Original subtitles

oh just help me

And when the harvest was completed, the pilgrims realized they had survived.

They had made it in the Massachusetts Bay Colony. And, you know, if you can

it there, you can make it anywhere.

And so they gave thanks with a sumptuous meal of Indian corn and turkey. And

then they all went into the living room and unbuttoned their pants and passed

out watching football.

So even today, we give thanks. Yes, we give thanks. And our friends and family

come over to our house. Oh, boy, and everybody has such a great time. It's a

wonderful day.

Okay, listen to me. It's the worst day of the year.

What is it? Why do we always have such a crappy Thanksgiving?

I don't know, sweetie. I think we're just fundamentally inhospitable people.

we're not.

This turkey is so heavy. Feel this turkey. I don't want to feel the turkey.

Seriously, it's like carrying Joe Pesci's head.

Pound for guests, says Julia Child.

No, that's just crazy cookbook talk.

Hi. Hello.

Hi, hi.

Hi, Dr. Lee.

I'm sorry to keep you waiting. Oh, no problem. The HMOs provide most of my

patient flow now, and they take such a large percentage that the only way I can

make ends meet is to schedule three and sometimes four appointments for the

exact same time.

It's a grave inconvenience to my patients, and it fills me with shame.

But I'm happy in my work.

Well, that's great. Good. Hello, Mabel!

My goodness, she is beautiful!

Thank you.

Do you have kids?

No, I'm not married, actually.

Pediatricians are far less eligible bachelors than they were before managed

care. I'd like to have kids.

Surely thought by now I would have them. But I don't.

Still, I'm glad I chose medicine.

Now, what seems to be the trouble with the young lady? Well, she's been

a lot. Really?

Yeah. Although, oddly, since we're here, not one sneeze.

Oh, my turkey.

Looking forward to Thanksgiving?

Yeah. Me too.

Going home to see family?

No, my parents and I don't speak.

I come from a long line of artists and musicians, and when I told them I was

going into the natural sciences, they broke with me.

But you know, if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change anything.

That's good.

Allergy. Really?

I can't be sure to what, but I'm certain it's an allergy.

Do you have any pets?

No. Do you have a dog?

Long -haired by any chance? No. Yes.

Bring her within close proximity to the dog and see if she sneezes.

Then, take her some distance from the dog and see if she stops sneezing. Wait,

wait. Dr.

Lee, you don't really think that Mabel could be allergic to our dog, do you?

Yes, I do. This is why I'm proposing this exercise.

Now, try to do this test as soon as you can and call me tomorrow.

Okay, oh, tomorrow's the holiday.

I know.

I'll be in my office all day.

You're kidding.

No, each year on Thanksgiving.

I pick up a turkey sandwich, then I come here to catch up on my paperwork.

But I wear a pilgrim's hat, which I enjoy.

But you have a lovely day.

Enjoy being with family and friends.

Never forget how lucky you are.

We won't. Okay. Um, Dr. Lee, this is going to sound like a wacky offer. I

we just met you, but would you like to join us for Thanksgiving?

Oh, I couldn't. Oh, sure you can. You know, we live only a few blocks from

Really? Yeah, you can meet some great people.

Really? Oh, it'll be fun.

Really? We insist.

Really?

Yes. Okay, I'll do it. Okay, great.

So we'll stop on the way home, pick up a bigger turkey. Okay, but only if it's

heavier. I am so grateful. Thank you so very much. Oh, listen, our pleasure.

We'll see you at three o 'clock and your nurse has our address.

Okay, great.

Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. I am very touched. Thank you very, very much.

This is so kind of you.

Oh, not at all. I just can't tell you how much this means to me.

You're getting a good sense, though. You sure are.

All right, thanks. This has been a terrific visit. Hey, thanks. I am proud

your daughter's pediatrician. Okay, baby.

Oh, my God.

All right, we've gone from Joe Pesci's head to the whole guy.

Hey, sweetie, are you going to let Daddy hold you so Mommy can fix the turkey?

Okay. All right, sweetie. Okay.

Well, she just really likes it better being held by you, doesn't she? You

a little bit. That's all right. I'm good with my turkey.

Oh, honey, look. Oh, Marie, Marie. Okay, how could anybody be allergic to him?

Well, we don't know it's him she's allergic to. I mean, look, she hasn't

yet. Check.

Okay, one time.

Okay, let's try it. Bring her closer.

Now go over there.

Okay, bring her back.

Go over there.

Bring her back.

It's the sink, it's the sink. She's allergic to the sink.

