All language subtitles for Mad About You s05e19 The Touching Game

Good morning. Hi. I'm wondering if you
can help me. My name is Paul Buckman,

I often buy your product. In fact, I'm
eating it right now, and I've got to

you, I'm looking in the box, and
there's, like, no raisins in it.

I mean, like, nary a one, which I know
sounds petty, but the thing is, you

you advertise it as loaded with raisins,
packed with raisins, and I'm telling

you, there's none to be found.

I understand, but this is not the first
time it's happened.

Right. Yeah,

several times.

No, I don't want anything. I don't want
anything from you. I'm just telling you,

as a consumer, you might want to look
into your quality control because

there is not... Well, they're just not
packing them. You know what I mean? You

think it's packed, and I'm telling you
there's nothing in it. There's plenty of

flakes, but there's something when I'm
looking for the... I'm going to

call you back. Thank you so much.

I love you and I do.

And tell me who can start my heart as
much as you.

Tell me all your secrets.

I'll tell you most of mine.

They say nobody's perfect.

Well, that's really true this time.

I don't have an answer.

I don't have a plan.

All I have to use, oh baby, help me
understand. What we do.

You can whisper in my ear.

Where we go.

Who knows what happens after here?

Let's take each other's hand and jump
into the final frontier.

The final frontier.

Hey, move over, you.

I am moved over.

Oh.

Oh, like you're the thinnest person in
the world.

No reason to lash out at me.

I'm so ready for a flat stomach and a
baby.

So in other words, the whole joy of
gestating thing?

Over it. I'm way over it.

I'm over being clumsy. I'm over having
people ask me when I'm due. I'm over

strangers touching my stomach 500 times
a day.

So you're over it, you're saying? That's
what I'm saying.

What else do we need now?

You need cereal.

Cereal.

You know what? Let me get it. I can do
it. Sweetie.

I

can't

thank you enough.

Sweetie, go sit down before they throw
us out of here, would you? Where am I

going to sit down? Go sit on the horsey.
I'm not sitting on the horsey. Why do I

have to sit on the horsey? Because
you're knocking over the whole

It deserves to be knocked over. What is
all this? There are countries with no

cereal at all. These people are
flaunting it.

Sweetie, lady, I'm going.

You know, listen, if it's any
consolation, you knock things over when

within, too. Not with my navel.

It's pretty late for David and Jared's.

You know what? Do me a favor. Don't go
there.

They're having their grand opening in
three days, and there's all kinds of

to do. Besides, I feel responsible.

He's my cousin. You're not responsible.

I'm the one that suggested they open a
coffee house. Yeah, but you're not

responsible. I found the location.

That doesn't make you responsible.

I held David's trembling hand while he
signed the lease.

All right, so you're a little bit
responsible.

Sweetie, for God's sake, do me a favor.
Go sit down. Sit right now. You sit on

the horsey.

No, I went to Yale.

Okay, Gordon, sit on a horsey
profession.

Hey, Molly, look at the fat lady.

Oh, honey, she isn't fat.

See, she's pregnant.

Okay, you know what? You want to feel?

No. Oh, come on. She's got a baby
inside.

I don't want to. He doesn't want to.
Yes, he does.

Whoa, whoa.

Honey.

500 times a day.

Honey, you know, people are just
naturally curious. They want to

miracle of life.

I want to ride the horsey.

I beg your pardon?

I want to ride the horsey.

Horsey's no good.

Wouldn't you rather ride the rocket
ship?

You could be an astronaut and travel to
distant lands and faraway planets.

No, I want to ride the horsey. All
right. There we go.

For the longest time, she's totally into
the pregnancy, and I'm not really into

it. I mean, yeah, okay, I go through the
motions, but I'm not, at some level,

I'm not really into it. So now, here we
are, I'm finally, I'm totally into it.

She's over it.

Well, let me tell you something. You
think she's over it?

Thank you for your support.

You're welcome.

Oh, look at this girl in the jeans hat.

I'd cut off the left side of my head to
be with her.

Maybe if you cut off the left side of
your head, she wouldn't want to be with

you. You saying otherwise she would?

