Original subtitles

Hi, is this the Snappy Baby Catalog Company?

No, I'm not calling about an order. Actually, I'm calling to tell you that

don't want any more Snappy Baby Catalogs in our mailbox.

Yeah, no, we're just getting an awful lot of catalogs. So here are your

Either you stop inundating me with your Snappy Baby Catalogs, or I will come

right down there and I will slap plastic explosives around your warehouse and

blow the whole place to dust. Yes, sir. One second.

Oh, I'm sorry. The item K3057, the activity quilt. Does that come in a

Tell me why I love you like I do. Tell me who can stop my heart as

much as you.

Let's take each other's hand as we jump into the final frontier.

This is our first night out since before the baby. I want it to be perfect.

Well, I am very excited also, but I need you to do me a favor here. Could you

unclasp me?

There's something dreadfully wrong with my pants.

I'm so glad we finally found a good babysitter. Oh, I know.

I was beginning to think we'd never find anybody we were comfortable with.

Believe me.

Arlie just exudes such confidence, doesn't she? Yes, she does.

It's like hard to believe she hasn't been a mother ten times over. What are

doing, baby?

Are these your pants?

What do you mean?

Sweetie, these are not your pants.

What, do we have a roommate? Yes.

These are mine. These are my Zimelda Fulcini black pants with the pleats and

one -inch cuffs.

Excuse me.

Well, hey, no cuffs.

See?

So these are not my pants. Maybe they got switched to the dry cleaners.

Oh.

Well, get them off of me.

You have to calm down. I'm trapped in another man's pants. All right. I'm very

disconcerted. I don't know who's walking around as a guy. Who knows what

happened? Look at this. Custom made for D.

Copperfield? Good, so I'm in D.

Copperfield's pants. It doesn't make me feel any better.

I think it could be David Copperfield.

What, the magician?

I don't know. Sweetie, come on. It's New York City. You know how many D.

Copperfields there must be?

You look in a phone book under any name, any name at all, there's like 4 ,000

entries. Even the oddball names, you know what I mean?

Sweetie?

Okay.

I got David Copperfield's pants.

Okay, you know what? You go to dinner by yourself because I want to see how long

this lasts.

You know, I bet you there's some special lock on him or something. No, that's

Houdini's pants.

No, no, no. I saw this guy on Letterman, this magician guy. He pulled really

hard. The pants just flew off.

Flyaway pants?

Yeah, yeah. Let me just... Did he have a magic word? He must have. No, he

didn't. He just looked at the little smile. He did like an eyebrow thing and

then...

Doesn't David Copperfield have some show now on Broadway?

Yes, he does.

So, we'll drop him off at the theater on our way to dinner. Now you're thinking.

Our guy probably needs him for his show.

Hey, do you realize he's probably got my pants?

How'd you like to be that? You're on stage in front of 2 ,000 people, reach

your pocket, pull out a pack of gum?

Hey, Arlie. Hi, Arlie. Come on in, sweetie. Look, you remember Arlie. Hey,

Mabel. Hi, sweetie.

Look.

Do you think she knows we're going out? They know everything. They just can't

say. I bet you're probably right. It's okay, baby.

Do you remember Arlie? Oh, it's all right.

Honey, we're going to have fun tonight.

You know what? We're going to do some reading.

Followed by a vigorous discussion, period.

Okay, she just had a big meal. We'll only be out for an hour and a half top,

that won't be a problem. This is the number of the restaurant. It's Paul's

parents, my parents, Dr.

Kekich, our cousin Ira, and Nat, who walks our dog.

Let's get going.

So you'll call us for any reason? Yeah. Okay.

Goodbye, cutie. Goodbye, sweet angel. We're going to be back really soon.

miss you the whole time. You guys have fun.

Okay. Thanks. Bye -bye.

Sweetie?

Right, right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

Dang, look at that.

No more handkerchiefs.

You okay?

Uh -huh.

You gonna get the garlic bread?

Where? At the restaurant?

Uh, probably, yeah.

Tough leaving a baby at home, huh? Oh, my God.

You know what, sweetie?

It's gonna be okay.

She's in good hands, right?

Yes. It's not like we can be with her every second of every day.

You couldn't. The time comes when you have to just be strong and do it. Right?

Right.

Stop the car.

No, no, what are you doing? Stop the car.

I'm getting out. How can we just leave her there?

We're a stranger.

What are we, nuts? We're not. We're horrible people.

But we're decent people. I'm going to throw up. Are you serious?

My throat is tightening. Okay, hang on a second. Stop the car, please. What is

happening to me? Okay, sweetie, it's nothing.

Oh, my God.

Sweetie, it's nothing.

Hey.

Here. Get the bunny.

Little bunny.

We should get a bunny.

For my pants.

Really? Uh -huh.

