Original subtitles

Not like a half a cup.

waiting with that? A little while.

Tell me who can start my heart as much as you.

Tell me all your secrets. I'll tell you most of mine.

They say nobody's perfect.

Well, that's really true this time.

I don't have an answer.

I don't have a plan.

All I have to do is, oh baby, help me understand.

What we do.

You can whisper in my ear. Where we go.

Who knows what happens after here.

Let's take each other's hand and jump into the final frontier.

Mabel, this is funny. This is going to get a laugh out of you. There's a laugh

in there, and I'm going to get it. Here it is. This is the funniest thing ever.

You ready?

Here it is.

That's physical comedy.

Mabel, who's ticklish?

Who's ticklish?

Some babies, not so much ticklish.

That's okay.

We got other funny things. This is funny. Watch.

Daddy's waving goodbye.

He's saying bye, Mabel. He's walking away, but he's not looking where he's

going. There's a champ! Whoa!

Oh, are you all right?

Is she laughing?

No, then ow.

We should go.

Ow. Aren't you late?

Oh, yeah, but you know what? It's all right. I don't care.

I'm finding it very hard to get excited about this job today. It's a

documentary. Just barely.

The making of the making of Titanic.

It's all a big hit film. Yeah, but it's so parasitic.

I'm not even glomming off a big hit movie. I'm glomming off the glom. So

taking her this morning, and Ira's going to meet you there to help you watch

her? Yeah, I got you, I got you, and then I lose Ira at once. You know what

do? I'll let the crew eat lunch at one. When Ira goes, I'll take a cab.

I'll drop the baby off at you, and then, I don't know, I'll grab a hot dog or

something on the way back in the cab, and I'll be nauseous all the way to

Brooklyn. Okay.

That works out well for you? Yeah.

Okay. Here we go.

Honey, we can do this easily and gracefully. Ow!

Honey, it doesn't make her laugh.

No, I know. I'm saying literally, ow.

Mabel, listen to this.

A rabbi, a priest, and a lawyer, they're in our lifeboat.

Really? I'm trying something.

Okay.

Okay, so when you made your film, The Making of Titanic, you interviewed James

Cameron, the director, didn't you?

Yeah.

What was that like? Oh, it was great.

Did he have stories? Did he have any stories that he shared with you? Yeah,

told this great story about how one night the boat, they couldn't get the

model boat to sit in the water right, I guess.

So they had to put an orange on the side of it.

or something. I'm not sure exactly what they did.

But it was a great story.

It's in Making of the Titanic.

So your film came out pretty good then, huh? Yeah.

Hey,

hey, could you, like, maybe get her to cry louder?

Yeah, she can cry louder. Okay.

You know what?

Let's cut, all right?

Hush, little baby, don't you cry.

Or Ira's going to gouge out his own eye.

You spend a lot of time around kids, do you? Hey, I could spend less.

Okay, okay.

I know what you... You need something funny. You need to laugh. You ready?

this.

What is that? That's Popeye. Okay, I'll gladly pay you Tuesday to stop doing

that today.

I'll get you a juice.

You could take a nap, by the way.

Excuse me. Do you by any chance have any shrimp?

What? Shrimp. Do you have any shrimp on you?

Sadly, no. Oh, shoot.

Darn. You know, I brought the basil for the shrimp creole for the catering

table, and then I brought the onion, and I got the salt, and the white pepper,

and the black pepper, and the cayenne pepper, and the oregano, and I got the

celery rib.

You got the celery rib, didn't you? Oh, yeah, I got the celery rib. Good. And I

got the olive oil and the cloves, and I have everything except for... You want

to guess?

Shrimp? Yes. Yes.

Okay. You know what? Excuse me one second. I'm kind of busy. Do you have

thoughts? What?

Because I have the Creole sauce made, so I have to make something Creole, and

I'm wondering what kind... What are you in the mood for?

Creole donuts or Creole pork bar, Creole Cap 'n Crunch, which he was, by the

way. He was what? Creole. He was a Cap 'n... Creole Cap 'n Crunch.

Cap 'n Crunch the man. He was a Creole.

Okay, I'm sorry, what is your name? Nancy. Nancy, okay, forgive me, but A, I

have to go take care of my daughter, and two, who are you?

Oh, C, or three, I mean, who are you to bring a baby on the soundstage then?

D, I'm the director.

Oh. E, Gads, that's a good baby.

That's a beautiful baby. Isn't that a beautiful baby?

You don't have to say that. No, that is a, that's a, oh my, I was sucking up

before, but that is a beautiful baby.

Now, look, I'll tell you why you're crying, because you're two feet tall,

you type like zero words a minute, and you're wearing a leisure suit covered in

ducks, apparently.

Let it out. Go on.

Okay,

how do you do that?

Oldest of 11 kids.

Really?

Susie, Raymond, Michael, Tierney, Tiffany, Tammy, Harry, Patsy, Pablo.

in Italy for Pablo.

Okay, you know what? Jennifer. What's that? Last one, Jennifer.

Okay, good.

Okay, well. All right, everybody, let's shoot some film, shall we?

Rolling.

Okay.

Oh, let's just take a break.

