Original subtitles

But insist.

You're saying this only to make me go. I'm saying it because it's true.

Inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. What about us?

We'll always have Paris.

We didn't have. We lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last

night.

It doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't

amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world.

Someday you'll understand that.

He's looking at you, kid.

Can I get you something, Jamie?

No, thanks, Bobby. I'm fine.

A little more popcorn?

No, two kilos. That's pretty much my limit. Okay.

But if you do need something, you'll let me know, right?

I promise I will. Great.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry. Maybe some water.

Water would be great. Oh, great.

Sorry about my brother. I don't know.

I mean, you're out to here, not to mention the fact that you're married.

And you got an 18 -year -old kid fawning over you. Does that bother you? I wish

it did.

Hey, hey, hey, shh.

Louie, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Oh, here's your water.

My goodness gracious, look at that.

Yeah, I found it. I understand.

Yeah.

Thank you.

You know what?

I actually have to go.

Boy, I think getting off the couch would be easy, wouldn't you? But it just

isn't.

There's the whole fiasco of bending.

Go, I got it, I got it. Thank you, Bobby.

You're much more than welcome.

Very nice to meet everyone. Goodbye. Thanks for inviting me and remembering

my favorite movie.

You're welcome.

Hey, I remember when you first watched it with Paul, your husband.

I was really glad to meet you, Jamie. Take care, Bobby. I hope we can meet

sometime. Okay. You know, maybe Lisa will have everybody over to watch

movie or something.

Okay. Or maybe we'll just run into each other at a social function.

Okay. Or maybe we'll just happen to meet on the street.

Okay. So until then, Jamie.

Okay.

Sweet and little. It was just adorable.

No, it sounds very sweet and very little.

Okay, I have a question for you. If you had to choose... I'm just saying I

apparently am still a babe.

I never said you were not a babe.

All right, here's my question.

If you had to decide today, who would you select to be the guardian of said

child in the event that we were both killed, maimed, or other? Wait, wait,

What happened there? I spoke to this lawyer this morning, and he said we have

select a guardian.

Now?

Well, if we do it after we're dead, it'll just be so much harder.

Wow. Guardians.

Yeah.

Weird, huh?

Yeah.

So who do you think?

I don't want to think.

Ira?

Ira?

Why not? He needs a guardian.

Okay. Lisa?

And that'll be enough just to mock the whole idea of a guardian? All right.

I think it should be a couple. I think it should, too. I think it should be

and Fran.

Are you sure that's wise?

Why not? They're wonderful parents.

Their kids are sociopaths. We're not sure that's their fault.

Must we stay up nights wondering?

They're our best friends.

Yeah, but I feel us drifting.

Plus, we are Ryan's guardians. I'm sure Fran is sitting there waiting for us to

ask her.

You and me are Ryan's guardians?

You knew that.

We said yes years ago, but we didn't mean anything by it.

The point is, should anything happen to Mark and Fran, we are Ryan's parents.

Oh, boy. Honey, we got to do everything we can to keep them alive.

Hey, Oscar, what's going on?

This came.

Oh, great. Thanks. It's for you.

Thank you. Here, let me... Thank you so much. Here.

Okay?

I just always feel like I'm disappointing him.

What's that?

To Jamie, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Love, Bobby. Mm -hmm. Look in the envelope.

Popcorn. You know why?

Because you saw the movie last night. You know why else? Because you stole a

babe? Mm -hmm. I see.

Look, there's Brent.

Hi! Hi!

How you been?

Fine. How have you been? Fine.

It's nice to see you.

Yeah. Who are you?

You don't remember us?

Um, oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, we sure remember you.

Good, okay. Hi, Ben.

Hi. Yeah, boy, we haven't seen you around here in ages.

Yeah, I got thrown out of my apartment.

Oh, what have you been saying?

With friends.

You got thrown out of your apartment? I bet therein lies a tale, huh?

What do you mean?

No, you just said it like there's a long story there.

No.

Okay, okay. You know what?

That's our friend, so we're just going to go. Okay. You're leaving?

No. No, we're just going to go right over here. Okay.

Oh, okay. Nice meeting you.

Is it us? No. No.

Hi. Hey.

Who's on the phone?

Mark. Hi, Mark.

Hi, Mark.

Hiya, guys. Let's tell them I'm sorry I couldn't be here. He says he's sorry he

can't be here. Tell them I just couldn't get away. He says he just couldn't get

away. Friend.

We actually can hear him. God bless Mark. Never a soft -spoken fella.

So, guys, what's going on? What do you want to talk to us about? Mark, honey,

I'm going to put you down.

Okay. Order me this soup. They got a minimum.

Always thinking.

So, what's going on?

Um, you guys know how much we love you. Yeah, yeah.

You're our best friends. You really are. Yeah, yeah.

I'm so happy about this. I really am, too.

Okay, friend.

Mark, would you be the guardians of our child?

No.

You heard her. No.

I mean, thank you. We're flattered, but no.

Absolutely not.

No? You're saying no?

