Original subtitles

What's the difference between the Secretary of Commerce and the Secretary

Labor?

One is in charge of all the things financial, all the money stuff, and the

is in charge of all work and labor.

Just say you don't know. I don't know.

I love you like I do.

Tell me who can start my heart as much as you.

Let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier.

I'm about to, baby.

Okay.

Taste this bread.

How'd you get that?

I just made it.

Come on. I did.

Seriously, you know that big thing that Debbie and Joan gave us that we used to

store the rice?

The rice holder?

Yeah. Turns out it's not a rice holder. Bread maker.

What'd you do with the rice?

For now, can we just celebrate the bread?

It's the greatest thing, this bread maker. You just, you put the gook in a

thing, you turn it on, and you go away, you have a sandwich, and an hour later,

bread.

And then you can make another sandwich.

Hey, hey, taste that.

Where'd you get it? I made it. Come on.

I baked a bread.

Yeah, right.

I did. So, did you get my message this morning?

No, I didn't bake it. I haven't even had a... No, what?

I have an advanced copy of the Baltimore Tribune article on Buckman. You know,

by the guy, Ricky Ronstag. The Baltimore Tribune?

Yeah, we had to go 300 miles to find somebody who was actually interested.

Let me see. He loves Buckman. We're ahead.

Wow. That's so cool. Let me see. I mean, he said so many nice things about this

movie. That's great. Let me see. You cannot put a price on publicity like

Let me see the thing.

All right. Just remember, it is an advanced copy, so they still have to fix

stuff. All right. All right. Here we go. In Paul Buckman's new documentary about

his family, entitled Feldman.

He'll fix. He'll fix.

The story chronicles his family's journey to America after fleeing their

native... Cuba.

I don't understand.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

What, what, what?

Oh, no.

Paul's mother, a lovely woman of 86.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, this is all so wrong.

It's wronger than wrong. This is the wrongest anything could... Nobody's

than Ricky Wrongstag.

He works in the New York Bureau. You just go down to his office... I don't

him your correction. I don't, yeah. I spent so much time talking to that guy.

was just a complete waste of time. No, he loves the movie. Look, read.

Feldman announces... Feldman. Feldman announces Buckman, okay, as one of the

truest voices in documentary film today. There you go. He brilliantly captures

the hot Latin emotions of his family.

What is wrong with this guy? Oh, he brilliantly captures that. Look, honey,

he mentions you. Who does? Mr. Buckman resides in New York with his wife,

non -pro, and his son, Mabel.

Non -pro? So what do you know? I got a son named Mabel now. You call me a non

-pro? Sweetie, that just means at the moment you're not working some non

-professional. I know what it means. I'm not a non -pro.

Well, look at the bright side. You got that darn Castro out of your hair.

Stopped working for 11 seconds, suddenly you're a non -pro?

See what that is? That's a little of that hot Latin emotions our family had.

How long have we been together?

Don't ask me. I'm a non -pro.

Orange is a long time, right? Uh -huh. And in that time, have I ever given you

the impression by anything I've said or anything I've done that I am in any way

Cuban?

Non -pro.

What?

Restaurant bread.

Do you know who that is?

It's James Carville and Mary Madeline.

Are jewelers...

famous, they're married, but they're on opposite sides of the political thing.

You know them?

No, no.

Carvel worked for Clinton, Madeline worked for Bush. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So Carvel may be a little better at his job than she. You think that what you're

saying? No, no, no. They're both great. In fact, I met her at a press junket

once. She's brilliant. Excuse me. Do you have any fresh bread?

No, that's as fresh as we've got.

Okay, that's fine. You know what?

I got my own bread.

So what's the story? He's a big Democrat, she's a big Republican, and

got married? Uh -huh.

Yeah, that's good, because you don't want to run out of things to fight

Jamie? Jamie Buckman?

Yeah? Mary Madeline?

Right! Right, right, right!

How are you?

How you doing? This serpent head's my husband, James Carville.

Don't call me that in front of new people. Yeah, like they wouldn't think

anyway. All right, all right, hey!

What do you suppose is for dessert, huh? This is our associate, Henry Vincent.

Hi. Pleasure to meet you.

Jamie did the Brockwell campaign.

Oh, someone actually took that job, eh?

Hey, she made him look pretty good. Thank you.