Mr. Carville, don't you want to come out of there now, sir?

I'm sure the stapler just flipped out of your wife, Ms.

Madeline's hands.

Shut up, Henry.

Okay.

Don't tell me they're fighting again. Well, I mean, she missed him, if that's

any... Ms. Madeline, won't you please tell Mr. Carville that you know that

staples are sharp and heavy items and it's bad to throw them at your life and

business partner?

Never!

Okay.

Could you imagine? I have a Ph .D.

Mr. Carville!

Shut up, Henry.

Pressure on these people is unbelievable.

I don't know how they... Ms. Madeline! Shut up, Henry!

Why don't we begin by going over both of your schedules this morning? Shut up,

Henry. Shut up, Henry. Okay.

All right.

Okay.

Henry, are you all right?

Oh, hi, Jamie. When did you get in?

Henry? You know, Jamie, I just realized something.

What's that?

Well, it's the craziest thing.

What? Really, just the damnedest thing. Uh -huh.

Well, Jamie, just this minute, I ran out of... Nice.

I don't understand.

I ran out of nice.

Just now. I have no nice left for these people.

You did not run out of nice. You're the nicest man in the world. I'm out of

nice. Believe me.

You know, maybe I should... What is it?

Well, hold on.

Pentagon on line three. Anyone give a crap?

You look absurd in that sweater.

What are you laughing at? Your wife is sleeping with him.

Did I come in a bad time?

Bite me!

All right, sir.

What's the matter with him? He's out of nice.

That's a shame. Yeah.

Why are you wet?

It's such a... Would you please take our daughter? Oh, no, no, no, no, sweetie.

Of course, any day. But today, as you can see, we're having a total meltdown.

No, no, no, no, no. You promised. I don't know why. Why do I still have a

here? Why? I'm so sorry. I would take her any day other than today. Sweetie,

this is a perfect example of a type of day when I need you to take her. Okay,

thanks. Mabel.

Mabel.

Peek -a -boo!

He's going to make a laugh. Yeah.

Where's Mabel? Where's Mabel going? There she is. She knows where she is.

Where's Mabel? I don't understand. Don't you know where you are? Look where you

are. Yeah, she knows where she is, sweetie.

This is not a good situation that we have here. Really? I know.

I mean, look, you're Harry, and I'm squishing. I'm squishing. We'll talk

it later. Promise me we're going to talk about this tonight.

I promise you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You keep going.

You've got the momentum.

Uh -oh.

Oh, out of the way. Out of the way. Out of the way. Okay, here I come. Stop on

the next floor down. Oh, man, what did people do before elevators when they

a kid in an elevator?

Hey,

hey, hey.

Hi. Hi.

Are you all right? She's all right.

Oh, God.

You all right? I'm all right.

Am I all right? You're all right.

She's saying everybody's all right.

It's okay, sweetie. Daddy's very sorry.

Hey!

Okay,

everybody.

I'm back. Sorry for the delay.

Oh, hey, how you doing? Hi, hey, how are you? How are you? I'm fine. I'm fired,

actually, but I'm fine. How are you?

What do you mean, you're fired? Yeah, the guy from the studio. He came down

he told me he was going to let me go.

Let me go. Like, that's a euphemism, isn't it? Like, I'm trying to go

Like, I'm trying to rip myself away when, in fact, what they're saying is,

go, and don't let the Creole hit you in the ass on the way out, and the next

time a director asks you to take care of his baby because he's unable to, don't

forget to turn the burner off.

I feel terrible about that. Don't you worry about a thing. I don't even know

I wanted this job in the first place. I didn't even really like the job. Oh,

that's right, the money. I needed the money to pay rent and to live and to

But other than that, I don't think I really needed it. But thank you.

I'm so sorry that happened. Don't worry about it. Hey, I have some leftovers.

Do you want anything? I have like a smoked almond or a snaffle or a spray

cheese. Really not. I'm so sorry. Creamer?

No. Tic Tacs? No. Nothing eggs? No, really.

You know, I wish you the best of luck. If you ever need a reference or

anything...

I couldn't be more sorry. Mr. Buckman, I do have that periodontal appointment.

Yes, okay.

Again, I am so, so, so sorry.

Okay, sweetie.

Let's, me, Mabel, and Daddy go make a documentary.

So sorry that happened to you. All right, everybody, back to position.

roll cameras.

Rolling. All right. Sorry for the delays. It's been a little crazy here.

short -handed, so I... Okay.

So, you are the editor of the film, The Making of Titanic.

without which our film, the making of the making of Titanic, would just be the

making of Titanic, and I feel just a little less stupid right now.

It's very nice to be here.

Good. Now, I understand you have some outtakes that you brought of actual film

with James Cameron, the director, that you chose not to use in the making of

Titanic. Yes. Yeah, well, that's pretty exciting, huh?

Yes. Yeah.

Let's take a look.

What the hell is this?

Rose, Rose.

Wowee. You know, we shot some much better stuff.

Well, let's do that. We used it already.

It's in the making of Titanic.

You used the good stuff, sure.

Here's something.