Hi, bunny.

Hi. Hi, little bunny.

Hi, bunny.

You okay?

Yeah. I'm, uh... I'm actually... I'm scared of my pants.

I want to do a spot check on Mabel. I'm going to go with you. No, no, no. It'll

take too long. You return the pants. I'll do the spot check. I'll meet you at

the restaurant. All right. Wait!

Give me an excuse.

For what? For Arlie. Otherwise, she'll think I'm crazy for going back.

Tell her you found a bunny.

Right. Just don't tell her where you got it. Okay.

Give me a hug, you.

I love you. Love you, too.

I'm sorry I messed up the evening. Hey, you're not messing up the evening.

You're being the best mom in the whole world is what you're doing.

That's never happened before.

I was just returning my bunny.

I see.

May I use your phone?

Okay, here we go.

Chapter one.

Call me Ishmael.

Some years ago... That's right. It is written in the first person.

Who is it?

It's Ira, Pauly's cousin.

Hi. Hi. Can I come in? Can I see two forms of identification, including

something with a picture?

Really? Yeah.

I'm sorry, I have to ask.

No, no, no, no. Hey, hey, Arlie, that's good. You know, you're just doing your

job. All right, here we go.

Job is licensed. Good.

Smile like you've been standing in line for three hours.

Can I come in now?

When's your birthday?

March 25th. How much do you weigh?

Now or then? Then.

140. Are you an organ donor?

No. I'll come.

Because I have lingering doubts.

Arlie, could you open the door, please?

Hey.

Arlie, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

I was just, you know, sitting at home. I thought I'd stop by and, you know, show

Mabel my pet rabbit.

Really? Yeah.

Okay. Here you go. Look, Mabel. Look at the little rabbit.

So, What's its name?

Stewie. Stewie.

So, tell me something.

How's Mabel? Oh, she's great.

Oh, good.

Any troubles at all? No, none.

Good. How about you?

You okay?

Oh, me? Hey, I've never been better.

So, how long have you had Stewie?

Who? The rabbit.

A long time.

Almost 20 years now.

its life expectancy is usually like five years.

Yeah, well, he's a battler.

What have you and Mabel been doing? Reading.

Reading? What?

Moby Dick.

Moby Dick?

What, are you kidding me?

Babies love Moby Dick.

It has beautiful rhythm and melody.

No kidding? Yeah. All right, well, I guess Louie and I will be hopping on out

here, then.

Louie? Uh, Huey. Stewie.

It's a rabbit.

Very nice to meet both of you. You too.

Your mommy did a spot check.

Hi.

Hi. Oh, look at you.

What? You look different.

Well, I had a baby last time you saw me. I was pregnant.

No, that's not it.

I bet it is. No, no.

Okay.

New haircut?

No.

You got your braces off.

You know what? That's exactly right. Yes, I did.

And you sold your hat.

Yes.

Just as well.

Hey, James.

So? So, all's well. Really? Yeah.

A picture of a perfect babysitter. What was she doing?

She was reading to her. Moby Dick, if you can believe that.

I don't think that's perfect. It has such rhythm and melody.

God bless the both of you.

So, things seem under control?

Absolutely. She's perfectly happy. You got nothing to worry about. Okay.

Okay, what can I get you?

Club soda's good.

Okay, and for the rabbit?

Nothing, thanks.

How about here? Nothing for me. Thank you.

What?

Did you ever see Psycho?

Yeah.

It's amazing. You should have seen Mabel lying there cooing.

She was cooing? Yeah.

Cooing or fussing?

Cooing. You know, a fuss can sound a lot like a coo.

James, you know what? Do yourself a favor, all right? Go to dinner with your

husband. I will, I will. You promise? Yes, I'm going to get the check and then

go straight to the restaurant.

All right. Okay.

Excuse me.

May I use your phone?

Yeah, it's kind of in my house and I'm not real comfortable with that.

I need to see David Copperfield.

Yeah, you and everybody else, pal.

Show's been sold out for 11 months.

No, but I actually need to see Mr. Copperfield personally.

And why is that?

Well, uh, I'm wearing his pants.

Oh, look, pal, maybe you want to carry this. Do you want me to prove to you

these are David Copperfield's pants?

Sure. Okay.

Hi. Watch this.

Voila.

Good night.

No, no, no, I didn't...

I've been expecting you.

Weakleg was a native of Cocovoco, an island... Okay, time for another spot

check. Who is it? Oh, it's Nat, ma 'am, the walker of the dog, ma 'am, if I may.

How can I be sure it's you?

Yeah, I appreciate your predicament there.

Oh, my mother's maiden name was Ostertag.

Okay, but I don't have that information.

That would be true, wouldn't it?

Gosh. Oh, I think I got it, ma 'am. If you go to the back bookshelf there,

behind the little tan couch by the window, on the first shelf you'll find a

series of books, all right?

