Original subtitles

I love you like I do. And tell me who can start my heart as much as you.

Tell me all your secrets.

I'll tell you most of mine.

They say nobody's perfect.

Well, that's really true this time.

I don't have the answers.

I don't have a plan.

All I have is you. So, baby, help me understand. You can whisper in

my ear where we go.

Who knows what happens after here?

Let's take each other's hand and jump into the final frontier.

Final frontier.

Final frontier.

I blame my parents.

I've been engaged four times to three different men, and if you're doing the

math, that's a lot of angry people.

First, there was this guy.

Then there was this guy.

And then there was this guy.

And you remember this gentleman from the first photo.

Leave a guy at the altar once, and it stings.

The second time, apparently highly destructive.

How you like me so far?

Let's begin, shall we, with a story that has become almost folklore in my

family. It was 1999, so I'm one, and it's my parents' anniversary.

So what do you want to do?

I'm totally open. A concert or a theater or maybe a fancy dinner?

What says anniversary?

Certainly not that.

Honey, look up for me, won't you? Is there a hawk or an ostrich of some sort?

Oh, paint, I'm so happy.

Hey, we know you.

Hey.

Hey! Paul and Jamie, right? Yeah, Larry, right?

Lenny. Lenny, right. This is so wild. You know it's our anniversary today. No,

it is not. Yes, it is. Seven years ago today. That is deeply ironic.

Oh, come here. Look what we did.

Look.

This nice man married for Daddy and me.

Hello, small pretty person. Lenny, I tell you, your wedding was so special to

us. Just this secret little ceremony. It really was. You're probably confused,

but Lenny is also an ordained minister.

Now, Mabel, you know better than to believe that, don't you? What do you

You guys know I'm not really a minister, right?

No.

Well, okay.

I'm not.

How can that be? You said you were.

Yeah.

Yes, but... Okay.

At the official ceremony, we thought we were already married by you. We didn't

even fill out the paperwork for that one. Didn't even fill out... You know

we wrote on the certificate?

Lois Lane marries Humpty Dumpty.

Funny. Funny, not the point, really.

We're... We're not married now.

Sorry. But you've invalidated our entire marriage now.

Sorry.

You've made our daughter illegitimate now.

Sorry.

So.

I'm the bastard child of idiot parents.

My therapist tells me, yes, I'm in therapy, but in my parents' defense,

sought help.

A lot of help.

Paul and Jamie, I don't know if you've been keeping track, but this is your 1

,000th therapy session. Is that true?

Yes, it is.

Dear God.

Wow. 1 ,000?

Wow, so that's...

That's like... Ten glorious years.

No, no, I know, but... $116 ,000.

Dear God.

But I digress.

How can we not be married?

Yuck!

Our entire marriage is a lie.

It's not a lie. Yes, it is. For the last seven years, we have not been what we

thought we were. Our whole universe is based on a false foundation. Doesn't

bother you?

Oh, man.

What? I asked for onions. They gave me sprouts.

When I tell someone my husband will be back at six, it's a lie.

I'll be back at six. Yes, but you're not my husband.

All right, good. So stop yelling at me, then.

We'll take it.

I'm sorry? Your apartment. It's listed for rent.

What? This is our apartment, but it's a mistake.

Oh. So you're not leaving?

No. You're staying? Uh -huh. Yes.

Good, then.

Yes, well, what a relief.

Right then.

Come, Hal.

Yes.

See you in the halls.

Nice, huh?

Honey.

All right, here's what we'll do. Here's what we'll do. We'll go down to City

Hall, we'll get married, we'll sign our regular thing, and then bing, bang,

boom, problem solved. When?

When what?

When are we getting married?

Whenever you want.

Thursday afternoon, Friday in the morning, I'm good? No, it has to be

Why? Because today's our anniversary.

I want to keep the same anniversary.

All right, so let's go.

Ask me.

All right.

Can we go?

Ask me to marry you.

Oh.

Will you marry me?

These are the people that prepared me to go out into the world.

You see, Mabel,

Sweetheart, boys and girls are different.

Girls have... Boys have...

Boys and girls... Honey?

See, Mabel, when a man loves a woman, he can't keep his

mind on nothing else.

He'd trade the world...

For the good thing he's found.

If she's bad, he can't see it.

She can do no wrong. Honey?