Here is your fettuccine.

No, we would like to do it. We really would, but we just can't. Why not?

We're already guardians to what? What is it, Fran? Like six kids already?

The thing is... The thing is, it's a very big responsibility. You have to get

know the child intimately.

You have to... You have to foster a special relationship with the child.

And your child and that child, they have to get along.

They have to get along like... They got to get along like brother and sister. Am

I right, Fred? Am I right? Hello?

You're right.

I'm going into the tunnel.

First of all, it's not such a big responsibility.

We are guardians to like 30 kids.

Believe me, it means nothing. Nothing? You're our kids' guardians for crying

loud. Yes, okay, Mark, I know. But come on, let's be honest. What are the

chances? I can't believe you're saying no.

Is it our fault that you're having children relatively late in life? That

what I'm called for. Our dance card is full.

Your dance card?

Well, maybe we have to rethink whether or not we want Ryan on our dance card.

What's the difference if you think it means nothing anyway?

Get up, Franny.

Pick me up. Walk away from the table.

Hey, hey, you don't walk away from me, buddy. Let me go, Paul.

Put me down. Paul, put me down. Fine.

Send yourself no longer Riot's guardians.

Fine. Good.

We're better off, aren't we? Franny, walk away. Just walk away. I refuse to

with these people.

Fine. Walk away.

And also, since we don't have to take care of the kid, you can drop dead now.

I thought the guy on the phone wanted soup.

I can't believe Mark and Fran would turn it down.

You think you know people.

Can I just say my ring finger is now the thickness of a small banana.

All right. Which leads us to our next question.

Who's our second choice?

Oh, boy.

Your parents?

I just can't do that to my child.

All right. Okay.

I think Joan and Debbie.

Do you think that's wise? Yes.

You gonna say that every time?

No, I don't. I think it's a great idea. I just thought, I'm not so sure it's a

good idea.

Oh, you mean because they're lesbians?

No. No, I mean because, you know, there'd be no man in the couple.

Which, I understand that's the whole point of lesbians, yes. But still.

I think Joan and Debbie would make fantastic parents.

Hey, listen, I don't argue. I think they'd be great.

Much better parents than Mark and Fran.

Mark and Fran, I wouldn't let them watch my goldfish for the weekend.

Oh, got it.

That's all fine. My ring comes off like that.

How do you know?

I take it off when I go out to meet girls.

Hi, Oscar. What's up?

Please come.

Oh, okay.

Great. Here you go.

All right.

Just tell me what I can do, Oscar. Tell me what I can do.

Let me see. Let me see.

It's something.

Inside of us, we both know you belong with Bobby Rubenfeld. That is hilarious.

That's to dine? Uh -huh.

Actual size?

What does that card say?

Here is your crappy saucepan from the dinner party that time. Don't ever call

again. Mark and Fran.

Mine's better.

Yeah.

Yeah, and then last year I got my heart broken twice by three guys.

For a total of six?

Huh? Twice by three guys?

No, a total of twice.

Right, so once was by two guys?

No, twice by three guys.

Right, but of that twice by three guys, once by one guy and once by two guys?

No, the second time was one guy.

So one?

One time it was by one guy, and the second time it was by one guy?

Uh -huh.

So that's a total of two guys.

Uh -huh.

And then he was the third guy.

Yeah, my friend Walter.

He didn't break your heart.

No, but he was around.

Hi,

guys. Hi.

Hi. Hey, Johnny.

Hey there. Hello.

Would you like to start with a drink?

Chianti, please. The same.

Sparkling water? A beer, whatever you got.

Okay, why don't I give you a little time?

Thanks for coming. Oh, it's our pleasure.

What's up? Well, here's the thing.

We, first of all, we want you to know how much we both love you. We really do

love you so much.

And, you know, really, I mean, I would have to say at this point you are our

best friends. That's true.

Okay, well, you know we're going to have a baby soon.

Oh, this is why you've been coming to the office so much. Yes, exactly.

Well?

Would you be the guardians of that child?

We have to go. What?

I'm sorry.

Just don't ask Paul, please.

It's a little bit of a sore subject. It's not going to be any less sore

Could we not do this in a bar and grill?

We didn't get to say anything. Okay, here we go. Diet Pepsi and chocolate

mochaccino, two eggs.

We're down.

Bacon's right here.

Your sister doesn't want to have any more children. I don't want to be a

again. Why not?

Look, you don't understand, okay? You're through with the baby the day it's

born. Believe me, there is a lot more work after that. Everybody, let's calm

down. Listen, listen, we're not asking you to be the parents. Yes, you are.

We are. Well, yes, okay.

Yeah, but realistically, what are the chances? Can you just excuse me, please?

I am sorry, Jamie, and I'm sorry, Paul, but this is just the way it has to be.

You know what? It's the lunch rush. I'm doing the best I can.

Uncle Phil?

No.

Aunt Blossom?

No.

Nat?

You know what the sad thing is? I'm only half kidding.

At least with Nat, you know the child would be walked.

