Original subtitles

Come on, Mabel. Just say anything.

On Wisconsin.

Oh, my God. Did you hear that?

Mabel just spoke. Oh, she did not. Right there. It was her first words.

Uh -huh. And what were they? She just said, on Wisconsin.

I see.

Hey, I'm surprised as you are, but you're clear as a bell. You said, on

Wisconsin. Why would she really?

Why? Because, I don't know, maybe she hates Michigan.

All right.

Tell her you'd marry her all over again.

Tell her you love her more than yesterday.

but not as much as tomorrow.

Tell her that next Thursday you will love her more than next Wednesday, but

quite as much as a week from Saturday, while in the month of July, oh, how

you'll know. Oh, he loves her.

What's that? More than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow. That's so

Oh, sweetie, not to burst your bubble, but, you know, he's an actor.

Would you do it all again? What?

Marry me.

You mean now that I know you're sappy?

I'm serious.

I'm sure you would marry me again right now if we met today.

Instantly. Instantly I would.

Then let's do it.

Do what? Let's renew our vows.

Okay, I don't... Basically, I don't even know what that means. Let's renew our

vows. Let's get married again in front of God and everybody.

Okay, God maybe, but another seating chart, frankly, my head would explode.

It's been such a long time.

Yes, but it's sort of like the whole, it's a vow.

It's a vow.

Once a vow is a vow, that's a vow.

Yes, but we're not who we were then. Look at us. We're sleep deprived.

We're knee deep in work and poop and projectile squash.

Honey, we're the same people, essentially. We're just, you know.

We're just a little more disgusting.

Those are the people that need to renew their vows. The disgusting people?

There are new things to say, things we didn't know when we got married at the

age of 14.

We weren't 14. We were young. We weren't that young. Oh, we were so young. Okay,

okay, we were very young.

Thank you. Can I tell you something? When we gave our vows the first time,

promised, and I said, I'm going to, you know, swear to respect and honor and

tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, that still stands

now. That's fine.

Can we please discuss this maybe another time? Like, I don't know, never?

My throat is doing something horrendous inside. Oh, suck it up.

I'm sorry? I'm going to be folding laundry until about the year 2006.

I have a few of my own problems, okay?

Oh, I see. So I'm guessing in sickness and in health, not a big part of the new

vows.

I just came by to drop off a present for my favorite baby. Is she going to love

this or what?

A truck?

Yeah. Why?

A truck?

What's wrong with you? What is wrong with her? What is wrong with you?

What's wrong with you? I got a throat thing going on. Oh, God. All right.

me. Let me see if we have any sniffling, sneezing. My husband's a big wussy

medicine. You're so sparkly.

Is everything okay?

Huh? Yeah, it's fine. All right.

Hey, Mabel, look what Uncle Ira brought you a present. Can you say truck, huh?

Truck? Can you say truck?

Wow. Wow. Did you hear that?

What? She just spoke. She just spoke. She did? Yeah, she just said sausages

free.

I think it was good.

She just said, she just said, sausages are free.

Honey, did you hear that? It was gurgling.

All right.

Where's that from, anyway? Like, is that from the Bible or something?

Sausages are free?

Yeah.

Yes, yes, it's from the Bible. Yes, it is.

Book of Jimmy Dean, chapter 3, verse 12.

Oh, like you're Cardinal Cushing.

Oh, boy, it's like a knife being shoved down my esophagus.

Like broken shards of glass, you know, like swallowing the whole glass, like a

gunny sack of ouch is surrounding the whole thing. Oh, my God, tea, okay?

Sweetie, this is something. This is no kidding around. I'm calling Dr. Hazel

Coyne. It's a sore throat. Drink your tea and don't talk for eight seconds.

Hi, this is Paul Buckman. Here is the situation. I can no longer swallow.

I'm like hot lava.

Like a sword swallow, first day on the job.

Picture like a thousand nails are being... I'm just trying to give you a

Wednesday, next Wednesday. That's kind of... It's like rusted barbed wire being

pushed down my windpipe.

Tomorrow? Well, that's better.

To be quite honest with you, picture like hot baking grease. You pour it down

your wall gullet and, you know, get the burnings. I'll be right over. Thank you.

Did you just say you've got mail?

Hey, guess what I am. What are you?

You are looking at a little Miss Mentor.

I don't know what you're saying to me.

It's like big sisters. I've been selected to give valuable life guidance

little girl.

I don't know, where did they select you? I used all your resume and put my name

on it. Lisa!

Man, that Yale thing you did, I really get that now.

Oops.

Oops. Emily.

You left her in the hall? She has to learn to love herself.

