Original subtitles

Cheese, cheese, cheese.

There they are. Thank you.

All right, say what you're giving me when you're ready.

Here's a question. Did I just take a shower?

What? You were just in there.

I was fully clothed, and then I don't remember, and then fully clothed with,

like, dripping.

Are you okay?

I'm just so exhausted, and I got this bruise on my thigh. I don't understand.

So what you're saying is you're not able to go to disco night at my office.

Have you not read a paper in the last 20 years? You know, disco is dead. That's

incorrect. It was dead. Now it's back. It's having a whole retro thing. I'm

aware of that. I'm saying the retro thing is dead already.

No, it's not. Come on. Come on. Dance with me.

What is that?

Don't you remember John Travolta, the movie? Come on. You remember with the...

Come on.

Dance with me. I don't dance. That's because you don't dance. If you dance,

you dance. But you don't dance, so you don't dance.

Say dance one more time, you know we get a free hat.

That's quite an arm on the little girl.

If you'd just dance with me, I'd quit hounding you. Ow!

My lungs hurt. Can that be?

Hey there.

Oh, there. Hi, Dad. There he is. Hey there, Marie Kaelin, the queen of pies.

Hey there, Marie Lou Retton. Sweetie, can you find the keys?

Honey?

Paul?

Paul! I'm up. I'm up.

You fall asleep on the floor?

So, what is that, a bad thing?

You poor thing, you're exhausted.

This is what I'm saying.

What are you, what are you, you caught the insomnia bug there, Mr. Bugman? No,

it's the weirdest thing. I fall asleep, I'm sleeping, but then I wake up, I'm so

tired. Huh, you know, you could have, you could have a touch of the apnea.

What's that? The apnea.

Sleep apnea?

Yeah, it's when you stop breathing and you sleep for very short little periods

of time. It makes for a very restless night.

I know this because my mammy was afflicted. Poor thing. She used to wake

the wee hours of the morning snorting like a sea lion.

I'm so sorry.

You know, we did, though. We took her to a sleep clinic.

They had her spend a night there. They ran a battery test out. They fixed her

right up. You think I got the apnea? I'm sure you're fine. And if it'll make you

feel better, we'll take you to a sleep clinic.

Really? We'll get you all rested up and ready for disco night.

Oh, can't wait.

You ever see that movie, then, that with the... Oh, sure, yeah, yeah.

Mr. Buckman, do you mind if I pick your brain here for a second?

Metaphorically speaking, of course. Oh, sure, go ahead.

It's about a girl.

Really? Yeah, why?

No, I just... Oh, no, go ahead, go ahead.

It's somebody that you know quite well, actually. It's someone to whom I formed

quite a little attachment.

Oh, oh, oh, man, man, all right.

Let me see if I can explain this to you gently, but thoroughly.

Mrs. Buckman and I are married, okay? Oh, no, please, Mr. Buckman, no. Come

please. No, please, I'm talking about your babysitter. Oh, Arlie?

Arlie, yes, yes.

I just think she's sweeter than a gooseberry pie.

Yes, she's a gooseberry. She is. The thing is, I'm in a state here, Mr.

I can't stop thinking about her.

It's affecting my work. Oh, that's no good. Yeah, just yesterday, I'm out

walking Murray.

I accidentally, I left one of his offerings right there in front of Bagel

Now, listen, I don't blame you. Listen, even Willie Mays couldn't catch them

all. The thing is, Arlie, she's not like the girls that I'm used to courting

there. I see. Well, what type of girls are you used to courting there, Nat?

Well, debutantes, mostly.

Debutantes? Mostly, yeah.

Debutantes, socialites.

The dogs I walk, they tend to... They tend to travel in some pretty heady

circles. Oh, sure.

They're probably pooping in front of the rich.

The thing is, these women...

They ask me out. You know, they take me places. I'm basically, I'm along for the

ride, you know. I don't know, I think I'm like spoiled. I think I've become

complacent with it. It's like, it's like I'm a girl toy, if you will.

You're a girl toy? If you will, yeah, you know.

The thing with Artie, though, is with her, I'd have to do the asking.

I'm just, I'm as scared as a chihuahua on Christmas morning here.

The point is, I'm scared.

You're scared.

It's a very funny thing. I remember very, very clearly asking Judy Finver to

sixth grade square dance. But you know what?

You did it anyway.

Did it anyway. I sucked it up, and I walked over to her at lunch, and I asked

her like a man. You know what happened?

Did she say yes? No. She said no. She scoffed.

She mocked me.

