Original subtitles

See, if the pony runs away and becomes a flower, his mommy will become a

bumblebee so she can be with him. Look what we got, a box of goodies for Mabel

from Cousin Connie and Cousin Arthur.

Oh, that's so nice.

See, and if the pony becomes an ocean, then his mommy becomes a fish so she can

be with him.

Stop their kids out, Gru.

Look, it's a jumper. We need a jumper. We got to call them. Well, get them on

the phone.

If the pony becomes an island, his mommy becomes a palm tree so she can be with

him. Honey, look at this.

That's disgusting.

If the pony becomes a beach, his mommy becomes a seashell so she can be with

him. Look, a little bear.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Oh, we got to get them on the phone and thank them. It looks like a little poo

bear. Get them on the phone.

Honey, all the poo's coming out.

Oh, that's disgusting.

If the pony becomes a bird...

his mommy becomes a nest so she can be with him.

Look at this. It's so cute. Look at this. It's a little denim jacket. I've

wanting to find a jacket like this for her. I have to call them. I'm saying, go

get them on the phone.

And if the pony becomes the moon, his mommy becomes the star so she can be

him. So basically, though the mommy loves this pony, the pony, frankly,

going to get a moment's peace.

Look at this.

What is that, jello?

I just really hope so. Oh, my God.

What are they, sending us garbage?

I'm going to get them on the phone.

Kind of potato five letters.

Did you just say Idaho?

Sweetie, have you seen my little home plate sweeper off a thing? Oh, my God,

look how cute your daddy is.

Huh? Cute and bearing an uncanny resemblance to legendary film star

I think it's so sweet you're umpiring your father's game.

Yeah, because, you know, that's just what a bunch of 70 - and 80 -year -old

need is a guy standing behind them yelling suddenly.

Hey, Spanky.

Hey, Spanky.

Hey, James, I got your mail. Thank you, Uncle Ira.

You're welcome. So, Paula, let me understand.

I am the designated runner for the softball game? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

which ones do I run for? For all of them.

For all of them? They can't run, these guys.

Well, maybe if they can't run, they shouldn't be playing softball.

Hey, who do you know in Pittsburgh?

What, in Pittsburgh?

Absolutely nobody.

You know what I'm talking about? The wiry, little wiry, brushy, sweep, just

sweep thing.

I hope this card finds you well. I know you'll be pleased to hear that I'm just

fine and living here happily with my family. I owe it all to you, Paul, and I

will never forget yours eternally.

Svetlana Pozhinsky.

Who's that? No idea.

No idea?

No idea. Little wiry, brushy, sweepy thing. You know what I'm talking about.

There's just some psychotic Russian woman sending you intimate postcards?

Svetlana. So you know her?

Oh, boy, not really.

What? Not, you know, oh, this is so long ago.

She was a minor, may I say minor, figure in my life. Like what, an old

girlfriend? Oh, less than that.

Not a one -night stand?

Less than that.

Anybody less than that is a stranger on the subway.

She, all right, you are going to laugh.

I believe.

I think you're going to laugh when I tell you this. This is because this is

a source of comedy.

We, Svetlana, Svetlana and I, we were married.

I'm not going to practice my running.

I'll see you over at the park.

You were married to this woman?

I wasn't married, except that, well, yes, I was married.

You were married?

For like 14 hours on paper, on paper.

You were married?

Sweetie, there was no romance. There was no love. There was nothing. This was on

paper only. She was Russian.

When I was at NYU, I met Svetlana like thrice.

Thrice? Thrice. Three times. Thrice.

Sweetie, you know what it is? She loved America. She loved America. She wanted

to stay. So, you know, she asked me if I would marry her.

In name. In name only.

So I wanted to be a nice guy. I was 20. I was like 20.

Did I know that I was going to be having this conversation with you? I didn't

know you. No, so I went down to see you when we got married.

I've never seen her. I've literally never seen her again in my life.

You were married.

Yeah, okay.

It was nothing. It was like a pretend thing. This is not even a marriage. It's

like we went to Halloween and we were dressed up as a married couple.

It was nothing. This is a microscopic.

This is, you know, this is like soupy sales meant more to me.

Is he attractive?

No, yeah.

She wasn't unattractive. She was, you know, she had like a Russian exotic

quality. Exotic. Interesting.

Sweetie, everybody's attractive in some way. You know, all of God's creatures, I

suppose, if you look what's not.

I'm your second wife.

Second? Second to Mrs. Tallbuck. This is ridiculous.

So what you said I do, did you kiss her?

I, no, yeah, you know, like the Pope would kiss the top of a sick child's

See?

It's nothing.

Trust me, this means nothing.

Don't make anything of this. Make nothing of this, please.

