Original subtitles

Sweetie. Hey.

Look who your husband dragged in.

Mom! Jamie, hi! How are you? Hi! Oh, look at you. Oh, you look so good. So do

you. No. Yeah. No. Yeah?

Okay, maybe a little yeah. Okay.

I missed you. Oh, I mean you too, which is why when I had my first day off in

five months, I chose to spend it with you guys. Yeah, Ma came down and watched

me film a little segment today. I was doing a documentary about people who

should be famous, but they aren't. I heard that.

You know, she lives with me, so she really knows most of what's going on.

know who I interviewed today, sweetie? Who? The guy who invented the little

piece of plastic that keeps the top of the pizza box from touching pizza.

That was sick.

He didn't have a lot to say, sadly. Kind of a quiet fellow.

And then this light didn't work, which was just maddening. Yeah, but I was so

thrilled to be there, because, you see, I've been trying to make up for lost

time, sort of rebuild my circle of friends. You just immerse myself in your

lives. Yeah.

If that's okay with you. Oh, hey!

Immerse yourself away.

Great, great.

How's the immersing going? It's good, it's good.

What's that, the doorbell? You remember the doorbell. Oh, yeah, sure.

Hey,

Splinkus, you know the good doctor?

Hey! Ira!

Oh, Ira, how are you? How are things?

Good. How are things with the women? Good. Yeah, how's the store?

Not so good. What?

Well, you know, I've made some unfortunate business decisions. But,

know, everything is going to turn around.

I have come up with a fantastic new promotion.

Tomorrow afternoon at my store, one of my customers is going to win a brand

spanking new Cadillac DeVille. A DeVille? Wow, wow. That's the kind of

you ride in a car and people say, wow, look at that car.

I know.

So how do you win?

Well, it's easy. Twelve contestants put their hands on the car. The last one to

take their hands off wins.

Can you afford to give away a car?

Not even close.

I'm renting a car for the day. The contestants are all going to be ringers.

The whole thing is just a big fraud?

Well, it's grand larceny, actually, but yeah.

God, I've missed you guys.

This is the worst thing I've ever heard. Oh, really?

Because bankruptcy is the worst thing I ever heard. But things are really that

bad, huh? Oh, yeah.

So where are you going to get the ringers?

Well, I don't know.

It's very hard to find ringers.

I say it's very hard to find ringers.

Once again, it's very... Oh, gosh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm so stupid. Of course, of

course. You need ringers, you can count us in. Yeah, count us in, because by all

means, we'd like to be felons, too.

Mom,

Ira is a friend indeed.

Are we friends indeed?

I'm a mother. It's a felonious crime.

What's the matter?

I can't believe...

You can't be more ashamed. I feel the stoop to this level, really. Oh, Ira.

Oh, come on. I'm not asking you to break the law. I would have thought that it

would come to this. Oh, Ira, don't cry. Eat your sandwich.

No, stupid, stupid, stupid.

No, no, all right, all right. We'll do it. We're in. Just don't hit yourself

with the food. Come on, Ira. Come on, you and me. We're going to pass out

flyers until we have no more. Okay. Yeah. Are you with me? Yes. I can't hear

you. Yes, yes. I can't hear you. Yes, yes. I can't hear you. Enough already.

Shut up.

Mark has really calmed down, hasn't he? Oh, yeah.

I can't believe this stupid light didn't work. You know how expensive these

things are to rent?

Did you shake it?

Sweetie, it's a very sophisticated piece of equipment. You don't just shake it.

You have to... Ow!

Right, right, right, right.

Very bright.

Shut it off. I did. No, seriously, go shut it off.

Honey. Oh, honey, where'd you go? I'm right here. Oh, oh, ask me how I am. How

are you? Blind.

No, sweetie, it's just a day or so, the doctor said. As long as I keep taking

those eye drops.

I'm going to take very good care of you. I know that you will. Ow!

Look out!

