Original subtitles

Again?

Can stop my heart as much as you.

Let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier.

I'm mad about you, baby.

Oh,

you perfectly little round pancake.

Just a second!

May I not eat a pancake in peace? Okay!

What's the use?

Thank you very much for your patience.

That's awfully nice of you.

What?

What? What are you? What's the matter? Are you depressed?

No, I'm not depressed.

You're wearing a robe.

So? But depressed people wear robes. There are people who just want to eat

pancakes. Pancakes? Hey, get away from the pancakes. I'm very much looking

forward to the first bite.

That's good.

Yeah, I'm sure. No, no, no, no. Taste.

No, it's ruined now. Why?

The first bite.

Pancakes are all about the first bite.

Taste.

Huh?

Huh?

It's all right.

Come on, Paulie, cheer up. Here, how about this?

I will buy you an IHOP.

And what is this?

Symtech Corporation, you don't remember?

You don't recognize his name?

Symtech? Yeah. Symtech?

Wasn't that the tailor and fiddler on the roof?

Your virtual reality investment, you remember?

Are you kidding me?

No, you have been paid back, pal, and then some. Oh, I would say so. Hey, this

is nice going.

This is beautiful.

Isn't it? This is going right into the bank.

Oh, that's good.

That's prudent.

That's wise.

How would you like to make ten times that in the next five years? You know,

had the time, I would, but I don't.

All right, forget about it. It's not like I was not spot on right the first

time, correct?

But never mind. You know what? You keep your money, and when this other thing

turns huge, I will be retired for the rest of my life, and you, my friend,

be in your robe trying to explain to Mabel why she cannot go to camp. Fine.

I... Ooh, pancakes. Who made those?

The pancake fairy.

That guy from the Food Channel?

I made pancakes.

Oh, man.

What? What is with you people?

What? He thinks we're depressed because we wear robes. Are we depressed?

No.

We're not thrilled, but we're not depressed.

So, Ira, how's Melissa?

Oh, man, she is so good. Melissa? I know not of Melissa.

New girlfriend.

Really cute, really smart, really fun, really likes me. Yeah? So what's the

catch?

None? No, there's always a catch. Listen, every woman on the earth, no

how great, there's always a catch.

What was my catch?

You had none.

So, James, what do you think of this?

SimTech Corporation.

Our virtual reality investment?

Yes, ma 'am.

Mine like a steel trap.

This is ours?

Yes. Ira, oh, my God, you are a very savvy young man.

Thank you. So what do you think we should do? Take the money and run or

over? Roll it over. Listen to her. Roll it over. What do you think?

What did he ask? What is he, Charles Schwab?

One time, five years ago, he lucked out. He doesn't know. James, thank you for

your confidence in me. You've earned it. This money should go right under our

pillow. Yeah, what's the pillow paying these days? About seven and a half

percent?

Okay, James, check out the latest.

The SimTech Life Predictor. Uh -huh. See, what this is, is a very powerful

computer that predicts the future.

Okay. Right under the pillow this is going. No, no, no. It's all based on

mathematical probability. You just plug in the pertinent information, and it

shows you your future within a very small margin of error.

My God, man. This thing could change the world.

I know. No more famine, because we'll see it coming. No more pestilence,

whatever that is.

People will be saved from oppression. Plus, I will know Chick's phone numbers

before I even ask him.

I want to go see this thing. No, sweetie.

No, we have a child. We have a responsibility. If we fall into some

don't just spend it. You put it away. That's the whole... You see this look

you're giving me now? Yeah.

That is your catch.

Okay, guys. I would like you to meet Zach Grunfest.

Hello, Zach.

Nice to meet you. Pleasure to meet you both.

Zach is the inventor of the life predictor. Wow.

Look at this. When I was your age, I was still playing with my Magna Doodle.

Hey, hey, hey, don't talk like that to a minor.

Mr. Buckman, the computer world is replete with boy geniuses. I'm just the

in the crowd.

Replete means... A lot of them. A lot of them.

So, Zach, you must be very proud of all this.

Well, it's my life's work.

Zach, just between us, and this goes no farther.

This doesn't really work, does it?

Well, I invite you to judge for yourselves.

All right.

What do we do?

Well, first you have to answer the computer questionnaire.

Okay. Then let the wall cameras take a set of photos of you.

All right. And then all you've got to do is ask the computer a question and wait

to see if its prediction will come true.

Have fun, you two. Yes, enjoy yourselves. See you later.

Thank you.

All right, here we go.

Height, I'm going to say six foot four.

Weight, 150.

It's not going to work if you don't tell it the truth. I'm telling the truth.

16 inches.

Collar size.

Fears and affinities.

Sexual preferences.

Great Expectations. You never even read Great Expectations. I started it, and I

thought it was very well written.

Guess that's it for the photos.

All right. Well, now what happens?

Something's happening.