What do you suppose this means?

Who cares?

I know what it says. I'm asking you what
it means.

Who cares?

Maybe I care.

Don't. Don't care. That's exactly what
they want you to do. Well, somebody's

to care.

Do what you want, all right? I got my
own problem.

Look at this.

Oh, wait, this is Sid. They had a
pregnant woman standing here with

Not one person giving up their seats.

It's unbelievable.

What a world, huh?

Look at this clown.

Not moving a muscle.

Where were they raised?

Boy, I can't take this anymore. Give up
your seat.

Give up your seat?

I would. I would, gladly, but my leg.

I hope you're very proud of yourself.

Um, excuse me.

Would you like my seat? Oh, thank you.
Sure. That's very kind of you. Al,

listen. To me, it's not kindness. To me,
it's...

Common decency.

I'll shake your hand.

Whoa, whoa.

Oh, hey.

Can we help you with your bench? Oh,
thank you. That's very kind of you. Oh,

sure. I didn't know people like you
existed.

Well, we do.

We're normally on the same way, but, you
know, my leg.

Whenever you need something, everyone
always seems to turn the other way.

that always the case?

Well, how'd you lift these? They're so
heavy, they're unbelievable.

Oh, here, give me those. Please, I'm
kidding. No, please.

I'm getting off at West 4th, and it's
just a few blocks from there. Wait a

minute, wait a minute. You're going to
walk with these?

Oh, it's not far. I do it all the time.

Oh, you hear that?

I heard that.

And you're not going to help carry the
bags?

I didn't say that.

Why don't you help?

My leg.

look beautiful. Oh, nice of you to say.

Oh, when's the big day?

Oh, look at me. They're all big days.

Is she beautiful or is she beautiful?

She's beautiful.

So how's Aunt Sylvia and Uncle Bert?
They're fine. How's your father?

In Florida, thank God.

So? What do you think? It's really
shaping up. I see you decided on a name,

Madame Defarges.

Oh, don't go there.

We have a little disagreement on the
name.

Yeah, he thinks it's the perfect name.
I, on the other hand, think it sucks.

Madame Defarges was the place in Tale of
Two Cities where the people met and

discussed the revolution.

Who knows that?

What, are we going to explain it to them
as they pass by on their way to

Starbucks?

Is this a new cappuccino machine?

Don't go there either.

What's the matter?

$5 ,500.

Is that a lot for a cappuccino machine?

$5 ,500 for a machine that goes and
spits coffee.

My father's in Boca doing the same thing
for free.

This is not just...

Any cappuccino machine.

It's Italian.

So what? Have you ever driven a Fiat?
Okay, okay.

Guys,

you have a grand opening in three days.
You're a little tense. It's perfectly

normal. I've had my own business. I
totally understand.

But you have to take a deep breath and
try to remember why you entered this

partnership in the first place. Come on.

Hey, you guys, you know what?

I'm not doing anything for the next
couple of days. I'm going to hang around

here and make sure you guys get started
on the right foot.

Oh, wow.

Thank you.

You're a really big help.

Great. So, what can I do?

Really? Yeah, I want to help.

Well, you could help us unpack these
mugs.

Great. The least I can do. These are
great.

I do that sometimes.

I wasn't that far out of our way. No, I
can't thank you enough.

No problem. Our pleasure.

Hey, look at this. Here we go again.

Who cares? Who cares? Oh, yeah, what is
that all about?

You see that, Paulie? I'm not the only
one who cares.

You don't really care, do you? I care a
little. Hey, you know what? I have a

theory. I think there's a guy named Who
who's running for office.

A guy named Who?

In the Abbott and Costello district?

I don't know who cares already. Listen,
here...

Here you go. Here are your packages.
Thank you.

Nice meeting you. Best of luck to you.
Thank you. Hey, can I ask you something?

Sure, anything. Just to get another
opinion. Does it bother you when

want to touch your stomach?

I mean, because to me, it's still not a
big deal. You know what I mean? I mean,

people are naturally curious. After all,
it's a miracle.

Well, I wouldn't call it that.

No, I mean, I don't understand. Somebody
wants to touch it for one second.

