Original subtitles

Okay. Pick a card.

Look at it.

Put it back.

Okay.

Is that your card? No.

Yes, it is.

No, it isn't.

Yes, it is.

It's really not.

Yes, it is.

Yes, it is.

Ta -da!

This is a Paul Buckman documentary. People who aren't famous but should be

cut of the guy who invented the moist towelette segment.

Tell me, how did you first get the idea for the moist towelette? Well, at that

time, all towels were dry.

And you often found yourself moistening them in order to perform various tasks.

Cleaning your glasses or wiping a baby's bottom, for example.

So I thought that if the towels were already moist, you don't have to go to

sink.

How did you arrive at the name Moist Towelette? Because I'm fascinated by

You are?

Yeah.

You're a nice boy.

Well, the moist portion is self -explanatory.

And as far as the towelette part, it was stronger than a tissue.

And although it had certain towel -like qualities, it wasn't a towel.

It was smaller than a towel.

It was thinner than a towel.

It was lighter than a towel.

It was a... Towelette.

Towelette.

What do you think?

Well, I, you know, I... What did your agent say?

Oh, he hasn't even seen it. Maybe the first one I'm showing it to. I'm going

send him this one, the guy who invented curly fries, and also the woman who

first wrote up area codes. Right, right.

So I'm going to send him off to... What do you think, you? I think it's a great

idea for a documentary.

What do you mean it's a great idea?

No, it is. People who aren't famous, but should be. It's intriguing. You hear

the premise and you think, why isn't the guy who invented the moist towelette

famous? And then you see the film and you find out why.

I didn't love the film, Paul.

I don't understand what you're saying to me.

I think it's kind of dull.

Dull? Dull.

Dull? Dull.

The moist towelette guy was dull? Dull. Curly fries? Oh, my God, dull.

Area code woman? Wanted to fall on a sharp stick.

Really? Oh, you're obsessed.

No, no.

No.

Cut it off. I liked your little shirt. That was nice. Yeah, good.

Hello, Bookman. Hey, Mr. Wicker. Nice to see you.

Actually, a couple of things need fixing. Yeah, this squeak in the door.

been squeaking.

What happened to the squeak? I fixed it this morning. Well, thank you. You're

welcome. And also that little thing in the kitchen, the stove, over the stove,

the thing that sucks the smoke out, what is that called? The vent? Yes, it's not

venting. I fixed it this morning.

Well, you've had a busy morning, haven't you?

Thank you. The reason I'm here is I was going to ask you guys a favor. Sure,

sure. Anything within our very limited power.

I went out of town for a couple of weeks. I was wondering while I'm gone if

could take care of my roof garden. You have a garden on the roof? Yeah, my

and joy.

So what do you think? Could you take care of it for me?

Well, you know, Mr. Wicker, ordinarily we'd love to... We have so much going

The baby... Okay, I understand.

Yeah, just that you guys are my favorite tenants.

I always think about you guys as my friend's family, really.

Well... That's nice to know. Really nice. Very sweet of you to say.

Shouldn't form an attachment with tenants, but, you know, with you guys...

darn it. Mr. Wicker... Couldn't help myself. We also are very fond of you.

Ordinarily we'd love to... What's the matter?

Boy, is that quiet.

Why don't we take care of the roof garden?

What do you think? Is that ripe?

Or is it dull?

Would you?

Sure, that's the one I meant to take.

It's not like this is the first time I didn't like one of your movies.

As a matter of fact, yes, it is. It is? Yeah, you've liked everything.

I have? You always have. You liked Buckman. I liked Buckman. You liked

liked Weed. You liked Life of a Button. I love Life of a Button. Okay, so when

you tell me that my film is dull, I just gotta say that smarts. It really does.

What am I supposed to do? Lie to you?

No, you're supposed to like the film. But what if I don't? Then yes, lie.

Paul Buckman, how are you? Stan, how are you? Nice to see you. My wife, Jane.

Hello. Stan Freitas. Nice to meet you. Stan, little Mabel. Oh, isn't that a

cutie? And this is Gunther.

Oh, boy, how old is he?

Six months.

Oh, my gosh.

Boy, how much does he weigh? Gunther comes in at a healthy 185.

He's on a Notre Dame in the fall. He's a big guy. Yes, he is. From my wife's

side of the family, they're huge.

people freaks dutch huge dutch freaks well he's awfully cute yeah it's like

carrying mickey rooney around look at this toy this is quite a toy you got

it squeeze it what squeeze it my belly is jolly hello there

Where do you get these? Oh, you can't. It's from Holland. It's called a... My

belly is

jolly. Oh, I love that. Oh, so does Gunther. Paul, give the child his toy

Yeah, I will.

My belly is jolly.

Honey. Huh? Okay, okay, okay.

Stan, your name sounds so familiar to me. Yeah, honey.