So my very first idea, the initial conception of the film was to use

that was... Sorry, we're ordering. lunch what would you like um you know i'll

have a chopped salad okay no you know what maybe a sandwich i'll do the tuna

sandwich no mayo okay great no you know what you know what let's go back chopped

salad okay if they have tomatoes that'd be great oh okay uh the other

actors you get any little pieces leonardo or kate or Even Billy Zane

that.

Here's something.

What about that part when he goes, shagalicious, baby, what is it?

Yeah, baby, shagalicious.

That was great. I love that part.

You chose not to use this in your film, you're saying?

We didn't think America would be interested.

Watch me put it to good use.

Okay,

shoo, shoo, shoo. Okay, all right. You know what? Let's cut, gang. Okay, all

right. May I?

Yeah, please. Sorry.

Hey, hello, Little A. Little A, do you know what you're doing?

Do you know what you're doing? You're single -handedly ruining the making of

making of Titanic.

Now, you keep causing a scandal like that, they're going to have to make the

making of the making of the making of Titanic.

You don't want to be responsible for that, do you?

No, no.

Okay?

That's...

I'm taking you home with me. Excuse me?

No, I got a proposition for you. Excuse me? No, all good, all good.

Just don't use the word nanny. No, okay.

Yeah, because when you think of a nanny, you think of an old Ukrainian woman who

wears her hair in a bun and hasn't had a bath since Thanksgiving. Sure. The rest

of Thanksgiving, which is in...

Well, a long time ago. Yeah, okay, forget that. Either that or you think of

Poppins. Is that what you're looking for, like a Mary Poppins? No, not at

I kind of wanted to be Mary Poppins.

Anytime. You can be Mary Poppins. We'll get you a nice big umbrella. You can

stand on a fake roof and sing with Dick Van Dyke. Whatever you do, just keep

doing that.

What? Just taking care of my daughter like that.

Oh.

You know, I am a chef by trade. Yes, no, of course you are. Yeah.

I mean, I was a star at the Culinary Institute. No, I know that. Until I...

I made gumbo one day and I blew the porch off the back of the building.

They told me that I had genius in my ladle.

I'll bet you they meant it, too.

Although I am broke.

Sure. Yeah, because I got fired from that job. You were working on the film

where I was getting paid. Yes, no, I was getting paid.

And she is the most adorable child I've ever seen in my life.

You know, with the little eyes and the little nose.

And the little, look at the little laugh and the little tongue. The fingernails

and the little tongue in the ears.

Yes, in the ears and the beds.

Hi. Hi. How was the rest of your day? Well, Henry Vincent finally called.

good. Yeah, from Juarez, Mexico.

That's not good.

And how was the rest of the making of the making of the... Shouldn't be making

it, I'll tell you that. Yeah.

Listen, we really got to talk about the reality of our little situation here. I

think it's time we bring somebody in here to... Please don't use the word

Oh, believe me. What is wrong with us? We can't raise our child by ourselves?

Sweetie, this afternoon we almost shipped our daughter down to Lower

I mean, look, we have to get somebody in here. So I don't want to not get

somebody just so we can feel like we're better parents because we don't have

somebody. No, you're right. You know? And we should act now instead of waiting

until we accidentally mail her off to Bolivia or something.

Do you know how hard it is to find the right person? I mean, my God, we have to

look at resumes. We have to make sure the person's qualified.

What if Mabel doesn't like her? It could take us months and months.

Hello.

This is Nancy Bloom.

Nancy, this is my wife, Jamie. Hi.

Hi there.

You know, sweetie, Nancy is somebody that I think we should really seriously

consider to be our child -rearing helper. No. Our child specialist

No. Our person of baby helping. No. Our infant monitoring. No. Our specialist.

No. Our baby. Okay, you know what? Whatever it is, I think she's very good.

I ask your qualifications for the job?

I was a cook and a little mistake prone.

I see.

I started a few fires.

Oh, we should fire her right up. Yeah.

Just one second. I have a really strong... I can't hear. I know. One

When you're facing that, I can't hear. Okay. You know what? Here's the thing,

sweetie.

I have a gut instinct about Nancy, and I really hope you just trust that.

I'm sure you're wonderful, of course. I trust your instincts. It's just I don't

think you should... Thank you very much. I don't think you should go offering

your child to a stranger just because you have a gut feeling. I think that's

crazy. I think she's hungry. You're absolutely right. She is hungry. I have

applesauce right here in my bag. Okay. I mean, it has to be more scientific than

that. Who wants some food? Who's a hungry baby? Who's a hungry girl in

whole life?

I'm not arguing with her, of course. We're just going to go off half -cut?

White spoon?

Yes, exactly. Okay. The couch is good, right? She loves to eat on the couch.

do you... about some applesauce. Honey, we're going to have to sit down and find

some qualified candidates. No, I know, I know. Oh, my God. And then maybe, if

we're lucky, we'll find somebody.

Oh, this isn't applesauce at all. I think... Why, it's bourbon.

Okay,

how did you do that? You know what? She probably just got the joke about the

rabbi and the priest.

Tell you what, we've got to do something about these sleeping arrangements, huh?

You are a great audience, you know that?

Come again.