Honey, maybe next time a little earlier with the warning would be good. Oh, my

God, it's worse than I thought. He's disfigured.

That's Mom, right? Am I right? That's Mom. I'm going to take a wild guess.

That's Pop.

I like your hair.

It's a disguise. I don't want any of my old customers to recognize me.

Very convincing.

Oh, thank you. Look, for the life of me, I just don't understand how this

happened. Well, like I said, Sylvia, he was looking into the light when I got it

to work. I just don't understand how this could have happened. Well, again,

was looking down into the light, which I didn't realize when it turned on and

shone into his eyes.

I just don't understand how anything like this happens. You know what? I

either. Oh.

Hey, I think it's really nice that you guys are helping out Ira.

These are putts.

When I gave him the store, all I asked was that two years later I would not

to be standing here in the wig.

Hey, nice to meet you, folks. Glad you could make it out.

Very subtle.

Everything okay?

No, no, no. Half my ringers didn't short. There's some big accident on 34th

Street. Ah, nobody signals anymore.

It's okay. I know what to do.

Afternoon, everybody.

Welcome to Buckman's Sporting Goods Win a Free Car Contest.

Not a moment, you've all been waiting. Waiting for it. It's time to choose our

first contestant.

All right, come on down, Jamie Stemple. Oh, what a surprise!

Who's that?

Okay, put your hand on that caddy, Mr. Mark Devonow. Oh, my God!

Oh, that's me!

Oh, God!

I've never been kicked for anything!

I've ever... I can't believe this! Oh, my God! Thank you!

Thank you! A match less, sir.

Okay, our next contestant is Mr.

Paul Melton.

Excuse me, I think that would be you, sir.

The blind guy.

Oh, Milton.

Milton. Okay, yes. I'm sorry, I didn't hear. Okay, let me help you, sir. Very

nice to meet you. Nice to meet you. Thank you very much, kind lady.

All right, ready. Our next contestant is Sylvia Rodham Clinton.

And Mr.

Bert Bekarek. Oh, no, no. No relation.

And contestant number six, Mr. Marvin Bluestone. Hey.

What do you mean, boss?

I call everybody boss.

Boss? Excuse me, boss.

Oh, don't pee on the floor, boss.

Okay, contestants, approach the car.

Hey, hey.

You only picked six names.

The flyer said there'd be 12 contestants.

Yeah, well, the flyer was wrong. We're going with six.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm calling the Better Business Bureau.

We're going with 12.

Okay.

One in every crowd, huh? Okay, say hello to Susan Ackerman, Jason Disbrow,

Ray Thorne, Jane Santangelo, Peggy Conway.

Peggy Conway? Is she a ringer? No, no, she's legit.

Okay, and our last contestant is Mr.

Rory O 'Grady.

Wait a minute, you are Rory O 'Grady?

Yeah, why?

Nothing. Why? I don't look Irish to you, is that it? Why?

Because I'm not wearing green and I don't have red hair and freckles?

Sorry, I left my kiss me I'm Irish button at home. You're on my list, pal.

Okay, super.

All right, we got 12.

Hands on the car.

Listen,

folks, those of you watching, it wouldn't kill you to buy something.

All right, now we're going to begin.

Ready?

Whoops, sorry, lady. You took your hands off the car. You're out.

We're down to 11.

I really feel like my other senses are compensating for my lack of sight.

Everything's more acute.

Are you kidding me? You've been blind for an hour and a half.

I'm telling you. Okay.

Perfect example. Somebody is behind me.

Oh, 15 feet behind me, I would say.

Eating a burrito con queso.

Oh, my God. Am I right? Okay.

Somebody over there?

Somebody has tic -tacs.

Oh, come on. Go ask. Go ask. I think you'll find it's the man in the... No,

sorry. It's the woman.

Woman? She's wearing tweed.

Excuse me. Sure.

Okay.

Excuse me. Does anybody happen to have a tic -tac?

Oh, God.

See? You doubted me.