You work from right to left. First book you should see is Joseph Mitchell's Up

in the Old Hotel. It's a scintillating collection of his short stories and

articles. Right.

Next to that you'll find Saul Bellows' classic Herzog.

Yeah. And next to that is Al Franken's latest.

That's a humorous indictment of the radical right.

Hi there.

Hi, I'm Matt.

Hi, Arlen. Nice to meet you.

Pleasure to meet you.

There she is, huh?

Hey there, Mabel.

Oh, hey there, Mabel Mercer.

Hey there, Mabel not today, Mabel not tomorrow, but sooner for the rest of

life.

So what can I do for you?

Nothing. I'm just here to walk the dog.

Murray. Dog.

You walk Murray at night?

Yes.

Yes, he finds it, you know, the streets are less crowded, you know?

Less full of distracting other dogs.

Uh -huh.

Has the evening been a pleasant one for both babysitter and bae there?

I'm sorry.

What? If this makes you uncomfortable, I can do it inside.

Please, no, that's okay. Can I get you a newspaper, a Ziploc bag?

Boy, you're really, if I may say, you're really very skilled there, huh?

Thanks. No, sincerely, I mean, you know, as one caretaker to another, really, my

hat's off to you. You're very, very deft.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

Okay, things seem to be top shelf here, so it's very nice to meet you and glad

to see Mabel there is in such good hands here.

Aren't you going to walk, Marty?

Yes.

So I imagine you have my pants.

Smell the puccini pleated with one -inch cuffs?

You know, I called you. You know, I figured that was you, but how do you

these things? Well, it's complicated. You have to be sitting down.

How about... Anyway, I imagine you need these pants.

Are you kidding me? You got my encore in your inseam.

Thank you.

You know, just tell me how to get out of these things. We can exchange pants and

both get on with our lives.

Well, you cannot take them off. Only I can take them off.

Mr. Copperfield, I enjoy magic as much as the next fellow, but under the

circumstances, maybe we could just skip the hoogity -boogity stuff, huh?

Now, reach into the back pocket, if you will.

All right.

Hey, hey.

Where'd this come from?

Now, toss it into the sky.

All right, here we go.

Tossing.

I should... Seriously?

Climb, my friend.

All right, all right.

Climb it.

Hey, look at this. Yes, climb.

I'm climbing. I'm climbing.

Climbing like a monkey.

Stop climbing.

Stop it.

Also like a monkey.

Now hold perfectly still. Please.

Oy, oy, oy.

Mr. Copperfield?

But I am gone.

Hey.

One -inch cups.

No, when I was little, I had one of those.

A rabbit?

No, a purple sweater.

Oh.

Hey there, Mrs. Buckman. Hi, Ned.

Hey. Can I get you anything?

Oh, uh, can I get a Virgin Mary to go, if you would?

Mm -hmm. Anything for the dog?

Oh, no, no. No, thanks.

Okay. And, um, still nothing for the rabbit? No.

That's mean.

How's Mabel?

Oh, she's great, Mrs. Buckman. Just happy as a little clam. In fact, she was

making the cutest little noise. She was going like, ah -ah, ah -ah, like that.

Ah -ah, ah -ah? Yeah. She sure wasn't like, ah -ah.

is good, Ned, but if she's going, ah, ah, it's bad, Ned. It's very bad.

I'm pretty sure it was, ah, ah, ah, ah. It wasn't, it wasn't, ah, ah.

No, no, it was definitely, ah, it was, ah.

She's going, ah, ah, ah.

I'm going up there.

From beneath his slouched head, Ahab dropped a tear into the sea, nor did all

the Pacific contain such wealth as that one we dropped.

That's all for tonight, honey.

Mommy's home.

Hi, it's me.

Hi. I'm sorry, I actually forgot the address of the restaurant. Can you

that? Sure.

Happens all the time.

Hi, Stewie.

So I'm just going to grab the address and I will be on my way.

Do you want to check on Mabel? Oh, don't be silly. How's she doing?

Oh, come on, will you? What?

Listen, I don't mind that you brought everyone in to check on me.

Finally, I don't know what you're talking about. I also don't mind that

brought in the same rabbit.

No, it's sweet. It's good.

It's what I would do, you know, if I had a kid.

Come, look at her.

Thank you.

Look at her.

Yeah. You know what? You don't have to worry.

You're right.

I obviously don't.

Thank you. Listen, go out. Have a good time.

I will. I think I'm finally ready now. Good.

I'm sorry about all of this. Don't worry about it.

See you when I see you.

Do you want

to check on the baby?

Yeah.

How is she?

Hey, sweetie.

Hey, come on, come on. You're going to miss the end of the movie.

Sweetie, well, the first date.