Original subtitles

You know what? You're right. We still got it. Yeah.

And ever since he was attacked by the puma, Murray has not been the same.

Yeah, well, those puma attacks are tough to put behind you. He's jumpy and

irritable. He cowers at any sign of a cat.

He can't even walk past a library anymore.

The big cats, the two big and... Never mind.

It's a real problem.

Yeah, so what we've done is...

We've entered Murray in a dog show. We're hoping if he does well, it'll be

therapy for him. It'll help rebuild his self -esteem.

Right, right. You know, show him that he still has value as a dog.

Despite the fact that he was beaten up by essentially a kitten. What do you

think? Well, I think worries over your dog's psyche should be the worst of your

problems.

Don't minimize this.

Jamie, there's something I want to tell you. It's a good thing.

It's something I've been thinking about telling you for a few weeks now.

It's something I can't say to all my patients.

What is that? What?

You're cured.

Your therapy is over. It has been successful, but now it's at an end.

I'm always going to be here for you, but we don't have to meet anymore.

Congratulations.

What the hell are you talking about?

I didn't even read that.

Listen, when you first came to see me, there were some chinks in your armor. No

question. Some bumps here and there.

Hello? Huge bumps.

Yes, but now you're in a good, healthy place.

You're well equipped to deal with what life throws at you.

And so it's time for me to send you off into the world so you can spread your

wings of sanity and fly across the great happy plains of the well -adjusted.

What the hell are you talking about?

You're healthy enough.

Healthy enough?

Jamie. It's that we're boring, isn't it? Fly, little birdie. Fly away.

Is it that I don't cry enough? Oh, honey, I don't... Because I can cry,

I can cry a lot. Oh, like Mandy Patinkin.

Now listen, Jamie, I can understand what you're feeling. It's natural for people

to have some trepidation when therapy ends. But I urge you to stay calm and

resist the panic reflex.

Okay.

I'm not leaving.

I'm glad we're cured.

We are not cured. You especially are not cured.

What does that mean? See? What does that mean? Paul, Jamie, this is ridiculous.

We are not healthy enough.

Don't you take any pride in your product?

People are going to meet us, and they're going to say, who's your therapist? And

we're going to tell them. You don't want that.

Jamie, Paul, it's with a bittersweet heart that I bid you a fond farewell.

Wow. Okay. Well, you know what, Sheila? Thank you very much. What does it mean,

healthy enough?

She's saying we're healthy enough. I always thought leaving therapy would be

process. It is. Goodbye.

Okay, listen, best of luck to you. The only thing is that like a gradual kind

of... Other places, not here.

That they'd ease you off into some kind of awareness. All right, I'm going to

walk away. Thanks.

Why do you see this as a bad thing?

What are we going to do without therapy?

We'll be saving money, and we'll have an extra hour to... to do something that

takes about an hour.

And, by the way, we're also not crazy anymore, which to me, that's a big plus.

You are really going to believe that woman's psychological assessment of us?

She's her therapist.

So?

Honey, it's all relative. You know, look, you're certainly saner than this

Because we're dressed and we don't smell like shrimp salad.

I'm just sorry that as problems arise, we aren't going to be able to deal with

them without Sheila. What if there were no problems?

We'll think of something.

Do you hear yourself? You know what I'm saying.

Whatever problems arise, we will deal with like the pillars of mental health

that we are. Chef.

Halt.

I'm sorry?

Are you aware that you crossed the street in the middle of the block? Oh, I

guess so, yeah. I'm afraid I have to give you a ticket.

You're kidding.

Yes, it's a big prank. Your name, please?

May I have your name, please?

You may not.

Excuse me?

It's okay, officer, honey. It's okay. No, it's not okay.

It's insane. This is New York.

People shooting.

for a chicken sandwich. Fires are burning in the streets. You're giving us

jaywalking ticket?

Can I have your name, please? Yes, yes. My name is Tara Rains in this city. I am

Mrs. Tara Rains in this city. Is there no better use of your time?