Roll hands to the Fiesta deck.

Hi,

how you doing? Wow, she's hot.

I'm Paul and Jamie Buckman of number 5 East 12th Street.

Hello.

I'm Simulated Jamie and this is Simulated Paul.

Yes, how do you do? I'm Paul Buchman.

I beg you not to lie on the questionnaire.

My darling, you're a vision in grey on grey. May I escort you to the Trocadero?

Oh, here's the redo button.

If I wanted to marry Cary Grant, I would have married Cary Grant.

Hello. There we are. Paul, Jamie, what would you like to know about your

You ask, we answer, everyone goes home happy. Tweety, they know the drill. All

right, sir.

We don't sound anything like that.

What should we ask them? Will the Harlem Globetrotters ever lose?

Paul!

Just, anytime you're ready, just type away.

Simulated, Paul.

Oh, this thing's good.

Okay, if we go to lunch at Ritz, what will happen?

Oh! Shocking man! Shocking man! Oh, where's the poster? Okay, we're gonna

it on the internet and show you how to do this.

Oh, my God.

Breadstick. Oh, you're welcome.

I'm happy to help. Here.

Well?

Okay. Okay, first of all, I would never be as lame as that in an emergency

situation. Okay, then you won't mind going to lunch and finding out. I would

terrific. And, you know, in seventh grade health class, Mrs. Mendel, I saved

resuscitation Annie, like, I don't know, three times a week. In fact, it was...

For the future.

See, honey?

Same booth.

Honey, there's only two booths.

And by the way, your life predictor's prediction for this next booth didn't

exactly come true.

Just give it time.

My cousin, the most skeptical man on Earth. I think a certain amount of

skepticism is called for. Thank you. Melissa did the computer profile last

Yeah, I'm still not sure that I believe in it. Well, thank you, Melissa, for

your good common sense.

And may I say, everything Ira said about you is true.

What'd you tell him?

I raved a little bit.

Hey, hey, Chippy.

What do we have here?

Wow.

Uh -oh, these kid breadsticks.

What did I tell you, huh? Does a guy have to actually asphyxiate for you to

believe?

Excuse me, sir.

Yes?

You okay?

Yeah? Sorry.

So, Melissa, what do you do?

Oh, well, I teach at a school for underprivileged children.

It's incredibly rewarding.

Wow. And when you're not working? I read a lot. I work out religiously.

And I'm a pretty big sports fan.

Unbelievable. Ask her anything.

Baseball, football.

All right, Joe Namath's backup on the 1970 Jets would be... Al Whittle.

You're right, there's a woman without a catch.

Well, not exactly. No, no, you are.

No, no, I'm really not.

Hey, what do you mean?

Ira, there's something that I've been meaning to tell you. It's been on my

and I just don't feel right going another second without telling you.

It's okay.

Believe me, whatever you have to tell me, I'm sure we can work through it.

Ira, I've decided that I'm going to become a man.

I'm going to have an operation and become a man, and you will be my next

relationship as a woman.

Yes, it is.

Oh, thanks.

Breadstick. Oh, you're welcome. Oh,

I was in a lot of trouble there.

You're okay now? Yes, I'm okay.

My name is Jim Weaver. Hi, Jamie Buckman. Wait a minute, Jim Weaver, the

agent? Yes.

Wow, it's a great pleasure. You know who this guy represents?

Evander Holyfield, Shaquille O 'Neal, Brett Favre, right?

It's my pleasure. You know, I never get recognized.

She's a big sports fan.

Allow me a small gesture of gratitude.

We're having a party tonight at the St. Regis for Mark McGuire.

You are not.

Yeah.

Mark McGuire. Uh -huh. Look, it's going to be a lot of fun, so why don't you

come by, okay? You have a drink, you meet Mark.

You keep me away from the breadsticks? I think we should.

That's very nice of you. Thank you.

So, how do you feel about the life predictor now?

Take it away, Zach.

Our money is your money. You are a genius.

Thank you. And may I say, this is money well spent.

Okay, what will Melissa be doing two months from now?

That's just what you want, a woman who can read a defense.

I cannot take this personally.

James, you know, you think as you get older, you can see stuff coming. You

what, Splinky? I think this party is going to cheer you up. You think I

bring Melissa?

You know, listen, no matter how good a time you show her, you may not be able

change her mind.

Listen, I'm as romantic as the next guy, but I got to tell you, once she becomes

a quarterback, the sex is going to change.

Thank you. I know that.

I'm not trying to change her mind. I just want to give her a good send -off

woman, you know?

I mean, I feel a responsibility to make sure that she has a positive last female

experience. Yeah, oh, no, right. Because you don't want her talking trash about

you in the locker room.

You're a very honorable man.

Thank you.

Because, you know, this is new turf for me. I know.

Tomorrow she and I are going shopping. We're looking at Adam's apples.

Okay.