Okay, time for the drops. All right, little drops.

Okay, glasses off, eyes open. Okay.

Glasses off.

Oh, boy, I don't enjoy this part of it.

Here we go. All right.

Did you do it yet? No, not yet.

Here it comes.

Okay. Oh, that's my cheek. Sorry.

Here it comes.

Nostrils. Sorry.

It's not enough that she nearly blinded him. Now she's going to drown him. No,

she's not.

Let me do it. No, no, no, Sylvia. Doctor, who loses? Right over there.

You're crying a lot. All right.

Sir, ma 'am, you're out of the contest.

What? You mean you can't even take a hand off the car even once? No, those

the rules. In fact, the only rule.

Okay, step away from the car.

Did you do it yet? Here it comes.

Oops.

Tastes like chicken. Sorry.

Excuse me, ma 'am.

You holding up okay?

Because, you know, there's no shame in leaving.

Let me explain something to you.

I may be British, but there's nothing on God's earth that moves myself as much

as a big American Cadillac.

Really? Just look at it.

Power everything.

Leather interior.

275 horsepower V8.

Zero to 60 in a blink of an eye.

Oh, God.

Okay, so you're staying.

Hi, guys.

Hey. That would be Marvin.

How's it going? My girlfriend wants me to quit my stock boy job, but I don't

know what else I could do.

What are your interests?

Funny cars.

Anything else?

Helping people.

So, like, a funny car ambulance would be right up your alley.

Forget it. Oh, Marvin, I was kidding around. Where'd he go?

Marvin.

How you doing?

Good, good. Quite a car, isn't she?

Sure is.

Hey, would you like to take a look at the inside?

Is that allowed?

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Just, you know, make sure you keep your hand on the car.

Don't worry.

Okay.

Do me a favor, huh? Will you shut this door?

I love this machine.

I'm just going to give you a minute.

Hey, James.

Don't go, don't go. Stay, stay. Because my fantastically acute senses tell me

that there is nobody around us right now. So I'm going to hop up here right

to you and snuggle pretty close.

It's nice up here, isn't it?

It's kind of... kind of cool.

It's kind of sexy up here, sitting on a caddy.

In fact, as long as nobody's here, I'm going to give you a little one of these.

Perhaps even one of these.

Don't say anything.

Don't say anything.

What I'm going to do is I'm going to leave this hand here on the car, while

hand I will place ever so discreetly Over here.

What do you think of that?

Lower.

Maggie? Yes?

Excuse me one second.

back in New Jersey. You don't recognize your own wife?

You know, I smelled a nice, lemony -smelling woman. I thought it was you.

By the way, you also groped her.

Because I thought I was groping you.

Even after the initial grope?

Well, you know, at a certain point, I started to have my doubts. Uh -huh. And

why was that?

You know, I mean, truthfully, it did feel a little different.

Different how?

I don't know. You know, she definitely works out.

Will you have sex with me?

Whoops. I'm sorry. You're out.

Oh.

By the way, we're open seven days. Don't forget to tell your friends.

Man, I am at a loss here.

Well, what did you like to do when you were a kid?

I used to like to stack things.

Uh -huh.

What else?

I used to like to put little pretend price tags on them and put them up on

little pretend shelves.

You know, Marvin,

It's just possible that being a stock boy is your calling.

I know.

Deep in my heart, I've always known.

I think I knew when I was eight.

But I would pretend to be like the other kids who wanted to be doctors and

lawyers.

I had to live a lie.

Thank you. Wait, wait, wait. No, no, your hand. Put your hand on the car.

hand on the car. Marvin.

I'm sorry, boss.

Sweetie, I'm not saying that you don't work out. I'm simply saying I was

surprised that she had, like, not an ounce of fat on her.

God bless America.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Maggie.

Hello, Hal.

Maggie, please, darling, listen to me.

Take your hands off the car.

Oh, I can't.

What's the matter, Hal?

