Original subtitles

Okay, here's something you didn't want to know.

Martin Glazer in apartment 5C wears a size 44 underpants.

Yeah.

He leaves them in the washer for like six hours after they're done, like it's

pot roast.

So finally I have to take them out myself, and I'll tell you what they

have in the laundry room.

Tongs.

How did you know who was under where they were? Because it said right in the

elastic band, I belong to Martin Glazer, apartment 5C.

Oh, I touched another man's unmentionables.

You washing your hands?

Like I'm Silkwood, baby.

What are you doing there? I'm wrapping a certain somebody's wonderful

Valentine's Day present.

That's sweet.

But can I just warn you? Whatever you got me, what I got you is more

Pretty wonderful what I got you. Well, it's not even the same league of wonder

with no reason to argue.

Why don't we just take them out and compare? I'm ready when you're ready.

You know, it's going straight to me.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Happy Valentine's Day to you.

All right, I'm going to guess a necktie. Oh, you think you're so smart.

It's not a necktie? Just open it.

You go first.

No, you.

You're right. You know why? Because what I got you is going to be too tough an

act for a necktie to follow. You're going to feel so silly.

What, because it's not a necktie? Open it. Hey, a necktie! Yes, it's a necktie,

but it's a Paul Smith necktie.

Oh, that's a beautiful necktie. That's great, isn't it? He's a genius, Paul

Smith. Oh, that's just a gorgeous necktie. You know, he's English.

I love a nice English necktie.

Aren't the colors great? Really, really nice colors.

Vibrant, but they're subtle.

Yeah, you know what it is? They're aggressive, but like there's a humility

it. Exactly.

Look at that smooth weave, so it makes a small little knot. Oh, this is a

fantastic necktie. Oh, do you like it? I love it. Oh, I'm so glad. The second I

saw it, I said, that's what I want to get him. Oh, boy, and you were

right. This is gorgeous. Thank you so much.

You're welcome. Open up yours.

Okay.

What did he do?

You'll see. You'll know.

Ooh, a picture of a house.

No. No?

A house.

A picture of a house. No. No?

A house.

Right, a picture of a house. A house.

Right. No. No?

Of which this is a picture. It's in Westchester, in Irvington, actually.

the envelope. Look what's in the envelope.

Look at that.

We've been an escrow for the last six weeks, and we close on Tuesday!

Wow. Yay!

Happy Valentine's Day.

Ah.

I know you have some reservations about moving to the suburbs, which is why I

have arranged, I'm not stupid, okay? I have arranged with the sellers, Mr. and

Mrs. DeChristophoro, who, by the way, lovely people.

They're going to let us spend a night in the house just before we buy it, just

to put your mind at ease. Won't that be great?

How happy are you with me right now?

No, honey, don't sell yourself short, because the necktie is also really nice.

This is the kitchen, the custom kitchen.

We had a lot of good times in this kitchen, huh, Ramona? Yes, we did.

This is all for Micah.

They can't get that anymore.

Show them the intercom system.

This is the intercom system.

There are intercoms located throughout the house. It's in mint condition. Would

you like to try it? Sure.

Kevin, we got a spill on aisle seven.

You can't get those anymore.

Tell them about the living room, Frank.

This is the living room where we do most of our living.

Oh, God.

Remember that, Ramona?

Uh -huh. I took a misstep once in the attic and fell through into the living

room. Oh, look.

You can still see the line of the replaster.

Frank.

Why don't you tell them about something besides the hole in the ceiling?

Okay. Over here is the first thing we purchased when we moved in. This table

chairs.

These,

they're made from barrels?

Get out of here. No, really.

Oh, listen, you're going to love this. Listen to this.

That is great.

Try. That's okay. Try, try, try, try, try, try, try.

That is fantastic.

They don't make these anymore.

Listen, Mr.

DeChristophor... Mr.

DeChristophor, I can't help noticing you seem upset at the prospect of selling

your home. Oh, honey, no. No, honey, no.

Well,

it's just... You cut the grass and you shovel the driveway and you...

Pooper scoop the lawn for 29 years because it's yours, and then one day it

anymore. Boy, I know how you feel. To everything there is a season, okay,

Turn, turn, turn.

You see, folks, the time has come for us to move out of this house.

Our children, Jennifer, Jessica, Chucky, married, married, dancer, are all

grown.

What do we need with three bedrooms?

Three bedrooms. Besides, there's a little piece of heaven waiting for us in

town called Delray Beach, Florida.

Oh, Florida.

Please, don't start with the Florida bashing, okay?

Frank is scared of Florida. He thinks Florida kills people.

I'm just saying, all the time you hear about people going there.

But you never hear one word about them coming back.

Florida is a state in the Union.

How could a state in the Union kill people pathologically?

What am I, a scientist?

It's the sunshine state, for crying out loud. That's not sunshine. That's the

white light you see before you die.

All right, Frank, get your things.

The Buckmans are waiting for us to leave them alone.

Buckman? Uh -huh. That's the name you're going to put on the mailbox?

We thought we might. And on the welcome mat, it's going to say, The Buckmans?

