Original subtitles

Oh, who's that?

Who's it in that picture? Is it Las Vegas legend Buddy Hackett?

No. It's you.

Look at that.

It's you. It's future Phi Beta Kappa Nobel Laureate Pulitzer Prize winning

president of the United States, Mabel Buckman. What do you think of that?

I'm going to do it.

What's that?

The photo album. I'm going to do it.

Well, who said you weren't?

So quit hacking me.

Okay. Are you okay? I'm fine. Just really dreading going to this play

Ah, come on. It's for charity. All right, stop it. Please stop saying it's

charity like that. Put some happy face on it.

Okay. I'm having a hair problem.

I'm having a clothing problem because suddenly I'm shaped like a Dr. Seuss

character. So I'm not dying to be seen in public right now. All right. You

sweetie, it's going to be three painless hours.

It's Pirates of Penzance performed by your parents.

Three excruciating hours, but look at it this way. You'll get to enjoy the

magnificent stage direction of your husband.

I don't know why you put yourself through it. Because I'm very charitable.

you know what? In fact, I got the final rehearsal in half an hour, so if you

don't... Oh, God. What are you doing?

Oh, God.

What are you doing?

Editing. Honey, honey, these... Is this really what I look like in the hospital?

Not at all.

No.

Not at all? No, no. First of all, that's a crappy lens I was using, and the

lighting was terrible.

And you know the hospital gowns, they give you that little horizontal pattern?

You don't recognize it, but in photographs, it brings your eye side to

side to side to side.

You are charitable.

Sure.

Oh, sweet, come on.

Don't tear the pictures. Do you really want to tear up all your memories? Look

at the ass on me there. Oh, my God.

I look like one of those little dolls with the hair that sticks through. You

know, you played with them for good luck.

What is wrong with my brain?

There's nothing wrong with your brain, sweetie. What's my book? What book?

The book I was reading when I went into labor with the bridges, the frisky lady

on the farm with the bridges and the... Wait, I have no brain.

Can I just say something? Where the hell is Fran?

Do you remember what Sheila said? She had a lot of new moms. You know, it's

common to have sort of a postpartum depression. All right, stop it.

Stop it right there.

Kindly do not reduce me to some dime -store psychological cliche.

No, I'm not.

Postpartum depression is about unhappiness, mood swings, anxiety, and

okay?

I see your point.

Trolls! What?

Trolls! Trolls! Good for you.

Hey, look at that, sweetie, huh?

Hey! Come in for like 11 hours, would you?

Everything okay?

Well, I have nothing to read during my hair appointment, which...

What's the point? Ever since Arturo left, I should have just bought a big

hat and sewed it to my head.

Okay, here's what you don't know.

Arturo's back.

What? He is back, baby.

Yeah, but I'm not going to see him. I'm seeing Julio the butcher.

I switched you.

How did you do that? I'm a mover and a shaker, so I moved in, didn't I? Sure. I

love you. I know.

Oh, I love you.

You should go. I'm on Mabel duty. Mabel, I love Mabel. Oh, sure you do.

Hey, my book.

I want to look at that.

This is going to be a good day.

You bet it is.

Postpartum depression.

Right to choose her, not me. What an instrument.

What? Nothing.

Uh, Mrs. Buckman, may I see you for a moment, please?

Would you let it go already about not getting the part?

I don't even know what you're talking about.

She's doing her best. She doesn't need to be heckled by her own handmaidens.

Fine.

Thank you very much.

Sorry, everybody. All right, Mrs. Sass, please.

Oh, monsters.

There your pirate caravans proceed.

Against our will to wed us all.

Just bear in mind that we are wards in chancery. And father is a major

general.

I am the very model of a modern major general.

I think formation vegetable.

Animal. What do I say?

Already? Already? You lost it? Oh, you got 4 ,000 words coming up here.

One second. You say, Mr. Edlin? Mr. Edlin?

You come out.

You say, I have information, vegetable, animal, and mineral.

Oh, mineral.

Of course. Of course. All right.

There we go.

of a modern major general.

I've information, vegetable, animal, and mineral.

I know the kings of England and I put the fights hysterical from Marathon

Hold on, hold on, Pop. Let me just correct you there. What is it now?

Sorry to bother you again.

Hang on a second.

It's fights historical, not fights hysterical. Really? Yeah.

Well, I think it should be hysterical.

What are you talking about? Well, you're in a fight. You're running around.

You're stabbing people.

You're hysterical.

You make a very good point.

Mr. Edlund, the exception, please.

Ah,

how are my two beauties?

Wonderful, Arturo. I can't wait for you to fix me up, you genius, you.

Oh, Jamie, I am not the genius. I merely liberate the beauty that is already

within you.