If we all go to the Mark McGuire party, what will happen?

Wow.

Gee.

Must have been a very good party.

I just... I find it difficult to believe that you were going to end up in bed

with Mark McGuire.

You're jealous.

Sweetie, no, I'm not jealous. I'm just... I'm just worried about our

Uh -huh.

We have to get you into bed with Mark McGuire to make sure that the machine

works. Well, I suppose if I must get into bed with Big Mac.

I just think that would be best for both of us. Just don't do that goofy thing

you do when we meet celebrities.

What goofy thing? I don't know. You get weird. Remember when we met Monty Hall?

I was fine when we met Monty Hall. Just don't be goofy.

Okay, how about this? You get an operation also and become a woman and

can still go out.

Melissa, I love you, but I don't think so.

Okay. I could maybe wear a little eye shadow, but that's about it.

Hey, Mark. Come here.

Party looks great.

Absolutely. Hey, I have your itinerary and your room key. I got a key at the

front desk. Oh, okay. Hey, Jim. Oh, hi, Jamie.

Jamie, Paul Buckman, say hello to Mark McGuire. Jamie saved my life in the

restaurant today. Nice to meet you. Pleasure to meet you. It is, isn't it?

it really a pleasure?

What do you mean?

Isn't my wife lovely?

Yes, she is. Yeah, and you haven't seen half of it. Look what's going on.

Listen,

it was really nice meeting both of you.

Will you excuse me, please? Yes.

Nice going.

He's trying to facilitate a little thing here. Yeah, Monty Hall.

Hey. Hey.

Where's Melissa?

The ladies' room.

Maybe for the last time.

Listen, I'm getting a little worried here. We might have a problem. I'm

heck of a time getting my wife into bed with Mark McGuire.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, God.

Hey, Mark. Mark McGuire. Ira Buckman. How you doing? Fine. How are you? I'm

good. Listen, I am the cousin of the guy who was married to the woman who saved

your agent's life.

Oh, good to meet you. Yeah, you too.

So, uh, must be something being a home run champ, huh?

It's a lot of fun.

Yeah. Must have chicks like throwing themselves at you.

No, not really. No?

Not that I would know anything about that. I mean, I have actually an

increasingly checkered history with women myself.

My latest, this woman who I'm really nuts about, turns out she wants to be a

man.

Yeah, anyway.

What I wanted to say was, if I were you, I would seriously consider making a

play for my cousin's wife.

What's the deal with everyone and that woman?

I don't know. I'm starting to wish I'd choke to death.

No, what I'm saying is, we would all, all of us, be very happy if you and she

were to wind up in bed together.

Thanks, but I don't think so.

You sure?

It was very nice for Mark to have met you, Ira.

Opportunity's knocking, my friend. Okay, Ira.

I should have stopped when I was at 57.

Gotta go.

That's so good.

All right, excuse me. Where you going? Just watch closely.

Hi, Mark. Remember me?

You know, I couldn't help noticing your forearm is the same thickness as my

thigh.

Will you pardon me?

Ooh, that had to hurt, I bet, huh?

Thinks he's so big. Yeah.

This is bad. This is very, very bad. All right, I think we've just got to face

the facts. We are going to lose all that money.

And also, I think it's going to be a long time before we're invited to Mark

McGuire's house.

So depressing.

Should we just go?

Yes. Yes, I'm going to go track down Melissa.

All right, I'm going to drown my sorrows a little first. You want something?

Yeah, sure.

Two vodka shots, please.

And make him hurt.

Two vodka shots.

All right, sweetie, a little toast to the unnecessary loss of a small fortune,

and may that never happen again. Here, here.

That's good.

Very good.

Got any more of that fire water there, Chester?

Two more vodka shots.

that this machine could just predict the future. You're a dummy. You're a dummy.

You're a dummy. You're a big dummy.

You're a dummy. You're a big, big, big dummy. I know you are, but what am I?

Hello,

this is Tom Brokaw.

In Libya today.

Libya. No, no, no.

Libya. Oh, that's so sexy the way he says it.

Libya. Libya.

What happened? Paul and Jamie, I think you two have had enough, don't you?

Okay. Okay. In Libya.

All right, here's what I want you to do. I want you to go upstairs to my room at

613, okay?

And lay down for a little while. Okay.

Okay. Okay. See you later. See you later.

I'm alive.

Ah! Sir! Ah!

Hey, didn't Hector say 613?

Hector?

Whatever. You know what? I'm going to have a visit to the little drunk bad

investor's room.

It's okay.

Every happiness to you both.

And, Mark, remember, sometimes it's just, it's going to be easier just to

her have her way.

Gotcha. And you remember, they're going to be throwing you junk all year long,

so just wait for your pitch.

Okay, buddy?

I'll just wait for my pitch then, you see.

Okay, bye -bye -bye -bye. Bye -bye. See ya.