Let us get back to you.

My parents actually did a great deal of family planning.

So let me get this straight. They cut his peepee? No, not the peepee. Inside

peepee. Way inside. Oh, good. It's not that bad. The doctor said that within 36

hours of the vasectomy, he'll have total sensation in his groin again. Is this

something?

Poor Paul's pee -pee.

It's really inside.

Oh, God. Look, we gave this a lot of thought, and I decided that one kid is

enough. More than enough.

Thank you.

I mean, where is it written that every child must have a sibling?

Well, where would you be?

What? I mean, if Mom and Dad stopped with me, there wouldn't be you.

And I wouldn't have had a little sister to play with and dress up and magic

marker the walls with. And no matter what happens, always be my friend and

me.

You know, the procedure is reversible.

What's the

matter?

I think we made a mistake.

Where?

My mother the handful.

You sure we need to go halfway to the end of Long Island to do this? The

the town, the shorter the line.

Next, please. See?

Hello. Hi, how are you? Just fine, thank you.

We'd like to get married. Oh, wonderful. Come to the right spot.

Yes, sir.

Hello, hi, how are you? Hello. Is this the lucky lady?

This is her.

Wonderful, isn't it?

Okay, well, looks like you're all set here.

Oh, we have the same last name.

Yes, but they're pronounced differently.

Buckman and Buckman.

Yeah, so it's subtle, but it's there. It's there. It is, isn't it? Yes.

Isn't that wonderful?

What I'm going to need from you now is $10, American.

You got it.

Sounds like a reasonable thing. Oh, you know what? I don't even know if I have a

chance.

What would you say?

$7 .52. How do you leave the house? You were supposed to go to the bank for me.

No, I wasn't. Yes, you did. No, never.

Yes, you did. No, I didn't. Boy, this marriage thing is going to be a piece of

cake for you to it.

Okay, well, now why don't you just take this, and you're going to go right into

the chapel here, and the justice of the peace is going to take you the rest of

the way. Thank you so much. God bless you.

He's a nice guy, huh?

I miss him.

Fine, thank you.

Well, this is Phyllis.

Hello. She throws a rice.

25 cents one throw, 40 cents two.

Okay, well, why don't we get right on it? Now, here's what... Oh, don't you

to walk down the aisle?

Okay.

Just go right back.

There you go, right there. That's good. Okay, and you, sir, right over here.

Right here. Fine. Got it. Hey, heads up. Oh, there you go.

Now, with the music.

Come forward. Okay.

Dearly beloved, we're gathered here today to marry this man and this woman.

Is there anybody present who might object to this union?

Phil? I'm good.

Good.

Do you, Paul... Buckman? Uh -huh. Buckman. Oh, you're the Buckman. Paul

Take Jamie Walkman to be your lawful wedded wife, to have

and to hold through sickness and in health till death do you part.

Yes, I absolutely do. Wonderful.

Do you, Jamie Walkman, take Paul...

Buckman, to be your lawful -witted husband, to have and to hold, to love

cherish, through sickness and in health, till death do you part.

Little louder.

We're going to need you to speak up a little, sweetie.

Don't fool around now.

I don't want to get married.

Little early on the rice there, fellas.

And so apparently...

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

You wanted to get married. I know, but then I was standing at the altar and it

hit me. What we have is pretty good, right? I don't want to screw it up.

Exactly. So all I'm saying is let's make everything the way we always thought it

was anyway.

But the way it was was we were not married.

Of course we were married. It just wasn't labeled right.

It's like if you order chocolate.

And then it comes, and you eat it, and you love it. But then, afterwards, the

waiter says, Oh, I'm sorry, my mistake. That wasn't chocolate. That was root

beer.

Do you come back the next time and ask for root beer? Yeah.

Well, it's the opposite with this.

Hi, I'm Ursula. I will not be your waitress today.

What? What?

Yeah, my name is Ursula.

Yes, we know that. Good with that. Okay, and I will not be your waitress today.

Yeah, usually I am, but today I'm not.

That's why I wanted to come over to say that I'm not your waitress today.

And that my name is Ursula.

So that you wouldn't be confused.

Okay. Thank you.

Great. Can I take your order?

I bet you're not our waitress.

Okay. Do you know what you want?

Um, well... Oh, guess what else?