She mocked me, and she told her friends, and her friends mocked me, and they did

a whole skit about it at Talent Night.

well into high school before people stopped mocking me about walking over to

Judy for me.

Oy. Yeah.

So if you don't want to ask a woman out, just don't because they'll kill you,

these people.

They'll kill you. You just, you know, lay back. Let her come to you.

So you're saying I should just, I should stay.

Just stay.

Right. Stay. Stay. Stay.

Yes, good. Good. Good neck. Because I'll tell you, sometimes, sometimes doing

nothing is the most sane thing a man can do.

You're like a wise old tree. I get that a lot.

Are you coming to bed?

Just a second, baby.

First, we are going to do a little mirror adjustment.

I figure we should try something new, you know? Take a little peek at

Okay, Barbara.

I'm thinking of a number between one and a hundred.

Seven. That's it.

What's wrong?

I look like that?

It was the most horrifying thing I ever saw.

You having sex?

Yes. It was like watching a sick walrus trying to climb over a rock.

Ira, you're so far from a walrus.

I am all flanks and pale skin.

I have no ass.

It's like at some point my back, it becomes the top of my legs.

I should never be naked. And when I am, I should just lie perfectly still.

What's the matter with you?

I think I got the apnea.

The sleep apnea? Yeah, I go to sleep, I wake up, I just, I don't feel so, I

feel...

What are you doing, throwing out books?

Yeah, dirty books.

Why? Because I told you I am done with sex and everything having to do with it.

You're not done with sex. I am so done with sex, you have no idea. You just

started. I'm done with it. You're not done. Just stop telling me I'm not done.

Nobody looks good having sex.

What are you, crazy women? They look great having sex.

Okay, but only them.

I mean... What, are you throwing out videotapes? Yeah, filthy videos.

Actually, because you're done with sex. That's right.

Hey, hey, that's a copy of Buckman. Yeah, I know, I taped over it.

Let me ask you a question.

What? How much time of your life do you think you spend actually having sex?

I don't know, but maybe 10 % of the time. Okay, and what about thinking

sex?

Uh, 40%. Okay, and then...

Angling for sex. What are you saying to me? I'm saying without sex, what are

you? You're a guy in an empty apartment.

What is that?

Three percent.

You can't cut sex out of your life.

Without sex, what are you going to do with your time? I don't know.

Chess? Bonsai gardening?

Bonsai. Okay, what do you do with this? What do you think?

Chatty today.

Hi. Jamie, can I ask you a question?

Sure. It's about Nat.

The answer is yes.

What? He always wears the jacket.

No, no, that's not what I meant. What I want to say, how should I put this? Do

you think Nat is eccentric?

What do you mean eccentric?

Well, not eccentric like he thinks he's a carton of orange juice.

Not that kind of eccentric.

But eccentric like...

The guy who does think he's a carton of orange juice, Nat would buy him lunch.

And he's exactly that kind of eccentric.

And that's a good kind of eccentric. Very good. So I'm not crazy for liking

right?

Do you mean liking him liking him?

Yeah. Oh, my God, no.

Oh, Nat's the sweetest guy in the world. This is great news.

So good. So I'm just going to seduce him.

Well, I mean, not just yet. I mean, eventually.

I'll ask about the dinner. No, no, no, Arlie. Arlie, Nat, shy. Very shy. No,

no, Arlie, don't ask. Don't ask. Very shy.

So, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Well, I'll be gentle. I'm sure you would. Arlie, think of Nat sort of like

stray dog.

Okay. If you rush him, he'll run away.

I see. But if you stand at a safe, comfortable distance, maybe with your

extended just a little bit, offering your face for him to smell.

He'll come running right at you.

This is a metaphor, right?

Well, no, yeah.

All

right,

Mr. Buckman.

Now, I'll be watching and recording you on that video camera, so why don't you

just lie back and get some sleep?

Okay. I will try.

I've got to say, I've never had this much space. I usually have a wife.

Well...

We have something for you.

Meet Betsy.

What do you mean, Betsy?

Or Bob.

Depending on your... orientation.

Let's say Betsy.

You know, I know it's not very scientific, but, um... We find it does

I bet it does.

Yes. She's helped me through some pretty tough times.

I recall a drizzly Halloween night just to... You know what, Doc?

I don't need all the details. All righty. Well, you should get some sleep.

Yes.

Good night, Mr. Buckman. Good night to you, Doctor.

Night, Betsy.

Betsy says goodnight.

Don't take this personally, Betsy, but... Big nut job, you little doctor

I'd like to know what kind of medical school waved him on through.

