Original subtitles

God, Murray.

Oh.

All right, I owe you one.

Tell me why I love you like I do.

Tell me who.

Can start my heart as much as you.

Let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier.

I'm mad about you, baby.

Yeah!

I had the wildest dream last night. I was in this old library, and who's

standing there? Albert Einstein.

How did you know it was Albert Einstein?

Because he said, hi, I'm Albert Einstein. Oh.

And then he told me this complicated mathematical formula, and then...

It's funny, like he took a bite of a chicken salad sandwich, and then he

started, he was like tugging at the seat of his pants.

Einstein had a wedgie? Couldn't believe it.

Then what happened?

Then I woke up and I tried to write down the formula.

And this is it?

This is most of it. I can't remember the whole thing.

Well, sweetie, don't be too hard on yourself. You were sleeping.

I know, but I remember the chicken salad so vividly.

Let's be honest, it may actually not be a real formula.

Well, as a matter of fact, there's some really...

Very interesting things going on in the denominators. As you would know because

of your extensive background in mathematics.

Hey, I was in Mu Alpha Theta. I'm sorry?

Math Honor Society. Mu Alpha Theta. So named because the Greek letters Mu,

Alpha, and Theta together?

Math.

Math Honor Society?

Why didn't you ever tell me that? Well, sweetie, you know, that's not the kind

of thing you want to tell a woman until, like, year seven.

Oh, no.

What's the matter? No! Oh, my God!

What happened? I can't believe it. What happened?

Oh, my God.

I'm asking what happened.

Tell me you didn't take this to Zippy Cleaners. I... What's the difference?

They're dry cleaners. They're all the same. But Zippy's, they got that bowl of

candy right on the counter there. You bring a 300... $200 dress to an

incompetent because he gives you candy?

He's a butcher that beat cleaners. You know what? We'll go back. We'll talk to

him, and I'm sure he'll fix it. All right? And then on the way out, we'll

some of those candies. I'm telling you, they're so good, you just want to chew

them right up. Paul. But the dress, that's the tragedy.

That's a great day.

Yes, it is.

I think you're sort of responsible for that bleach stain. Well, forgive me, but

we don't use bleach in our cleaning process.

That's the old days. We're very modern here.

Look at us. Yes, you are. You are very modern.

And again, forgive me, but there was no bleach stain when my husband sort of

tragically brought the dress in here.

Yet there was a mighty bleach stain when he picked it up. You, forgive me, but

you picked up the dress. I did, yes, I did. Forgive me, but I must ask you, is

it possible?

that the dress acquired the bleach stain after you left here.

No, that would have required some interaction with bleach, of which I had

Did you?

Again, forgive me.

But did you inspect the dress before you left here? Did I inspect?

Not as such, no. I just simply trusted that the dry cleaning process had

successfully been completed. So therefore, and again...

Forgive me.

But it is possible.

I... You know, technically, I... Honey, I was doing just fine here. I didn't

inspect the dress. What goes on in there? Nothing. Nothing goes on in

I'm terribly sorry to ask, sir, but would you mind reimbursing us for the

I... Forgive me. I can't do that, but please have a candy.

Oh, thank you. No, no candy. Are you sure?

Take one. Take one from me. No candy. Thank you.

Okay, well, forgive me, but... Next!

Forgive me.

So what do you think, Hal?

What?

Aha! What?

Ooh! What?

It's astonishing, really.

Yes. What?

You have dreamt what appears to be a partial solution to the millennium bug.

The millennium? What, when the computers are supposed to stop working? Yes. You

see, computers denote a year using only the last two digits. As far as they

know, a year only begins with 19.

Idiots. So when they see the 00 in 2000, they're going to think it's 1900.

Wow. So then what?

Credit cards won't function.

Satellites will plunge to the earth. No internet, no television, no fax

machines, not even phones.

Governments will crumble. There'll be rioting in the streets.

Will alarm clocks still work?

Yes, but you'll be waking up to absolute chaos. Oh, sure.

What is such a bunch of hooey? It's a very real danger, actually. It's a

paranoid delusion. The millennium will come, we'll have a donut, watch a

and there'll be that.