So how's life after Brockwell? It's great. That's my husband, Paul.

Hey. And over there, that's Mabel, who's a joy.

Oh, she looks it.

So what brings you guys to town? Well, Carvel and I opened up an office here.

Call me James. Would it kill you to call me James?

You're whining. Like a little girly man.

Okay.

All right, happy are we, table of three.

And Henry's the guy we hired to run the office.

What kind of stuff would you be working on? Well, here in the New York office,

our business is applying pressure.

We lean on the corporations till they do what we want.

I tell you, are you working now? I'm not. I'm staying home with Mabel. Well,

you ever decide to go back to work, we should talk.

Great, sure.

Hey, you know what you ought to do is you ought to come up and see our

Would you like to show them to you? I would love that. We'll just pop up 6th

Avenue and then we'll cross over.

6th? At this hour? What are you, nuts? Are you telling me how to get to my own

office?

I'll tell you, these knuckleheads are getting to 6th and 5th.

This hotbed of activity is what we call the war room.

I love this place.

Well, great. Maybe someday soon you'll have a home here.

Oh, sweetie, what's the matter?

What is this?

Is there someplace I could change her?

Well, this one's empty.

Great. Thank you.

Don't make a mess, because if you come here, this will be your office. Okay.

Well, could you help me for a second, please?

What is Kenya?

Sorry.

I'll get it. I'll get it. Thank you.

Look at this place.

I know.

Do you think they were serious?

About? About me coming to work here?

Oh, of course they were serious.

Did you hear how many times they asked you? It was bordering on the pushy.

You'll be okay with me thinking about working?

Sure. Really?

Absolutely. Totally. In fact, here's the deal. You go to work. I'll stay home.

I'll take care of Mabel.

Listen to you. Guy bakes one loaf of bread. Ah, right.

What's the little John and Yoko fantasy you're having? Oh, no. I thought of this

all myself.

For your information, A, I like taking care of her, and two, I happen to be

good at it.

And three, I got nothing to do.

Until my next project comes along, I'm not so much busy.

What if they don't ask me again?

They're going to ask you. How do you know?

Because I know.

No, you're wrong. I'm not wrong. I think you're wrong.

So, did I leave you alone for long enough?

Are you interested in a job here?

Maybe Daddy's not so wrong as Mommy, ultimately.

Okay, just say, have a good day at work, Mama.

You remember my friend, Bubbles Cantwell?

Bubbles Cantwell with the dog in the coat.

She lives outside Baltimore now, and she promised to fax me that article when it

came out.

You have a fax machine? Since when?

Well, of course we have a fax machine. It's the 90s.

How many faxes do you get?

Well, this will be the first one.

Just say, just say, Mama.

Say, Mama. Say, Mama. Mama's going to be late for work unless someone helps her

find her glasses.

What do they look like? They're a little round tortoise shell with two...

They're glasses! Any kind of glasses!

Just say, Mama.

Or just say, How the hell... Hey!

Found rice!

Oh, oh, oh, you can leave it, honey. I'll get it, I'll get it. Found your

glasses. Yes, yes, yes.

Thank you so much.

And you are going to get to spend all day today with Daddy and Nana, you lucky

girl. Yes.

Mommy's going to miss you so much. Well, Mabel knew that you would, which is why

she made you this. Oh, look at that. Thank you so much. Look at you.

A little talking picture frame so you can look at Mabel all day.

And if you press this button, she'll talk.

Okay, well, can you come to me? Here. All right, I get me, but you get this.

I'll send you a little picture, and if you press this button, you can change

message, whatever you want. I love the frame, and I love you.

And I love you.

And I love you.

You'll be late for work.

You know, I am so anxious to see that article. Okay, see, the thing with those

articles, Ma, I gotta warn you, you never know what they're gonna print.

Oh, well, listen, what's the worst thing that he could write? I can't even

imagine. Okay, see?

I'm ready to go. All right, okay.

Nothing to get upset about. Mommy's going to work. I'm excited about this. I

think this is going to be great.

Yeah. Oh, Mabel just said, that's right, Mommy, it is. It's going to be great.

Okay, you have my number? Yes, I do. And my pager? Yes.

And my cell phone? Yes. Also, I tagged your ear so I can follow you in a

chopper.

Oh, Mabel, so much. I'll be home very soon.