Okay? I'm standing here in umpire's clothing, begging you to make nothing of

There's nothing to be made. Look, this is such a small... Nothing. This is such

a big pile of nothing to worry about. A small pile.

A small pile of nothing. It's not even a pile. There's no pile with which worry

could be... You shouldn't even worry. There's nothing. There's nothing here.

Okay?

Okay, so we're fine. You see? You see what this is?

You see what it is, right? It's... You see what this is?

You were married. Okay.

Batter up! Your attention, please.

Now making his way to the plate.

Loving husband to Estelle.

lovely camera, Sylvia. Oh, thank you. You know, it does everything. It

it fades in, it fades out, it goes in slow motion, and you never have to

the batteries.

I said I liked it. What do you want from me?

And once again, better up! And

once

again, let us say, better up! All right already with the better up. All

Fine. All right.

Close it.

Bring it on, sucker.

Put it in.

Ain't no better.

First pitch, first man, first strike, any boy.

Mr. Irvin?

If you would.

Hey. Look, I'm running.

No, anytime she's appropriate, run, catch.

What? Safe. His foot hit the bed right before the ball came. Come on, Paul.

Well, I don't know what to tell you. He's safe. He was in there.

What's the matter with you? A hammy. Severe tearing in a hammy and granule

You're the youngest guy here.

I know. The irony.

Paul, he was out.

Look, I cause him like I seize him.

As a matter of fact, he was safe.

Are you seriously going to stand here and tell me that he was safe? This is

I'm saying.

Then you ought to get your eyes checked, Blue.

Don't push it, Number 10.

He was out.

Admit it, he was out. Don't kick dirt, Pop. All right, I won't kick dirt. What

are you doing?

You happy?

You believe this, everybody?

He was out, Blue.

Mrs. Mitchell, I beg to differ. He was safe. You're blind and a liar. Pop,

push it. You're a blind liar.

I'm warning you, cut it out right now.

I'm giving you one last warning. Cut it out.

That's it. All right, you're out.

All right, just tell me, how long are you going to be upset about this fat

thing? I don't know.

Well, I mean, just so I can pace myself. Give me a rough idea, like a half an

hour, 80 years, what? I don't know.

Forever?

You're going to be upset about this forever?

That's the plan.

Would you just tell me what I can do to make this better? There's nothing you

can do.

There's nothing? Nothing I can do? There's nothing you can do.

Okay. Well, good. All right, good. So, then let's eat.

I'm sorry, I just can't imagine a time... I'm not going to be upset about

Sweetie, let me say this to you.

I was wrong not to tell you, okay? I mean, even though it meant nothing to me

and I didn't even remember it myself, I should have racked my brains and combed

my past to come up with this and I should have realized how it would have

you feel and I should have. I should have told you a long time ago and for

I am deeply, deeply, genuinely sorry.

Okay.

Really? Uh -huh.

Okay.

Because I can't wait to talk about me again. Listen to this. My father...

However, however... What's the matter?

There is one little thing that I need to tell you, too, Paul.

There is? Yeah, there's a little thing out of my past, a little unthinking kind

of, oh my God, I forgot thing that I have, too.

Okay. I hate to tell you, because, boy, I don't want you to go through the kind

of hell I've been in lately.

No, no, no, that's okay. Go ahead.

Paul.

Honey, I actually once accidentally had sex for

money.

I'm sorry?

I had sex for money accidentally once many years ago.

Okay, that's what I don't understand. Accidentally. I was right out of

I was broke. I met this guy at a party, and we went back to my place. And the

next morning, he was gone, and he left me.

$100, and I kept it.

That true? Yeah.

Okay, well, that's, you know, it's not like there was a prearranged thing where

there was a price and both parties knew that money would change hands. No, no,

but I can understand why he would think I was, you know, a working girl. I was

pretty trashy that night. Oh, boy.

Wow.

All right, well, good. Well, then there you go.

Glad you shared that.

He gives you a $100 bill and just, he puts it on the dresser there? Yep.

Wow.

Just like a crisp $100 bill.

Yes. I don't know if it was exactly a $100 bill. Well, 50s. Whatever, 20s,

20s? Maybe some 5s. 5s. Maybe a couple of singles.

Really? And some change.

Change? Uh -huh.

And a bus pass.

All this he leaves on the dresser? Yep. Well, no.

Where does he put it?

On the floor.

Guy leaves $100 in small bills, some change, and a bus pass on the floor.

As payment for sex.

Yeah.

Just right there on the floor, you're saying? Not right directly on the floor.

think the change and the bus pass were just thrown on the floor, but the bills

were not.

Where are the bills?

In his wallet.

So you sleep with this guy?

We didn't sleep together. But we were going to. Oh, my God, we were going to.

But we didn't.

So you didn't? I barely knew the guy.

Okay.

Guy comes to your house. You know what? Forget it.

