Original subtitles

See, you have to understand, I love my father. I love him a tremendous amount.

But it's very hard. He's over at the house all day, every day.

I mean, you know, honor thy father. That's got to be easily one of the top

or six commandments, don't you think?

Paul's very busy right now trying to choose his next project. It's a tense

for him, and it's very difficult with Bert clamoring for attention every

Yeah, but then I think about all that he's done for me my entire life, and I

want to extend myself in return. He's saying if it goes on much longer, he's

going to jump out a window.

This is what I'm saying.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

Uh -huh.

I think the thing is, my mom, see, she recently

took a job. You know those little cards you get in pants pockets that say,

inspected by number 12? Uh -huh.

She's number 12.

Well, you know, it just seems to have created some sort of problem between

and I think...

I think my dad wants to go back to work himself, but he's not... I think he's

envious. Honey, he's over at the apartment all day in his slipper as

clam. I don't think he wants to go back to work.

Well, you know. Uh -huh.

Well, what do you think it is?

Paul, rather than jumping to some snap judgment of my own, why don't we

investigate what you think it is?

Well, again, I think... I think he wants to go back to work.

Uh -huh.

And I think he's wearing slippers.

Uh -huh.

Could you possibly just say anything else besides uh -huh? Oh, we're out of

time.

Oh, now, before you go, you have an RSVP to my fundraiser for the Habitat for

Humanity.

Yeah. Yeah, okay, here's the thing about that. We want to go. Yeah, we believe

in humanity, and we feel it should have a habitat.

It's just, I hope you won't take this the wrong way, we're not sure we're

entirely comfortable with the idea of seeing you socially.

Uh -huh.

But simply because, you know, you know all our stuff. Which is okay in this

room. In this room, that's perfectly, you know, appropriate. Yeah, but in a

social situation, I think we'd be thinking... We'd be thinking, hey, she

all our stuff.

Right.

And how would that make you feel?

Well, we decided that we'd just, you know, be blicky.

Blicky.

Yeah, that's what we decided. A little blicky.

Jamie, do you feel that it might be blicky?

I mean, I feel it might be blicky. Don't you feel it might conceivably be

blicky? Whether I feel it would be blicky or not is not the issue.

The issue is, do you feel it might be blicky?

So you're saying just we should come to the fundraiser? Well, how would you feel

about that? I'd love to see you there.

What? Person in charge of our mental health has that hanging in her house.

Oh, God.

Hey. What?

What is this?

Hey, how are you?

Please tell me she has a dog. I haven't seen a dog. Oh, good God.

Glad you came. Yeah, really glad.

Hi. Hi.

I'm so glad you could make it. Oh, thanks. You have a lovely home. Yes.

Some lovely knickknacks.

Hey.

Oh, Bruce and Janet.

This is Jamie and Jose.

It's Paul, actually.

What? Paul, you just called me Jose.

No, I didn't.

Hey there, Gillip boy.

Where are you going?

Nothing but joy here.

Thank you.

Good God.

What the hell is that?

We honestly don't know.

But the artist is right behind you. No. No.

Paul, Jamie Buckman. Hello.

Sidney Warren. I can't believe this thing.

Yeah, well, whatever you do, don't look at the table behind us. Why? What's on

the table? Oh, come on. Told you not to look.

Tell me there's a dog. No dog.

It's a party, for God's sake. Couldn't she put something on the table like a

cracker?

Are you a patient of Sheila's? I'm a fellow shrink, actually. How about you?

are actually patients of Sheila's.

Okay, so you must be pretty scared right now. Yeah.

Don't be fooled. She's a very, very good doctor. No, I'm sure. Of course she is.

No question. When this woman leaves the office, she really leaves the office.

Yes, yes.

See, that's what we should do, honey. Get a couple of these around the

apartment, and that'll scare my dad away. All right.

Your father?

Long story. Please, I'm desperate not to see any more of the apartment.

My mom just took a job, so he's going through a thing. I think he's envious.

How old is your father?

He's almost 70.

He's not envious. He feels abandoned.

He's what?

Nine times out of ten cases like this, that's exactly what it is. Oh, God,

honey. That's what it is.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to write a check to the Habitat for

Humanity and go home and try not to dream about anything I saw here.

It was nice talking to you. Nice talking to you, too. Nice to meet you.

