Original subtitles

So teeny.

I know.

Love the way her little eyelids flutter. Really cute.

Is she just the most beautiful thing in the world?

She looks like a mother.

That one.

Need any help?

No, sir. You have done enough.

You have delivered a child, so from now on, all the pain will be mine.

Although, you know what? If you could take this one, it's biting me like you

wouldn't be.

Hi, little sweetie.

Here we are.

Hi, sweet darling. Welcome to your new home.

It's usually neater.

Look at all these presents you got.

And that's just for being born. You wait till you do something.

Wow. What?

Just this. This. The three of us.

We're here.

We're all here.

Yes, we are.

It's something, huh? It is.

She's saying we have a baby now. Good God Almighty.

This is going to be okay. It is? Yeah.

Hey, Murray.

Hey, Murray. Look who's here.

Look. A whole new person for you to smell.

Say hello to possibly Julia.

My Uncle Jules. How about Lily?

Lily. Or my Aunt Lolly.

Lily, Lolly.

Murray, you have a sister.

What do you think about that, huh?

Wait,

wait, wait, wait, wait. Okay, okay.

Uh -huh.

Already they do that? Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, you know what, sweetie? We got one of those changing tables you're supposed

to use. You put it right on the changing table, and then you have to put the kid

right on the table, which is probably not the... Okay, but that table's good.

Another diaper. Some Desitin and some baby wipes, please. Coming right up.

we go.

I'm looking.

Crackers? Diaper, diaper, diaper.

Okay.

Diaper, diaper, diaper.

Thank you. Thank you.

Maybe not the best trade Daddy ever made.

Didn't really think this one all the way through, did I?

You know, hold on one second. I'll be right back.

All right, so the tape goes in the front, you would think, so it stands to

reason that this must be the front.

So... Put this under here.

And we tape it down on that side.

And we tape it down on this side. And we have... Come here.

Come here.

This is a total disaster.

please? That was the only diaper they gave us, sweetie.

They sent us home from the hospital with one diaper?

Yes, it'll be okay. It's okay.

Oh, no,

no. That's a little too tight.

It'll be right back. Where are you going?

Incinerator.

First poop.

My first husband, Hal.

Your first husband, Hal.

My first husband, Hal.

Both my husbands have been called Hal. My second husband, Hal, and I have

separated. And my first husband, Hal, and I are rekindled. All right?

All right, well, good for you, boy. You know, you're like that woman in the

song, Henry VIII. You know, she married eight guys all named Henry.

Yes, I'm exactly like that.

Would you mind joining me in the living room, please?

Sure.

They've had a child?

I'm afraid so.

Come on, stick. Will you stick?

It's okay.

Bring me some tape.

Tape? Don't judge me. Just bring me some tape.

What's the matter? You ever heard of taping up a diaper before?

Oh, of course I have.

This is really hard.

I know.

Don't patronize me.

No, no, no, no. No patronizing. Thank you.

I don't understand why I'm having so much trouble. It seems so simple at the

hospital. Well, you know what?

It's going to be okay.

It is? Yeah.

Okay. Okay.

How does this look?

This.

Liar. You know, when she bends over, everybody will think it's the flag of

Switzerland. That's good.

Where is she? Huh? Hey. Hey, Uncle Ira.

Say hi to Uncle Ira. Hello, sweetie.

Hi, Snooki.

Hi, muffin face.

You got a name yet? We're working on it.

Okay.

Swaddling.

Place baby diagonally with head above folded corner.

I mean, folded corner or the pointy folded corner.

Stop watching.

Okay.

Kitchen. Sure.

So, boys, I got a gift for the baby, huh? Oh, you didn't have to do that.

Whoa, whoa. How much money is in here?

A thousand bucks.

What is she, Connie Corleone?

Well, I want a little bet.

On what?

Women's basketball.

Okay, you should be in a meeting all the time.

Help me.

It's like a cool riddle. It's like some kind of Rubik's Cube.

It cannot be done. Do it.

Okay. Get away. Get away.

Can you swallow my child? Okay. Get out of there.

It will be okay.

No, it won't. That is such a bunch of crap about how okay it's going to be.

Okay. You want to hear a little secret?

As parents, we may suck.

First of all, can I just say, I think you're doing great. I do not. Yes, I do.

You do not? Yes, Ira, don't I think she's doing great? Please don't make me

now.

Look, isn't there somebody we could call? Like a guy, a swaddling guy?

Who is it?