Well, I guess, I mean, I suppose if you
really want to. I enjoy it. I would. You

can.

Oh, there you go. Nothing wrong with
that. No, that was nice. Thank you. Take

feel. Look what's going on.

I think I felt something.

Pretty soon there's going to be nothing
there to feel.

Yeah, but when is the big day?

Well, I don't know exactly.

I mean, for about five months.

Five months? Well, I don't know. You can
control it like that.

I'm in the zone.

What zone?

The new diet?

I've lost 70 pounds in six months.

You sure that's such a good idea in your
condition?

What condition?

I said, what condition?

You know,

Your condition, in your condition, that
you're naturally organically a certain,

not largeness, but it's not smallness,
let's be honest, you know, there's a

certain small... Okay, how about I
leave? All right, please.

To clarify, all right, so you're just,
you're just, you're a solid citizen.

You're just a big stupid.

What's the matter with you? Very smooth,
very smooth.

tell you my two favorite words?

Ka -ching.

Jamie, we need more water glasses.

Yes, you do.

Is it my imagination or has she broken a
lot of stuff?

She's broken a lot of stuff.

You have to talk to her.

She's your cousin. By marriage, by
marriage, that doesn't count.

Look, I love Jamie.

Well, I love her too, but she's killing
us. That's why you've got to tell her to

go away.

I'm not going to tell her. Well, I'm not
going to tell her. Well, somebody's got

to tell her. Hey, guys.

Paul.

What'd I do?

Nothing. So, how you been?

Good. How you doing? The place looks
great.

Thanks. I love the name, Madame Defarge.

I think they had a big dance hit in the
80s, didn't they?

Don't go there. Sorry, what did I say?

Nothing. Hey, would you like to have a
seat?

How about a cup of coffee?

Only if you've got some made.

Coffee shop. No, actually, I'm fine.
Tell me, how's Jamie doing?

Hi, Bob.

Okay, here's the thing.

We love Jamie.

We love her very much.

What's not to love? Oh, I'm a lucky man.

Here's the thing. She's killing us.
She's breaking mugs. She's breaking cake

plates. The ashtray. Don't forget the
ashtray. She broke his grandmother's

ashtray. Oh, boy. Listen, guys, I
understand. She's sensitive about this

right now. And working here is really,
really wonderful for her. Yeah, but I'm

telling you, we have almost nothing of
value left.

I will reimburse you for the mugs. How
many mugs did she break?

160.

See, I thought right there you were
going to say, like, four.

Paul, you've got to help us. Well, what
do you want me to do?

Well, can't you say something nice to
her that'll make her go away?

Guys, I mean, don't you think you ought
to do that? Oh, no. We could never do

that. It would be much nicer coming from
you.

Come on. It's your responsibility.

Why? Get your store.

It's your wife. Yes, exactly. I can't do
that. Please, come on.

Just be nice to her and tell her the
truth. Look, she's an adult. You're both

adults. Just... Be mature.

Okay, we'll do it. Hi.

Hi. Oh, hey, we were just talking to
Paul.

What are you doing here? Nothing, just
came to see how you're doing. How are

you? Great.

You really need my help. Thank God I'm
here.

So, did you do, what?

Just love you very much, that's all.

So, did you do it yet? Do what?

What? Did you apologize to the nice
lady?

Oh, you know, I'm building up to it.

It was three days ago. You said you feel
terrible.

And I do. I really do.

So, apologize to her. I, you know, I
don't know where she lives.

You walked her to her house.

Yeah, but I think, you know, a lot of
times she goes out.

Well, what?

Just do the mature thing. You'll feel
better.

You hear that, guys?

Do the mature thing.

Be more like me.

You want a cappuccino?

No, thanks. Come on. I just learned how
to work the machine.

All right, in that case, sure.

There's something that we have to talk
to you about.

Absolutely. Just give me one minute.

You know what? It doesn't matter now.

You know what it may be? Oh, leave that
alone. No,

no, I'm serious. An acronym. Who?

W -H -O.

We help Oxford.

It could be.

That's what it is.

Is that her?

No. That's not her?