Okay.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Apparently not.

That's what a therapist should be like. What do you mean?

He is. A person with answers.

Yeah, see, he didn't have all those questions. What are your feelings? How

you feeling? Your feelings, your feelings, your feelings. All right,

good. Here we go. Sick of paying $100 an hour so that some woman can make me

crazy. Yeah, you don't need her for that.

I'm agreeing with you. I'm agreeing.

But, honey, you know, we got a fine,

fine therapist of our own here.

and I love your film about mole rats.

Hey, hey, it's Natalie Allen.

Yes, it is. All right.

So, good, get him. Get him on the phone. Let's do it.

That's Natalie Allen, anchorwoman for CNN.

I see it right there on the set. Thank you. Okay.

Any ideas? How do you pitch to Ken Burns?

Face this. Huh? Oh.

Thank you. Okay. Here you go, Paulie. Hang on one second.

Hello? Ken Burns' office, please.

Look at Natalie Allen.

Oh. Oh.

She's so smart, and she looks so great, and she finds out about everything right

away.

Yeah, Dan, hi. Paul Buckman. How are you? Listen, do you have two minutes?

we can talk about mole rats?

Good. Here's what I was thinking. Natalie Allen says it. I believe it. The

are mad at the Croats?

Yes. El niño, el facto.

Yeah, no, sorry. That's my dad. He's over for just right now.

What I would do, personally, I think we should go naked mole rat by naked mole

rat until you find a naked mole rat that you just can't help but love.

Oli, guess what's on here?

I'm on the phone, you see. You're thinking mustard, aren't you? I thought

mustard, yes.

Worcestershire! Ha ha! Okay, I'm off.

Sorry about that.

Whenever something tastes good and you don't know what it is, it's usually

Worcestershire. Thank you.

Hey, you know who invented Worcestershire sauce? Who? Benjamin

on. No, it's true. It was just after he got hit by lightning.

He didn't mean to. He was going for ketchup.

Oh, you would not believe the pants I saw today.

Unwearable. Ken, I'm going to have to call you back, all right? Thank you. And

Inspector Number Ten, she passed them right through like she always does. I

mean, what does she care? She only got a job because she slept with Inspector

Number Five.

That happens all the time in that business. And still, you go in for the

quality control, you stay for the sex.

Hiya, Mama. Hi.

You're not going to say hi to Pop?

Hi. Oh, hi.

Oh, Natalie Allen.

Again.

Uh -huh.

Good for you.

That's it?

What?

What?

Grab a seat. Dr. Warren will be in in just a minute. Thank you.

Thanks. Wow, this... This is a room.

Honey. Look at the fire.

This is a room where you get well.

Now listen, do me a favor.

Don't do what you did with Sheila.

What? We're starting fresh here with a new person. Don't poison the well.

That's what I did with Sheila? I poisoned the well? You put incorrect

about us in her head. We were never able to get them out.

Like what?

It doesn't matter now. Like what?

A billion things.

Like? What? Like that we hate cats?

What? Sheila thinks we hate cats.

This is what you're worried about? That this guy will think we don't like cats?

It bothered me. It came up more than once. She thinks we hate cats, which

we're dog people. Not just people who like dogs. Dog people, which means we're

needy, not giving. It bothers me.

What is wrong with you?

Hey. How are you? Sit down, sit down. Relax.

Did you eat? I got Z -bars.

No, thank you very much. I try not to eat before I'm going to spill my guts.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

Dive in. I'm way wildly too nervous to eat. Don't be nervous. Don't be nervous.

Let me see if I can scare up a cat. Okay.

I like that painting very much.

Oh, thanks.

It's a local artist named Robert Katz. Oh, we love cats.

I must say I was a little surprised to get this call. Yeah. Do you feel it's

unethical to visit one shrink while you're seeing another?

Absolutely not.

Really? This happens all the time. You know, I think I lost a patient to Sheila

once. Hard to imagine that.

It's just a question of who clicks with whom, you know? Besides, the point is

you did the right thing.

Okay. Good.

I'll have a bagel. Great.

All right, let's go to work. The other night you were talking about your father

hanging around all the time. And you said that maybe he feels abandoned by my

mom. You're absolutely right, by the way. Yeah, so I was trying to get in

with my feelings about... Come on, you know your feelings about this? You're a

nice guy. You want your parents to be happy.