You're right, of course.

Poor girl. What are you going to do?

You know, your expertise in this area comes as somewhat of a surprise. Ah,

listen, I was in a math honor society in college.

Not mu alpha theta.

You've heard of it?

Oxford chapter, thank you very much. No!

Greetings,

math brother.

Felicitations, math brother.

I can't believe you ever had a girlfriend.

You know, I'm really intrigued with your use of logarithms. Oh, what are you

kidding? Logarithms, that was my best thing. All right, all right, tell me

you think of it.

Dear Zippy Cleaners, I write to convey my deep -dip pleasure at the ruination

my $300 Shelley Siegel cocktail dress. The limit of x squared over 4 equals 7.

Yes, yes, yes.

Hello, math brothers.

So I'm thinking maybe I'll call it the Paul formula, you know, or the PB

solution. You know, keep it simple. Or maybe Buckman's last theorem. You know,

something dynamic.

How about Buckman's boring, pointless dream about nothing?

Jamie. To me, the big question is, how will history view it? You know, I mean,

where will I fit in on the continuum of great thinkers?

You know, will I be penalized for actually not technically having been

You know, or maybe will that add luster?

You know, maybe.

I guess what I'm saying is, will I be Isaac Newton or some guy who just

sleep?

Jamie, what are you doing? I don't see why his millennium bug is more important

than my dry cleaning.

We're on Paul now. Fine. Will you please at least tell him the Millennium Bug is

just a big hype? What, are you kidding?

Jamie, the Millennium Bug scares the living crap out of me. All of my patient

files could be destroyed. And that's just in my little world.

Out on the streets? My God.

Famine, pestilence, Russians, fire, and probably rabies.

You know the guy who lives under the Williamsburg Bridge? He's coming for us.

Excuse me just one second. Hello?

Yes, she's here. It's Chicken Little for you.

You're going to be one sorry sister, sister, if when the year 2000 rolls

you don't have 600 gallons of water, a solar generator, and a ham radio. Okay.

And don't come crying to me for gold bullion, because Mama's not giving you

I won't. Paul, we've got to get the rest of that formula out of you. Let's say

for one second that everything you fear is true. You really think he dreamt up

the solution?

Jamie, the subconscious can be a very powerful tool. That's right, honey.

Besides which, I always figured Paul had to be a little smarter than he seems.

Thank you.

My recommendation would be that we try to recreate the Einstein dream.

Well, how do we do that? Well, as best you can, you need to replicate the

of last night.

So you're thinking similar thoughts when you go to sleep.

Right, right. Now, based on the importance of the subject matter, I'd

come to your home to facilitate and observe.

At no extra charge, by the way. Really? You're coming to our home? No extra

charge.

I really think it'll help. Well, let's do it, yeah.

Great! Good, good, good. Good. Oh, gosh.

Jamie, you had something? Oh, never mind.

I'm sorry, but I can't replace the dress.

I'm sorry, but I'm very upset about that. I know. I'm sorry.

Perhaps there's some other way I could make restitution.

What kind of restitution?

Well, forgive me, but how about free dry cleaning?

Well, I beg your pardon.

But unlimited free dry cleaning? Well, yes, unlimited.

But forgive me, offer ends Tuesday.

Forgive me, but today's Monday.

I'm sorry, but you are correct.

So in other words, and forgive me, you're offering us unlimited free dry

cleaning for the next 24 hours?

Forgive me, but yes.

Take off your jacket.

It's clean. And your sweater. Let's go.

And you had the same meal yesterday?

Yes, we did.

Good, good.

What? Nothing.

Love salmon.

Oh, God, forgive us. Would you like to join us?

No, no, no, I'm good. Are you sure? Because... No, no, no, good, good, good.

we have to replicate last night exactly or you're much less likely to have the

same dream.

Okay. Okay.

It's fine.

Mrs.

Peterson went long, so I didn't get to eat.

She's a psycho, that one.

I swear to God, one day she is going to kill her husband and there's not a damn

thing anyone can do about it.