Maggie can't be near Cadillacs, you see.

They have a rather extraordinary effect on her.

Come here, darling.

There's only one thing to be done.

What's that, Hal? I'll have to channel her urges elsewhere.

Stand back, please.

Maggie, darling, look here.

everyone. Sorry about what I said before, huh?

No problem.

Nice try.

Thank you.

Did you think you were going to trick me off this car like those other patsies?

No.

So how's it going?

Good.

What part of Ireland are you from? There it is. There it is. What is it? What is

it with you? What are you with, like the find the fake Irish guy police?

Let me tell you something, pal.

When I win this car, I'm going to be rejoicing with a pint of bitters and

singing the song of my native land.

With a bim -bam -thootie and a bim -bam -thee -dee, we're going for a Sunday

drive, you boys. With a bim -bam -thootie and a bim -bam -thee -dee,

for a Sunday drive.

There's your Irish.

Anything you got to say to me?

Please let go of my hand.

Mark, are you okay?

It's crazy. What? The contest.

It's crazy.

It's cruel.

It's crazy and it's cruel.

What's the matter?

Every time I stare at my hand, it just wants to let go. I can't take the

pressure. What pressure? There's no... You know, the whole thing is fixed. Even

if you win, you don't get anything.

No, no, no. The pressure of letting Ira down. I can't take the pressure of the

obligations of friendship.

I have to take my hand off...

Sweetie. Honey.

Honey pie darling.

Hey, buddy.

She's upset with you for groping the English broad.

Thank you.

Sweetie, you want to play went on a picnic?

No. Come on, you love to play went on a picnic. Don't want to play. All right,

fine. Okay.

I'll play by myself.

Went on a picnic? What the hell is that?

Went on a picnic and I brought an apple. An apple and a banana.

An apple, a banana, and a coconut.

You've got to be kidding me. An apple, a banana.

A French toast. A gingerbread man.

A Havarti cheese.

An ice...

tea, a jello mold, a kiwi, a lecithin substitute, a melamor, a nectarine, an

orange, and a, uh, a, uh, a little pea, a, uh, a... A

pie!

A pie, for God's sake!

Uh, what an apple, a banana, a coconut.

Oh, time for the eye drops.

You know what? Do your own eye drops. What are you talking about? I don't feel

like taking care of you right now.

Oh. Oh, great.

Sweetie, come on. Is this what it's going to be like when we're 80?

Come on. I get a little infirm. I have a problem with my eye.

Sorry. A little problem and that's what you're going to do? Be a little angry so

you're denying my medication?

My prescribed medicine you're not going to give me? That's surprising, honey.

That's a little disappointing because... Ow! Oh, excuse me.

Sweetie, let me tell you something.

When you get older, you know, there's going to be a lot more of this. Ow!

There's a lot more people when you get older. There's going to be plenty of

ointments and drops, and we're going to have to take care of each other, you

know? So we might as well practice now, sweetie.

Sweetie, look, I'm just... Look, I love you.

Okay? Just look me in the face and just tell me that you love me, too.

I love you.

Pardon me one second.

Sweet. Jane, come on, say something.

Oh, just give me the... Okay, thank you.

That's all.

Okay.

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I smelt incorrectly.

Okay. I'm sorry I wrongly groped. Okay.

Sorry I noticed the firmness of my... Careful. All right.

Here it comes.

Oh, ooh, that's it.

Ah, that's the stuff, yeah.

Hey, wait a minute. What?

I'm beginning to see a little bit.

Really? Yeah, not great, but a little bit.

Oh, good.

Yeah, I can say, hey, you're pretty.

Oh, thank you.

Hey. Okay.

Sorry.

Hmm. Hmm.

Hmm. Hmm.

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hands off the car! Hands off the car!

I win!

Oops.

Sorry.

As God is my witness, I do not have the car.

Think about it, okay? A car in a New York City apartment.

Use your head!

Paulie, Paulie, just two more weeks, Max.