And also you have a life you'd like to lead occasionally, if nobody minds.

Yeah. Yeah.

So, the question is, what do you do?

Yeah, okay, yes, what do I do? What do you do?

Is your father going to come over again tomorrow?

Tomorrow? What is tomorrow? Is tomorrow a day of the week? Absolutely.

He'll be there.

Paul, here's what you've got to do.

You've got to engage him. You've got to get him to admit that he resents your

mother taking the job.

Yes. Yes. My guess is on some level he wants you to. Mm -hmm. I mean, here's

what he's probably thinking. Here I am finally in the golden years of my life,

and this woman has given me the shaft.

Probably, yeah. Definitely.

Now, once you get him going, once you get him to acknowledge it, he'll, you

know, he'll do the rest by himself, and then all your problems will be solved.

Yes, yes, yes.

You've been saying that? I've been thinking, yeah.

Oh, is that good?

Dr. Warren, I'm sorry to disturb.

Mrs. Arthur's on the phone again. Is she humming?

Mm -hmm.

I better take this.

This is a dear older woman, and for her, I bend the rules. No problem. Sure, no

problem.

Okay. I love him. Me too.

Tell you what we're going to do, my little friend. What's that? We're

Sheila.

Really? Mm -hmm.

You like him more, I like him more. Yeah, okay, yeah. We're going to dump

Sheila. All right.

But, you know, let's just not do it cold turkey.

I think it'll be a lot kinder if we just...

taper off with Sheila over time, and then while we continue to see him.

You want to pay for two therapists?

Maybe a clean break is better.

The way I see it, Ken,

the story of the mole rat is the story of all of us.

Oh, God, look at it today.

It's really, it's about...

The little naked rodent in all of us, Ken. And to me, I think it's a

documentary. Smell this. Pop, I'm on the phone. Let me ask you something. What's

that? Who was the genius that first let milk lay around and get all moldy and

all of a sudden realized, do you know what that is? Cheese.

I don't know who was the first guy who did it. You can do a documentary about

that.

Sorry. That's my dad again. Ken, I'm going to have to call you back. Do you

think Turner chooses his anchor women himself?

It could be, Pop. You know, I don't know.

I want to ask you something. Sure.

Sit down and talk for a second.

It's all right. It's all right.

How you doing?

Good. Yeah? Yeah. Good.

Here's a question. Did you, just thinking, did you have any, I don't

anger or any feelings when Mom took the job at the factory?

No. Why don't you have any feelings if she wanted to spend our retirement

inspecting pants? Who am I to say no?

No, no, no.

But really, there was no sense of anger.

No? No resentment?

No.

Abandonment?

Well... Yeah?

Yeah, no sense of abandonment? No? Yeah. Or betrayal?

Ill feelings, maybe? Or disgruntlement? All right, all right. Yes, yes, yes. I

feel abandoned.

Yes. She gave me the shaft.

She did? Yeah.

46 years we worked so he wouldn't have to work. We could just be together.

Right. And what does she do at that precious time? She gives you to share.

Yes. That's not right. You know what? What? I'm going over there. I'm going to

have a little talk with her. This is going far enough. Well, all right,

That's a great idea, Pop. Before you go, before you go, Pop, put on some pants.

All right, listen. We're going to be tough and honest with Sheila and just

this thing over with. Yes, of course. Just an iota of compassion.

That's all I'm asking you for.

I'm compassionate.

I'm plenty compassionate.

All right.

What kind of bagels do you think Sheila will bring? All right.

Hi. Hi, Sheila.

Okay.

Let's see. When last we left, we were investigating your feelings vis -a -vis

Mort.

Who? Bert.

That's what I said. Yeah.

Since then, we've actually taken some actual steps.

You have? Yes, we have. We engaged my father and we got him to talk about it.

And, frankly, it worked because he just, you know, picked up and walked out of

the apartment on his own.

Uh -huh.

Here we go.

What? Nothing.

So, how do you feel about your solution?

Well, great. We feel great about our solution.

Well, good. Yeah.

Maybe now we should examine any...

separation anxiety you may have with the departure of your father.

That's just what we're going to do.

Jamie, I'm sensing a certain hostility from you today.