Yes. Hi.

I'm looking for Svetlana Pozhinsky, please.

Yes. Also the former Svetlana Buckman.

Yes.

Does Svetlana Pozhinsky, the former Svetlana Buckman, live here? You bet.

May I speak with her, please?

By all means.

Is she home now?

Uh -huh. May I speak with her, please?

Please.

Okay. Boy, I don't mean to be rude. I'm just going to ask this one more time.

May I please speak with Svetlana Pozhinsky?

Absolutely, you may. Is she home now? Uh -huh. Yes, she is.

Great. May I speak with her?

Sure.

Okay.

You know what? Let's try this. What is your name, please?

Svetlana Pozhinsky.

Are you sure? Yes. Your name is Svetlana Pozhinsky? Yes. Are you sure? Yes.

Formerly Svetlana Buckman? This is what I'm saying.

Here we go. It's the actual Civil War Yankees against the...

Hey, your flight is open. You can't go out like that, Mitch.

How you doing? I'm okay. I took more Advil than a lab rat.

So good.

Batter up! Beating off for the Yankees. Loving husband to Sylvia.

Loving father to Debbie, Sharon, and Paul.

Well, to Debbie and Sharon.

Proud grandfather to Jed, Noah, and the delicious new Mabel.

The first baseman

I can read your watch from here.

Okay, come on, Al.

Just you and me, baby.

Come on, Al.

We're just playing catch -all.

Okay, Al.

Al?

Al?

Al!

Call the ball.

All right, who's arguing?

Yes, naturally.

They get a nice crowd here, don't they?

Okay.

We're going to sing them right into me, Al.

Okay, Al?

Here we go.

Paulie, maybe you should just... This is only a suggestion, but maybe you should

be big about this and just say that you made the wrong call the other day.

Well, the man was safe. I called him safe, and the decision stands.

If we start changing the call after the fact, I'm really worried that the game

is going to lose its integrity.

Jim!

I think the integrity ship kind of already sailed.

Mal, do me a favor, would you please? See if we can get the furniture off the

infield.

Pop?

Let me say this.

I just wish there was some way we could clear this up.

Well, me too.

I'm zooming.

Watch me zoom.

Maybe there is a way to clear this up. What? What do you mean? And still. Yeah.

Can I see that camera for one second? Yeah.

Little instant replay.

That's so smart.

These are very, very smart things. All right, gentlemen, here we go.

Al, the butcher burn bomb hits the ball.

There's Ira running, running.

Mr. Edlund's rose, which, all due respect, would be in slow motion even in

normal speed.

And he's safe.

Safe? Yes.

You're all right. You're safe.

Yes. Yes.

I'm sorry, Paul.

It's okay. No, no, no. I mean, I'm really sorry.

Paul, son, my son, I'm sorry, man to man.

I apologize to you.

Accept it. No, no, no, no, no. This is big. I'm terribly sorry.

I'm filled with remorse.

That's all right, Pop. It's in the past. It happened. It's over. It's gone.

Don't worry about it.

Really? Yeah, absolutely.

Boy, that was a nice moment. Nice little moment.

Don't worry.

I've got the whole thing on tape.

Hi. Hi.

Paul, I believe you know Svetlana Pozhinsky?

Hello, Svetlana.

Hi, Paul.

Svetlana, I'm sure you remember your ex -mother and father -in -law, Sylvia, and

Bert. Bert, of course you know Paul's first wife, Svetlana.

What are you talking about?

Okay, did I mention this to nobody at the time?

You sound like a James Bond girl.

In the earlier films, when he was a struggling spy.

Hey, Paul, we're burning daylight here.

Mal, do you know Paul's first wife, Svetlana?

No.

Charmed, I'm sure.

Paul, may I?

Please.

Has everybody had a chance to meet Paul's first wife, Svetlana?

Well, that's something I never would have expected.

Svetlana comes down after all these years, meets another guy.

How are you doing with that? You hanging in there?

You understand what I'm saying? It was a paper marriage.

I believe you said she was exotic.

I was 20. She had an accent. What do you want?

Why didn't you tell me she was 73 years old?

If I knew that her age made such a difference to you, believe me, I would

mentioned it.

So she was a student at NYU?

No, I didn't. I said I met her at NYU. She worked in a cafeteria.

In a situation like this, details are very important.

Listen, you ask me and I'll give you all the details you want. All right, well,

next time... No, no, no, there's not going to be a next time.

Really? So you don't have any other former wives?

Uh... No.

Are you sure? Yeah, I'm really sure. Okay. I'm really sure. Good. All right,

it's over? It's over.

Good.

What? Okay, so who was the guy with the wallet?

Wait a minute.

I feel like I'm not tonight.

Really? Just so tired.

You are? Yeah.

I'm almost asleep.

I understand.