Well, would you stop worrying? It's a
city of eight million people.

I know. Eight million people take the
same bus every day. She's not going to

on this bus. I bet you. How do you know?

Well, you know how you see a beautiful
woman on a bus? You hope to see her

and you never do. Yeah. Well, it's the
same thing. Unless she's not so

and you never want to see her again. I
hope you're right. This is her stuff.

Oh, excuse me.

Okay. Thank you. You're very kind.

Thank God.

What's the odds of this happening? You
should have bet me.

You know what? We just, we gotta do the
mature thing.

Yeah? Yeah.

Can I have a cappuccino?

Um, no.

An espresso?

No. Latte?

No. House blend?

Uh, no.

Mocha grande?

No. Cafe au lait? No.

Brewed decaf? Sorry.

Any coffee product at all?

No.

Is that a Starbucks I saw down the
street? Yeah.

Ooh, gin.

Oh, good.

Hey, hey, look at that. Would you look
at that?

You know, Paulie, we're getting closer.
I can feel it. They're going to let us

know soon.

At this moment, I feel genuinely sorry
for you.

Oh, hey, hi.

Hey, listen. No, no, wait a second.
Wait, please, please. Just wait, wait,

one second. Aren't you finished with fat
people?

Why don't you go mock the handicapped?
Can I just say something? Let me

apologize. I meant no offense. I meant
no insult. I just made a big mistake. I

screwed up, but I'm sorry. I'd like to
believe you. I believe it. It's been

bothering him for days. It really has.

Really? Really. Can I, can we buy a cup
of coffee? Okay. Yeah, there's a new

place right around here, and, uh, oh,
it's great. They have, uh, small,

large, whatever you want. They have to
make it up, don't they?

See?

Isn't this nice?

Look how far we've come.

Sitting together, nicely enjoying a
beverage.

Yeah, it's nice.

It is nice, you know, hanging out,
making friends, meeting family. Oh, your

is very lovely. Wow, thank you.

Uh, what does she do?

Oh, just a few weeks. Oh, wow.

How come they don't serve coffee here?

Jamie? Yeah?

Long story.

Have you ever thought of having kids
yourself?

Oh, I don't think so.

I bet you would be a great mother.

Excuse me? Don't you think?

Don't you think she'd be a great mother?
Oh, yeah.

Look at her. She's so sweet and
naturally just a certain maternal sense

you. Sweet?

Hmm? Sweet?

Oh, my God.

What? You think I'm a woman?

You think I'm a woman?

Do I think you're a woman?

You're asking me if I... Do I think
she's a woman?

Yes, I think you do. You're a woman,
aren't you?

Please be a woman. No.

I'm a man. Yes, of course you are. I
know that. Come on.

I'm kidding.

Yes, you're a very masculine man.
Nobody's doubting that.

Hey. Why don't we go to a hardware
store?

Yes.

Let's do that, the three of us.

That's so embarrassing.

I can't believe you think I'm a woman.
That's not at all. No, that's not what I

said. I think you misunderstood me.

Misunderstood? Yes. You said she.

You said her.

Yes, but... You said make a good mother.

Yes, but... When I say you be a good
mother, that's like, that's street talk.

That's an expression that means you're
cool, you're very cool. I call you a

mother all the time, don't I?

Look, hey, Dave, you'd be a good mother.

See, he likes it when I say it to him.

This is too much. No, it's not. It's not
too much. It's not too much. I was on

the street the other day.

You thought I was pregnant.

Never. No, no. Yes, you thought I was a
pregnant woman. Please, no. She's all

upset.

That's not at all. You know what, Renee?
I think tomorrow we're going to laugh

about this. No. Yes. No, this is the
most horrible moment of my life. Come

come here. Let's just sit down and talk
about this. Look, now we know

everything. You know us. We know you.
This is good, right? This is what

do over a beverage. You know what? Let's
get somebody. Jared, you know what? Let

me get a chocolate chip cookie for
myself.

Same. Okay. And for the lady?

Come on.

really cares what do you suppose the
difference is the extra really

you know what paulie they lost me

you

see that nobody cares this is what i'm
saying