Certainly would.

You know what I'm realizing?

We don't have so many friends.

I know.

Why is that? We used to have friends, didn't we? We did.

So where'd they go?

Like Selby? What the hell happened to him?

Please don't call him.

All right.

I think we both know who it has to be.

Okay, Mom.

You know the esteem in which we hold you.

And at the end of the day, you two are as fine a couple of people as we

still talk to.

What is this?

What do you want?

Where is that dippy girl with my soup? Okay, okay.

What we want is for you to be the guardians of our child.

In case something should ever happen to us, at least... Tony, don't even mention

such a thing.

No, I know it's not the most pleasant of prospects. What's the matter with you

tempting the fates with talk like that? We're not tempting the fates. Stop it.

Stop the talking. We're just trying to protect ourselves.

You just don't want our child to be all alone in the world. God, cut it out.

What's wrong with you? You will not have this conversation.

If we die, we need to know... In case, God forbid, something... Don't you dare

say another word about it.

She's so funny.

Well, this is the lesson.

A surprising number of people, when the chips are down, cannot be relied upon.

When the chips are up, fine, but otherwise... Which is why you and I, we

cling to each other like monkeys.

What do we do now?

We approach total strangers.

All right, how about this guy?

Excuse me, sir? Sir, how would you like to be the guardian of our forthcoming

child? I don't know Philadelphia, I don't know.

Got yourself now? Yeah, I took a shot.

What is this?

Right in front of our building.

I hope nothing gruesome happened.

Mrs. Kendall went out naked again.

Oh, my God.

Jamie, over here.

You must remember this.

A kiss is just a kiss.

A sigh is just a sigh.

He's got a lot of clothes, this kid. The fundamental things of life.

As time goes by.

Bobby, I understand.

And when two lovers move, they still say, I love you.

On that you can rely.

Is this up? Yes.

She may be a little bit old for him.

Yeah, and a sit -up wouldn't kill her.

He's so beautiful.

This is a nice story. No matter what the future brings,

as time goes by... Will you excuse me for one minute? Oh, sure.

I'm very happy for you. Thank you. Here's my advice.

Always get up from the dinner table still wanting a little something.

Thank you so much.

All right, Bobby, knock it off.

It's still the same old story.

A fight for love and glory.

I said knock it off.

Listen to me. Hi, Jamie.

Hi. Hey, where's your ring?

No, no, no, no, no. You see, I had to take it off because my fingers were

swelling. Two, three, four.

A case of do or die.

Bobby, you have to stop.

I do?

Yes, you do.

You're very, very sweet. You're a very sweet person, but for one thing, I'm

too old for you.

Oh, Jamie, I don't care about that.

Do you understand Lyndon Johnson was president when I was born?

So? There were 43 states in the Union.

So?

The word for fire was goth.

Jamie, I get it, but I don't care.

It's very sweet, Bobby, and very flattering. But as you know, I'm

Let me say hello.

I'm Paul, the husband.

Hi, Paul.

I'm Bobby. Bobby. And I'm in love with your wife.

Bobby, as you also know, I'm pregnant and I'm going to have a baby in about

minutes.

Well, this sure turned ugly.

Baby, also in large part due to me, Paul, the husband.

Bobby, Jamie, I don't care about any of that. You're awesome.

And that's all that matters.

I'm disgusting.

Slut. Sicko.

How can you let a situation like this fester? I'm not really comfortable here

anymore.

Bobby, the thing is, I'm taken.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

You know, the thing is, if we weren't just so happily married, it's okay, I

understand.

Pack it up, fellas.

God,

this was so expensive.

Because I'm fascinated you hired a whole band you're gonna be okay.

Yeah, you know I'll borrow from my dad Okay here

What's the difference I mean the problems are three little people don't

to a hill of beans in this crazy He's looking at Bobby

I'm going

say stuff like that i do it i don't hire a band but i said hi um we

were coming to see you what's up well we did some talking a little talking and

uh we decided we're really sorry about what happened before very sorry we were

going through some stuff and we changed our minds big change So we would like to

be your baby's guardian.

Very much. If that's okay with you. Oh, what are you kidding? It's extremely

okay with us.

Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, absolutely, Joan. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Thank you.

Hi, you guys.

Hi. Listen, Mark and I want to apologize.

We do. We really, really, really do.

You know Joan, don't you? Yeah, one minute, one minute. Just let me get this

out. Mark and I feel terrible. Yeah, and of course you know Paul's sister,

Debbie. Yeah, we didn't know.

Myopic is what we were.

But totally myopic and crazy.

We are really, really sorry. We would love to be your child's guardian.

Well, what would be the right thing to say now?

I just couldn't possibly be more uncomfortable.

If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it.

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon.

And for the rest of your life.

Okay, what plane?

First of all, I've got a job to do.

And where I'm going, you can't follow.

What I've got to do, you can't be any part of.

Well, that's okay. I have to work late anyway.

Here's looking at you, kid.

Who's you, kid?

Who's you, kid?