Oh, sweetie, do you know what it means? If Mabel is allergic to Murray, we're

going to have to choose between our daughter and our daughter.

It would just break my heart if we had to give Murray away.

I mean, before there was even you, there was Murray. When I was sad and lonely,

there was Murray.

And for a long, dark period of my life, when women would offer me no intimacies,

there was Murray.

That came out wrong, but you know what I'm saying.

Murray was man's best friend. And how have I thanked him? I've gone and

reproduced and created a being who was actually allergic to him.

Maybe there's a solution.

Maybe there's a pill or a powder or something.

Yeah, a powder. You don't know.

Here's what we'll do. Okay, I got it. We put Mabel, just she stays in one room.

How much room does she need? She's going off to college in a couple of years.

Okay, okay, here's another idea. Could Murray live in your closet? Okay, in my

closet?

How do you feel about Fresno?

Okay, there's you, me, Dr. Lee, Ira, Bert, Sylvia, Lisa, and Debbie.

Oh, look, Murray and Ocean City.

Remember how we love those steamers?

Mm -hmm, I do. I'm glad we invited Dr. Lee, aren't you? Oh, Murray's birthday

party.

What can we do to make Thanksgiving an actual fun day for everybody?

I don't know. A door prize.

How about a door prize? We put a coin in the stuffing. Whoever gets it wins a

musket.

A what? A musket, a pilgrim gun.

Oh, sweetie, you're a grown woman. You don't need to be putting a quarter in a

turkey. Don't... What are we doing? What's next? Party games?

Yes, I'll guess.

You're a genius. Perfect.

Come on, you know how you get with party games. I don't get.

You do.

Something happens to you. You just win, win, win, win.

I mean, you're like a very good -smelling Vince Lombardi.

What, are you afraid I'm going to beat you in front of all of our friends?

Let's not do it. Why don't you just say it? You know, why don't you just say,

you're right, I'm going to lose badly in front of everybody and I don't want to

do that.

Don't do it, Tony. Don't goad. Why don't you just be honest about your fears?

You see, you're goading me. Don't goad. I'm not goading. I just think it's

ironic that we're having turkey because I'm sitting across the table from a big

chicken.

Okay. Here's what we're going to do. You pick any game. You pick a game and I

will beat you at that game. Don't count on it. Well, we'll see.

Okay.

Good harvest. Good harvest to thee.

Good harvest to thee. Good harvest, Ursula. Oh, and may ye endureth winter's

oncoming wrath.

And the same to thee.

So what, is Riff's doing a whole Thanksgiving theme thing where all the

dresses up?

No.

Oh, have ye decided?

Uh, yes, we will have two tuna melts. Yes, and two green salads, please. As

wish. Ursula.

Everything okay?

I dread the morrow.

Oh, Ursula.

But why, pray tell?

Well, I had hoped to earn sufficient ducat to visit acquaintances in their

homeland, Battle Creek, Michigan.

But alas, the natives here tip like the dirt in which I stand.

What? I couldn't afford the freaking plane ticket.

Terrible. Sorry to hear that. Ursa, would you like to spend Thanksgiving at

house? How much will you pay me?

What? See, if I could earn enough money spending Thanksgiving at your house,

then maybe I could go to Michigan for Thanksgiving.

No, no, no, because Thanksgiving will have already passed. Right, you would

spent Thanksgiving at our house. Right, which is not, not, not in Michigan.

If you say so.

There's a powder.

See, I told you. Is it messy?

Not really.

But it works great. Mabel has not sneezed once.

So we can keep Murray.

That's right.

Great. Also, I recall he wanted to know if he could bring Marvin tomorrow. I

said sure. Good, yes, good.

All right, good. Means we have to get a bigger turkey. Already done, my friend.

They didn't have any bigger turkeys. I got us a walrus.

Okay, so listen, in terms of the party games, I'm throwing out all the kissing

games, because it's the wrong crowd, right? Oh, I'd say so, yes.

Spin the bottle, post office, seven minutes in heaven, throwing them right

Oh, I think that's best, yes. So then there's charades, but does anybody...

right, you know what? Happy to beat you at charades. Okay, you could not beat me

at charades.

Sweetie, why do we do this? Okay, fine, then it's charades. You know what? In

fact, it's running charades. What's that?

It's charades, but with running.

All right, I'll beat you at that. Okay, fine.

You know what? You're meat.

I'm sorry?

Your meat.

Your running charades dead meat.

Oh, well, that's nice. See you at home, meat. Oops, bye -bye. You get shot.