Stan directed that documentary, Dogtown. Oh, my God. Yeah, that was a brilliant

film. Oh, thank you. No, really. I saw it like three times. It was so fresh and

original. Oh, you're very kind. You should be very flattered because she's a

tough critic, my wife. Yeah. No, boy, she doesn't like something, boom, she'll

let you know. She's not shy. One sentence, boom, that's it. You just die.

are out. The whole world is over. You want to stop living? You want to start

dying, you know? She tells you what to think and the life gets sucked out of

until you're just soulless and sucked out and dead, dead.

Okay, I gotta go. It was nice to bump into you. Nice to see you, Stan.

Bye -bye. See you, little gunter.

I'm mine.

Seven, six. Okay, so his fell on your life. There we go. Now, that's good.

You know what, sweetie? Maybe there's been a mistake. Maybe you should be

married to Stan. Oh. Well, why not? He's obviously not happy with the Dutch,

bro. At least don't do this. It's just part of loving somebody. If you love

somebody, love their work. Well, I disagree. Well, I don't. Really? You

disagree with yourself? What a shock. I don't. I don't. I think when you stop

loving the work, I think that means maybe you love the person a little bit

That is ridiculous.

I think it means we've reached a higher level of intimacy and closeness.

has lifted the Flavin Viva. Oh, my. Let me see if I can get a stand. Oh, wait,

sweetie. Look how cute they are. She loves it. Okay.

Why can't she keep it?

Why? Because it belongs to somebody else. I know, but she's happy, and he's

going to remember where he lost it.

I think you're missing the point here. I get the point, Mr. Goody -Two -Shoes.

So what are we going to do now? We're just going to make off with the Flavin

Hacker?

Natural. Natural.

Mr. Wicker?

Mr.

Wicker?

Who's coming out next, Shoeless Joe?

How do you like my garden, huh?

Garden? It's like a small farm you got going. I like working the land, Buckman.

Oh, yeah, it's a hell of an avocation.

It gives me something to do.

Something that's serene and satisfying when I feel the...

The world is getting the better of me. Sure, sure.

Do you have another occasion?

A what? A hobby. A hobby? No, I don't. I don't have the time. I, you know, I...

I like cereal a lot, but I just... I don't do anything with it. You may like

farming. Yeah? Oh, yeah. You may like the feel of raw earth under your

fingertips. Sure. The smell of fresh manure under your shoes. Ah, now you're

talking. That's something I can really get to home.

Listen, uh... I should tell you, I don't, uh, I don't know how to do this.

sort of, uh, agriculturally challenged, you know? I mean, me and farming is

like, it's like oil and, uh, can't even make a joke. You see what I'm saying? I

don't know.

Come on, you're gonna love farming.

Yeah? Look, we got corn. Okay.

Tomatoes.

Lettuce. Cucumbers.

You know, if you could just grow bacon, bitch, you got a whole cob salad right

there.

Let me show you this. What's he got? Look at this.

This is sweet white corn.

Wow. Look at that. Beautiful.

Hell yeah.

Taste this.

I mean, it's raw. So?

Mr. Wick, it's still got the hair on it.

Well,

that's some good corn there, neighbor. Huh?

Okay, let's talk about your chores.

All right.

Now this.

This is the garden's most important tool. I need you every morning to come

here and water these plants enough so you soak these roots. Okay. Be careful,

because if you overwater...

You run the risk of caving in the ceiling on the Bornstein's living room.

Which a lot of farmers don't have that particular problem.

Bring me the trowel. You got it.

What is a trowel?

Little shovel. Little shovel? That's what you have to say. Little shovel.

you go. Look, this, this is crabgrass. Okay.

Crabgrass is the enemy.

Hmm? Crabgrass will get into your brain and keep you up at night.

Crabgrass will make you wish you'd never been born.

Crabgrass bad.

Right. Yes.

Watch.

So, we dig up the crabgrass by the roots.

Okay. And we never shed a tear.

Goodbye, crabgrass.

Try it. Yeah?

This... Uh -huh.

It's time.

Okay, I didn't realize you were in a rush, but... It's time. The spice. Time.

That's time?

Right. I thought it came in those little glass jars. Right.

Pretty cool.

Okay, so that's crabgrass right there I got. Ah.

Excellent work.

Okay, this is not so bad.

It's actually kind of fun. I told you. Yeah.

There's a bright golden haze in the meadow.

There's a bright golden haze in the meadow.

The corn is as high as an elephant's eye.

And it looks like it's climbing clear up to the sky.

Oh, what a beautiful morning.

Oh, what a beautiful day.

my way.

Furthermore, all...

A 60 %

chance of rain for the New York metropolitan area.

Good, good. Rain is good. My beans and basil, thank you. With high winds

tomorrow evening.

Winds? No, no, no, no. Winds?

Beans and basil don't like winds.

It's going to blow on my beans.

My goodness.

Did you call your agent back? No, I will. Hi.

Hi. You said he still hadn't gotten the film. I know.