My name is Mrs. Is there no better use of your time? That is my name.

Officer, you'll have to excuse Mrs. Time.

We've been trying to... Your name, please. No!

I'm going to give you one more chance to peaceably accept this justice that is

being meted out to you. Otherwise, all units in the vicinity, 211 in progress.

211 is now in progress. A 211 that you could have prevented had you not been

hunting down renegade jaywalkers. This 211 is on your head.

Lipsky, Roger, wait here.

Yes, sir. Come on.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

I'm actually going to stand here and wait for her to come back and give you a

jaywalking ticket.

That's what a healthy, mentally well -adjusted person would do, yes. Okay,

alone is proof that you need to stay in therapy.

What are you doing? Are you going to flee?

She never even got her name. She has no idea who we are.

I'm not comfortable on the lam.

You know what I mean? I like to be off the lam. I do a little better off the

lam, maybe a little bit to the left of the lam.

You know what? You stay here. Wait for the nice lady. I'm leaving. You're not

going. You can't go.

Sweetie, you can't go.

what you got. This morning we're going to plant ourselves and we're going to

just leap.

Right through here we're going to just leap.

Just think about the possibility of just leaping.

Stick the landing.

Stick it.

Looking good there, Nat. You sure this dog show is such a fabulous idea? I

Murray's going to be required to negotiate all these obstacles here. You

maybe he's right. We should pull Murray out of the show. I mean, it's all these

fancy people, and I've got to get a blazer. Absolutely not. Nat, this dog

is Murray's therapy, unless you think he's cured, too.

Don't hold her like that. Why not? Because it pinches her. You're pinching

Sure, that would say cured instead of being a kid of a kitty cat Murray. We

could we could weave Hey, you want to weave this week?

We think about starting a weeding process here I think you can make things

for Murray if he doesn't perform well, you know, he's gonna get into some kind

of huge cane How

do you know they're not looking for you think you're

cured Hey Billy Joe

Are you okay?

Yeah, he's my husband.

Oh, yeah, I've been there.

A big star like that?

What's he doing in the park?

We proudly claim... He's going to be the star of the dog show. He will rise to

the occasion.

I want to believe, but... He is staying in the dog show, Paul.

Somebody in this family deserves a fighting chance at mental health. You

for centuries there was no such thing as therapy. People, they did just fine.

The truth is there's something I wanted to bring up in therapy next week.

What? I don't want to tell you now. I want to tell you in therapy next week.

Well, there is no therapy next week. No, there isn't, is there?

So maybe you should just tell me now.

I don't want to talk about it now.

Why not? Because I don't. Well, whatever it is, we'll just deal with it. It'll

be easy. Just blurt it out. I don't want to blurt it out. Blurt it out. It's not

the kind of thing you just blurt out.

Blurt it out. I want you to get a vasectomy. Didn't see that one coming.

I've given it a lot of thought. I want to get off the pill. I get bloated. My

breasts are tender.

Me and Marie can head over to Teeter Tatter, which is over there.

I want to find a different form of birth control.

And that's the only possible option that you could imagine is some guy slices my

urethra. It's not your urethra. Whatever it is, it's not good. It's not that big

a deal. Honey, when somebody shaves your groin, that's a big deal.

Okay? And by the way, if I give it a second, that means we can't have any

children. So...

Oh. Really?

I've been feeling like maybe one is enough.

You couldn't squeeze that into today's session.

Sheila?

Hi, Paul.

What are you doing?

Oh, I just thought I lost something.

Okay.

I need to talk to you.

Here's the thing.

I understand that I'm cured. I really do. But the truth is, and I think we

know this, I was never exactly the crazy one to begin with.

Hey, I say nothing bad about anybody else, you know, and you don't have to

confirm or deny.

It's just that I see how hard Jamie works in therapy, and I love it for it.

really do. But between you and me, that woman has no business getting off the

couch.

I'll be honest with you, I caught it.

What? I caught a little throat -clearing thing you did. I caught it.