Seems a natural thing to do. And when people drive by, someone in the car will

say, Who lives there?

And then someone else will say, The Buckmans?

I don't know exactly what... My God!

Oh, God!

Mr. and Mrs.

DeChristophoro, I... I had a canary for lunch, forgive me. I, um...

Oh, it's so nice that you let us have a trial night in the house. Let me tell

you something. You two are good buyers, and a good buyer is hard to find.

Nice of you to say. That's a lot.

Frank?

Cold,

cold, cold, cold, cold! Oh, God!

Okay.

Guess where I have been. Where?

The laundry room.

I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it on my own. They have a room with

nothing but a washer and a dryer waiting for us to use. Us and nobody else. Oh,

honey, this is the greatest thing.

There's no quarters. There's no elevators. There's no Martin Glaser in

boy pants.

I was so moved. I did a load of colors.

They have washing machines in Manhattan, you know. It's not just a washing

machine, don't you see?

We own land now.

We're landowners.

Like the old Harrison gone with the wind.

It's a third of an acre.

It's the rich red earth of Tara. Tara, Tara, Tara.

Oh, it's so... Ooh, it's brisk in here, too, huh? When you go to the toilet,

it's like peeing on a frozen lake.

It's good for you.

Good for you.

Oh, look at that.

What? A little spider on a wall. Ah, spider!

No, cold!

Oh, come here. Come here, little guy. Oh, kill it! Kill it and then set me on

fire.

Don't kill a spider. Spiders kill other insects. Don't kill all of them. Kill

them all.

No, no. Open the window. Open the window. Oh, gladly.

Oh, colder still.

Okay. Here you go, little guy.

Out into the world. Close the window.

Okay, bye, Spidey. Excuse me.

Sorry,

Spidey.

Listen to that. What?

Exactly. It's so quiet. I never knew there was a world this quiet.

An owl hoots.

A dog barks happily.

Chains are dragged violently across a floor.

What the hell was that? I don't know.

Okay, is it me or is the noise coming actually from inside the house? Like a

belt. Let's go. What? Where?

Let's go see what the noise is. Why?

What do you mean, why?

So, there's chains being dragged violently across the floor. What is that

business?

You want to just sit here and wait for the chains to come after us? Maybe they

won't come after us. Maybe they'll just go away.

No, but honey, this way we'll have the element of surprise. I don't want the

element of surprise. I want the element of hiding under the bed. Go on. Are you

hiding under the bed? I'll go see what the noise is. No, no, no, no.

Splitting up, that's what always happens in the movies. They split up and two

minutes later I gotta find you with an axe in your head.

Well, I wouldn't want to put you through that.

We're not splitting up, I'm saying.

So come with me.

Okay.

Really?

Yeah. You're gonna hit an axe murderer with a trout?

They hate that.

pants.

Intercom, intercom, intercom, intercom.

Just go back and pick up my ovaries.

A voice? Oh, my God, a voice dragging chains and a moaning voice?

What are you saying, that the house is haunted?

Uh -huh.

What is it saying?

Have some peanut butter and jelly.

We're looking for a ghost. I'm not going to stop and make a statement. No,

that's what the thing is saying, I think. Have some peanut butter and

Have some peanut butter and jelly?

Yeah. Well, what do you think it's saying?

Go away, Paul and Jane.

It's not saying that. Well, I'm calling 911.

What are you going to do? Tell them that we're standing in our underwear with a

trout looking for a ghost? I wish we were safely hidden under there. No!

Nice, Beethoven. Nice, Beethoven. I can't believe you did this.

What? I can't believe you came up here to the North Pole and bought a house, a

house, without consulting me. I wanted it to be a surprise.

It's not a birthday party. You don't throw somebody a surprise house.

What happens to be a very expensive present, the least you could do is be a

little more gracious about it, you know? I don't want to be here, Paul. I want

to be in Manhattan, where you don't own land. You own cubic feet, 50 stories

above the ground, like a normal person.

Where all the...

Wait a minute. What?

The noise is coming from in there.

Careful. Okay.

Lead with your fish.

Yeah!

Okay, honey, come here.

Here's your big, bad ghost.

Had to do a little laundry? It was beckoning to me.

There's quarters in a pocket from the quarters.

What are we going to do about this?

We shut it off mid -cycle, we take out the quarters. This. No, no, no. This.

of this.

Well, we can still back out of the deal if that's really what you want. What are

you saying? This is really your idea of the perfect future?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

What are you saying?

You have to have the city? Yes!

Well, this is a chance for...

One of us to be a really big person.

Yes, indeedy.

Let's buy the house.

Seriously? Yes, let's buy the house.

Why? Because it will make you happy, and when you're happy, I'm happy, so I'll

be happy.

You're really... You're a big person. Yes, I am.

You're a bigger person than I am. If you say so. I say so.

It bothers me a little that you're a bigger person than I am, but you are.

I know. Oh, thank you. Thank you for letting me buy you this house. You're

welcome. I won't forget it. Okay, I'm not going to let you forget it. I'm

kidding.

Oh, I love you. I love you so much.