Boy, that sounds fun, running charades. It's a great game. I used to be a

terrific charades player.

Oh, really?

Two words, first word, two syllables. Sounds like... Yes, sir, I was fast.

I bet you were.

Been a while since I played, however.

Yeah, well, you know, we're all so busy.

That'd be fun to...

Shake off the cobwebs. Oh, God, forgive me. Henry, would you like to come to our

house tomorrow? Oh, no, hey, that's very nice. Are you sure?

Okay, yes, great, thanks.

Hey.

See you, time watch day. Today, tomorrow, I'll see you tomorrow.

Coming, sweetie?

Yeah. Honey, look, this time, the entire cast of Goodfellas.

Good afternoon.

And happy Thanksgiving.

Oh, yes.

Well, as you know, it's every Englishman's favorite holiday.

Second only to July 4th.

You know, you should think of Thanksgiving more as a triumph of the

than as a political holiday.

Oh, thank you so much. You've changed my life.

I'm serious. Thanksgiving isn't about soon -to -be -Americans escaping British

oppression. It's about people carving out a life for themselves against all

odds. Sweetie, heavy turkey here.

In fact, why don't you join us tomorrow?

Really? Really?

Really. Absolutely.

Come across the pond, as they say. About three o 'clock, we have some fun things

planned. I think we might change your mind about Thanksgiving.

Well, I suppose it might be interesting.

Great. We'll see you then. All right.

Thank you.

Honey? Bigger turkey.

And I'm getting screwed on the payments on my x -ray equipment.

I won't own it outright for another 47 years.

Until then, the bank owns my soul.

But I'm optimistic.

You sure he needs this much powder?

I may be over -powdering.

So what are you guys doing for Thanksgiving?

Okay, about 20 minutes until turkey. Let's say we play a little running

charades. Is that it, Jimmy?

You're in the kitchen. All right, we got it. You got your titles ready, Bert?

Oh, look out.

Okay. What do you got? Good luck. Meat.

We'll see who's meat and who's not so much meat. Uh -huh. Okay, the first

is Puff the Magic Dragon.

All right, that's good, you know, because it's a little absurd.

It's a song.

Four words.

One word.

First word.

First word.

One syllable.

Oh.

Smoke. Ring.

Cigarette. One toke over the line.

Okay, puff.

Three fingers. Not three fingers of ease.

Third word.

Second word.

Two syllables.

Sleeve. Lint. Disappear.

Magic. Magic or puff? Magic. Magic.

Yes,

that's amazing.

What's the next one?

E -T.

Swan Lake.

Where the wild things are.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

A -B -C -D -E -T. E -T.

Ready? E -T.

Oh, very good. Number three. It's a book. Are you there, God? It's me,

Oh.

The miracle worker.

Oh, charades.

Bless you.

Are you there, Peter? I lost my wallet.

Are you there, George? Because you look like Isabel.

Hello? Hey, Joe. Do you want to give it a go?

Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret. Are you there, God? It's

me, Margaret. Excellent.

Next one is the pina colada song, also known as...

If you like pina coladas, I'll accept either answer.

I will saw a woman in half now.

Where has gone my sleeve?

I have an egg behind my ear.

You should do this professionally.

Are we ahead?

Oh, I can't tell you that. It's very unethical. Okay. But I'll say this. You

walk now.

Yes. Okay, what's the last clue? The Thieving Macpire. Okay.

What? It's an opera by Rossini. What, are you kidding me?

with pie.

Take it out, baby, now.

Uh, buttony, buttony, blend, blend, blend, drink.

That's a car, a pina colada song. Yeah!

Hiya, pup.

Hi. Pina colada song.

Acceptable. What's the last one? The Thieving Mac Pie.

Got it, Thieving Mac.

The Pie Eaters.

The bad piper who stole things.

Bless you.

Any ideas?

I think he's gone over.

Are you never gone? It's me, Margaret.

Aren't you?

Bless you.

You know, you may be allergic to something.

Yeah? Like what? I don't know.

Let's explore.

So, how long have you been in this country?

It's a dog food.

Bless you. Hey, you're allergic to dog food. Too bad. That may be all one gets

to eat.

food, which means she's not allergic to Murray.

That makes me happy.

Jamie, I have to eat something. Oh, for God's sake, feed your guests.

I'm very hungry. Me too. I can eat a pound and a half of this stuff.

I don't care.

Ear.

Ear infection.

Ear plank.

Ear port 77.

Yeah, I don't know.

I want you to say it one more time. Hold on.

The Thieving Magpie.

Happy Thanksgiving.