Emily, this is Jamie.

Hi, Jamie. Hi, Emily. It's very nice to meet you.

Excuse me, Emily. One second. Okay, Emily, we have a big day, okay? We need

energy food.

Do you have donuts?

Hello?

Never mind. We'll figure it out. Whenever you go to a person's house, you

take their donuts.

So what'd they say? You gonna pull through?

Oh, my God. You're kidding. Today?

Oh, my God. Okay.

I'll be right there.

Come on, you cute thing. We're gonna go see Daddy in the hospital. He has to

have his tonsils out.

Ich bin ein Berliner.

Ich bin ein Berliner?

Sorry. It's okay.

I didn't know you were really sick.

How could you know? I'm sorry I told you to suck it up. Get it.

I'm sorry I brought you tea only grudgingly.

Didn't even pick that up.

Tell me what you need. Is there anything I can do for you?

You'll be happy to know. I'm in excellent hands here.

You really shouldn't be making him talk.

That really hurts, doesn't it?

Those great big tonsils can be painful. And you've got the biggest tonsils I've

ever seen.

This is Jamie and Mabel over there. Hello, Mabel.

Oh, you were right. She is adorable.

I heard about you, too.

You did?

You know, I really can't blame you for not noticing little medical things,

so busy and all.

Honey, I had to talk about something during the sponge bath.

I picked these out just for you.

Anything strike your fancy?

I'll be right back.

All right, listen, if you...

That's the fastest I ever hated anyone.

She's a bad son. All right.

I get it, all right? What? If I won't help you, the pretty girl will. I get

Good. So, get over?

No.

Paul, you poor guy. Your tonsils. I feel so terrible. Are you going to be okay?

I hope so. Bye.

That's not you in your face.

Who's the little girl?

Lisa's protege.

Why?

Polly, Polly, Polly, look at you.

Spanky, is this something?

What are you, like 40 now and getting your tonsils out?

So? No, no, it's cool. There's a six -year -old next door with an enlarged

prostate.

Mommy's here.

Okay, I'm officially seven.

How do you feel?

Shh, don't talk.

What'd they say?

Shh, don't talk.

Who is this doctor and why didn't you call Dr. Fishman?

Shh, don't talk.

Angel. Come here, come here, come here, come here. She's there.

Mrs.

Roycroft's granddaughter said her first word. We're hoping soon, Sylvia. Yeah,

do you know what Polly's first word was?

Mama. Shocking.

Can you say grandma?

Mabel. Can you say truck?

Can you say truck?

Truck. Who gives a girl a truck?

It's a brave new world, Ansel.

You know what? When I was a kid, I had my tonsils out. Everybody ate ice cream.

Oh, me too. Hey, maybe we should get ice cream after.

Yeah. You want Haagen -Dazs or Ben & Jerry's? Haagen -Dazs is right around

corner. Oh, but Ben & Jerry's, my God. I'm telling you, Starbucks Java Chip.

Unbelievable. I hear that's so good. So good.

It's almost time.

Now, I know you're probably scared, but don't you worry that handsome head.

With the anesthesia, you won't feel a thing. And when it's over and you wake

I'll be there.

Oh, thank God.

Such a pretty girl. I wish I had another son.

Sweetie? Yeah?

Listen, I want your face to be the last thing I see.

Just in case, you know? What, just in case?

Well, listen, with general anesthesia, you never know. Anything could happen.

Tut, tut, tut, tut. Those words never came out of your mouth. That's a long

shot. No, no, tut, tut, tut.

It's time, Mr. Buckman. Okay, it's time.

Thank you, Gino. All right, here we go.

You okay?

I always make that noise.

Hey, Polly, here we go right this way. You know something? You're going to be

just fine.

And then you're going to play with your daughter and her truck. Can you say

truck? Truck.

Come on, say it, Navel.

Truck. Schmuck.

Oh, my God.

Sweetie, she spoke.

Schmuck. Yeah, that's the good news.

Bad news is she's grounded.

Schmuck. Oi.

Schmuck.

Mr. and Mrs.

Roycroft. Ansel, it'll be fine.

Undo this.

Okay. Hey, can you say mama?

It's hard not to take it personally when she's looking right at you.

Mr. Buckman, the doctor is waiting. Yeah, okay.

Would everybody just excuse me? I'd like a minute alone with my wife, please.

What is this?

I just... I just want to say something to you.

Should anything happen... I mean, I know it won't, but better safe than sorry.

What is this?

I want you to know that you are the single greatest blessing I have ever

received. I mean, I don't know why we're put here on this earth. I don't know

what they want from us, except I have always known that I am supposed to be by

your side and taking care of you and having a family with you and making you

happy.