Okay, be more charming. No, it's true. I cannot help but see the gorgeousness,

whether you're a young sapling just starting out in life or a maturing oak

leaves are beginning to turn.

Arturo. I walk away.

Congratulations. We're very happy.

Good for you.

Are you married?

Oh, yeah.

Yep, I'm married.

You betcha.

And he's great.

He really is. He tries, especially with the kid. Oh, he cleans up a mess or two

here and there, and I'm supposed to give him a standing ovation. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm stuck here all day cleaning up projectiles. Everything but

Go, go. Off to work, on your film, putting together the oldest possible

Pirates of Penzance. Gotta go. It's for charity.

See you later.

So I get half an hour here before I have to race home so that his daughter can

actually suck on me.

Fifteen times a day. I don't have enough energy to use a Q -tip, let alone put

together a photo album featuring me and my magic stomach.

Your body? No, no, no. That's over. That's just... Gone forever, which is

actually, because it's not like you ever want him to touch you again anyway.

Just as soon as stab his eyes out with a shrimp fork.

How many bridesmaids are you having?

General. I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral.

I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical.

From Marathon to Waterloo in order categorical. Good, Bob. I know.

I can't believe it.

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical.

I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical.

About binomial theorem, I am teeming with a lot of news.

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.

Good, good, good. That was great, that was great. That was very good. Hang on

one second. One little, hang on one second. That's one little thing. Hold

just give me one second.

You're supposed to be... You're supposed to be... Mr. Van Dyke!

When you get to lot of news, you're supposed to, you can't find a word that

rhymes right away. So what you want to do is think about it. A lot of news, lot

of news. Like in your mind, you're thinking, what rhymes with lot of news?

you realize, hypotenuse.

But I don't have to think about it. The guy who wrote it had to think about it.

Of course, yes. No, but in the story, the idea is that the character is making

it up as he goes along. So you've got to think about it. That's it. That's why.

Come on.

That's what it is.

What do you know?

Oh, yeah.

Absolutely. But no, you did great. You just do it great. You do it great.

Pirates, very spirited, really very good. And maidens, just, you know,

and yet fetching.

Yes.

It's wonderful. I'll tell you, I, for one, I smell a hit, people.

Wow, that's a great haircut.

I left before the haircut.

Okay, so guess what I did on the way home? I stopped off to see two old

of ours.

Ben and Jerry!

Yes!

Hello, boys! How you been?

Hello!

The world's best vanilla!

Yes! Oh, you really are!

Yes! Chubby! Chubby!

Yes, and yet I bought it!

You are a good man. I understand.

All right, so listen to this. We get through the first act in a blazing...

Five and a half hours. All right, so I'm thrilled. I'm delighted.

I'm leaving you for Ben. I hope you understand. That's fine.

So then Mrs.

Sass, the ingenue in the piece, she gets a phone call. She comes back from the

phone call. She says, I have to quit the show.

She quits four hours before the curtain. You believe this? So, you know, I don't

know what happened. Some cockamamie thing about her daughter canceled the

wedding because she was in a beauty parlor and some lunatic woman said

to her.

I mean, it's like the craziest thing you ever heard.

You've got to be kidding me.

So now I've got to eat some ice cream. I've got to run back. I've got to beg my

mother to do the part. That's going to be another mallet to the kneecap of an

already limping production.

Oh, sweetie, it's okay. It's just a play.

You're slowing down on your chubby hubby there. What's the matter?

I don't deserve chubby hubby. Sure you do. Hey, try some of this.

I don't deserve the world's best vanilla.

Yeah, sure you... What, because of the calories?

No, because I'm a bad person. What's that supposed to mean about the

No, nothing. I knew it was because you were a bad person. I knew that.

I wasn't actually... Okay, it's 20 ,000 calories. I can't get away... This stuff

is eating me alive!

You know what? You're right. Who needs it? I don't need it.

Okay.

I have to get out of here. Okay, let's go in the living room, huh?

Raise Mabel well and tell her a lot of stories about me.

What are you talking about? I like you.

You're a nice man. You really are. I'm sorry it didn't work out. I blame

There's $200 hidden in the Al Franken book.

Listen, you cannot walk out the door. Hi.

Honey, let me just say, I'm sorry. I'm really, I'm very sorry.

About what?

See, Dad, I couldn't tell you. No,

listen, you can't. You can't leave. You're a mother now.

I'm a lunatic.

I'm a loose cannon. Trust me, everybody will be better off. You're not a

lunatic. You're not. Listen, you are the heart and soul of this operation.

You're the backbone. You can't, you cannot leave.

You're right. Get out.