Oh, thank living God. There's a great swaddler right there. Look how life

provides. Hi, Ira.

Carissa. Hi.

Hi, it's Weenie! Hi, Mom!

Hi!

How are you? Oh, I'm good, I'm good.

How's the baby?

She's good.

Was the traffic bad?

No, it was very light.

Honey, I can't breathe.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I brought you some things, a tin of casserole and some diapers.

Oh, diapers and casserole, my favorite.

Oh, hello, precious.

Hello, pumpkin.

Hello, sweet cheese.

No names.

Interesting diaper. I know.

You know, it's funny you should say that because anything you can do to show us

how to make it less interesting and more normal, we would love that. Oh, no.

No, no, no, no.

Why not?

Because.

When I had you, my mother butted in big time, and I swore to myself that I would

never, ever, ever be one of those mothers who butt in. No, no, no. Please

in. I need you to butt in. I have no idea what I'm doing. Not a clue. Hey.

saying.

Well, all right, but I'm not going to butt in. I can pitch in, but just

very, very little. That would be great. Pitching in would be what you want. A

little bit of pitching in, please. A little pitching in. Okay.

Would you get the changing table, please, and bring it over here? Got it.

I need some baby wipes, cotton balls, and a dry washcloth. Coming right up.

also some index cards and a magic marker. Okay.

Let's see if Grandma can still cut it.

All right, sweetheart.

Here we go, darling. Yes, here we go. Okay, now, the key to diapering is a

simple mnemonic divide.

F -W -E -E -T.

Sweet. Sweet. Yes?

Survey.

W -Y -E.

Entertain the baby.

Ease out, Mr. Old Dirty Diaper. T -Tie up, Mr. Old Dirty Diaper. And send him

his way.

How is it me again?

Now, it's time for Mr. Clean Diaper.

You're so glad you're here. Believe me, this is such a... Somebody was done

already.

You may want to write that down. Hey, that's what I'm doing.

Now, swaddling is simple. Just think of the word tuba.

Tuck under both arms. This is just brilliant.

Look at that. Tuba.

Now it's time to discuss the crib placement. Mom, I'm so thrilled with my

and my tuba. I'm just going to perfect that for a while. All right, honey. I'm

going to go wash my hands again. Remember, always wash your hands and

Are we off?

What? Oh, oh, oh, oh, y 'all. Oh, y 'all. Oh, y 'all.

No, honey, that was just talking.

Oh, that's not a thing. Okay.

Honey,

would you help me, please?

Who's that?

It's me.

Bert. Bert Buckman.

Your father.

Come in, family. Hi.

Oh, hi. Hello.

Hello. There she is.

Oh, hello, doll face.

Hello, sugar.

Hello there.

No name yet? No,

they got books now.

Great.

You like tuna casserole? Apparently, tremendously.

What is this? Oh, your mother. She's down in the lobby.

What's she doing down in the lobby?

Hello.

I have what I believe to be the beginnings of a cold, and I don't want

the baby sick.

That's very considerate of you, Sylvia.

Oh, not at all. I'm just so glad to be here in the lobby.

Later, Bert will describe my grandchild to me. Bert, did you give them the

casserole and the book?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

What is it? There's more tuna? Why don't we put these in the fridge? Yeah, you

know what? Put it next to its friends, the other casserole.

Yeah.

So I can hear.

Tape it.

Sure. Okay, Ma. Can I say hello to the baby?

Sure. Hold her up to the microphone so she can hear me.

Oh, you know, she can hear you. She can hear you, Ma. Believe me. Babies in

Japan can hear you. Hold her up to the microphone. I'm holding her.

Sir, is he holding her up? Uh -huh.

Fine. Leave her in the bassinet.

Hello, sweetheart.

Girl, these parents should stop fooling around and pick a name already.

Murray,

what are you doing down there?

Murray, it's me, Bert.

Bert Bachman, Paul's father.

What's the matter with him? He's sulking or something.

He's scared of the baby.

Murray.

Some nut.

Oh, hi, Bert.

Hello.

Is this a good time now? Good time to discuss crib placement and its impact on

her IQ.

Oh, hello.

Hi. Look who's here. It's the gals.

You know, I think it's just wonderful how the two of you are sticking with it.

Jamie, we need a refrigerator allocation discussion.

This cottage cheese, sentimental value? We were wondering because it's blue now.

Okay, I'll be right there.

Will you excuse me for one second?