In a universe that's like 99 % disappointment, you are the one sure

You are the proof that life is good.

You are my life.

What the hell's the matter with you?

How could you do this to me?

What? They're going to operate on you in four seconds. You give me a speech like

that? I was fine.

Can you say hand, huh?

Please, hands.

Can you say jello?

Sure. Can you say Lillian B. Saltzman, Memorial Corridor? Sure. Keep

working.

Come on.

Hello.

A beautiful baby.

Yes.

Schmuck.

I'm sorry.

Schmuck. Is there something I can do for you?

No, not really, but thank you.

Okay.

You know, actually, you know what? Yes?

Sell me.

I'm sorry.

I mean, I am not a religious man. No disrespect, but, you know, I got a

that I run and I date a little bit.

And, you know, I'm curious, and if you could maybe sell me, that would be

Well, that's really not something I do.

Oh.

What is your, uh... Pardon my ignorance, but what is your conglomeration?

I sort of represent everybody.

Yeah.

It's wild, you know. I actually, uh... I've actually never prayed.

Would you like to?

It's all right?

Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, sure. Okay, good.

And thanks for coming.

You know, I would like, please, if it's no trouble, health and happiness for my

entire family.

World peace, please.

And an end to all suffering.

That would be nice.

I would also like to meet a nice woman. You know, if you have an extra.

Oh, and could you please send some consistent pitching for the Yankees in

playoffs? Sure.

And, you know, an end to world hunger.

Oh, and I'll tell you, I would love to see South Pacific revived again.

you know, as you know, that's one hell of a good show.

Oh, damn, I just said hell.

Oh, crap, I just said damn.

This is not easy.

What else? What else? Oh, an end to disease.

The return of candy cigarettes.

I guess...

I guess that's about it.

She not.

Yeah, Mabel.

You know, you'd get me out of a major doghouse if you could clean up Mabel's

mouth. Yeah.

That's it.

Okay, thank you.

So, uh, hallelujah.

Signing off.

I rejoice in your house.

Thou have a nice day.

Uh, happy trails to you.

Smoke them if you got them.

Hang on. Help me out here. How do I end one of these things?

That was fine.

Yeah, really?

How'd it go? Is he okay?

He should be coming out of it soon. Was everything routine? Were there any

surprises, any complications?

Step away from the patient, please.

I'm sorry, but you really can't come in yet. But when he wakes up, I'll be sure

to tell him how much you care.

Uh, Diane.

Is it Diane?

Yeah. Come here.

Sweetie?

Oh, my God, don't ever die.

Give me my Romeo.

And when he shall die, take him and cut him out in little stars and make the

face of heaven so fine that all the world will be in love with night.

Did I ever tell you I played Juliet in the fifth grade?

I did.

Opposite Stephen Palumbo's Romeo.

Wait. What an actor he was. He started crying during my monologue when he was

supposed to be dead because he said I was leaning on his arm.

Oh, my God, don't ever die.

I have so much more to tell you, and I'm not interested in telling it to anyone

else.

And I'm not saying I'd be helpless. I mean, I'm bright and fairly good with

money.

I mean, I guess I'm cute, right?

You would say, what, are you kidding me?

You, my little friend, are a perfect example of beautiful.

And so I am.

Because I am nothing more or less than what I see in your eyes when you look at

me.

Do you know how long I waited for you?

My mother used to say I was too picky or afraid of commitment, and that's why I

was still unmarried by the age of almost 30. But the truth is, I was...

Just looking for you.

Do you know how close I came to being a narrow, cold, mistrustful woman? That

you have given me a life so big and full and good and

fun. I don't even know what we do, really, besides clean up and complain

wish we were sleeping. But with you, somehow, fun.

And I'll tell you a secret.

When we got married, I couldn't imagine still wanting to be with anyone all this

time later.

But I do.

It's a miracle to me. You are a miracle.

You've made me happy, which is something I never, ever thought I'd be.

Sweetie? Diane?

What?

Moishe Diane.

I have an eye problem.

I don't know. I don't want to stare at my throat.

And I came out and I went, Diane.

Oh, my good God. Diane.

No, I was thinking.

Diane Sawyer did a piece on hospitals, remember?

Where are you going? Where are you going? Don't go. Oh, don't go, James.

James. No!

So what I'd really like to ask, Lord, is why do I always have to

play a chip?

I mean, I can be tough.

Watch this.

Fredo, you broke my heart.

You're talking to me?

You can't handle a troll.

Leave the gun.

Take the cannolis.

Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape.

Silent Green is people.

So, what do you say, Lord?

Just asking.

In front.