I love you, too.

So guess what? This is our house.

Yes, it is.

This is Tara.

It's Tara.

Would you mind, then, if I carried you across the threshold?

Of the laundry room?

Would you mind?

Okay.

Would you mind if we just walked hand in hand across the threshold?

everyone, to the closing of escrow of number 31 Sharon Drive, Irvington, New

York. Thank you. And we're very excited to be here.

Now, Mr. and Mrs. Bachman, I have in my hand here the transfer disclosure

statement. All right. The title search.

Okay. And the wood -destroying pest and organisms inspection report.

All right. All of which require both of your signatures.

Not a problem.

Frank.

Okay,

thanks. Frank.

You good? Yeah. I have here the check for the down payments and a second check

from the lender, Chase Manhattan Bank, for the balance of the purchase price.

There it goes, sweetie. Bye -bye, money.

This is so exciting, isn't it?

Yes, yes it is.

Can I talk to you for a second?

Sure. Folks, we'll be right back.

Is everything all right? Oh, it's fine.

Just give us one second.

Is it? Are you okay?

Uh, yeah.

What, are you nervous about spending the money?

Well, yes, but no. What, are you worried we're getting in over our heads?

Of course, but that's... You think we should have gone with the adjustable

mortgage?

Probably, but that's not it. What, then?

I changed my mind.

If it's okay with you, I don't want to buy the house.

Really? You love this house. You know, but not really. It's cold, and there are

spiders, and I don't think that's real for Micah.

You're lying.

No, I'm not. You're lying. No, I'm really not. I know, and you're lying.

lying.

All right, listen to me.

If this is not your dream, then I don't want it to be my dream.

I want us to find another dream, a beautiful dream that will be our dream.

know, your dream and my dream together.

Okay?

You couldn't let me be the bigger person, could you?

What's that? You couldn't stand that I was able to step up and be the bigger

person, whereas you... What are you talking about? You know, now, obviously,

can't live in the city, either. Why not? Why don't you come in with a big

gesture like this? You think I'm going to act like that kind of jerk?

No, I don't... You would love that. Love what? And you could be the bigger

person. Okay, you know what? You're just... You're unstable.

Pardon me? You are just... You are emotionally and mentally unwell. I mean,

by the way, a little transparent.

What? Why don't you just admit it? You're upset because I got you a big,

beautiful house... Oh, don't do it. You got me a... Oh, you...

Well, you know, I'm not a big person.

Oh, Mr.

Buckman, hurry up. We're running out of crap to talk about in here.

Look,

why don't we best go deal with them now? Because we're going to need a good

fight for the ride home anyway. What are we going to say to them?

There are only 1 ,500 of these in the world.

Half of them are in communist China.

I have an idea. Just follow me.

Okay, sorry about that, everybody. Very sorry.

We were actually just discussing where we're going to put this beautiful barrel

table when we move in.

I'm sorry?

The barrel table. What? What are you talking about? No, it looks great here

the living room, but I was thinking it might go terrifically in the kitchen, or

maybe even outside. Is it waterproof, do you know? Buddy, you're not getting the

barrel table.

What do you mean? This isn't a furniture store. You're buying the house. We're

taking the barrel table.

Ooh, ooh, boy.

Uh, Mr. DeChristophor, I was just under the impression that the barrel table

came with the house. Well, that's a dopey impression.

What'd you think? You get the whole kit and caboodle? The car? The cat?

Ramona? No, of course not. No, I don't. Mr.

DeChristophor, if you want the barrel table, you can have the barrel table.

Well, thank you. Yeah, sure. What else do you want? The tchotchkes? The

of my nephew? Here, take my sweater. No, I don't want the sweater. Mr.

DeChristophor, please.

I just want the barrel table. Frank, put your sweater on. It's not my sweater.

Now it's his sweater. You're selling the man the sweater. I don't want the

sweater. I don't want the sweater. What's the matter? You don't like the

sweater?

It's a very nice sweater. Take the sweater, Frank. Give him the sweater.

Ramona. You still have your cardigan. Look.

The barrel table dies with me in Florida.

Oh, really? Well, let me tell you something. If this doesn't stay, we go.

Mr. Buckman, please sit down. Please don't tell him what to do. I have to say

I've never seen anything like this. Nor have I. Sit down.

Sit down.

You can sit down.

Frank, sit down.

I can't sit down. Watch me. It's easy.

I know how to sit down. I'm just not sitting down.

Well, if you're not going to sit down, I'll tell you this. I'm not sitting down

either. No, me neither. Okay, you know what?

What do you think you're doing?

I'm not standing and sitting.

The barrel table is not part of the sale.

Now, if you can't accept that, Mr. Buckman, I will call this deal off right

and now. Oh, God.

Be still, Ramona.

This is to Christopher. I'm sorry.

It really hurts me to say that I feel betrayed.

I feel betrayed, and I'm indignant, and I cannot agree to that. I'm with him.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. This deal is hereby unsolved, unsolved, unresolved,

dissolved. Sorry. I'm sorry. You're going to blow this deal over that table.

So let it be written, so let it be done.