What are you talking about? When you said we're cured, you said, you're

You're cured.

Like, I'm not saying both of you, but you know who you are.

I got it.

You're right. Enough said. Enough said. The point is, my question now is, what

do I do about this poor kid? I mean, two minutes after you tell her she's cured,

she's on the street, she's yelling at the police. And then she's...

fleeing the scene of a traffic violation. Then she lashes out at me. I

to get a vasectomy. And, you know, I don't want to have any more children

you. She's, I mean, she's a big nut now. She's really become quite a nut. And

I'm just concerned that I'm... Are you kidding me?

Okay.

So I need to know what you need to do about this big nut.

Paul, you just finished therapy. This is a time for love.

Patience and positive reinforcement.

Not name -calling and disdain. No disdain. Whatever she says, she's right.

Even about the vasectomy?

Yes. In fact, you should be the one to bring it up again.

Say you've thought about it, and you think it's a wonderful idea.

But I don't. I don't. I think it's a bad, bad, it's a big, it's a big, stinky

idea. No, she's not going to make you get a vasectomy. She just wants to talk

about it.

She just wants to talk about it? Yeah.

Well, all right. You know, hey, listen. Are you sure?

Yes, I'm positive. But if you're wrong, you know, snippy snippy, there goes my

vena cava.

That's not your vena cava. I don't know who it is.

If you think that we should go back into therapy, even just for Jamie's sake,

I'm willing to do that. I really am. No, it isn't necessary, Paul.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Yeah, positive.

All right. So just, I should talk to her and just tell her? Yeah, just talk to

her and tell her you're willing to have a vasectomy. Okay. Okay? Even though, in

fact, I'm not going to really have to do it, but you're saying just let her have

that? Yeah, just give her that. Okay. Okay. Okay, good. This was good. Thank

you. All right. You're welcome. All right, thanks. You're welcome. Thank you

very much. You're very welcome. All right, are you going?

No, I got to, you know.

For God's sakes, let me give you something.

No, no, no.

You know what? Listen, I made you work. Let me compensate you for your time. No,

it's okay, Paul.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

Well, that's very generous of you. All right.

Thank you. You're welcome.

OK. Bye bye. OK.

See you.

Oh, green light.

OK, then.

hate me, my husband laughs at me. Each day, I feel myself slipping away a

more.

I just don't see the point in going on.

Mrs. Peterson, it is very important that you stop saying things like that. It

worries me that perhaps you... I'm so sorry.

Jamie? Oh, my God. I'm just so terribly sorry to interrupt. I know it violates

every rule of therapy etiquette to walk in in the middle of a session, but I am

in a really bad way here. I waited as long as I could. You guys aren't going

be done until 10 of, and by that time, frankly, I'd have jumped out a window.

Oh, I'm sorry.

This is going to take exactly one second, and when you hear what it's

believe me, you'll sympathize. Jamie, I really must ask... Let's be honest.

I may be cured.

I mean, I don't know why I am. You kind of made me forget how tiny I was, but...

Paul, I realize, the poor guy, he's just not making the same kind of progress.

Jamie! I know, I know, I know, it's totally uncool for you to admit to one

member of a couple that she may be farther along than the other, so don't

anything. I'm going to say something to you.

When you told me and Paul that we were cured...

I saw you wink at me. For God's sake. No, no, I didn't say anything at the

but I saw, Sheila.

I saw.

And I knew what you meant.

All right. You were right from the minute we walked out of here. He's been

having these paranoid fantasies that the cops are after us because we blew off

some jaywalking ticket. Can you imagine? And then yesterday we had our first

sort of serious ghost Sheila conversation, and I'll tell you what a

laughs that was.

I gingerly broached the subject of a vasectomy. He flipped out is what he

He lost it. He snapped like an autumn twig.

Can you imagine?

Please, please can we come back, Sheila? Please.

I'll stop stealing the magazines and we'll pay you under the table. Forgive

Mrs. Peterson.

Jamie, coming back is not necessary.