Now that sucker better quit drinking and stop dressing up in women's underwear

and get the hell out of there.

Greetings, math brother.

Felicitations, math brother.

What the hell is that?

Hal, this is Sheila. Sheila, this is Hal.

Hello.

Any progress?

No, well, we're still very early in the reenactment. All right. This is all so

exciting. I've got my colleagues in the math department waiting on tenterhooks.

Oh, boy, okay.

Ooh, is that salmon?

None left.

Actually, yes, there is. Would you like to stay for dinner? Would I?

I love my Margaret, but her cooking is runny, tasteless and beige.

Was he here last night?

No. He may upset the reenactment.

Really? Aren't you worried your being here might upset the reenactment?

Don't hog the potatoes.

Sheila, is everything okay?

Uh -huh.

What's prednisone?

It's for Murray.

Uh -oh.

Sweetie, where are all my clothes?

Zippy cleaners. Anything I can do for you, math brother? Stay close, math

brother. Honey, you gave all my clothes to Zippy? I saved you overalls and a

vest. Great.

Then I could go to a black tie hoedown.

You're out of conditioner.

I'm sorry, are you staying over?

Well, sure, you may not be dreaming for hours yet.

Okay.

Why don't you give me a rundown of what you did last night after dinner? Okay, I

got it all set up. First, we sat here and we watched the rest of the crimes of

Leon Goblozic.

It's a Czechoslovakian action film. It's bleak, but it's pulse -pounding.

Then we watched that, and then Jamie and I had a fight, and then we went to bed.

Good. He was chewing so loudly, I couldn't hear the movie.

I wasn't chewing that loud.

Why don't you reenact that? Okay.

What are you doing?

I'm eating potatoes.

That is not how you were chewing last night. Sure it isn't.

You were hurting those chips last night.

I was not.

He doesn't want to chew in front of you. Paul, are you chewing falsely?

No, not at all. So falsely. Ah, come on. This is exactly what I was doing. Paul,

chew louder.

Okay.

And begin fighting.

Paul? Yes, dear?

You're chewing so loudly, I can't hear the movie.

Honey, it's subtitled.

I can't even hear the sporadic musket fire.

Okay, this isn't working for me. What?

You're just phoning it in. I'm not phoning it in. Are you phoning it in,

No. I'm phoning it in. Yes, you are. Okay, okay, okay. Let's just try again.

Okay.

Call two, please.

Jamie, insult him, please.

you eating? A car?

Come on, you can do better than that.

What are you eating? A car?

Goat boy?

Excellent. Do you know what I wanted tonight, Paul? I wanted a nice, quiet

wrapped in your arms watching a movie. Instead, I have to reenact some previous

dismal evening and listen to you chew like a camel. You wasted my night.

You ruined my dress, and you are far too absorbed with that stupid, meaningless

dream. There is something in you, Paul. You are the most generous person in the

world, but deep down, there's just you in the universe, isn't there? And if

yours is a world that only has room for one, if saving society means preserving

your right to make that kind of racket when you feed yourself, then I say let

the Millennium Bug destroy us all.

And then after the fight, we went to sleep.

And Mr. Einstein?

What's happening? Shh, this is it. My God.

Now, what'll it be today?

Number three clippers on the sides and in the back. A little longer on top,

tapered, and short sideburns. Any gel today?

No gel. Okay.

Oh, for Pete's sake.

Wake up. What happened?

What happened? You were dreaming.

I was, yes.

Oh, yeah.

I saw him again. I saw Einstein.

I saw him, but we weren't in a library. We were in like a...

A beauty parlor thing. And I was a woman named Claire.

Really? Yeah.

I had marvelous breasts.

You know, Paul, you may not be dream reenactment material.

Well, great. So what do we do now?

Well, there's really nothing we can do.

Except I once took a seminar in regression therapy.

You know, the patient is taken back in time to relive a certain moment.

In this case, your dream.

And you know how to do that?

I'm a couple of credits shy of a certificate, but I can give it a whack.

safe? Sure.

Well, let's do it.

No,

it's just okay.

Regress me, regress me. All right.