What? Go on.

Beat it. I'm sick of the sight of you.

Hey, hey, hey. We're some psycho. This stuff's like six dollars a curtain.

I'm just doing my vocal exercise. You know, the vowel sounds.

And sometimes Y.

All right, very good.

All right, just the person I'm looking for. Forget it.

Oh, come on, Ma. You know you want to play the part.

Once maybe, not anymore.

You know what, Ma? Let me explain to you. I would have made a wonderful

queen. I would have known my lines backwards and forwards if... You had

but you didn't. And now?

Do you think David O. Selznick went up to Vivian Lee five minutes before the

Civil War and asked her if she wanted to be in Gone with the Wind?

You know what? If you don't want to do it, fine.

I'm going to go over and ask Mrs. Mencken. Oh, don't do that to her. She's

nervous enough already.

All right, Mrs. Emsh. No, she has to keep her feet elevated.

Fine. You know what I'm going to do, Ma? I'm going to go out there and I am

going to apologize. And I'm going to explain to the nice people in the

and to the little sisters of the blind that go home, everybody. There will be

performance tonight.

All right.

What? I'll do it. I'll be your pirate queen.

Really? Yeah, I'll tape the lines to Mr.

Balsky's parrot.

See? When there's a will, there's a way. But only because I don't want my son to

look bad. Oh, you're a wonderful person. Oh, just promise me I won't humiliate

myself. Yucca, yucca, yucca, yucca.

Yucca, yucca, yucca, yucca. I don't think you have to worry about that.

You know you pour your life into a child. I know.

You die for them a thousand times over just so they'll have a chance to live

be happy. I know.

Then you see them standing on the brink of that happiness.

Some freak comes along and ruins everything.

Mom.

Destroys a young girl's life. Not to mention a perfectly good production of

Pirates of Penzance.

Mrs. Sass, Roberta, I'm sorry. I really am. I'm going through a... I don't know

what it is. I just had a baby and I don't... You're in a postpartum

I just resist that label. Are you postpartum?

Yeah. You're in a depression?

Yeah. All right.

It goes away, you know.

Really? My daughter's 24 years old. You know when mine ended? Mrs. Sass? Six

months ago when she got engaged.

And now, guess what?

What's that?

It's back.

I understand.

So help me out here. Make my joy return.

Roberta, in spite of my little tirade at the beauty parlor, I love my husband

very much.

Really? Absolutely.

That's exactly what we came to hear.

Okay, can we call Russell? I don't know.

Roberta, marrying Paul and having his child are the two smartest things I ever

did in my life.

You mean it?

Isn't that sweet?

All right.

Close enough.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi. How you doing?

How's it going, Sullivan?

Oh, Gilbert would gouge Sullivan's eyes out.

What

a

news.

Paul. I told him to do that. He's acting. Do you believe it?

A lot of news.

Well, he's brilliant.

A lot of news.

Oh, boy.

Sing something.

And I should probably sing something.

I mean, what have I got to lose?

Used to be in sporting goods, but then I gave the place away.

I'm in semi -retirement, and let me tell you, that's okay.

My son's the big director, and he's standing in the back somewhere.

And there's his wife named Jamie. Look at that, she's got some pretty hair.

Our Paul was such a good boy, we had nothing to complain about.

Except one time we came home early, and he had a shmeggy on.

In short, it matters vegetable, animal, and mineral.

I am the very model of the modern Major General.

single greatest evening I've ever spent in the theater.

Yeah, the pirates who humiliated their son.

Let's see.

Complain about, complain about. What in the world rhymes with complain? I got

it. Schmecky out.

Just explain to me, why would the man's mind even go there?

Why? I've done so many wonderful things in my life.

He could have summoned up... I won a spelling bee one time.

I had a paper route.

By the way, rhymes with complain about.

I took the garbage out.

It was a nice Cub Scout. All these things. Chose to ignore. I found it a

educational evening.

Yeah. You know what we learned? Here's what we learned. If you're 11 and you're

alone in your room, lock your doors, people.

All right. Let's take it easy.

Okay, so I could never go out of that... house again ever. Oh, come on. Let's

just laugh it off and move on.

It's so true. No good deed goes unpunished. Look at it this way. Are you

your parents love you so much they want to share every detail?

Don't do that. Don't put a happy face on this, would you? Let me have this. I'm

depressed now.

Well, snap out of it already.

Now the show is done and we can all watch as the credits roll. They have a

of all the folks who work. You see, it's on a scroll.

Look at all the people that it takes to make a TV show.

64 of them, I gotta tell you, I don't even.

This song is stuck within my head. There's no way I can go to bed. Let's

this man whose name is Ed. Is there another song instead?