren't

married, that would still be not nothing, right?

No, there would be nothing.

Really? Yeah, you'd be like Cousin Elliot and what's -her -name.

What is her name? Exactly. If they were married, we'd all know.

Until you make an official, you're just playing house.

You've got to make a statement. You've got to stand up in front of the whole

world and say, I love this girl.

Then there's a record of it in City Hall, all typed up nice and everything.

Otherwise, you're just kidding around.

I smell a diaper.

Oh, give me. No, no, no. We'll do it. Come on, Bert. You got a little thing

there. Thank you, sweetie. Come on. Come on.

Don't even say it.

What?

They're your parents. We're us. We, don't forget, are very hip. We don't

City Hall. We don't need a piece of paper. We're us.

Hi. Hi. I understand your apartment is for rent?

Oh, you know, sadly, that is a misprint.

Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, is this your wife?

Uh, no, not really. Oh.

See, I found it. Last one in the city, but I found it. One big seat, one little

seat, two kids, one carriage. One big happy family.

It happens.

These things happen.

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's not your fault.

You did everything right.

It just wasn't meant to be.

Turns out I wanted it.

And so, I'm an only child.

So, the manager blames it on my feet. Yeah, that's the problem. The shoes that

you made are fine.

My feet that God made are clearly defective. I don't understand. You can

monkey to Pluto. You can't make a high -heeled sandal that doesn't lacerate my

calf. Fran. I'm sorry.

What? He left me.

What?

Paul. He left me.

Oh, my God.

What happened? When did this happen?

Last night, but I think it's been on its way for a long time.

Why?

Well... What did he say?

He said I'm unkind.

What does that mean?

He said I've changed, and that maybe this way will be better for both of us.

He's in...

Idiot, your husband.

Maybe he's right. I mean, I have changed. How could I not? I was 26 when

We used to be very kind to each other. But then there's the kid, and I'm always

worried about her, and there's just not as much time to be kind. Who has that

kind of time? And then she grows up, and there you are. It's just the two of

you, and nobody even remembers how to be nice. So am I less nice? Sure.

Am I unkind?

Okay. Fine.

You are an idiot.

Wasn't that nice? I'm sorry.

You think I like to say this?

It hurts me to say this. But I'm not going to beat around the bush. You, my

friend, you are a phenomenal idiot.

You know, Mark, if I'm not mistaken, you left Fran once upon a time.

Yes, you're right. I was young.

Look at you. You're old.

You're young.

That's why Social Security starts for you in three hours, because your soul is

gone.

I mean, we always fought, but when the fights were over, we were closer.

By the end, it wasn't even fighting. It was just criticism and complaining and

poking and prodding. Okay.

All I know is I can't always be wrong, you know? Some of what I do must be

right. Who cares? Who cares?

Who cares who's right or wrong?

Who's got the strength to keep track? You just stay married and shut up.

Why?

Why?

Because it's better.

Listen, you know, nobody believed that more than me. Oh, I know. I know. But we

were miserable.

Do you understand that? Jamie and I, we were both miserable. So who are you not

to be miserable?

No. At a certain point, you have to say, okay, who is this for?

I mean, who's winning here?

Nobody. But you love Jamie.

Of course.

Very much.

So?

So I'll be the bad guy. So I'm... I'll... Let me be the one who says, you

what?

Why don't we just let each other live?

Till death do you part. That's what it says. Death. Not a lack of kindness.

The vows are very specific. In other words, you don't leave.

That's the one thing you don't do. You think I haven't felt...

Good, and fed up plenty of times. Believe me, I have. Many, many times.

didn't leave, did I? No. No, I stayed.

Right.

Well, he left.

Good times.

Here's something.

Our dog Murray died when I was six.

So naturally, my parents told me about it when I was 12.

Okay, I've had it with you two.

Uh -oh. Now what?

If one human year equals seven dog years, that would make Murray 210.

So? So, you've lied. That isn't Murray.

Listen, Mabel... Sonia.

Some very special dog... Save it, Ma.

Murray died, didn't he? And you got another dog who looked just like Murray,

didn't you?

I mean, who does such a thing?

Thereafter, my parents promised they'd be straight with me.

Sweetheart, last night, your grandfather,

unexpectedly, and in his sleep, moved to Florida.

Paulie, keep up with the hearse.

Are you grieving or are you driving?

Oh, very nice. Chew my head off. I'm a widow.

Sorry.

You're right.

You know, sometimes in the silence, I can feel his presence.

Couldn't be sorrier.

Hello? I guess it's true what they say. Life goes on.

No, no, no, absolutely not.

Absolutely not.

No, no, no, absolutely not.

What? Hold on.

It's the tenant board. They say we can have the apartment, but now they want

money. Key money?

What is that? It's a bribe, basically.

Honestly, must you do this now? I'm sorry, Ma. It's just that we have a

to get the apartment across the hall from us, but only if we do it today.

What, the Scottish people?

The English people.

Right. Yeah. So, what? Pay them the key money.

Really? Yes, sure.

The wall can come down and you finally have a room for Mabel. What are you

waiting for?

Yes, Temple Tom, yes.

Done. We will get you the check.

Thank you.

So it's ours?

It's ours.

Okay. This is a good day. It really is.

Can you imagine the seal you wash your palm?

You're right. Very inappropriate for a funeral.

It's not that. It's a figure. There's got to be a better fabric.

Oh.

I didn't get potato salad, just coleslaw. Come on.

People love coleslaw. And so, you want me to go get?

And that's why they call it intercourse.

Sexual intercourse. I'm saying.

Sweetheart, do you understand any of this?

I'm on the pill.

Okay, so then you know.