Are you? Okay, you know... Sheila,

here's the thing. We've decided to change therapists.

Uh -huh.

Sheila, believe me, it's not you. Honey. No, it's a little bit you.

Finding our sessions frustrating and, frankly, unhelpful. Well, of course,

comes as a great shock.

Well, we're sorry. We really are. And something of a personal and professional

disappointment. We understand. We really do.

But part of my job is to accept such a decision with grace and with all good

wishes for your future happiness.

Well, thank you. That's very sweet of you.

Ah.

But I would be remiss if I didn't mention to you that I think you're

mistake. Yeah. Well, listen, you know... I've seen this sort of thing backfire.

Well, perhaps it will. We can only hope... I have a question for you.

Please. Have you thought about my feelings?

Sheila, we never... You're not the first ones to run out on me, you know.

We wish you all the best. You know it's my birthday in two weeks.

Well, if we don't see you, have a happy birthday.

I was really stupid.

Well, be that as it may, you're rolling the dice with your mental health, which

I've got to tell you is not exactly the rocket you brought here to begin with.

Well, fine.

You deserve every drop of misery that God will send to you.

You know what, Sheila? A fox! A fox on your house!

I think our time is up.

Actually, we have 45 minutes left. Honey, let's go.

Let's go.

Maybe we could prorate or get a voucher or something.

I'm going to tell everyone I know.

How you doing, Syl?

Oh, please, Bert, I'm at work. Call me Inspector.

Sorry, Inspector.

Uh, everybody, this is Bert.

Bert, this is 2, 4, 6, 8, and 10.

The odds are out smoking again.

Nice to meet you.

Don't mind 10.

See, before I came here, anything went. Now people show some respect for a job

well done.

Yeah, we're a real gung -ho bunch now, thanks to you.

So why are you here anyway, Bert?

Uh, Sylvia, I am angry with you. You are?

Yes. Why? Because you took this job, because you abandoned me. You gave me

shaft. I gave you the shaft? You know what I'm saying? You gave me the shaft

what should have been our golden years.

Well, you seem to be recovering very nicely, you and, uh, that Natalie Allen.

Well, at least she looks at me when she talks to me.

Well, you know, I have somebody, too. Who?

Tiger Woods.

What?

Yes. He's a very handsome young man, and he can hit a three -wood 290 yards off

the fairway. Now, I'm not exactly sure what that means, but it certainly sounds

very, very impressive.

Sylvia, all my life I've been waiting for the day when I could be sitting

in my living room and in my underwear with you next to me.

So now I'm in my living room and in my underwear, but you're not there.

Bert, is there anything I should worry about you and this Natalie Allen?

Frankly, no. In the end, when all the fireworks have died down, I'm not sure I

need that much news.

Good. Is there anything that I should worry about with you and Tiger Woods?

No. I mean, he's on the road so much. Who needs that?

What do you say we take a little walk?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you'll cover for me, number 10?

Yep.

He's cute. Nice rise.

And we haven't heard from Pop since.

That's great. I'm glad everything worked out.

All thanks to you, mister. I'm sorry Sheila blew up like that. That's too

You know what? That's all the proof we needed to know that we did the right

thing. You don't suppose there really is a pox on our house, do you?

Oh, God.

You've gone half an hour over. I'm so sorry. Relax, relax. Sit, sit, sit, sit,

sit. Relax, relax.

We're doing good work.

I don't like people who feel rushed.

You better wash that attitude, pal. You're going to get thrown out of the

shrink's union.

Thank you for the wonderful advice and the equally wonderful Kung Pao chicken.

Yeah. Sorry, once again, we forgot to bring you anything. We would just...

We were raised poorly is all. Listen, at these prices, the food's on me.

I keep meaning to ask you, by the way, how much do you charge, if we may?

$475 an hour.

We made a huge mistake.

We were stupid, stupid people.

I don't know what we were thinking.

Oh, and by the way, happy birthday.

Why do you get so upset when they dump me?

I don't even like them.

Because you're a nut.

I am?

You're completely out of your mind.

I am, aren't I?

You shouldn't be advising anybody.

You're probably right.

It's a crazy world, isn't it?

They're crazy, I'm crazy. It's a world filled with crazy people.

Yeah.

Thank God.

In front.