Okay, well, Paul, sit down and relax.

Okay. Okay, good.

Jamie, I need something for Paul to hold in his hand.

Paul, hold the teddy bear in your hand. All right, sir.

Now extend your arm out in front of you. Okay. And do not let the teddy bear

drop. Okay.

All right, I'm going to count back from ten. And as I get closer to one, you

will feel more and more relaxed.

Okay? Ten, nine, eight.

Remember to hold on to the teddy bear. I'm good with the bear.

Seven, six, five. Don't let it drop.

Four, three.

That is amazing.

Okay. Well, uh, okay.

Now, uh, Paul, we are going back in time.

You are working on a mathematical formula.

Can you remember that time?

Yes. Good.

Uh, go there, Paul.

Uh, find yourself there.

What's happening?

Solving for x gives us the variable... Ow!

Ow! That hurt.

Ow! Ow!

What's happening? I don't know. Ow! You know, I'm going to Mr. Palmer, and when

he finds out, you're going to get detention, you big jerkwater jerk from

Jerkville.

He's back in high school.

I must have regressed him too far.

What? It happens.

Ow!

Ow! Sorry. Hit him back.

Okay, Doc, it's this tooth right here.

Oh,

by the way, Jamie, before we move out of Paul's formative years, would you like

me to change anything about Paul to make him a little more to your liking in

later life?

Oh, really? Hey, we're here.

Never mind, he's perfect.

All right, Paul, we are now moving forward in time.

Talk to me as you retrace your life. Boy, that horse shack, he really cracks

up.

What's that, a dodge dart?

Cool.

Hi.

What's your major?

Come back.

Service department, please.

Yes, I'll hold.

What kind of life is that?

Paul, you're moving forward into your dream last night.

You're in the library with Albert Einstein.

Hi, Mr. Einstein.

Nice to see you.

That's a great -looking sandwich. What is that, chicken salad? Don't dwell on

the sandwich. Get to the formula.

Specifically, the second part.

Mr. Einstein, I was wondering about the formula.

Especially the second part.

X squared plus seven.

Here, Paul.

Uh -huh. X squared plus seven.

And then... Oh, cosine. Oh, okay.

Uh -huh.

Square. Okay.

Uh -huh.

Okay. Uh -huh.

Got it.

Mm -hmm.

Okay.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Got it.

Thank you very much, Mr. Einstein.

Okay, you can wake up now, Paul. Mr. Einstein, are you going to eat your

Thanks.

You hear that? Like a goat.

All right, Paul, you can wake up now.

Wake up, Paul.

Wake up, Paul.

I'm up. What happened? Did we get it? We got it. Yeah? We got it. The second

half of the formula. Now, all we have to do is combine it with the first part.

Quick, get to my jacket pocket.

Forgive me, but the clothes are not ready yet.

Forgive me, but when?

In autumn, forgive me. Or maybe never forgive me. By the time your clothes are

ready, they will have gone out of style. Forgive me. That's enough candy.

Forgive me.

Forgive me. No, you forgive me.

You accused me of a bleach crime I did not commit. You take grotesque advantage

of my very fair offer, and then you rush me? All right, all right, all right,

all right. Now, calm down. Listen.

What would you say if I told you that in exchange for my jacket, I can reprogram

your computer? You can be free of the Millennium Bug.

The Millennium Bug?

That's right.

You can do something about that?

That is a marvelous job.

I know I speak for all my colleagues when I say absolutely fantastic.

And this is all hooked up to the Internet, right? Yes, through your modem

In a few minutes, every computer in the world will be free of the Millennium

Bug.

Okay, folks, there it is. We are all set.

All I have to do now is just hit that one return key.

It's an honor to be a part of this moment.

Get ready to take your place alongside the other giants of humanity.

Here, here, sweetie. I'm sorry I doubted you. I'm so proud.

Thank you, sweetie. Thank you. And thank you, Mr. Einstein, wherever you are,

for allowing me to be the humble messenger of your brilliance.

All right?

Okay. Here goes.

Well,

that can't be good.

I may have made a big boo -boo here.