That was the moment my father decided I was growing up too fast.

And so began our Sunday morning, buy the newspaper, buy some bagels, get an

Italian ice, and make fun of perfectly innocent people in the street ritual.

My mother and I also had our rituals.

No! I'm saying yes! No! Yes! No!

Yes!

No! Yes!

My therapist said that the reason I clash with my mother so much is that

so very alike.

No! That statement alone upped me from two sessions to three sessions a week.

My grandfather used to say, out of pain, beauty does come.

He also used to say, plant one right here, tiger puss. You know, so some

were more resonant than others.

And what I did was I took my pain, I poured it into my work, and I waited for

beauty.

Hey, Bob.

Hey, what do you got there, a knife?

She's stabbing Bob.

I'm bleeding a lot.

Well, who wants pie?

We'll see you there. All right, Pauline. Okay.

Want to get some pie?

I don't think so.

Okay.

Well,

it was good to see you.

You too.

Think you and me were supposed to be Bob?

Oh, let's say no.

How's the apartment?

Good.

Did you ever think we'd be these people?

No, I did not.

I just want to say, if I did, um...

in some way that made you feel... No, hey, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't have to.

That's okay.

Okay.

But I do think it's better this way.

Don't you think? I do.

I do, too.

Okay, so you take care of yourself.

You, too. Okay.

Did you just kiss me?

No.

I didn't think so.

Buy me some pie?

And he bought her pie, and he took her home, and he never left.

Yes, it was not my best film.

I see that now.

But it was what I would call a hugely successful screening.

To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses

And bearing that in mind...

I ask all of you who are not my mother to turn around for a second.

Mom, I love you.

Okay, everybody, you can turn back around.

I said at the beginning that I blame my parents, and I do.

I blame them for making me crazy.

I blame them for being so difficult.

But most of all, I blame them for making it impossible for me.

to dismiss the idea that love can actually work out.

Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today.

Actually, we're gathered here almost tomorrow.

Sorry again about the late hour. Yes, we want to keep the same anniversary,

so... Happy to be here, flattered to be asked.

Although, we are moving right along here on midnight, so I should just kind

of... Please, by all means.

Paul, do you take Jamie to be your wife to have and to hold and love and to

cherish till death do you part?

I do.

Jamie, do you take Paul to be your husband to have and to hold and love and

cherish till death do you part?

I do.

Are you sure?

Yes. Well, you know, the last time we talked... I understand.

Well,

you got the rings and the witnesses asleep in the crib and the dog's lost

interest, so I guess we can move right along.

By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife.

And we got seven seconds left, so you can kiss each other squarely on the

Well, I'm out of here.

Okay. There you go. We're all signed up. Here's your certificate right there.

I'm going to leave you my card in case you ever want to get a hold of me. I am

certified public accountant and also a notary public, and I can fix a boat.

Well... Well?

We are married.

Yes, we are.

Old, official, typed up, nice and everything. Yep.

I gotta say, it feels, uh... It feels... What am I trying to say? It feels...

Exactly the same? Very much, yes.

Did we rush him too much? I don't know, maybe we did. Is there actually a couple

of things I would have said if he'd given us a minute or two?

Really? Me too.

Really? Yeah, well, I know you're pretty good now.

I would have been a little more specific.

What would you have said?

I would have said I love you.

Well, that's not so specific.

No, but I really love you.

Oh.

And I would have said I know life is a big, dangerous thing.

You know, it's stronger and smarter and sneakier than us.

But here's what I got.

I will always love you.

So never doubt that, no matter what.

So that's what I would have said.

What would you have said?

I would have said... I would have said that there are millions of things I

but only one thing I really need.

And if you ever decided to leave me, I would go and find you and bring you

because you'd be wrong.

See, now that's a wedding. Yeah.

How do you like being married so far?

I like it very much.

You hungry? Not really. Okay.

Come here.

Thank

you

for a wonderful engagement.

It has been my pleasure.

You turn around.

Then you ask me behind tears of doubt.

Just what do I see in you?

Please don't cry.

I know sometimes the things we barely get by.

But you don't see how much you do.

Oh, to get me.

When the world is cold And I need a friend to

hold You give me love, you give me love, baby And when my hope

is gone And I feel I can't go on You pick me

up, you give me love, you give me love

Oh, baby, I apologize

if I never told you what you are in my eyes.

Oh, baby, let me tell you now.

Every day, the sweet unknowing will be there

in every way.

Now, how can you say that's not enough?

Cause when the world is cold And I need a friend to

hold You give me love, you give me love, baby

Morning sun and midnight fires.

Someone there to share my dreamer with you.

So in case you're interested, here's what happened to everybody.

Ira and Marianne ended up with eight children, one from every continent and

from New Jersey.

Mark and Fran invited an adventuresome Swedish couple into their marriage, and

they've never been happier.

Marvin became an international wrestling champion, fighting under the persona

Angry Tina.

Debbie and Joan got married in Hawaii after it finally became legal for keeps.

Debbie's husband still thinks it's a phase.

And he phones on the first of every month and says, come on.

Dr. Sheila Kleinman became my therapist.

I think she's very good.

My grandma moved to Boca Raton, Florida, but it didn't take.

So then she moved into my parents' building, but two floors down, so as not

intrude.

Aunt Lisa is exactly the same.

Nat Ostertag became the host of the longest -running local cable TV show

entitled... Hey, dare, ho, dare, it's your dog, dare.

Hal and Maggie Conway were found to be spies and were deported back to England.

Nobody there likes them either.

Ursula Buffet, as you know, became governor of New York.

Me?

I'm fine.

And these two, if you'll pardon the expression, lived happily ever after.

You're fine.