I'm going to call him. Honey, your agent calls five times. You don't call him

back? Honey, I got bigger problems now.

Like what?

My aphids.

Excuse me?

I got aphids.

They're eating my spuds.

I'm on the verge of a major potato famine up there. Plus, I'm not sure. I

I got a gopher.

Here. Hey, hey, hey. Come here, come here, come here, come here. You have to

taste this. This is unbelievable. This is a beefsteak tomato. This is the

largest of the North American tomato varietals. It has an actual name.

It's phylum tomatus.

What the hell is a tomato? It's a good tomato, though.

Oh, my God.

What do you think? Oh, my God.

Delicious or is it dull?

It's delicious. You grew this?

Yep. Well, I ordered it yesterday and I picked it today.

But I was the one who decided it was ready for eating. And it did grow for a

whole day under my supervision. So, in essence, yes, I grew that.

Oh, way to go.

Yeah. Oh, it's going to be a good harvest this year.

Hello, Paul. Stan Freitas.

Hi, Stan.

Yeah, listen, the crazy thing, it seems that Gunther has lost his Flevenhuden.

Uh -oh.

Gunther lost his Flavinheist? Yeah, and he's really upset about it.

Down, Gunther! Well, you know, it's a heck of a toy.

Yeah, I know, and the last time I remember seeing the damn thing is when

into each other at the market!

Gunther! Ow!

That hurts, Daddy! No!

Anyway, you couldn't have accidentally fallen into your stroller, could it?

Accidentally fallen into our stroller?

Huh. I mean, which would...

free us of any wrongdoing whatsoever?

What do you mean?

Stan, are you okay?

I'm fine. Just tell me you have the flavin' hurtin'. Uh, let me take a look,

Stan. Maybe I do. You know what? Yes, we do. There's the flavin', Grieber. Oh,

thank God. I'll be over in four minutes.

What does that mean? You'll find out.

Sweetie. One sentence.

Sorry, Stan.

We don't have the toy. We could have the Floovenberg free and clear.

What are you doing about lying and thieving? I'm talking about a toy your

daughter loves.

So she loves the toy, but she'll love something else. Look. Little teddy bear,

make a switcheroo. She'll never know the difference. Look what Daddy's got.

Hello. Hello.

Hello. You take the teddy bear. I'll take the Flavin' Scrawler. There you go.

Okay.

See? In like Flint. There's no reason...

Happy Gunther with the vegan egg and sugar.

Coming.

Who is it?

It's Paul and Jamie Buckman, Stan.

Hi. Hi, Stan. Sorry to bother you so late. We thought you might like some

produce. Produce? Take it.

We need to talk to you about that toy. What about it? We'd like to buy it from

you. You can name your price. I'm sorry, it's not for sale. Oh, everything's for

sale, Stan.

Please, God.

It's for our daughter. How much? Jamie.

How much? Jamie.

Would you come in? Excuse me.

Hello. Oh, hello, Wilma.

No, everything is fine.

Wilma, don't start with this tune.

Why don't you start with this tune?

Why don't you start with this tune? Don't start.

Wait,

Eva. Wait, just hang on.

I have to take it inside.

Excuse me.

Hellfinger. Hellfinger.

Crazy Dutch freak.

Wow. Stan got an Emmy?

And a Golden Globe? Look, and he won a big blue side square thing?

What are you doing? Help me.

We're taking this thing. What? Come on, will you? The guy's going to run out of

Dutch. My gosh, he's big. We are not taking a toy out of a child's crib.

Uh -oh. What?

Gunther's sitting on it.

Gunther, get up.

Gunther, get up.

Big boy.

You got a pot roast on you?

Maybe we can lure him over to the other side of the crib.

Sweetie, do you understand the difference? It was one thing when Mabel

by accident at the market. Here we go, big guy.

This, this, this is wrong.

Dear God, he's like a sea lion.

Put the toy down. I haven't actually picked him up yet. What are you going to

do? Are you going to take the toy and just run away? Yes. You'll pick up

Gunther. I'll grab the flak and bush and we'll get out of here.

This is not... Look at what you've become. You're mugging an infant.

Hot bidoma. You're annoying, Wilma.

Listen to me. Our daughter is home crying her little eyes out because I

would like to sleep again before I die.

It's Gunther or us. Gunther or us. Gunther or us.

Sorry, pal. Thank you.

You see all this film awards he's got?

Lift. Okay.

Careful, he's very heavy. Sweetie, he's a baby. I think I can pick up... Oh, my

God. Oh, my God.

See? Got an ass like a goat.

Okay.

Got it.

Sorry, Gunther.

Sorry, Gunther. We'll get you something. We've got to get him something.

And when you're ready, we have an excellent therapist.

father of all non -dry cleaning products.

We felt if you could tear the towelette off, leaving a nice, attractive little

piece of the next one showing, it would be very inviting.

That did it? Is this legal?

So it shouldn't be a total loss, huh?