Okay, Mabel says we'll call you. Okay.

Or you'll page me. Yes. Or fax you. Okay. Or if you need me, you know you

call me. Just go. All right.

This is Jamie

Buckman. We are having a fabulous day.

It's so weird not being with her.

I know. How you doing?

I'm good. Everybody's being really nice. How's it going there?

It's just going great.

You know what she did? She found her toes.

Yeah, she does that.

Huh? She's got them in her mouth now.

She never did that.

Oh, you know what, though? It doesn't look like they're coming out anytime

so... You'll see it when you get home. Okay.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm good.

I'm a modern woman, striking as best I can the delicate balance that society

demands of me.

So you're doing pretty good, then, huh?

Okay. All right. Kiss Mabel. I will. Okay. Okay, bye. Bye.

I just wanted to say welcome, and we're all so thrilled to have you. Thank you.

Hey, what's that?

It's a picture of my daughter that talks.

Oh, cool.

Oh,

that's adorable.

So that button plays, and what is this? Oh, careful, because if you might

erase... Oh, crap, I think I erased it.

I'm sorry.

Listen, not to worry. Did I erase Mabel?

Oh, crap, I think I erased it.

Oh, I feel terrible.

Truly, not to worry. Mary!

Will you excuse me? Sure.

Oh, crap, I think I erased it.

Oh, crap, I think I erased it.

Hello? I made a horrible mistake.

Yes. I never should have taken this job. I don't want it. I want Mabel.

Oh, you know what? All right, then here's what you do. Quit.

No, I can't quit. I've got to get them to fire me.

How do you figure that? Because if I quit, I'm going to look like an idiot.

Really, getting fired is not exactly like a feather in your cap.

Honey, please, you just don't understand business. Just go back to your bread,

okay?

All right.

Listen to me. This is what I want you to do. Call me.

What? Call me. Constantly, a hundred times between now and five o 'clock, on

cell phone, on the pager. Beat me, buzz me, page me, fax me.

I gotta tell you, I'm a little aroused right now.

Eventually, they're going to realize that I can't cut the cord. They've made

horrible mistake in hiring me, and they're going to have to let me go.

Call me!

Wait,

hold the receiver over to the baby.

Okay, hold on a second.

She's got her toes in her mouth.

Anyway, never mind. Yeah, okay.

What's going on? Nothing. Hey, did you try to pump a nickel bread? Please, no

more bread.

And it won't even turn the socks pink in the laundry again. I've never even done

your laundry.

Well, why the hell not?

Oh, oops.

Excuse me.

Hello? Okay, I'm calling you.

Oh, how is she?

Okay, honey, this is, I got to say, it's a little ridiculous. No, no, no,

sweetie, the red booties. Yeah, okay.

All right, here's a question for you. You know, I always wonder, why would a

person drive the Chevy to the levee if they know... They know full well

that the levee was dry.

Uh -huh, I don't know. The snuggly snaps up in the back.

Also, and I've always wanted to know this, do you really think that bad, bad

Leroy Brown was like the baddest man in...

in the entire Chicago metropolitan area, because that's a huge statement to

make. Yes, yes, it is. The vitamins are in the dropper. It's four drops, then a

kiss. I've got to go back to work, sweetie.

Okay, you know what puzzles me? If you're going to shoot the sheriff, why

take out the deputy?

Because the deputy saw the whole thing, so you get them both.

Yeah. Goodbye.

Why don't you say goodbye? Because I say hello.

Hello, hello.

What was that?

Nothing. Jamie's just a little bored. Listen, I've got to go talk to this

at the newspaper. I want you to do me a favor. Call Dad and have him fax

something to Jamie. What?

You know, anything. Like a question about Mabel. And then you wait a couple

minutes, and then call her yourself. Call her at the office. And say what?

Just say... Here, say this.

I understand why the big wheel keeps on turning, but why, and this is the tricky

part, why would the proud Mary keep on burning?

say, it's very impressive the way you can be... Oops.

Sorry.

Hey, sexy.

It's Sylvia.

How long has it been since I've had my arms around you?

A long time.

Well, honey, we are going to change that.

I really should go.

Okay,

you tiger. I'll see you tonight.

Okay, bye.

Sorry.

When you're a little older, you and I will sit down and discuss your parents.