If it would help, I could eat something.

Try the casserole.

I'm going to go. What do you mean? No, no, no, no. Where are you going now? No,

Jamie doesn't want me here.

You know, excuse... Hello?

Listen, I'd like to make a suggestion.

Ma, hang on one second. Believe me, she really does. I swear to you. You know, I

went through a similar thing with my mother. Yeah, okay, Ma, you know, it's

to hear you now because I can't... You're breaking up.

I found that if I just... Jamie. very much wants you here. No, she doesn't.

She's just being polite.

Not true.

Paul, she's got you. You know what to do.

Come on, you're a natural father.

Well, you can become a natural. I don't think so.

You've got all these books. You can read books.

Yeah, but the books are not real.

They have pictures.

Even the pictures? Pretty pictures.

When you and Jamie, you can take... So, you want me to stay?

Stay.

Time to feed the baby.

You have to feed her every two and three quarter hours. In other words, now. So,

come on. Up and out. No, no, no, no, no, no. I was going to feed her every four

hours or when she cries. You know, every two or three. If you want your baby to

have to cry for her meals.

I don't want her to have to cry. Well, the crying is about to begin, so it's up

to you.

Okay, okay.

So, we're up, we're up, we're up, we're up.

We're going to go over here to mine. Oh, my gosh, she's beautiful.

Honey, honey, you don't want her to just take the nipples. You want her to take

the entire areola. I know, I know.

She's just the most beautiful.

Look at her.

What a thing, huh?

What a thing this is.

Man, I'm hungry.

How we doing?

Just love this so much.

Hey, little baby.

Treasure.

That's enough.

Mom, I think she's still hungry. Honey.

Honey, no, no, that's enough.

Okay, sweetie.

Okay, sweetie.

Okay. Okay, honey. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

All right. Now, Paul, after the meal comes... Pie?

Burping. Burping. Okay, yeah. All right. I knew that one, too.

The best way to burp, darling, is put her on your lap, and here's how you

remember it.

Gently rub, evenly pat, securely held. Or grips.

Okay. I think that's my favorite one so far.

I think I'm just going to burp her on my shoulder. That would be unfortunate.

I think it's a perfectly good way to do it.

Well, yes, unless you'd like her to actually burp.

Mom, I'm going to burp my child on my shoulder, okay?

Fine.

Fine.

Here we go.

Oh, now, don't you mutter at me, Missy. If it were up to me, I wouldn't even be

here. But when I wanted to leave a long time ago, your husband wouldn't let me

out the door.

Is that true?

Excuse us?

You know what, sweetie?

You know what? Stay.

Hi, Sylvia.

Oh, my God. I didn't want the baby to catch my cold.

I can't believe you're still here.

Goodness, she's so beautiful.

I can go home now. Thank you.

You're welcome.

No.

I mean... Thank you.

All right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. Just say it. I'm saying

I'm very sorry. Just say you're scared I'm not going to be a good mother.

That's not even true.

You know you want to say it.

You're not supposed to be it yet. What?

Nothing. Good?

Yeah. Aha. Okay, you happy now? So now I, you know, I tell your mother to go

home.

What? I'm going to go upstairs and I'll say, listen, we don't need you. We're

fine. Go home.

And then what?

Then she goes home.

And then what?

Then we're in charge.

What, are you kidding me?

She's the only person in this house with any clue how to care for a human life.

Yeah, okay, right now, but... I cannot even get this child to burp. Hey, she'll

burp.

Any luck? No, not yet.

You

know

what it's like?

Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Perfect.

You know how... Honey, before you pull something, I think you can go home now.

Really? Yeah.

You want me to go?

I just wish I could be sure you'd be all right without me. Well, we can't.

I'll leave in the morning.

What a little goddess you are. Even I feel better now.

Hold the lift.

What's its name?

They don't know yet.

Coochie, coochie, coochie, coo.

Well,

good night then.

I've got a couple more mnemonics. Maybe I can give them to you now. Sure, Mom.

Good. Now, as to... the temperature of the room she sleeps in, remember, cooler

really is better.

Crib.

And the most important one of all, whenever you go anywhere, no matter what

you're packing, just remember, mothers always bring extra love.

Marble. Okay. Marble.

Mabel. Mabel. Oh, I like that. I love that.

That wasn't so difficult.

And so we are thrilled and excited to tell you that after an exhaustive

we have finally named our child.

Well, there we go.

We would like you all to meet Mabel.

Eureka!