Paul is just experiencing simple separation anxiety.

What you need to do right now is build him up, not tear him down.

So whatever he says, he's right. If he thinks the cops are after him, you'll go

along with it. Act like they are.

Ultimately, they'll see that his terror is groundless and he'll let it go.

Then you two will be able to solve your own problems.

say it was such a conviction.

That's because it's true.

Okay. Okay.

Okay, Sheila. Okay. Look, baby.

I felt... Oh, dear.

Oh, my. Mrs. Peterson.

Put that down. Life is worth living.

Life is essentially a positive experience.

Sheila, you... Have you got her? Because I'm late, so I'm going to... Yeah.

Good afternoon, dog blogger.

Please direct your attention to the cockpit for the North American Kennel

mixed -breed competition.

And now at the starting line, Shirley.

Wow.

Shirley's incredible, huh? Uh -huh.

You got nothing, Shirley. No stick.

You don't even know who your father is.

You don't yell at a dog like that.

It's a sporting event. They'd say the same thing to Jack Nicklaus.

Shirley!

Shirley's time, 36 .2 blistering seconds. And now, Bucky.

Yo, Bucky, you suck!

If you have a sign that says John 316, I want it now.

Paul, you bring up the vasectomy.

Vasectomy, vasectomy.

Whatever she says, Paul, she's right. She's right. She's right.

Tell her. Tell her. Tell her. Now.

You know what I think?

I think I should get a vasectomy.

Really? Yeah. Yeah. Because, you know, I've been thinking about it, and we

already have a kid. And the pills, it's so unpleasant, you know, having your

head and your breasts bloating and exploding. You don't need that. I should

just, I should snip, snip, right in the aorta. Touch your aorta. Whatever it is.

Jamie, indulge him about the cops. You know what I think? Cops.

The cops are looking for us.

Seriously? Yes.

That's a security guard. He doesn't even have a whistle. The guards could be

lulling us into a false sense of security so the cops can fly in and nail

Yes, look, there's another guard. The place is lousy with them.

You're not just mocking me now, are you?

No. And now...

Jeepers.

Because I tell you something, this is a very real danger.

Who's ducking? Yeah, but the ducking can be part of the mocking. I am ducking

from the bottom of my heart.

You're mocking me. You are mocking me. I am mocking.

You're mocking. You're mocking. Oh, gently.

The littlest bit of mocking. Hardly. It's a little silly, isn't it, the

It's no sillier than a vasectomy.

And now, Euclid.

Correction, Mochus.

Guys, the procedure is reversible.

Oh, yeah. By all means, let's just rely on that.

Oh, we have a beautiful child. Yeah, and I just assumed that you'd want to have

maybe another beautiful child. How many? I don't know. More than one.

Two. Maybe three.

We're up to four.

Four? Really? I'm just picking a noun.

Murray. Come on, Murray. Show them where you live.

Here we go.

Here we go, pal.

Come on.

Please, come on.

Should we hit the old starting line, Murray?

Okay, then.

Here we go.

All right, then.

There we go.

Okay, come here, Murray.

Four children.

Why not 30?

You know, when you use sarcasm...

You tear down. You don't build up. I'm sorry. It's just the sheer absurdity of

the number.

Four. It just went up to five.

What? Keep biting at me, baby.

Six.

I'm dealing with a crazy person. Six kids. Do I hear seven?

How can you put... Eight. Eight kids. I now want eight children. Well, good

luck. Nine. We're going to have nine. You know what? We'll save time. Ten

We're commenced. Please, God. Those Puma attacks are tough to put behind you.

Behind you. Behind you. Here we go. Let's commence.

Puma attacks.

Puma attacks.

Puma attacks.

Commence. We start.

Puma. Puma.

Puma.

Commence.

29 .5 seconds. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your champion, Murray.

Look at

the self

-esteem in his eyes.

I wonder what that's like.

We'll never know.

And you had this whole argument in the middle of a dog show? Uh -huh.

You guys are nuts.

This is what we're saying. That's right.