I'm running for employee of the month, so make sure that you vote for me, all

right? That's an election type of thing? The employee of the month? No, no. The

boss just picks who he likes.

Want to hear my slogan? Yes, please. Sure.

Ursula, Ursula, she's our man. If she's not Employee of the Month, nobody can.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Have you ever heard the expression, intelligence is the ability to change

mind?

No, you have not. And you have not heard that because it's not actually an

expression. It's just something my mother used to say. But she would say

was, in fact, an expression.

But it's not.

Paul is being really great about this. I'll say.

I mean, I probably pushed him into the vasectomy to begin with. Yeah, probably.

I think on some level he was relieved when I suggested we have it reversed.

What did they do? They just glue it back on?

Way inside.

And now maybe we'll have a little brother or sister and she'll help them

the schoolyard and she'll give them her hand -me -downs. This is going to be

good. Well, I guess for her.

What? But what about for you?

Goodbye freedom, goodbye hips, and goodbye career. You know, I actually

that 87 % of all mothers with two or more kids never return back to the

workplace. They just end up feeling broken and hollow and sad.

Hi, sweetie.

Thank you.

Thank you.

you say to her?

Stop bringing her to my vasectomies.

Fortunately, some of us gave much less thought to having children.

Okay, now you can bring out the first guest.

Okay, thank you, Mabel.

Well, welcome back to the show, ladies and gentlemen.

My poncho, poncho, you're not on yet. Jigs, please.

My first guest tonight is Border Collie, Collie Mix.

He's the strapping little son of Murray.

and his charming bride, Clarabelle.

He's five and a half weeks old, recently weaned. He enjoys sleeping, chasing his

tail around, and being colorblind.

Won't you please give a warm welcome to Crackers.

Come on, Crackers.

Come on, Crackers. There he is.

Hello, Mr. Crackers.

Not yet, Poncho. I told you, you're not on yet.

Crackers.

Okay, next guest.

Very quick for Crackers, but okay.

There he goes, my next guest, ladies and gentlemen.

Interestingly enough, also a border collie collie mix. Also five and a half

weeks old.

Let's see.

Oh, interesting.

He's a breech birth.

He enjoys eating garbage and then regurgitating same -sex garbage.

Strange but true.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, please, Rusty.

We're looking for Rusty.

Come on, Rusty.

There he is. There's the Russ.

Whoa.

We were saving ads for our special anniversary show.

Hey, Paulie. Hey, Marvin.

What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be getting your second vasectomy right

about now?

There's nothing I tell you, Private.

It's been following the whole story.

It kills me.

First she gets you to do it. Then two months later she gets you to undo it.

now... She's getting you to do it again.

To me, it's very entertaining.

Regrettably, I've learned that little traumatic events can help lead to big

traumatic events.

Oh, look, there it is. A film by Mabel Buckman. What kind of title is that,

Stabbing Bob?

She's angry.

Really? All right, we should save two seats together because Mabel really

Paul and Jamie to sit next to each other. I know.

Do they both know the other one's going to be here? Yeah, they're going to be

mature. Hey, here they are.

Look at your Aunt Deb and Aunt Joan.

You know what, O?

Come kiss your aunties. Shania, you sit there. Beavis, you sit in front of me.

Oh, damn it. Give me the pacifier.

You don't care.

Listen, why don't you come sit with me, actually?

You know what?

We should save these two seats for Paul and James, you know? Already done.

Oh, well, good.

No harm in trying, right?

Right. Hey, hey, hey, hey. What are you eating?

What's the matter? He's eating popcorn from the 5 o 'clock show.

Oh, eat them alone.

Hey. My daughter made a movie.

Oh, nice jacket.

Yeah, thank you.

Hi, sweetie.

Why don't you come sit there? Let's see. Oh, here. Good, good. Hey, babies.

Say no. I'm going to say no.

Hey, there.

Thank God I'm not late. Not at all. Oh, it's the mother of the filmmaker.

Hey, James.

Hi, Jamie.

Hey, Shania.

Hello, everybody. Sit here.

Okie dokie.

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

How are you doing?

Good. How are you doing? Good.

Good.

Okay. There it is. Okay.

Ma is handing out little American flags in just shoot me in half an hour or so.

Bless her.

Becker's next though on the Doc's pride over his published article is slightly

marred by the horrific photograph printed beside it.