Mr. Ronstadt, I want to thank you for the kind words you wrote about my film.

Ah, it's my pleasure.

Can't tell you how much I enjoyed Feldman.

Okay, here's the thing. It's not called Feldman. It's actually called Buckman.

You sure?

Yes, I'm sure. Glad we found that out.

Yeah. Well, I got to tell you, we found quite a lot of factual errors in your

article. Oh, my goodness. Really?

Yeah. I mean, tons of them. For starters, I'm not Cuban.

Oh, my goodness.

Never been to Cuba.

Never been to Cuba? Never been to Cuba.

Also, my son, Mabel, actually a beautiful little girl.

That makes sense.

Yep. I've never fought as a welterweight.

Sorry about that. That can happen, sure enough.

And if you're going to get one thing right in the article, don't fool around

with my mother's age.

You know, she looks terrific for 86.

You know why that might be? I'm just hypothesizing. Maybe because she's not.

She's not 86. She's not 86. No, she's nowhere near 86. Well, then that would

a mistake.

Yes.

But see, here's my problem.

We go to press in less than an hour, and I couldn't possibly correct this many

mistakes, even if I wanted to.

You can't? No, I'm afraid we're going to have to live with this.

Okay.

Okay, Mr. Ronstag, I understand.

Good. Can I just use your phone?

I'm going to call my attorney.

Your attorney?

Dial 9.

On those rare occasions where quickening of arms doesn't work, we like to go for

a spot that we call the corporate groin. Oh, yes.

Excuse me.

Hello? Yeah, Alan Dershowitz, please.

Paul Buckman calling.

I'm going to put me right through. Honey, no. No, she wants her winky

She's not going to be happy with the pudgy poo.

Alan?

Listen, do you have the wrong stack file in front of you? No, Gerard Giraffe is

for two and older.

Tell me again, what was the punitive damage figure that we were talking

Just round it off to the nearest hundred grand.

Winky, winky walrus. Winky, winky walrus. Winky, winky, winky, winky

Ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Baby.

I love you. I love you, too, Alan.

Sorry. All right. No, here again. Jamie, facts for you, from home. Some guy

named Pop -Pop wants to know Mabel's hat size.

Sorry, baby.

Hello. Hi, sweetie. Listen, Mabel's hat size is a small.

It's you again.

What are you wearing?

I'm hanging up.

Take a shower. I'm coming home at five.

I'm sorry for everything I ever did wrong to you.

Stop calling me.

Just be totally out of patience with me and thinking you've made a terrible

mistake. Oh, on the contrary. I admire very much the way you're juggling

everything. Yeah, you're quite an inspiration.

Oh, great.

Whoops. Spilled coffee on my proposal for work.

This won't impress General Motors at all.

Uh -oh, honey. The pie chart.

What a shame.

I accidentally raced it off the hard drive, too.

What are you doing?

People are going to fire me if it's the last thing I do.

Jeez. I really hope Mabel gets your wonderful business sense.

Hi. Hi.

How are you?

Good. How are you?

Good. Hey, Sonia.

Hello.

Let me see.

Ricky Ronstadt really loved the movie.

Oh, good. Let me see. Of course, he made a couple of little factual errors. Oh,

I knew it. You know what? And he promised me he was going to watch the

again before he went away. The important thing, Paulie, is to see The Forest for

the Tree. Let me see. Let me see the thing, please.

Paul Buckman's new movie, Buckman. Already better.

Okay. Ronald is his family's founding of the Chinese Communist Party.

Raised on a rice farm in the Hunan province, apparently.

The talking revolution first began when Paul was a small boy.

My God.

Unbelievable. It was initiated by his mother, Sylvia, who eventually wrote the

party's manifesto.

Sylvia had no idea.

Sylvia is a coquettish woman of perhaps 38 years old.

All right, so it's not a total loss.

Taste this bread.

Where'd you get it? I made it.

No, seriously, you know that big thing Joan and Debbie gave us that we used to

store rice in?

Rice holder?

Well, actually, what I'm saying is, it's a bread machine.

What did you do with the rice?

Honey, for now, let's just celebrate the bread.

It's the greatest, this bread machine.

You just put the guck in, turn it over, go make yourself a sandwich or

something, and I will eat a bread.

Didn't you make yourself another sandwich?

We're the regular guys.