I'm sleeping like a baby.

You both look very peaceful.

Right. Which is why the doctor suspects that you may be the one with the apnea.

Sleep apnea, not the apnea. All right, whatever.

My not sleeping may well be because of you. The plague. I understand. The black

cat. All right, it's happening. The apnea. All right, so it's happening. But

your restless sleep may be giving me restless sleep, which is why I really

we should check it out. I'm fine.

Why don't we let the doctor decide?

The same doctors who put you in bed with a wooden doll?

Boom. Foam, all right? Betsy is made of foam.

Who?

Doesn't matter, but... Just, I think you should go.

Fine, I will go to the clinic.

Thank you.

Why would you say she looks wooden?

Man, I wish I was having sex.

What do you bring to a sleep clinic?

Just the bags under your eyes.

I don't have bags under my eyes. Well, then you can pack lights.

Okay, if I get a dub bar?

Sure, right in there. Please help us out. Dub bars are your dub bars.

Thank you.

Ow, now I think I hurt my coccyx. Uh -oh.

Hey, Nat. Hey there.

Oh, dear.

Hi, Nat. Could you just excuse me one second?

Sure.

Be loose. Be cool. Be not.

Roger and Wilco.

Keep inside. Every woman is a debutante. You know, you got to sit down. Let her

come to you.

Absolutely and you bitchy.

Just remember.

Stay. Stay. Stay.

Remember, let him come to you. Got it.

Tick -tock. We should go. Sleepy, sleepy. Have fun, you two.

Have fun. No pressure, but have fun.

This may sound strange, but you

look good.

I would so much rather be a disco knight.

It'll be all right.

to get to sleep. I don't need help getting to sleep, which is why I don't

to be here. All right, come on. It's just for one night, all right?

Can I have the dummy?

What do you need her for?

Because I want it.

First of all, her name is Betsy.

Is there something you want to tell me?

Just here.

tight and God bless you dear.

If I may.

Thank you.

Well, I guess I'm about done here.

I'm gonna get going.

Okay.

Just gonna head on back to my place and I'm gonna lay low.

And I'll just be here letting things happen when they happen.

If they should happen.

Okay, then, well, um... Well, see you around.

Bye, Nat.

Bye -bye.

You know what I think, Arlie? I think you're sweeter than a gooseberry pie.

I know I'm not supposed to say that, but I feel it's my duty to say that,

because if I should die tomorrow, I think you should know that I think

sweeter than a gooseberry pie.

It's very sweet, but I think that you're sweeter, even.

No, I meant what you said.

Well, I meant what I said.

No, I know.

Thank you.

Well, you know, you deserve it.

Okay. Well, I'm free to die now.

I'll see you around.

Nat, wait.

Come and bake.

Maybe you could stay a little longer and we could go out for a little dinner or

something.

I could maybe. I could maybe. I could maybe. I could maybe.

I could maybe.

I could stay.

So,

how'd it go?

Oh, just perfectly fine.

Help me.

All right, all right.

Ooh.

I think we found the source of your sleeping trouble, Mr. Buckman. Is it the

apnea? Tell me the truth.

No, not quite.

See, he told you so.

Hey, hey, hey, what are you doing?

If you'll watch

the tape, I think you'll understand.

Now, this is about two in the morning when you're deep into REM sleep.

Seems normal.

Uh -huh, but... Watch what happens next. A little rustling. Everybody rustles

sometimes. Notice as her sleep becomes a bit more agitated.

Cranial love tap.

Now, needless to say, we believe we've found your husband's sleeping problem.

Is that what's happening to me? Well, you've taken something of a pounding,

I'm sorry, I can't accept this. This is an aberration. I would never do anything

to hurt Paul.

Mr. Buckman, have you had any unexplained bruises or body aches?

Yes. I think this explains why.

Why? Why would you do... Why would she do that?

You can't be saying that I would do the same thing to Paul that I did to that

dummy. Betsy. Betsy. My God. For God's sake.

You want to dance?

All right, do you want to dance?

All right, all right, let's dance.

Yeah, Doc, so, you know, the reason I'm here is because I have not been sleeping

well lately. In fact, I think I have the apnea.

It's called sleep apnea?

Yeah, right, whatever.

Where's the doll?

Well, it's, uh, here.

Thank you. Here we go. Her name is... Betsy, Betsy, I know.

Now, remember, we'll be taping me with the camera. Can I get a copy of that?

Yes.

Thank you.

Good night.

Good night, Doc.

Heard a lot about

you, Betsy.